Insulated

I was with an addict for three years. We lived together for two of those years. He overdosed in our bed a month ago. I am so angry at myself for not acknowledging the red flags...even while we were in the beginning stages of our dating. The relationship was chaotic and left me just a broken woman. He did go to rehab once. Didn't complete the 28 days, only 14 of them. Didn't complete the post hospitalization program of 20 visits. Only 10. Wound up being arrested three months after the fact for something he'd done involving drugs one week before he entered rehab. He relapsed badly. I feel that my own part was not proactive enough. I found needles. Brought it to the attention of his best friend(s) - whom actually were giving him pills and going with him to purchase, but unfortunately they didn't realize he was shooting them up. They and I tried to talk to him about reentering rehab. I was very much on a different path. I began a new job, and chose to tell him that he could talk about marriage with me again after he gets and stays clean six months. All he did was whine that I didn't want to work on us and everyone told him the same thing. I wanted the man back I fell in love with - that wasn't in constant search of a fix. I was gentle in telling him, I am your friend. I care about you. I will drive you to any rehab you want to go to day or night. Just let me know when. I began to believe that it wasn't me he loved. It was the false identity he found in abusing and overpowering me that brought him power and security, in addition to drugs and rum...straight from the bottle at 10:00 am. At one point I told him that I'm not driving him around while he polishes off the bottle enroute to work. He would have me killing time long enough for him to finish the bottle. He acknowledged that he had a drinking problem. I should have dragged him to a meeting; but honestly was so far removed from him and getting on with my life, I figured if he wanted to go - he'd go. He could walk right across the street to it. The meeting actually took place 10 feet from the development where he was getting the drugs. Now he has passed away. The night he died, his behavior was so intense, I honestly thought he was on way more than alcohol and opiates. Now, in the wake of his death......the stories I'm hearing from the street are more painful than living with the man. He told abundant lies about me. Convinced other women (like addicts) he wanted to be with them and not me. Offered to service them for a pill if you know what I mean...He burned a lot of people in the tricounty area for money. Acquired a rap sheet I could wallpaper my bathroom with. This is a man that was in the military, fathered three children, graduated the police academy, earned his bachelors degree and became a telemarketer on drugs? Every single ex girlfriend is like a broken record! He had a drug problem. It bothers me, because the same people that acknowledged his problem; also believed his lies about me, us, etc and sold him or GAVE him pills. Wow, am I venting??? I am crushed. Just crushed. He was very young and it is a shame. The aftermath is whats really getting to me. The only saving grace there is; is that he had a GPS device as a ROR requirement and every single place he visited for two months is tracked. I received one threat already and had to square that punk chick up. She SOLD him the pills and then let him hole up in the bathroom of the gas station she works in for two hours. Instead of saying sorry, or maybe I should have said something to you, or something.......anything she had the nerve to threaten me. I was very firm when I told her "darlin' i don't need to squeak a word. that GPS will talk for me". She didn't know about it and well, needless to say I moved right on out of that town. How does an addict go from being in love with a woman to degrading her, belittling her, physically and sexually abusing her and blaming her for all of it. Where the heck did I go wrong? whew, thanks. I feel better now.

tchappy

Hi,

I just had to tell you that I'm sorry for what you are going through and I will pray for you that it gets better. Your story breaks my heart.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your pain and I hope you find peace. My ABF is out of my home now and I understand the feeling of betrayal from all the lies. Keep reading here and posting. There are many people here that will listen and can help you through your pain.

Take care
Tammy

outtolunch

Survivor's guilt, anyone?

He got caught up in it and it took his life.

You have a choice in this to listen to the street talk or not. Does it really matter what any of them think? Who knows what he said? Who knows, they might all feel some guilt too and to unburden themselves, they are projecting it on you.

Noise from an addict's mouth is well, just noise. Why give a flying fig about the nonsense he may have told anyone. None of it matters or can change the outcome.

His addiction was not about you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now. You did not cause it. You could not have controlled it. And you most certainly could not have cured it or him.

It sounds like you have been involved in a serious emotional and physical trauma. Please consider some professional grief counseling. Enquire about EMDR therapy which is particularily effective in disengaging from traumas, like this. You deserve to help yourself.

Insulated

Oh, outtolunch - how ironic. I told everyone if they ever want to get me a present, get me EMDR therapy. Yes, I see a Hospice counselor now and go to meetings. Still, the stuff creeps through the cracks and only I control how it effects me. I do deserve to help myself, I know this. That whole drug subculture is plastic. I stayed clear of them. Actually, ABF kept it all wrapped up in a neat little bow of his dual life. Funny how that bow came undone and the cobra snakes came hissing out of that darned box. Your advice is excellent.

Impurrfect

(((Insulated))) I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm an RA, who left my ex because he was still using. I found out he died earlier this month...could have been an OD, could have "bled out" as he drank as well as smoked crack.

I hadn't seen him in quite a while, but had written him when he was in jail, recently.

You did NOTHING WRONG by going on with your life...I did and he still died. I still loved him, but couldn't be with him.

(((Outtolunch))) is right...when we A's use, it really, really has nothing to do with you. We're not doing it to hurt you or cause you pain....we're doing it to fill a void that we have in ourselves, and it's the only thing we can think about. The times when I would come "down" enough to realize how bad I was screwing up and hurting the people who loved me, I immediately went out and got more dope..that was how I dealt with ANY kind of feelings...good, bad, whatever.

I was an RN for 12 years. If I'd been right next to my ex when he died, I don't know that I could have done anything to save him....death IS a possibility when we use. I've read and heard too many stories of loved ones finding their A's Od'ing and doing everything possible, calling 911 and they still didn't make it. I've been the nurse in the ER who couldn't bring them back, even shortly after they ingested the dope. I saw two 20-something-year-olds DIE from crack, was terrified of it, yet I still became addicted to it. When we're using we just don't think..other than how and when to get some more.

I'm glad you're getting some help and hope you get the EMDR.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ventuhome

So sorry to hear of your loss Insulated. ANY loss of a significant other is going to take more than one month to process. You are doing the right thing by coming on here and talking about what happened. PLease read some of the stickies on top and talk to some of the recovering addicts on the forum. There was nothing more you could have done. You actually did a lot, you told him you'd take him to rehab anytime day or night. You loved him. Unfortunately, the drugs took him, at first while he was still alive (why he turrned into such a wreck), then at the end. Thank the universe that your lfe was spared, and pray that he is at peace at last.

littlebird77

Insulated, you seemed to have a talented way of writing. Perhaps you can continue writing as a form of therapy. I like the way you keep a little humor in the mix to save yourself from insanity.