Having very dark thoughts...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Having very dark thoughts...
Today has not been good.
I was supposed to do something today (which I love to do), and I found myself turning off the alarm this morning and just laying in bed until 10am. I haven't done much since. I'm still in my pajamas (I did manage a shower), and I spent the entire damn day on the internet. The entire day. And I will admit, I was on his FB. Again. Damn it. I haven't learned.
I have just been feeling so sad over these holidays. So incrediblly sad, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to feel happy again. I tried today to call people and connect, set up social things with friends, but everyone is busy or not at home. It has sent me spiraling down to where I am just so low I don't know what to do. I think of him happy without me, and me sitting here in my pjs all day, and it make me feel really stupid and pathetic. I thought I was stronger than this. It makes me have doubts, like if I just would of met the old girlfriend and not made a fuss about her, maybe his drinking/pot smoking wasn't so bad and I made a big deal out of nothing. I miss our life. Stupid stuff like that. I just hate where I am in my life right now. I used to think it was pretty great, but not anymore. Not even having my family back in my life is helping. It actually has made me feel worse seeing them with happy relationships and family, and here I am alone at 41 with 2 cats. I thought I would be married by now and happy. But I'm not.
I even looked at my old Match profile to maybe start trying to date again, trying to move forward, and that got me depressed. I'm not ready. I still love him and have this awful thought in my head that I'll never find anyone like that again (not the alcoholic part, the other parts that shared my passion for my worlds). I'm still giving him so much power over me.
I just feel in a deep dark hole and don't know how to get out. Why do other people seem to have full happy lives, with loving husbands/boyfriends and friends and I seem to be so alone. I don't know how to fix it...
And I'm starting to ask God what I did to be left alone like this...
I'm just really hitting emotional bottom....
I was supposed to do something today (which I love to do), and I found myself turning off the alarm this morning and just laying in bed until 10am. I haven't done much since. I'm still in my pajamas (I did manage a shower), and I spent the entire damn day on the internet. The entire day. And I will admit, I was on his FB. Again. Damn it. I haven't learned.
I have just been feeling so sad over these holidays. So incrediblly sad, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to feel happy again. I tried today to call people and connect, set up social things with friends, but everyone is busy or not at home. It has sent me spiraling down to where I am just so low I don't know what to do. I think of him happy without me, and me sitting here in my pjs all day, and it make me feel really stupid and pathetic. I thought I was stronger than this. It makes me have doubts, like if I just would of met the old girlfriend and not made a fuss about her, maybe his drinking/pot smoking wasn't so bad and I made a big deal out of nothing. I miss our life. Stupid stuff like that. I just hate where I am in my life right now. I used to think it was pretty great, but not anymore. Not even having my family back in my life is helping. It actually has made me feel worse seeing them with happy relationships and family, and here I am alone at 41 with 2 cats. I thought I would be married by now and happy. But I'm not.
I even looked at my old Match profile to maybe start trying to date again, trying to move forward, and that got me depressed. I'm not ready. I still love him and have this awful thought in my head that I'll never find anyone like that again (not the alcoholic part, the other parts that shared my passion for my worlds). I'm still giving him so much power over me.
I just feel in a deep dark hole and don't know how to get out. Why do other people seem to have full happy lives, with loving husbands/boyfriends and friends and I seem to be so alone. I don't know how to fix it...
And I'm starting to ask God what I did to be left alone like this...
I'm just really hitting emotional bottom....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
BSO8-
I TOTALLY get how you feel. I understand feeling so alone, not even being able to connect with friends, and then when you can't it just enhances the aloneness of it all. I get it!
Some days I feel like that too. Though I think those days are lessening.
"I'm starting to ask God what I did to be left alone like this".... I have done that too. Thinking I must have done something REALLY bad, or just be so awful that no one wants to be with me. I'm 34, NEVER had a real relationship, and often feel like I NEVER will. I have no idea what it's like to be in a healthy loving relationship.
And when I start thinking like that...I look at my history. Wow, I have made some REALLY poor choices in partners. No wonder! I'm not saying that you have always done that
... but in trying to figure out why i'm STILL alone, I have had to do a lot of introspection.
With that has come a profound desire to want to connect with myself spiritually. I'm doing a lot of reading about healing.
I too thought maybe I should throw myself into the dating game. But no way am I ready for that! I am not healed from this past relationship with my A.
I feel this is God's answer to me...this is why I am STILL alone. Because I have had these lessons to learn. I have had to heal my past. Coming to terms with 2 emotionally dettached parents, and other things that have formed who I am today. These things have needed to be resolved. And I never really did much to fix myself until I hit my emotional rock bottom.....brought on by this last relationship.
