Small update on me

Old 12-28-2009, 08:33 PM
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Small update on me

Well, things are very blah.
We argued up until Christmas, he's still drinking, he asked me not to say anything about the drinking for 3 days. (christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day)
On boxing day I was at his apartment, as his family was going over, as well as his daughter and my other 3 kids.
I was feeling depressed that day, as I still hadn't seen my extended family which was a first for me and I'm 33 yrs old, it was really hard. I don't talk to my extended family much anymore and I miss them terribly.
I admit I was a bit short with my ABF that day, and I asked for some space. But he'd keep coming up to me asking for a hug or a kiss, or grabbing at me.
Which, for me, makes matters worse. I just needed some space, some time to calm down, not to be smothered.
He took it as a personal attack.
When his family was there I was pleasant, kind, sat and talked to them etc. I cleaned up his dishes for him etc.
I don't recall what happened, but we had a small disagreement, plus my little guy was exhausted, so I decided to leave.
Since I left that night, ABF and I have only spoken via text message.
I feel like I've given up emotionally, and I think I feel that I've emotionally detatched because I know he's never going to quit drinking.
I don't know.
I kind of wish I could be head over heels about him and give it my all, and support him and be there for him.
But I'm detatching, and I can't seem to stop.
He gets on my case about me not ever saying "I love you" to him. Part of knows I don't say it because most of our time is spent arguing!

He said he wants us both to go to counselling in the new year, with tomorrow being the day he sets up an appointment.
I do not know how I feel about this, but I do not forsee anything good coming from it.

Lately he hasn't had any episodes of acting drunk, not a lot of anger. But still, the drinking daily continues.
We had a discussion Christmas day about this. He said "The other night I only had 4 beers, that's not drinking!"
I said "Yes it is! You were drinking, so it's DRINKING!"
He said "You're not going to be happy until I stop completely are you?"
I said "Right"

I am just so conflicted right now. (am I ever anything else?)
Do I live with it? But he's drinking everyday! The kids will still see it everyday! The other day my 6 year old opened a bag of recyclables to add a paper, and she said "It smells like beer in here!"
My heart sank...a 6 year old shouldn't know what beer smells like.
I want a guy who'll have a tea with me, or a pop out at a restaraunt with dinner, or go to the local coffee shop and grab a couple coffees and some donuts.
Even if he minimizes the drinking...I don't know if I can handle the daily drinking. Is it normal? To go home and have 6 "tall boys"? (larger cans of beer)

I just don't know.
My head is so clouded right now.
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Old 12-29-2009, 01:07 AM
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(((Elise)))

Only you will know what you can or cannot live with. You do sound as if you already know the answer to the question in your post though. Maybe you do need a break - some breathing space to think things through. I know that just a few days of no contact with STBXAH helped lift a lot of the confusion in my head. I could think more clearly without him there.

Drinking 6 "tall boys" is normal - for him. Can you accept that?
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Old 12-29-2009, 01:38 AM
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Hi Elsie. It sounds normal enough for me that you don't want to live like that. How can you emotionally connect with someone who is emotionally checked out? I know I couldn't live like that. I miss mine a lot, but this is better than being with him.
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Old 12-29-2009, 05:18 AM
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I remembered

I remembered some silly stuff that occured over the holidays.

Chritsmas eve day, he said he was going to come to my house and spend the night. So, he calls aound 10am and asks about dinner, I tell him I was going to make ham, veggies etc. He said "Ok, well what are WE going to eat" I told him I intended on eating what I was giving the kids...ham, veggies etc.
Long story short, he said he was just not going to come over if that's what I was going to make. I called his bluff and said "Fine, don't come over then"
He ended up coming over, and took us out for a late lunch so by the time dinner rolled around (combined with the excitement over Santa arriving) the kids weren't hungry so I never made the ham. And this was right after he worked, so he was't drinking. I recently (not how I didn't make this realization before) realized that he's just a total a-hole that gets worse when alcohol is involved.
UGH!
Another one....later Christmas Eve...he asked me for a beer. I said no, that I had already gotten him one and I didn't even want to do that. (I HAD grabbed one from the fridge for him earlier that night cause I was right there and didn't want to hear him nag at me, and figured it's xmas eve, I'll do it once.
So, yeah...later on he asked for another, I said no. He badgered me to get him another beer and made the most ridiculous comment, he said "Oh c'mon, what kind of relationship is THAT!?"
My oldest son was down here, and I didn't want to cause a scene which would ruin xmas eve for my kids (If Mommy and (blank) are fighting) so I got it for him.
On Christmas day I stood my ground and absolutely said NO WAY when he asked.

ARGH!!!!
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Old 12-29-2009, 05:56 AM
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Everyone is telling my story. It took years for me to leave but I did. Now I do look back and see he was just using me as his disease progressed and he was just a JERK. I have been divorced two years now and Christmas was pleasant. I had no King-Baby to have to tiptoe around. The alcoholic has the core of a child. " Pain stops when longing is replaced by a desire to get away. Is their presence a gift or a curse? Are they causing more heartache than bliss? You deserve more than they offer. You realize love should not be so much work. You look in the mirror and like what you see. The pain stops when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to replace the ache in your heart. You say goodbye to whatever never was. When you are ready to start dreaming again.When you stop living with someone who can't give stability because alcohol comes first and you come second." I don't know where I got the "When Pain Stops".........but I wrote it down........rang true for me!
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:09 AM
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Here they say when a person becomes an alcoholic, he or she stays the same age in terms of maturity.

I am sorry you are walking on eggshells, around his alcoholism... "what kind of relationship is that?" my answer would have been "a relationship between the master alcohol and its puppet!!" (sorry, my anger speaking..)

The thing is not if he minimizes or not (that is what alcoholics do) ... the thing is.. what do YOU want? what do YOU need? as GiveLove says... "is this what you imagined as a little girl?" that is what is important...

I am sorry he is still drinking... he does not seem anywhere near recovery. Remember he may never change , but you can.
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