ACOA (ex)partner - should I give up on him?

Old 12-30-2009, 08:38 AM
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ACOA (ex)partner - should I give up on him?

I'm in a painful situation after an ambiguous breakup with an ACOA partner. While the breakup was very much definite at the time (him breaking it off, me crying and yelling), we've talked about things since and agreed that while we both need time and space apart for now, while he addresses his problems and I do some thinking of my own, we both want to discuss getting back together after some time's passed. So that's where we are at the moment.

Here's the problem: I love this guy and would really like to make it work in the future if possible. On the other hand, he's clearly got bigger problems than I'd realised - and I don't know anywhere near enough about ACOA behaviour and healing to know what I'd be signing up for if we got back together. I'm happy to be supportive, but I need to think of myself as well.

So. For the most part, we had a great, happy relationship and were very much in love. His alcoholic parent died a year before we met, and he was still struggling with the tail-end of depression when we first got together, although he seemed to climb out of it really fast (in retrospect, too fast - it seems like he's never really grieved). He did have some behaviours I thought were quite strange, though, and it's not until fairly recently that I've learnt they're all fairly typical behaviours of ACOAs. Obviously knowing that isn't a magic button to fix it, but it has given me some new insights into how his thought patterns work.

There were only a couple of issues we had problems with in the relationship. One was his difficulty in having 'tough conversations' (anything that involved discussing what he felt/wanted or anything he'd done other than the totally positive) - in the beginning he'd shut down completely, just freeze with a blank, expressionless face and sit in silence. Sometimes he'd say "I can't answer you, I don't know what you want me to say," as though he thought I had some lines I wanted him to recite or something. He gradually got better at this over time, though, and started to get better at admitting his needs without feeling guilty and accepting that I wasn't going to 'come to my senses and leave' (in his words) any time we disagreed about anything. But, there was other stuff - about his simultaneous desire to change his life and absolute terror about going through with that change - that was causing more of a problem, and I ended up giving him an ultimatum: if you break your next promise on us moving in together (something he'd twice suggested, got really enthusiastic about, and then backed out of as soon as the plans started looking more concrete), I'll leave.

Things were going fine - he was even starting to talk a little bit about his alcoholic parent drinking too much and that causing problems - and then he started struggling with depression (triggered, I'm fairly sure, by the anniversary of his alcoholic parent's death and him organising several commemorative events), started closing down completely on what he felt, and then one day he just… collapsed. Told me he had to break up with me because he wasn't ready to move in with me, didn't know why, wasn't able to talk about or acknowledge how he felt, didn't know why, and said he couldn't stand to keep hurting me. Said he was 'broken', needed to face that once and for all, and needed to be totally on his own to fix himself. He said he was going to start seeing a counsellor. He said he still loved me and would like to think we could be together in the future when he was fixed, but that he needed to face this alone.

I still love him and miss him like mad, of course, and I worry about him even though I know there's nothing I can do to fix this for him. I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself right now, picking up new hobbies and spending a lot of time with my friends (many of whom keep telling me he's just evil and to forget him… ai).

So, after all that, here's the questions I've been asking myself:
- Given that he seems confused about what his problem is (just that he's 'broken') and that he doesn't talk about his parent's alcoholism, is a counsellor even going to be able to help him?
- If he does get the help he needs, is it possible we could have a good relationship in the future?
- Since he's always been really good at hiding his true state of mind (from himself as well as everyone else), if he comes back looking better and says he's dealing with his problems and recovering, how will I know he's not just brushed them under the carpet again? Is it reasonable to say 'I'm happy to try again, but only if you're in counselling/you tell me in detail what you think your problems are/etc'?
- How come he can devote so much of his time and emotional energy to 'looking after' his nonalcoholic parent (who doesn't need looking after in any way), even at the expense of his own needs and happiness, but he can't cope with a relationship with me? (I know, this is a pointless and pathetic thing to ask...)
- And finally: can this ever be fixed in any sense? I know I'm not responsible for his happiness, but I'd still hate to think of him being miserable his whole life.
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Old 12-30-2009, 12:08 PM
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Well, thanks for the advice, but it's not quite as simple as 'when it's over it's over' - we've agreed this is a temporary break that neither of us wants to be permanent. Which is obviously no guarantee that we'll get back together (or that either/both of us will want to, after some time's passed), but it does put me (and him, although he's his business) in a slightly different position to the one we'd be in after a more conclusive breakup. We've agreed to have a conversation about getting back together; I don't want to go into that conversation without being fully mentally armed about what I need from him, if that makes sense!