I deleted my entire facebook account for now, just because I felt it was a connection to him. I need to heal. I started counseling. I need to heal. I've started reading books connecting to a spiritual foundation. I need to heal. I've started to think about positive things in the future, moving, school, a new life, because life is NOT over.
What you are feeling is completely natural. And let yourself feel it. Lately I was so focused on the people in my life that I had lost, and that I was hurt by it, I forgot to focus on the people that are still in my life. So I made a list of the people that I know I can count on. It was longer than I thought. And it made me feel better, and appreciation for the good people in my life.
I know it's dark right now. I have for so long tried to find happiness in myself by being with someone else. I have NEVER been happy that way.
There are a million fabulous things about you! Sometimes you just need that day to stay in your pj's all day. The sun will come up tomorrow, and it will look a little brighter.
One day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.
"Do not pursue the past
Do not lose yourself in the future,
The past no longer is,
The future has not yet come.
Look deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now,
The practitioner dwells
in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late."
I TOTALLY get how you feel. I understand feeling so alone, not even being able to connect with friends, and then when you can't it just enhances the aloneness of it all. I get it!
Some days I feel like that too. Though I think those days are lessening.
"I'm starting to ask God what I did to be left alone like this".... I have done that too. Thinking I must have done something REALLY bad, or just be so awful that no one wants to be with me. I'm 34, NEVER had a real relationship, and often feel like I NEVER will. I have no idea what it's like to be in a healthy loving relationship.
And when I start thinking like that...I look at my history. Wow, I have made some REALLY poor choices in partners. No wonder! I'm not saying that you have always done that
... but in trying to figure out why i'm STILL alone, I have had to do a lot of introspection. With that has come a profound desire to want to connect with myself spiritually. I'm doing a lot of reading about healing.
I too thought maybe I should throw myself into the dating game. But no way am I ready for that! I am not healed from this past relationship with my A.
I feel this is God's answer to me...this is why I am STILL alone. Because I have had these lessons to learn. I have had to heal my past. Coming to terms with 2 emotionally dettached parents, and other things that have formed who I am today. These things have needed to be resolved. And I never really did much to fix myself until I hit my emotional rock bottom.....brought on by this last relationship.
I deleted my entire facebook account for now, just because I felt it was a connection to him. I need to heal. I started counseling. I need to heal. I've started reading books connecting to a spiritual foundation. I need to heal. I've started to think about positive things in the future, moving, school, a new life, because life is NOT over.
What you are feeling is completely natural. And let yourself feel it. Lately I was so focused on the people in my life that I had lost, and that I was hurt by it, I forgot to focus on the people that are still in my life. So I made a list of the people that I know I can count on. It was longer than I thought. And it made me feel better, and appreciation for the good people in my life.
I know it's dark right now. I have for so long tried to find happiness in myself by being with someone else. I have NEVER been happy that way.
There are a million fabulous things about you! Sometimes you just need that day to stay in your pj's all day. The sun will come up tomorrow, and it will look a little brighter.
One day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.
"Do not pursue the past
Do not lose yourself in the future,
The past no longer is,
The future has not yet come.
Look deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now,
The practitioner dwells
in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Oh BS08, I am surprised you didn't run into me in the dark hole today. I've been there since early this morning. Things started out okay, but I had this thought coming home from errands that here I am older, hardly wiser, and struggling to make a life on my own again and I wonder what's the point. I feel like I missed out on having the life I remember wanting and now I have to come up with some sad backup plan that will never make up for the years lost.
Yeah, I napped a bit a today (understatement), watched a lot of TV, puttered around on line accomplishing nothing, and maybe talked to two people the whole day, but still felt like I was putting on a happy face when I didn't feel that way inside.
The way I see it, it's a day. It's just a day. I'm blue and that's okay. I'm angry at God, but I know he can take it and understands why. I have endulged my funk a little and vowed to get myself back on track tomorrow. I'm hoping I just need a little break from the hubbub of the holiday. A little rest will go a long way to get me geared up for a new year. Hope you're with me 'cause it's gonna be a good one
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Maybe it's some comfort that you are not alone down in the dark today.
One of my favorite quotes came to mind earlier....
"Nothing in this wicked world is permanent, not even our troubles" - Charlie Chaplin.
This too shall pass,
Alice
Yeah, I napped a bit a today (understatement), watched a lot of TV, puttered around on line accomplishing nothing, and maybe talked to two people the whole day, but still felt like I was putting on a happy face when I didn't feel that way inside.
