JenandBen

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'm not an alcoholic but my husband is. He'd been doing relatively well as far as controlling his urges until a year ago when we got pregnant with a special needs child. Our son was born in Oct- 5 weeks later - our son died. Now a month later - I find out that my husband has been lying to me about drinking. He didn't drink when our son was here, but every day leading up to his birth and almost every day since he had a beer. Wouldn't necessarily bother me if he wasn't on medications that don't mix well with alcohol. Because of the meds he's on - he goes weird on just a minor amount of alcohol. I'm not mad about the beer - but I'm pissed about the lie. I'm not ready to walk away yet - well - half of me is - as I've fought this stupid beverage for the last 6 years. But the other part of me just wants a bit of guidance as to how you move past the lies. The hubby is joining back up with AA, he is actually showing solid signs that he realizes that he slipped up and that he wants to get back on a healing path. Personally - it's his life - if he chooses to heal I'll support him, if he chooses to drink - I won't - but either way that's on him. All I want to know is how you get past the lies?

tigger11

Hi Jen,

First... I am SO terribly sorry about your son! What a horribly difficult burden to carry. HUGS to you!

Sounds as though you have some experience with the alcoholism roller coaster. Personally, I wouldn't know how to get past the lies unless or until you feel comfortable that he's proven that he was done with them. As I'm sure you know, recidivism is common with alcoholics. How did you get past it last time, or was it not an issue?

Meanwhile - WELCOME to the SR forum! You'll find tremendous help and support here. We've all been there, done that, and share so many commonalities it's uncanny.

Check out the stickies on the top of the forum page. They are very helpful.

More supportive hugs!
-Tigg

JenandBen

He's never lied before - or if he did, I didn't/don't know about it. Actually he was very open about his drinking with me. I've been very proud of how he'd taken control of his habit. Now that he confessed that he started drinking 1 beer a day beginning from the diagnosis in the womb of our special needs baby - it changes my mind a bit. I've never known my husband to be a liar. Ever. So it's quite the shock.

tigger11

Yuck, I'm sorry!

Do you go to Al-Anon?

Stereosteveo

Well if he's anything like me in my cups, he'll go to any length to drink. That means lies, etc. If he's the kind of alcoholic I am he has no power over it.

If you really care for him and/or plan to stay together for any extened period of time, probably the best thing you can do is to keep educating yourself about recovery. You know about Al-Anon right? (Friends/familes of Alcoholics).

At any rate, keep learning. The bottom line is really the more you can help you, the more you can help him. Keep reading here. You will learn alot.

myawakening

Hi Jen,

I am terribly sorry about your child. I can't imagine how difficult that was for your family.

You will learn a lot coming back to this site. Take some time to read the 'Stickies" at the top of the page and I would certainly advise you to go to an Al Anon meeting. You will find a good deal of information at both places that will help you decide what you can live with and what you can't.

I wish you the best of luck and please keep coming back here. We have all been in the same place you are right now. The situations may vary, but the root of the problem is the same...we have been all affected by someone elses drinking.

(((((Hugs to you)))))

SadButHopeful

I'm so sorry. Your husband must be in so much pain too.

Our son nearly died during childbirth and it really affected my husband. I think he was traumatized from it and his drinking got much worse after that.

No advice, just ((((hugs))))

JenandBen

Thanks everyone. I haven't been to al-anon yet but planning on it next week for my first time. So far this site seems quite amazing. Lots of people with lots of stories and lots of help. Glad to be here.

tigger11

And we're so glad you're here!

stella27

Dearest, I know you must really miss your sweet baby. I am so sorry for your loss.
I guess the main thing I want you to know is that you (and AH) are so fresh and raw in your loss and grieving. His lying and drinking are certainly not acceptable to you, but it seems soon to be making BIG decisions in a situation where everyone is reeling.
Can you give your marriage some time while he works on his issues through AA?

FindingPeace1

I agree with Stella. Take some time.
But I will also say I miscarried and that gave me the push to confront my AH about his drinking. It's been a few months and as I learn about myself and the ways in which I avoided seeing things (like the lies or his behavior), managed my own behavior to keep my husband in a good space/not depressed/not detached/communicating, etc. the deeper the dysfunction seems to be.
Lying is tough, tough business. As one friend said, "Apology is not just words. It is evidenced and rebuilt by change of behavior over time."
So give yourself time to heal. It takes a long time to rebuild. Don't beat yourself up for feeling shaken. It's normal.
It also takes great maturity on the liar's part to own up to the lie and stay humble and open while you work through your distrust. That's a lot to ask from someone in the head space to lie. So, don't expect him to have that maturity. I don't mean you don't deserve it, its just he may or may not be there.
Hugs. So sorry for your loss.
Stick around. There is boundless love here.

Wife