The situation now's a little weird. I suggested we keep in touch by email from time to time, which quickly turned to him sending me five or six emails a day (nothing mean, just a hell of a lot of chattiness), photos of him, etc. I've backed way off on that because it was hurting my head...

And I'm not interested in fixing him or making him better, trust me. But I agree it's good advice to remind people of. I learnt the hard way many, many years ago (first boyfriend, I was 18 and stupid...) that you can't fix other people, and trying will only hurt you. Wish I could go back in time and let myself know that back then!
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Old 12-30-2009, 01:01 PM
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Yeah, that's one of the things that worries me - that once the immediate depression's been dealt with, he'll turn up all 'Ta-da! Better now!' without having actually dealt with the stuff he needs to deal with. And because I have absolutely no experience in the stuff he's dealing with and how people heal and recover from it, I'll believe him and we'll just end up going through this again.

I've already promised myself that no matter what he says, there is no way I would get back together with him unless he's in therapy. "I've done a lot of thinking" won't cut it. On the other hand, if he is honestly seeking the help he needs, and if that help gets him to a place where he feels like he's ready to try again - that might be a risk worth taking. I just don't know how to tell the difference between 'genuinely recovering' and 'in denial' (and I bet it's not as easy as a 20-question quiz!)

you can always decide that you really don't WANNA wait around for someone else to get their act together.
Oh, indeed! I've been very careful not to tell him "I'll be here waiting whenever you're ready!", because who knows - that might take too long, I might decide tomorrow that I don't want to give it a try... I don't know. One of the reasons I need some time and space here too is so I can do my own thinking on the subject and see how I feel after some time's passed - I don't want to rush into any decisions one way or the other.

But, wow, it's tough to see someone you love so much just start to collapse. Last time I saw him he looked like an absolute wreck, and hugged me so hard I had to kind of peel myself away. I know there's nothing I can do, and he does have friends around to keep an eye on him so I'm not worried about anything terrible happening, but, ouch.
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Old 12-30-2009, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Calluna View Post
I'm in a painful situation after an ambiguous breakup with an ACOA partner. While the breakup was very much definite at the time (him breaking it off, me crying and yelling), we've talked about things since and agreed that while we both need time and space apart for now, while he addresses his problems and I do some thinking of my own, we both want to discuss getting back together after some time's passed. So that's where we are at the moment.
I can't help much with the specifics, but what I keep hearing is, "I really want this relationship, if only this guy will change." Well, that's not how it works. If your happiness/satisfaction with the relationship is contingent upon him making changes to his outlook/attitude/feelings... it's hard to be optimistic.

I'm an ACoA, and so is my wife (who is also a recovering A). There's some commonality with what you describe, in that she doesn't like to hear bad news, either -- especially when it comes to my feelings, which tend toward the melancholy, morose, and at times, actively self-loathing (sometimes I'm a LOT of fun to be around, as you might imagine :-D). I try to convey some of this stuff, but a lot of the time, she just does not want to hear it. So I've concluded that basically, this is my own sh*t, which I have to deal with on my own, for the most part. That may not be ideal, but it is going to have to be OK, in order for us to work.

I can't say, "I'll be happy, if only you'll do..." X, Y, and Z. That does not happen. Happiness -- as an old guy in one of my Al-Anon meetings used to say -- is an inside job....

T
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