The way I see it, it's a day. It's just a day. I'm blue and that's okay. I'm angry at God, but I know he can take it and understands why. I have endulged my funk a little and vowed to get myself back on track tomorrow. I'm hoping I just need a little break from the hubbub of the holiday. A little rest will go a long way to get me geared up for a new year. Hope you're with me 'cause it's gonna be a good one
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Maybe it's some comfort that you are not alone down in the dark today.
One of my favorite quotes came to mind earlier....
"Nothing in this wicked world is permanent, not even our troubles" - Charlie Chaplin.
This too shall pass,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Very well and profoundly spoken, Kittyboo!
BS08, I heartily agree with KB - work on YOU. You are not defined by a man. My brother once told me that when I am happy with myself alone, that is when I'll be ready for a relationship.
I have SO been where you are right now. When I try to describe it to people they say; "don't get that way, pull yourself up by your bootstraps". They don't understand that some days, that is impossible.
And again, I second KB, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, and take it one day/moment at a time. It takes time to heal. To grow. Be patient with yourself. One day you'll turn around and think; "huh, I'm actually happy". Give it time. Meanwhile, stay on the loving pages of this forum where you are loved and supported.
HUGS!
Tigger
BS08, I heartily agree with KB - work on YOU. You are not defined by a man. My brother once told me that when I am happy with myself alone, that is when I'll be ready for a relationship.
I have SO been where you are right now. When I try to describe it to people they say; "don't get that way, pull yourself up by your bootstraps". They don't understand that some days, that is impossible.
And again, I second KB, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, and take it one day/moment at a time. It takes time to heal. To grow. Be patient with yourself. One day you'll turn around and think; "huh, I'm actually happy". Give it time. Meanwhile, stay on the loving pages of this forum where you are loved and supported.
HUGS!
Tigger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Where's the light switch?
Next time you're in the hole with me, bring a candle, will ya?
That's why I came here. It makes me feel not so alone and that people will understand me here. I have tended to put on the happy face as well this week and just act like it's all okay. I worked 6 days this week to just help keep me busy and forget the holidays, especially the great one I had last year. It helped somewhat, but the moment I had alone time, I fell to pieces. And I know looking at his FB page hasn't helped. I must like pain a lot because I keep going back for it. I just feel like a wreck. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about it anymore. I feel like a broken record lately but I don't know how to stop the turntable.
I have been keeping my depression a secret on the inside, even to my best friend and family. I don't feel I can talk about it anymore to my BF because she is in the process of going thru a bad divorce and I'm trying to be there emotionally for her like she's been there for me. But lately I don't feel I have empathy to spare, you know? And I don't think anyone is going to want to be around me like this. Depressed people are no fun to be around. I'm just starting to wonder where I've gone. Where is that strong happy person I was months ago? How did I lose her? How did I let him take that from me?
Funny thing too is that I have just recently reconnected with my family, and I have distanced from my oldest niece already. She's 20 and SEVERELY immature and irresponsible (my sister is at a loss as to what to do with her). She recently broke off a 3 year relationship to hook up with a 18 year old highschool senior one week later. She's been writing awful things and been completely insensitive to her ex, who is devastated. Brings it right home for me, and we had words about it, but I stepped back because it's not my place. Funny how a 47 year old acts just like my 20 year old niece?
But I feel better already just posting. I feel this is a place for reality here, not my magical thinking, not denying what is fact, and where I don't have to lie about how I feel.
I know I really REALLY have to keep myself away from his FB page. It's going to kill me if I don't.
Thank you guys... I see a little light now. Just hope it doesn't go out...
That's why I came here. It makes me feel not so alone and that people will understand me here. I have tended to put on the happy face as well this week and just act like it's all okay. I worked 6 days this week to just help keep me busy and forget the holidays, especially the great one I had last year. It helped somewhat, but the moment I had alone time, I fell to pieces. And I know looking at his FB page hasn't helped. I must like pain a lot because I keep going back for it. I just feel like a wreck. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about it anymore. I feel like a broken record lately but I don't know how to stop the turntable.
I have been keeping my depression a secret on the inside, even to my best friend and family. I don't feel I can talk about it anymore to my BF because she is in the process of going thru a bad divorce and I'm trying to be there emotionally for her like she's been there for me. But lately I don't feel I have empathy to spare, you know? And I don't think anyone is going to want to be around me like this. Depressed people are no fun to be around. I'm just starting to wonder where I've gone. Where is that strong happy person I was months ago? How did I lose her? How did I let him take that from me?
