What is this place?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What is this place?
AH went to his new place finally. The kids are great. I am too.
He is sad, calls me asking if I am. I think about it and say, "not really, but I do appreciate all the work you did here." He asks me why and I tell him, it's the drinking. It's true. He was very helpful, the kids loved having him around. If it weren't for the drinking, oh and that he's a raging mess of a drunk, things would have been great.
Here's what confuses me. Just a bit cause I know myself and know this is real.
I am glad he's out of here, but I'm not angry. I don't resent him. I think it's apathy. Or indifference.
Having PTSD, I know that at any time I could be triggered into that horrific state of abandoment and flashbacks, but I think leaving the marital home, leaving the town where his affairs and all that ugliness occurred has given me a safety net.
I think I am not "in love" with him. I think also that I am not "in hate" with him.
It's a real gift because I will be seeing/talking with him regularly as we divide our time with the kids.
Just wondering if anyone else has reached this peaceful place with their A without NC.
Happy Holidays and Happy Everything
Transform
He is sad, calls me asking if I am. I think about it and say, "not really, but I do appreciate all the work you did here." He asks me why and I tell him, it's the drinking. It's true. He was very helpful, the kids loved having him around. If it weren't for the drinking, oh and that he's a raging mess of a drunk, things would have been great.
Here's what confuses me. Just a bit cause I know myself and know this is real.
I am glad he's out of here, but I'm not angry. I don't resent him. I think it's apathy. Or indifference.
Having PTSD, I know that at any time I could be triggered into that horrific state of abandoment and flashbacks, but I think leaving the marital home, leaving the town where his affairs and all that ugliness occurred has given me a safety net.
I think I am not "in love" with him. I think also that I am not "in hate" with him.
It's a real gift because I will be seeing/talking with him regularly as we divide our time with the kids.
Just wondering if anyone else has reached this peaceful place with their A without NC.
Happy Holidays and Happy Everything
Transform
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Well, I am in NC with my A...and i'm certainly not as peaceful as you are. Though I am getting there.
I am still struggling with a myriad of emotions ranging from unconditional love, to anger, to resentment, to my own abandonment issues which he triggered. And I am reading every day about how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, and reaching another level of spirituality.
It sounds like you are in a stage of forgiveness, which I think we all strive for. I know I am. I think that's where true peace comes into existence.
I am happy for you that you have reached this point. It is a very calm place to get to. Enjoy your new peaceful life!
I am still struggling with a myriad of emotions ranging from unconditional love, to anger, to resentment, to my own abandonment issues which he triggered. And I am reading every day about how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, and reaching another level of spirituality.
It sounds like you are in a stage of forgiveness, which I think we all strive for. I know I am. I think that's where true peace comes into existence.
I am happy for you that you have reached this point. It is a very calm place to get to. Enjoy your new peaceful life!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Kitty (love your name by the way) I did this for years. Seperated twice. Twice! He slept with skanky women. Seriously, any fear I had, this guy made them come true. I think that's when real peace comes in, cause when your worst fears come true, there's nothing left to fear anymore.
Keep praying, keep focusing on yourself and how to make your life better. That's what I"ve been doing. Working hard. Thank you for reminding me 
I am still struggling with a myriad of emotions ranging from unconditional love, to anger, to resentment, to my own abandonment issues which he triggered.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Thanks! 
I think the hardest thing is to forgive myself. I put up with so much, and didn't call him out on his behavior. This really makes me mad.
When you said you delt with yours sleeping with skanky women...
though I never caught mine, I'm not stupid. And i'm fairly sure he was sleeping with several women.
He had a work retreat in cabo....he admitted to doing coke there, obviously they were getting drunk everyday. When he got back was when he admitted that he was still in "love" with his ex wife....
I pushed down all of my feelings of anger and hurt, and tried to say just be happy! (ugh) and I asked him how many he slept with in cabo.
When I think back to his answer now I think what an ass who thinks he's so SLY...
He said " I slept alone every night".
