lostmyway

For all the sober people out there...I want what you have. I am prepared to do anything I have to do to get it. As some of you know, on December 9 I went to my doctor and told him the truth about my alcoholism. He put me on 100 mg of Librium a day to help me with the withdrawals and encouraged me to put my faith in a Higher Power.

I got my prescription filled the same day and started the meds. Anytime I could find someone to watch my kids, I got myself to an AA meeting. I went to church and tried praying to God to rid me of the pain alcohol was causing me.

I HAD 15 DAYS SOBER. That is the longest I have had in 10 years.

Then I slipped. I went out Christmas shopping with my mother in law, who is also an alcoholic but has no desire to recover. Shopping was stressful. I know that is no excuse for what I did, but I found myself making a stop at the liquor store. She got a bottle of rum and took a shot right in the car. I opted for a bottle of wine which I drank at her house, then drove home and continued to drink.

I wasn't in real bad shape the next day. I started to believe that I wasn't really an alcoholic. Maybe I could drink normally.

I attended two holiday parties yesterday and decided to test this theory. But once I picked up the first drink, I could not stop. I drank, and drank, and drank. I don't know why I ever think I can drink normally because I have proved to myself time and time again that I can't, but somehow it just doesn't get through my thick skull. So anyway, I drank until I was falling down, couldn't take care of my children, and my husband had to dress me and put me to bed.

I should probably add that the only reason I wasn't drunk on Christmas (though I did manage to get my hands on two beers) was because my mother in law drank the supply so fast that I couldn't get to it quick enough.

15 days down the drain. I'm right back where I started. What else can I do? I'm starting to think that I am truly a hopeless case, and this disease is going to kill me.

Charmie

hello there.if i were you i would call your sponsor and get straight back on the horse.do you want to be sober more than you want to drink? can you concede to your innermost self that you cant live with drink,cant live without it? please get in touch with your sponsor and get to work with all the fervour of a dying man/woman,,,ultimatly without a solution thats what i am.

lostmyway

I don't have a sponsor yet...I've been sitting in the back of the rooms too afraid to say anything I did talk to a lady who helped me get some phone numbers though.

Sober25

I would recommend you go to a lot of AA meetings for the next few months. If you can attend at least one a day that would be very helpful. Also, you may want to consider not hanging out with others while they are drinking. Make some sober friends and stay close to them. When your head clears it would be very helpful to get a sponsor to help you with the 12 steps. You can stay sober, regardless of what anyone else does. I wish you all the best.

lostmyway

But is it okay that going to the meetings was LITERALLY the only thing that was keeping me from picking up a drink? The strength to not pick up was not coming from within myself, it was coming because I was sitting around a group of supportive people. If I hadn't gone I would have been home blacked out for sure. I am not okay to be by myself right now.

Aysha

Try praying for God to take away the obsession and compulsion to drink. Pain is pain. Its done. All you can do is work through it now. No one can change the past. Not even God. But you dont have to add to it.
If meetings are working. Go with it. Thats how meetings work. We find support and strength through others like us. Make use of those numbers. You have to speak up tho. Or try and connect to those who approach you.

louis

Hi there

Lots of people uses the rooms of AA to help keep them sober when they first come in... alot say the room/group is there HP to begin with...

I know i could never have even thought about a HP to begin with... i coulsnt keep my brain still long enough to think about anything...

Anger was what i used to stay sober to begin with... when people were secretly saying behind my back (or thought they were) that i couldnt do it... i was saying "I'll show you"... in the begininning that is what kept me sober...

I didnt believe in HP/God/the people in the rooms... how could i? i didnt know them... but slowly i got to know them...

Im not saying its been a bed of roses... but eventually when my mind started easing up on me... i became open to other ideas... HP etc... I've been using the rooms 10 months... i am still not a brilliant attendee... but something is working... and for now... thats good enough for me...

I hope you will go back... we all have issues/doubts/slips to begin wth... the important thing is what we learn from them...

Please... a day at a time is said for a reason...

Take care

Sober25

Yes, that is absolutely okay. Anyway you can stay sober is okay. AA is a new way of life. Many people at AA stay sober because of those meetings. Use them to your advantage - that is why we have them. Eventually, assuming you work the steps and make them a way of life, the meetings will be icing on the cake and you won't need as many of them as you do now. Once we work the steps and make them a way of life that mental obsession is removed that tells us we have to drink every time we don't like the way we feel on the inside. Go to meetings. They are there for people just like you. You can do it. I know you can.

lostmyway

I guess I just don't know what else I can do to stay sober...I've tried everything, I thought I was doing everything right, but it's so hard. What am I missing?!

littlefish

Absolutely. In the beginning I sometimes counted the minutes till the meeting. It's perfectly alright if that meeting is the only thing to keep you sober that day. That is part of the design of the program. Just don't drink, today.

Many people in AA see the group as their higher power. And, isn't that fantastic?

Call someone, and try to get a sponsor soon. Someone mentioned here there are alcothons going on through the holidays, you might check out if there are some close to you!
Keep going back. I am staying super close to AA right up until New Years eve and after.

Dee74

lostmyway

I tried for 15 years to get sober and stay sober, but I kept going back to the bottle...but I never stopped trying - and eventually, I 'got' it.

Don't stop trying - you're doing all the right things for yourself by going to AA I think - maybe stop hanging around the back of the room and ask for some help now though?