Funny thing too is that I have just recently reconnected with my family, and I have distanced from my oldest niece already. She's 20 and SEVERELY immature and irresponsible (my sister is at a loss as to what to do with her). She recently broke off a 3 year relationship to hook up with a 18 year old highschool senior one week later. She's been writing awful things and been completely insensitive to her ex, who is devastated. Brings it right home for me, and we had words about it, but I stepped back because it's not my place. Funny how a 47 year old acts just like my 20 year old niece?
But I feel better already just posting. I feel this is a place for reality here, not my magical thinking, not denying what is fact, and where I don't have to lie about how I feel.
I know I really REALLY have to keep myself away from his FB page. It's going to kill me if I don't.
Thank you guys... I see a little light now. Just hope it doesn't go out...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
bso8
I felt it too - posting ... just by itself ...helps.
I know what you're feeling.
And IMO, it really *is* a hole.
It's a hole where the person used to be.
maybe you're being shown just how big
and unfair
an amount of your day to day life
this person dominated.
The facebook thing -
ok you and I both know
there's no solution in that.
It goes from
oh, woe is me...
and when you apply what we've learned....
it turns into
'hey check this out I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.'
'wow I can always find the remote'.
'I can HOLD the remote for however long I want to'.
'I never have to sit through an action film again'.
It turns around, hon.
It does.
I felt it too - posting ... just by itself ...helps.
I know what you're feeling.
And IMO, it really *is* a hole.
It's a hole where the person used to be.
maybe you're being shown just how big
and unfair
an amount of your day to day life
this person dominated.
The facebook thing -
ok you and I both know
there's no solution in that.
It goes from
oh, woe is me...
and when you apply what we've learned....
it turns into
'hey check this out I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.'
'wow I can always find the remote'.
'I can HOLD the remote for however long I want to'.
'I never have to sit through an action film again'.
It turns around, hon.
It does.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I had a good time with family on Christmas day, but have had a nasty bug that gave me ear and throat infection and has pulled me down. Couldn't do my ministery at midnight mass, or even get to church Sunday.
Still in pj's now for 2nd day in a row.
Can't fault abf, who has come over and fed me and been a rock, bless him.
Found this little image that I have pasted above my bedroom mirror as a reminder for "if or when" I need a push in the right direction.
Don't know if it will help anyone else, but hope so.
God bless
Still in pj's now for 2nd day in a row.
Can't fault abf, who has come over and fed me and been a rock, bless him.
Found this little image that I have pasted above my bedroom mirror as a reminder for "if or when" I need a push in the right direction.
Don't know if it will help anyone else, but hope so.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I have been doing "all the right things" for a while now to recover from my divorce from XAH, and my continued contact with him due to our dd. I can tell you that just about every day since the day I separated from him for good has been a struggle, and difficult. I can also, happily, report that for whatever reason, in the last week I have finally felt the burden lift at least a bit. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I'll never have a dark day again, but I can tell you that for a while there I truly believed I would never feel any relief, and finally, 11 months later, I do feel some. And I think it will continue to improve. Time and doing the right thing for yourself....it works eventually.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((BS08)))
I don't have any earth shattering solution for getting out of the hole you're in. I just wanted to say that I have been there too.
I take anti depressants, which have saved my life when I was at my lowest. I haven't been that low in a long, long time though. Please talk to your therapist about how you feel - its their job to listen to you even if you are a 'broken record'!!! My counsellor helped me get to the roots of why I was feeling the way I was feeling (not just STBXAH but family of origin things) - sometimes just shedding a little light on why can lift it a little. She has me constantly watching for 'should' thinking - I'm 39 (but only just, give it a month and a bit and I won't be any more) with 4 cats and about to be divorced from someone I was with 18 years!! Not how I planned my life to be. I 'should' be with someone, I 'should' have children etc etc. I can 'should' my way into a hide under the duvet day really easily!
Another thing I did was 'come clean' about my depression to my closest friends and my family. It had become the big white elephant in the room for me - bigger than the alcoholism!! Letting it out to a few people actually helped. I wasn't so alone with my 'secret' - and I found that I wasn't the only one to experience depression! Sometimes, when I look back at all the junk I've been through, I'm amazed I'm not in a padded room somewhere...
I have my good days and the bad, I just have to remember that this too will pass. The stronger you is still there - she's just processing a lot of the negative stuff all at once!! Be kind to yourself.
I don't have any earth shattering solution for getting out of the hole you're in. I just wanted to say that I have been there too.
I take anti depressants, which have saved my life when I was at my lowest. I haven't been that low in a long, long time though. Please talk to your therapist about how you feel - its their job to listen to you even if you are a 'broken record'!!! My counsellor helped me get to the roots of why I was feeling the way I was feeling (not just STBXAH but family of origin things) - sometimes just shedding a little light on why can lift it a little. She has me constantly watching for 'should' thinking - I'm 39 (but only just, give it a month and a bit and I won't be any more) with 4 cats and about to be divorced from someone I was with 18 years!! Not how I planned my life to be. I 'should' be with someone, I 'should' have children etc etc. I can 'should' my way into a hide under the duvet day really easily!
