My Daughter (heavy sigh)

Old 12-30-2009, 05:11 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
My Daughter (heavy sigh)

A couple of weeks ago my daughter (18) and I went to the book store. She got a workbook for teens going thru divorce. She really likes it. One of the excersizes was to write a letter to your parents. The book also said this letter could or could not be shared. She chose not to share it. Which is fine.

Since AH refuses to get another car,(deer accident) my daughter and him share the car. He came over to give her the car so she could go to work. When I got home she called and didnt sound so good. Well it seems she shared the letter with her Father and said to me read the letter.

She is very angry with me. The whole entire letter was about me. Why did I choose to separte from her Father now? Why dont I see that he is going to meetings and trying to change? Why dont I see that he has such feelings now? Why dont I care? On and on. The part for him was about how proud she was that he was working a program. Nothing was said about how she grew up. Not one word about his drinking effecting the family.

Now I know these are her feelings and I respect them. She called and asked me if I was mad. I said no Im not mad and its ok to be angry with me. Your feelings are real and respected.

How do I feel? Mad (this is the only place I can get this out) The thoughts of all the years of the crazyness that she seen and lived. I feel as tho he is talking the talk but not walking the walk. Has he snowed her? I understand she is angry because I finally got off my behind and did something to benefit me. But Im still at a loss. This seems like a ploy to use her to get to me. To let him back in the house. Another way to try to control what I do or feel. Im not letting him back.

Maybe she need to read co-depenent too. I get she is upset that her family is falling apart. If I didnt do this I was going to fall apart. I never once thought I would feel this way about her. Feeling like she is taking his side, feeling like the bad guy once again. Of course she lived the life, but I must have did a good job hiding some of the horrible things said and done. Dunno?
Mabye I taught her how to enable people. Maybe Im just caught up in the anger still. I want nothing to do with him. It also makes me feel like we should be having a parade becuase he is going to meetings. Where is my parade for all the grief all these years? Where is my reward for going to work nuts in the head, keeping a roof over our head, hiding my feelings and almost dieing inside. Yep can you tell Im just a little angry? Ok enough rambling for now. Thanks so so much for listeing to me.

Where is the spell check too? Jeez
WizeDeb is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 05:33 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Wow....I don't have anything great to say....I can only empathize with what you must be feeling! We always do in our hearts what we think is right for our children, and yet it seems many times it comes back to us in a very strange way! I know that I would be devestated and angry as you are if my child wrote that - with the same objections you have to it - I think you handled it with her very well! My mother and father has a very dysfunctional relationship. She was codependent and my dad was not an alcoholic (maybe?) but I couldn't see it. I was close to my dad...and thought my mom was to blame. It took me years - probablly until I was almost 30 - to "get it". To understand what my mom did and put up with and how she did everything for me and my sisters. So, I guess here is my thought - someday, she will understand! Praying for you!
FreeingMyself is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 05:34 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Divorce is hard on kids, add in alcoholism and its even harder. I'm going through a bit of the same with my younger son. I'm divorced from his father, and estranged from his older brother who is an alcoholic/druggie now too. Younger son is angry, and I'm the one that gets the "feedback" - cause I'm here and convenient - I think!

The less you say is probably best, she's old enough to see the writing on the wall - as is my son. It hurts - I feel that too at times. We're such "rocks" and are often taken for granted I feel. Someday, I hope my sons appreciate me for being "the rock".

Ups and downs, life is full of them.
isurvived is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
dothi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Honestly, this is why she should not have shared the letter with you. Because these are her real and genuine feelings. And because the content is so interrelated with your feelings, it is too volatile for you to receive it without being hurt. Besides, the point of the exercise was for your daughter to express her feelings; not use her feelings to try and change mom and dad.

Unfortunately it is possible that she wrote the letter for dad, hoping if he saw that she was on his side (so to speak) in terms of seeing his effort. Again, not the point of the exercise. It's very possible she's echoing his feelings. It's still very possible that she's expressing her own feelings (she may currently believe this). So it is still your job to guide her.

If she's echoing her father, then have faith that you are modelling healthy behavior, decision-making, and lifestyles for her, because it is very possibly that being in close proximity to her dad cultivates the disease of unhealthy thinking in her. I believe that alcoholism generates mental illness in its abuser, and that this mental illness can infect those close to the abuser, especially between adults and children as well as romantic partners (assuming verbal abuse is normal, for example). An aside. As an ACOA, I can feel this crazy-making reality when I am in close contact with my alcoholic father. Everything he says and does reinforces the unhealthy thinking (that I don't do enough, that I'm not good enough to make him put down the bottle and start appreciating his life, etc). This is why in order to be healthy and manage any mental infection, I distance myself from him and any other crazy-makers in the family.