No doubt maybe slept alone every night...but nice way to NOT answer the question. ANd i'll never forget the way he said it...like it was a planned answer. I don't know if you know what I mean, but it's one of those answers that they give when they are blatanly LYING.
I need to pray now, i'm a little angry all over again. Breath in breath out. I guess I should be thankful he's no longer in my life.
I think the hardest thing is to forgive myself. I put up with so much, and didn't call him out on his behavior. This really makes me mad.
When you said you delt with yours sleeping with skanky women...
though I never caught mine, I'm not stupid. And i'm fairly sure he was sleeping with several women.
He had a work retreat in cabo....he admitted to doing coke there, obviously they were getting drunk everyday. When he got back was when he admitted that he was still in "love" with his ex wife....
I pushed down all of my feelings of anger and hurt, and tried to say just be happy! (ugh) and I asked him how many he slept with in cabo.
When I think back to his answer now I think what an ass who thinks he's so SLY...
He said " I slept alone every night".
No doubt maybe slept alone every night...but nice way to NOT answer the question. ANd i'll never forget the way he said it...like it was a planned answer. I don't know if you know what I mean, but it's one of those answers that they give when they are blatanly LYING.
I need to pray now, i'm a little angry all over again. Breath in breath out.
I guess I should be thankful he's no longer in my life.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I KNOW that my husbands affairs comprimised my sanity and ability to take care of myself. It's traumatizing. The range of feelings, especially anger, will keep you tied to him for a good long while, especially when you don't have verification of the cheating. That'll drive you nuts, garunteed.
I think I sent you to the survivinginfidelity.com website once before, but could be wrong. They will help walk you through that maze of madness. But I come HERE for alcoholic help. I don't think all alcoholics cheat, but it is common among drinkers. Why not? Low self esteem and inflated ego make a perfect breeding ground for getting your ego stroked in whatever way possible, even when it's a brutal betrayal. AND I think it's a great way to get back at your nagging spouse, who won't leave you alone about the damn drinking!
I think both of my blogs here deal with cheating, drinking, and getting the best revenge ever by taking back my life. If you're not already exercising, I highly recommend Bikram yoga. Just because after doing an hour and half of yoga in a 105 degree room, there's not much anger left in you. You wring it out like a wet dishcloth.
Keep working it out, Kitty!!
I think I sent you to the survivinginfidelity.com website once before, but could be wrong. They will help walk you through that maze of madness. But I come HERE for alcoholic help. I don't think all alcoholics cheat, but it is common among drinkers. Why not? Low self esteem and inflated ego make a perfect breeding ground for getting your ego stroked in whatever way possible, even when it's a brutal betrayal. AND I think it's a great way to get back at your nagging spouse, who won't leave you alone about the damn drinking!
I think both of my blogs here deal with cheating, drinking, and getting the best revenge ever by taking back my life. If you're not already exercising, I highly recommend Bikram yoga. Just because after doing an hour and half of yoga in a 105 degree room, there's not much anger left in you. You wring it out like a wet dishcloth.
Keep working it out, Kitty!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh I loved Bikram Yoga! I use to do it when I lived in NYC. Oh but then I moved because of "LOVE"...
I'm not working now so it's rather expensive. But since I have returned to college they do offer yoga and pilates. Which I will start doing.
I really do need to start exercising again, mostly I have just been reading, and focusing on some good things I have coming up...like my move OUTTA here! Though I do want to check out those new Reebox Easy Tone sneakers!
I think you are right...not ALL alcoholics cheat. That's not fair to say. But when the one's we know share similar traits of lying, drinking, drugging...chances are, there is some infedility thrown in. Though mine would specifically say how he was against cheating and would never EVER do it.
However, there was more than one time when I was with him and his ex, when she was his ex, would call and leave drunk messages accusing him of cheating when they were together. He maintained that HE never did, but he said SHE did. Yeah, i'm sure she made it all up in her head. Whatever, she took him back anyway.
Good grief!
And yes, feelings of anger, any negative feelings I think keep you tied to him and the situation. That's why focusing on forgiveness is so important....just healing in general.