Another thing I did was 'come clean' about my depression to my closest friends and my family. It had become the big white elephant in the room for me - bigger than the alcoholism!! Letting it out to a few people actually helped. I wasn't so alone with my 'secret' - and I found that I wasn't the only one to experience depression! Sometimes, when I look back at all the junk I've been through, I'm amazed I'm not in a padded room somewhere...
I have my good days and the bad, I just have to remember that this too will pass. The stronger you is still there - she's just processing a lot of the negative stuff all at once!! Be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Oh I can tooootally relate. I feel like I'm on top of the world some days, just workin' on me and feeling all strong and tough, and then there's days like today. Just know it will get better. It will! Hang in there.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 20
"Don't look back, because you are not going that way".
That is one of my favorite sayings because it reminds me to stay looking forward. When we look back on our past...it can immobilize us.
You happy will come back. You are grieving and that is ok...that is normal! Remember the steps to grieve. In order to get to acceptance you are going to feel uncomfortable. You will grow because of this. Give time..time.
As far as comparing yourself to others ah not a good idea because really for me I know I am comparing my "insides to someones outsides" - just like comparing apples to oranges - they don't compare. And everyone has struggles. I don't know what has gone on in their life or is going on.
Hugs
That is one of my favorite sayings because it reminds me to stay looking forward. When we look back on our past...it can immobilize us.
You happy will come back. You are grieving and that is ok...that is normal! Remember the steps to grieve. In order to get to acceptance you are going to feel uncomfortable. You will grow because of this. Give time..time.
As far as comparing yourself to others ah not a good idea because really for me I know I am comparing my "insides to someones outsides" - just like comparing apples to oranges - they don't compare. And everyone has struggles. I don't know what has gone on in their life or is going on.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Winter and holidays are major triggers for my depression and for a lot of people. Even with therapy and antidepressants, I've still had a couple of days this winter where I didn't want to get dressed or leave the house. Its no fun being in that hole, I'm really glad you are able to come here and talk about it with your SR family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
just one more person to affirm what you are feeling and going through at this time.
You said some really good things...you are getting in touch with your feelings - knowing what you want (and not just what you don't want) and looking at others? well that just doesn't help - we never know what "face" they are putting on- I don't think any of us planned our lives this way - no one would choose this life on purpose. We can't control the outcome of our decisions or other people so we take our best shot and deal with it.
I think our culture tends to shame us or guilt us into thinking when choices turn out bad that there is something wrong with us. But remember we don't get to control the world, we can only make choices and respond to them. When I first went to alanon I saw the word RESONSIBILITY on the board and immediately saw this - RESPONS - ABILITY = the ability to respond. The other members thought it showed great insight. Anyway, whether you choose to comfort yourself when blue or go out and party with life is up to you.
BTW at least you have family and friends to call or arrange things with... some of us are really alone (at a certain age it happens). I have spent the past year since my separation from AH and then RAH, getting support from talking on the boards here and there. I read more, listen to teleseminars on line, picked up gaming (at my age? oh well reflexes aren't great but the mind still works) and completed a 1000 pc puzzle. I do a lot at home b/c my work is demanding and working with other people's problems all day. I miss some of the normal things of my life with this man -I miss parts of him too - but I need peace too - I need comforting too - I can't make a list of the people I can count on , but I can't make a list to remind me of why my RAH and I are not under the same roof.
People say (and I think it is in the Just for Today poem) Life if what you make it - transition times require just that - time to have your feelings and figure out what is next - you don't have to know instantly what to do next.
You said some really good things...you are getting in touch with your feelings - knowing what you want (and not just what you don't want) and looking at others? well that just doesn't help - we never know what "face" they are putting on- I don't think any of us planned our lives this way - no one would choose this life on purpose. We can't control the outcome of our decisions or other people so we take our best shot and deal with it.
I think our culture tends to shame us or guilt us into thinking when choices turn out bad that there is something wrong with us. But remember we don't get to control the world, we can only make choices and respond to them. When I first went to alanon I saw the word RESONSIBILITY on the board and immediately saw this - RESPONS - ABILITY = the ability to respond. The other members thought it showed great insight. Anyway, whether you choose to comfort yourself when blue or go out and party with life is up to you.
