Insulated

I ran this past the counselor, my family, and close friends. I am undecided if to attend a gathering today of "friends" for my now deceased three year ABF. I had a private viewing and closure here before his body was flown to a final service and cremated out of state. I've moved out of the house. He overdosed 11-29-09. A couple that was closest to us and the dysfunction of the chaotic relationship stayed with me the first couple of weeks and I am grateful. The thing is, basically the man has passed away and not much of anything good has been said about him to me. In fact - it's been horrific. The young woman has taken it upon herself to succumb to pressure and hold an informal gathering today to commemorate his life. Parts of the guest list are people that DO drugs, SOLD him drugs, and fed his demons. Also, I am object of many many many lies he told to convince these people among others that I am the crazy one - yeah crazy for wasting my time trying to help an addict! A part of me feels I should attend in order to honor and respect the man, another part of me is like why bother? What did ANY of these people do to help him ??? Advice?

Callie

I think it would show the most honor to your ABF to give a short explanation of why you choose not to attend to the host. I would not want to be a part of that gathering as they had a hand in his addiction. I'm sorry for your loss.

rayofsunshine

I agree with Callie. I would give a short explanation of why you choose not to attend, and let them celebrate his life without you. As you are trying to heal, this would just open back up the wounds. I'm sorry for your loss, also.

outtolunch

Memorial services are for the living.

Attendance or not, has nothing to do with respect for the deceased and all to do with respecting the people hosting the memorial event, who, in theory, are trying to achieve some sense of closure. Unfortunately, sometimes people who host and/ or attend such events, use the opportunity to see and be seen. Sometimes, some people use the opportunity to cluck.

Based on your other post, it sounds like you continue to potentially give these people power over you by caring what they say about you and or him. Absolutely none of it changes the outcome.

None of you had control over him or his addiction. He's at peace.
Now it's your turn to find peace within yourself.

Insulated

Thank you. You are so right. I'm dropping off a photo album, collecting a gift from a woman, and leaving. Thank you! I indeed had closure. And look forward to moving forward, not backward.