Reading about Buddhism is starting to do wonders for me.
I'm not working now so it's rather expensive. But since I have returned to college they do offer yoga and pilates. Which I will start doing.
I really do need to start exercising again, mostly I have just been reading, and focusing on some good things I have coming up...like my move OUTTA here!
Though I do want to check out those new Reebox Easy Tone sneakers!I think you are right...not ALL alcoholics cheat. That's not fair to say. But when the one's we know share similar traits of lying, drinking, drugging...chances are, there is some infedility thrown in. Though mine would specifically say how he was against cheating and would never EVER do it.
However, there was more than one time when I was with him and his ex, when she was his ex, would call and leave drunk messages accusing him of cheating when they were together. He maintained that HE never did, but he said SHE did. Yeah, i'm sure she made it all up in her head. Whatever, she took him back anyway.
Good grief!
And yes, feelings of anger, any negative feelings I think keep you tied to him and the situation. That's why focusing on forgiveness is so important....just healing in general.
Reading about Buddhism is starting to do wonders for me.
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
...Here's what confuses me. Just a bit cause I know myself and know this is real. I am glad he's out of here, but I'm not angry. I don't resent him. I think it's apathy. Or indifference. .... I think I am not "in love" with him. I think also that I am not "in hate" with him. ...
and yes, that's the way I feel about my ex.... after many, many months of working my program.Mike
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY, NY
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Kittyboo and Transform, I too have been thinking about my XABF low self esteem and his constant need to be validated by anyone that would give him attention. When we began seeing each other again after being broken up for 8 months he was sleeping with me (thank God only once) and telling me that he loved me , this girl he was dating that he was secretly professing his love to, and seeing an old ex-girlfriend who would visit out of state. All at the same time! I later found out that he actually had these 2 girls hang out with each other and had the girl he was dating pick the other one up from the airport! UUCCKK!
I have been thinking that his life is such a chaotic mess that he constantly feels crappy about himself so he needs this constant attention. I mean if he truly loved his now girlfriend would he have done that to her? I have not quite come to the point of forgiveness but I am realizing perhaps I didn't really know him at all. Can you really just become someone capable of those things after almost a year of serious binge drinking? I agree that exercise is the way to go--it helps relieve stress in a positive way.
Keep being strong ladies! I believe with the coming of the new year we may finally get the peace we deserve.
I have been thinking that his life is such a chaotic mess that he constantly feels crappy about himself so he needs this constant attention. I mean if he truly loved his now girlfriend would he have done that to her? I have not quite come to the point of forgiveness but I am realizing perhaps I didn't really know him at all. Can you really just become someone capable of those things after almost a year of serious binge drinking? I agree that exercise is the way to go--it helps relieve stress in a positive way.
Keep being strong ladies! I believe with the coming of the new year we may finally get the peace we deserve.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
MIke, No wonder I'm confused! I don't think I've seen much "serenity" in my part of the world. It's a brand new experience. One I'm willing to do pretty much anything to hold on to. Thanks!
Dunno about your part of the world but around here we call that "serenity"
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Attention getting in a different way
I'll share how my AH gets his attention...he helps everyone in the neighborhood! They all think he is wonderful. He bends over backwards to do odd jobs [mostly for free] for the neighbors. He lost his license [DUI] a few years back, but he'll drive the neighbors' cars taking them to Dr. or Home Depot...you know he isn't telling them he has no license. He doesn't have a job...he keeps "busy" being Mr. Nice Guy. But when he is home he complains. He commits to walking the disabled ladies dogs every day, but then doesn't even show up for that! Yikes! It gets to me sometimes. Guess it is better than sleeping around, but who knows, he may be doing that too. He doesn't verbally abuse the neighbors - but if they knew what he was really like at home they wouldn't tolerate him either. This is how he gets $ for booze and cigs [which I stopped buying for him-cigs that is.] Now he has places to hide his booze that aren't at home, like the neighbor's shed, bushes, etc. It really gets my goat that he deceives these people - Mr. Wonderful my foot! 
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