BTW at least you have family and friends to call or arrange things with... some of us are really alone (at a certain age it happens). I have spent the past year since my separation from AH and then RAH, getting support from talking on the boards here and there. I read more, listen to teleseminars on line, picked up gaming (at my age? oh well reflexes aren't great but the mind still works) and completed a 1000 pc puzzle. I do a lot at home b/c my work is demanding and working with other people's problems all day. I miss some of the normal things of my life with this man -I miss parts of him too - but I need peace too - I need comforting too - I can't make a list of the people I can count on , but I can't make a list to remind me of why my RAH and I are not under the same roof.
People say (and I think it is in the Just for Today poem) Life if what you make it - transition times require just that - time to have your feelings and figure out what is next - you don't have to know instantly what to do next.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
I understand
I totally understand how you feel!
My BF and I had broken up in January of this year (subsequently gotten back together now) and it was VERY hard for me to deal with.
I had missed the good stuff, the joking around, the things we used to do together, and like you, I wondered "Maybe his drinking wasn't that bad, after-all, no one else saw a problem with it!"
I doubted myself all the time.
I checked his FB all the time.
We lived together for 3 months after the breakup because I had to save up to move, and I'd snoop in his email (Big no-no, I know!)
All those things hurt me a great deal.
One day I just stopped though. I realized that I was sitting there, depressed, alone, crying, hurting and what was he doing.....out having a good time. Being with friends etc.
I got mad then. I figured HE was the cause of the hurt and tears, and I REFUSED to let him have that kind of hold over me anymore.
Looking in his email and FB did nothing but hurt myself and I didn't want to feel that pain anymore!!
I'd post on another site about how I was hurting and everyone told me to just STOP looking at that stuff, focus on other things. He was having fun and I was miserable!
But, I didn't take thier advice. I kept doing it until I knew within myself that I needed to stop, for my own sanity and self healing.
So, while I can sit here and stringly urge you to stop, I know in my my heart that you won't until you've had enough.
There's nothing wrong with sitting in your pj's all day, doing absolutely nothing, unless it goes on for days and days. Once in a while is ok.
You know in your heart the drinking and pot use was an issue, please don't talk yourself into believing otherwise.
So, yes....take a few days to sit around, putter about, play games online, watch movies, try and reconnect with old friends on FB, go sit in a library and read, cry.....allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Because afterall you are grieving the loss of the relationship and it's totally normal!
Once you're ready to move on, you'll know it. And you're never totally alone, we're all here to talk to you and support you.
My BF and I had broken up in January of this year (subsequently gotten back together now) and it was VERY hard for me to deal with.
I had missed the good stuff, the joking around, the things we used to do together, and like you, I wondered "Maybe his drinking wasn't that bad, after-all, no one else saw a problem with it!"
I doubted myself all the time.
I checked his FB all the time.
We lived together for 3 months after the breakup because I had to save up to move, and I'd snoop in his email (Big no-no, I know!)
All those things hurt me a great deal.
One day I just stopped though. I realized that I was sitting there, depressed, alone, crying, hurting and what was he doing.....out having a good time. Being with friends etc.
I got mad then. I figured HE was the cause of the hurt and tears, and I REFUSED to let him have that kind of hold over me anymore.
Looking in his email and FB did nothing but hurt myself and I didn't want to feel that pain anymore!!
I'd post on another site about how I was hurting and everyone told me to just STOP looking at that stuff, focus on other things. He was having fun and I was miserable!
But, I didn't take thier advice. I kept doing it until I knew within myself that I needed to stop, for my own sanity and self healing.
So, while I can sit here and stringly urge you to stop, I know in my my heart that you won't until you've had enough.
There's nothing wrong with sitting in your pj's all day, doing absolutely nothing, unless it goes on for days and days. Once in a while is ok.
You know in your heart the drinking and pot use was an issue, please don't talk yourself into believing otherwise.
So, yes....take a few days to sit around, putter about, play games online, watch movies, try and reconnect with old friends on FB, go sit in a library and read, cry.....allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Because afterall you are grieving the loss of the relationship and it's totally normal!
Once you're ready to move on, you'll know it. And you're never totally alone, we're all here to talk to you and support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Wow - this dark hole is getting crowded....
This holiday brought little to me except sadness and doubt. After being free from my XAH for a couple of years, I find myself in a troubled relationship again (although he is not an alcoholic). We live together, but things are very tense. He has no money and so did not get me a gift. Makes me very sad, cause I told him he didn't need to spend anything -- but that I wanted a gift from him even if it was just a note that said "I love you". The blizzard of 2009 kept me from being able to travel to spend Christmas with my parents. And my bf told me that him clearing the driveway so I could go to the grocery store was my Christmas present. When I told him how much that hurt, he claimed he didn't mean it and that he was just kidding. That triggers ALOT of hurt from my days with my AH..... so I kept pushing the subject, and finally he apologized.