One day at a time, as Louis said, is a wonderful thing. Make a commitment not to drink today and do whatever you can to honour that. Then do it again tomorrow.

It gets easier...and our lives get better

Don't give up.
D

aasharon90

You will find that that the people
that r staying sober are following
simple suggestions made by many
before them.

I was told to grab a hold of the
coat tails of the winners and follow
them. Allow them to carry me until
i was strong enough to stand by
myself.

What does all that mean....i had to
hush up and listen intentively to
those with yrs of recovery to find
out how they stayed sober.

I listened and followed their suggestions.

If they suggested to get rid of people
places and things associated with
alcohol, i did....even if it were in laws,
friends who loved to party. Weddings,
birthday parties...etc...i did.

My sobriety was that important to
me to follow their suggestions if i
was to stay sober.

One day at s time....not tomorrow,
not 2 weeks from now, but one day
at a time i followed their lead.

They carried me while i whinned, had
my pitty party, felt sorry for myself,
blamed every Tom Dick and Harry
for my misery.

I kicked and crawled each day till I
accepted i needed their help cause
i couldnt stay sober on my own.

However, in time, a few one days
at a time, i began to understand
what alcoholism was all about and
how it affected me and others.

Today I am one of many who r in
a remarkable program that gave me
my life back and today I am extremely
grateful for it.

Horselover

Hi Lost. Sorry to hear about your struggle. It isn't easy and that's why we need others to help us. When we are ready to kick this addiction in the butt we find there is support in many different avenues. There is face to face support. There are numbers of people to call while the urge is full blown. There is SR to post on until the urge passes. There are books to help us understand.

I would also suggest you write down what triggers you and make some changes. I had to stay away from visiting a certain person in my life in the beginning because she triggered me in a big way. I ALWAYS found a drinking partner in her and she in me. She never stopped, but now I can be with her and whether she drinks or not it doesn't faze me like it used to. I KNOW I cannot pick up again.

Changing your enviornment will help. You can do it and NEVER, NEVER give up, but also don't look for opportunities to relapse. I did that in the beginning and it was years before I took it serious enough to stop.

AA will help you, but you have to speak up and work it. I know there will be many others on here who are currently active in AA and they will have loads of helpful information.

May 2010 be a new sober year for you.

Believe808

Sitting in the back of the room did not help me stay sober,

I had to move to the front, raise my hand,

let people know me, put out my hand to another alcoholic.

There are many things that can help you stay sober,

but you have to want it, want it enough to go to any length to get it.

For me that was following the suggestions of those who had good sobriety,

they told me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days,

get a sponsor, use the numbers I had gotten

before I picked up, work the steps and live the steps.

That has helped me one day at a time stay sober.

Charmie

i have to say sitting in meetings and calling 5 or 6 AA folk a day did not keep me sober either,,,i picked up again after a month,and was lost and bewildered,i wanted to be sober more than i wanted to drink,but couldnt not drink.so,i got a sponsor (i prayed for this,and praying didnt come easy to me at first!) and i got on the steps,i learned about the illness i suffer from.the first step is that we are powerless over alcohol,our lives are unmanagable.i came to realise that drink was my solution to life,take it away and what am i left with if i am powerless? eermmm,a great big dilemma! so i HAD to find something to replace the booze and find a new way of living.this came in the steps.if i didnt do that,as an alcoholic i was going to keep picking up wether i wanted to or not.i would suggest getting back to the meetings and raising your hand,tell folk you need a sponsor.look for someone that has a sparkle in their eye and a quiet confidence.i wish you well.

Ninsuna

Absolutely, I think that is how it is in the beginning for all of us, I know it was for me. The strength can't come from you because right now you don't have any. None of us do, not when it comes to alcohol. Realising that and accepting that some other power higher than ourselves can help up is the nature of the first two steps.

I say it a lot about meetings, but get there early and stay late. You can busy yourself making coffee or cleaning tables if you feel awkward. The more you're around, the faster people will get to know you, and making friends in the program has helped me more than I can say.
Thank you for your honesty, I wish you the best.

coffeenut

I agree with what Horselover said...lots of good stuff in this thread for you to ponder.

Sobriety is a journey. Someone here said, 'don't quit till the miracle happens'. I do believe that.

Keep coming back to SR. If one thing doesn't work, try another. And, in my opinion....you must want to quit more than you want anything else in your life. I'm serious...you just can't 'sorta' want to quit.....you gotta want it so bad you can taste sobriety....and nothing else.

Wishing you the best!

Tazman53

At least a meeting a day and calling at least three AA folks kept me sober for about 2 months, I was still left without a solution for life except meetings or a bottle.

I came VERY close to a relapse at 2 months and right after that I actually understood what my sponsor and others were telling me, the solution lay in taking the steps and APPLYING them every day to every are of my life to the best of my ability.

My obsession to drink was ALIVE & WELL when I was just going to meetings, the solution I discovered with the guidance of my sponsor lay within the first 164 pages of the BB and the 12 steps within.

By about step 5 my obsession for booze was almost gone, once I finished taking step 12 with my sponsor the obsession was gone and I had been restored to sanity.

It is said in the rooms that if you want what we have, do what we do.

Go to a lot of meetings, sit in the front or the middle and LISTEN, find that person who has what you want, to start with ask if they will be your temporary sponsor and then ask them to show you how they stayed sober.