ALSO: don't make the mistake of expecting emotional support from your daughter. I'm not saying you can't have any - just don't have the expectation. It violates the parent-child relationship, as she is not there to support you but to continue in her own growing. You are already doing the right thing by coming here, so this is just a healthy reminder that you're doing it right.

If she's NOT echoing her father, then have faith that you are still modelling healthy behavior, decision-making, and lifestyles for her, and that the need is urgent because your AH's mental infection is spreading to her. Until she can have the chance to think for herself, free of an environment where her thoughts are forced to be the same as dad's (unhealthy immeshment, I was also this way with my alcoholic dad when I was a teen), the infection will stand its ground and make healthy progress that much more difficult.

End point: stop taking it personally - she is still growing. Please understand that you are still her mom and that you still need to provide guidance for her. Her negative feedback is NOT a reflection of you. You are not failing in your task to provide a healthy environment. And do continue to surround yourself with tons of support. You are still absolutely moving in the right direction
dothi is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
"I said no Im not mad and its ok to be angry with me. Your feelings are real and respected."

I really admire your self control & respect for you daughter. I've been through heaps of this stuff with my kids & I know it hurts like hell & how hard it is to model appropriate behaviour when you feel unfairly criticised.

If you have a professional councilor it would be great to run it past her/him.

One thing I have noticed from personal observation is that my kids tend to kick the parent they feel can take it most, rather than the parent who "deserves" it. Kids love both their parents, no matter how dysfunctional. Teenagers are so dramatic anyway - it's their job - & they tend to bring that drama & passion to everything. I have a 16 year daughter who is reading me the riot act the last few days about my choices & the consequences - & it hurts a lot to hear her "version" of the "facts".

Good luck & keep loving this young woman who is struggling to reset her compass.
Helenlee is offline  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:31 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Wize:

I am ACOA and can tell you that my sister, and to some degree me, also went through something like this when my mom left may alcoholic father. My dad was in rehab when we left and went to AA meetings religiously for the first, we think, 10 years after we left. He is a very active alcoholic 25 years later.

I felt sorry for my dad, which was the ONLY reason that I was upset they were getting a divorce. My oldest sister was the favorite, which my father will tell you if you ask, and sometimes even if you don't. Anyway, he really manipulated her from the day she was born really. She resented my mom for a very long time, until we grew up a little and realized my mom saved our lives by getting us out. You're daughter will get there when she gets there. As for my mom, she never said a bad words about my dad while we were growing up and let us figure it out. I think that works best, at least it did for us.

Hang in there!
NYC_Chick is offline  
Old 12-31-2009, 07:17 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
Thank you all for your kinds words. It was excatly what I needed to hear. All of it made sense to me. She was fine when she came home, and I am very gratefull that I could express myself here. Just gotta keep plugging along.
WizeDeb is offline  
Old 12-31-2009, 03:54 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
BuffaloGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Helenlee View Post
One thing I have noticed from personal observation is that my kids tend to kick the parent they feel can take it most, rather than the parent who "deserves" it.
This is absolutely the truth, and I try to keep it in mind when my daughter is angry with me about my perceived maternal failings. The stable, safe parent is the one who gets the brunt of a child's negative emotions. They whale on the parent they trust.

I had a discussion this morning in which my daughter confessed that she feels sorry for her dad. We also talked about alateen and I was surprised at how vehemently she said yes, she would like to go.

Hugs-- this parent stuff is harder than it looks when you're childless, isn't it. :P
BuffaloGal is offline  
Old 01-02-2010, 12:25 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Hi Deb,

When I responded to your post I didn't quite say what I meant, but I was in a hurry & though "oh, they'll all know what I mean."

However it's been playing on my mind & for whatever reason I felt like I should add something to my response.

"She called and asked me if I was mad. I said no Im not mad ..."

"How do I feel? Mad"

My life experiences as an ACOA tell me that it's incredibly important that you say what you mean to your kids.
Living with an alcoholic & a codependent as a child totally destroyed my "internal compass". It was like living in Alice's Wonderland & constantly being told my instincts were wrong. I think a big part of my adult codependent need to control everything came from this very disorienting experience. I still have a very hard time believing what anyone tells me about how they feel. At 46 I'm still terrified of trusting anyone to say what they mean & mean what they say.

It's great you were able to validate your daughter feelings so respectfully, but I also believe she needs you to validate your own.

I hope things are going OK with the situation ...

Love Helen
Helenlee is offline  
Old 01-02-2010, 05:42 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
We did have another talk, and I told her I was upset, but still respected her feelings. I also thought excatly what you wrote. I keep hiding what I really feel and it has to stop. We talked alot about the reasons that let up to the separation. thank you all
WizeDeb is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:33 AM.