Not used to listening to my gut -- and my gut is telling me to end this. Then the rest of me starts screaming that my "gut" is over-reacting and I am being too sensitive. That's also what bf says, that I am overthinking.... OK, therapy today; call my sponsor today....
I wasn't much of a FB user until I met him. He is on FB all the time.... openly flirting with other girls (they are "just friends"). Also told him how much this hurts me, and even said it wouldn't hurt so much if he would just spend at least as much effort flirting with me. But, we are "settled in to a relationship" (his words) so I guess that's not important anymore. Even read through his text messages yesterday (more flirting).... ugh, what have I become.
You are not alone, I am not alone, let's have a party down here in the dark hole. Nothing can hurt us anymore, we CAN save ourselves!
This holiday brought little to me except sadness and doubt. After being free from my XAH for a couple of years, I find myself in a troubled relationship again (although he is not an alcoholic). We live together, but things are very tense. He has no money and so did not get me a gift. Makes me very sad, cause I told him he didn't need to spend anything -- but that I wanted a gift from him even if it was just a note that said "I love you". The blizzard of 2009 kept me from being able to travel to spend Christmas with my parents. And my bf told me that him clearing the driveway so I could go to the grocery store was my Christmas present. When I told him how much that hurt, he claimed he didn't mean it and that he was just kidding. That triggers ALOT of hurt from my days with my AH..... so I kept pushing the subject, and finally he apologized.
Not used to listening to my gut -- and my gut is telling me to end this. Then the rest of me starts screaming that my "gut" is over-reacting and I am being too sensitive. That's also what bf says, that I am overthinking.... OK, therapy today; call my sponsor today....
I wasn't much of a FB user until I met him. He is on FB all the time.... openly flirting with other girls (they are "just friends"). Also told him how much this hurts me, and even said it wouldn't hurt so much if he would just spend at least as much effort flirting with me. But, we are "settled in to a relationship" (his words) so I guess that's not important anymore. Even read through his text messages yesterday (more flirting).... ugh, what have I become.
You are not alone, I am not alone, let's have a party down here in the dark hole. Nothing can hurt us anymore, we CAN save ourselves!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Me too!
I was going to start a thread with this title. I'm so profoundly sad right now and totally understand. Reading this thread helped...I guess misery loves company. However, EVERYTHING in my life seems to be going wrong and I can't maintain a positive attitude. My AH and his abuse has ramped up over the holidays. Our small business is struggling and I'm left to handle most of it myself because he is drinking. He's promised to leave and divorce me this week. I'm depressed because I'm 1200 miles away from my family and my friends are mad at me. I'm 45, childless, about to be divorced for the 2nd time, and close to broke.
What's the worst is my husband claims he started a secret website for his father and some friends to visit. He records our arguments on his cell phone and downloads them to this website and threatens that he will use these in the divorce and/or to have me arrested. He screams at me for the 3 days he spent in jail for kicking me last March. I didn't even want him arrested then but I did call the police because he said he was going to call them to have me arrested for supposedly hitting him (he had bruises from falling down drunk.) I don't understand the insanity and unfairness of it all. Now I'm starting to overindulge in alcohol to cope but it seems better than the dark thoughts I have. When I think it can't get any worse, it does. There is no end in sight!
What's the worst is my husband claims he started a secret website for his father and some friends to visit. He records our arguments on his cell phone and downloads them to this website and threatens that he will use these in the divorce and/or to have me arrested. He screams at me for the 3 days he spent in jail for kicking me last March. I didn't even want him arrested then but I did call the police because he said he was going to call them to have me arrested for supposedly hitting him (he had bruises from falling down drunk.) I don't understand the insanity and unfairness of it all. Now I'm starting to overindulge in alcohol to cope but it seems better than the dark thoughts I have. When I think it can't get any worse, it does. There is no end in sight!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Saint Francis,
All I can say is that I am so sorry you are feeling like this, like there is no end in sight. But there is. It's impossible to see sometimes but there is.
As far as starting to overindulge in drinking..... you know that's not the answer right? I know it seems as if alcohol helps you cope, but if anything, it doesn't allow you to face what you need to face to start to heal.
I don't really drink at all. I wasn't an alcoholic, and when I was in my 20's like many, I use to get drunk like a lot of people, but the thing that I notice about alcohol and drinking is that nothing good EVER came out of it for me. And now, especially since I have been coming to terms with a lot of pain in my life, I REALLY don't want to drink anything. Alcohol does nothing but enhance a depression in me. It makes me lose control of my emotions. (when i've been sober I often lose control of my emotions....italian genes! ) So the last thing I have a desire to do is drink.
Instead, I have thrown myself into books, mostly about positivity, spirituality. It may seem simple, but the messages that you deliver to yourself have a profound effect on your outlook on life.
Can you cope with your feelings another way instead of drinking? You can cope with them through healthier ways.
I don't know if this helps. There are so many great people here who understand exactly how you feel. Keep posting and reading, it will help lift you up and let you know that you are not alone.
All I can say is that I am so sorry you are feeling like this, like there is no end in sight. But there is. It's impossible to see sometimes but there is.
As far as starting to overindulge in drinking..... you know that's not the answer right? I know it seems as if alcohol helps you cope, but if anything, it doesn't allow you to face what you need to face to start to heal.
I don't really drink at all. I wasn't an alcoholic, and when I was in my 20's like many, I use to get drunk like a lot of people, but the thing that I notice about alcohol and drinking is that nothing good EVER came out of it for me. And now, especially since I have been coming to terms with a lot of pain in my life, I REALLY don't want to drink anything. Alcohol does nothing but enhance a depression in me. It makes me lose control of my emotions. (when i've been sober I often lose control of my emotions....italian genes!
) So the last thing I have a desire to do is drink.Instead, I have thrown myself into books, mostly about positivity, spirituality. It may seem simple, but the messages that you deliver to yourself have a profound effect on your outlook on life.
Can you cope with your feelings another way instead of drinking? You can cope with them through healthier ways.
I don't know if this helps. There are so many great people here who understand exactly how you feel. Keep posting and reading, it will help lift you up and let you know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Yes, Kitty, you are right. I know overindulging is not the answer and thank you for reminding me about how it makes a person (me) more depressed and more emotional. You hit it right on the head when you said that nothing good came from drinking. What you wrote here to me makes a big difference. Thanks!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi BS,
You are a human being....
On Sat I was the moodiest person ever, started ok, then felt really sad about these days, and had no christmas at all as I really need to save money, fought with bf, felt angry at him, then felt more angry and something triggered a really bad memory so I also cried in my bathroom, then I cheered up, even had wine (a gift), then felt indifferent and hopeless, oh man was I a rollercoaster. But when I realized this I thought it was just not a good day, and I would try again on Sunday.
Yesterday I had unexpected good moments and good news. And now I feel stable again. Oh well. As Jesus said "get the dust off your shoes and keep walking" (or something like that...).
I ignored everyone here when they told me not to talk to XABF, look at his FB, etc. I still crave looking at what he is up to. But then I remember. When I saw he dedicated his gf the same song he dedicated to me and I realized I had meant nothing... when I walked to a pay phone, crying, one Saturday morning after one of his binges and verbal abuse, called my mom and felt so damn lonely..... oh man, just writing that a year later make my eyes watery again. I remember a painful convoluted year, and I imagine I am an outsider seeing this girl crying her eyes out (that was me) and no she does not deserve any more pain.
We all arrive there in our time, when you see something in FB that is painful enough, you will stop...
It does get better because even if times suck, the little joys and victories feel so fresh and new, and are so worth it! counting my blessings and doing gratitude lists help me see the glass half full ((hugs))
You are a human being....
On Sat I was the moodiest person ever, started ok, then felt really sad about these days, and had no christmas at all as I really need to save money, fought with bf, felt angry at him, then felt more angry and something triggered a really bad memory so I also cried in my bathroom, then I cheered up, even had wine (a gift), then felt indifferent and hopeless, oh man was I a rollercoaster. But when I realized this I thought it was just not a good day, and I would try again on Sunday.
Yesterday I had unexpected good moments and good news. And now I feel stable again. Oh well. As Jesus said "get the dust off your shoes and keep walking" (or something like that...).
I ignored everyone here when they told me not to talk to XABF, look at his FB, etc. I still crave looking at what he is up to. But then I remember. When I saw he dedicated his gf the same song he dedicated to me and I realized I had meant nothing... when I walked to a pay phone, crying, one Saturday morning after one of his binges and verbal abuse, called my mom and felt so damn lonely..... oh man, just writing that a year later make my eyes watery again. I remember a painful convoluted year, and I imagine I am an outsider seeing this girl crying her eyes out (that was me) and no she does not deserve any more pain.
We all arrive there in our time, when you see something in FB that is painful enough, you will stop...
It does get better because even if times suck, the little joys and victories feel so fresh and new, and are so worth it! counting my blessings and doing gratitude lists help me see the glass half full ((hugs))
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