husbandofacoa

Well I blew it! This will sound so trivial compared to what most of you are dealing with.

My estranged daughter showed up at a family Christmas gathering. I didn't think that we would see her. She complains about us and tells everyone that we were horrible parents (we were at times).

Anyway, her tires were thread bare and I bought her a set of tires. I know this sounds like a good thing but it is not. She didn't ask for my help. My "I want to be a knight in shining armor" trait reared it's head again. Also, my "let me manage your life because you can't handle it by yourself" trait. If I can throw money at the issue, I don't have to do anything else right?

I am bummed out. I wish that she managed her life better so that she could afford tires. I wish that she knew when she needed tires. I wish that I knew how to deal with situations like this. My other kids, even the boys, will call and ask advice on car situations. It saves them money (and sometimes it saves me money) in the long run.

I know that it is her life and I need to leave her alone unless she asks for my help. I have a hard time with the thought of her driving around on dangerous tires.

I would welcome a response from any of you who have been on either end of a similar relationship.

Kittyboo

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did. ( I also don't know the whole story).... but I don't think it's that big of a deal.

You bought her new tires so she could be safer in her car? What's wrong with that??
Sometimes it's just nice to do something for someone...period. I think that codependency gets way blown out of proportion many a times, especially since many of us, including myself, have codependency issues that we are working on.
But everyone on this earth is codependent in some way shape and form. If there weren't no one would care a thing about anyone else and there would be no relationships.

There are degree's of codependence I feel. 1-10. 10 being an overly codependent individual. JMO, and not a professional scale.

But really, stop being so hard on yourself about this. Forgive me if I don't know the whole story, but I think that buying her tires because the one's she had was a nice thing to do.

Also, I don't have a relationship with my father....he disowned me. So yes, it would be nice if he would do something that showed he cared about my safety. But he doesn't, The last words he said to me were "I don't give a f*** about your future".

You did something nice. IT'S OK.

tigger11

Dear man, you are not perfect. But you ARE a loving parent. You did what you thought was right at that moment. Regret won't do much for you.

My brother for YEARS was constantly begging my Mom for money. She gave and gave and gave. It kept him dependent on her. Then one day, with much trepidation and angst, she stopped. He is now, and has been for years, financially independent. It has done wonders for his self esteem. Although it's not PC to say this, it's in a man's nature to bring home the bacon. Being financially dependent on mommy didn't help him at all! Although he still struggles from time to time, at almost 50, he's doing great. He didn't die, or fall off the face of the earth. He's fine!

You will, and have learned from this, and will move forward from here. 'cause guess what? You're not perfect, but you're getting better all the time. Keep your chin up and keep moving ahead.

gerryP

I don't know the whole story either, but I think what you did was very Dad like. Some girls are lucky to have a Dad who notices that their tires are thread bear. My Dad noticed things that were not safe, be it my car or in my apt. In fact I think he was always looking to make sure because I didn't always think to notice.

Kittyboo

Gerry, that's true too! My first car died because I never changed the oil! Ooooops!!!

transformyself

Hi there
Without knowing a lick of your story, I can say if my daughter were driving around with bare tires I would do the same. It's not like you bailed her out of jail or called her in sick for work. It sounds like a compassionate, fatherly thing to do.

How old is your daughter? Is she an addict? What is your relationship like?

It's all about boundaries, I think.

If you can buy her new tires out of love and care for her there is nothing wrong with it. Some folks will tell you you're enabling her, she's capable of doing it herself. I personally think with our children it's a different story.

I have seen one womans story here that made me understand why she can't help her adult alcoholic son. He continues to drink and calls her asking her to come over and help him do things. That makes sense to me that a parent would have to say no.

But I don't have that relationship with my adult son and don't know if you do with your daughter.

I have a 24 year old son and have miraculously turned around our relationship over the years. Below is part of a previous post about him.

I wish you the best and hope you find clarity and peace
Transform

I am the voice of loving reason in his life, myself and his gf. He was raised mostly by myself (a very young damaged mother with no role models) and his father (a macho, misogynistic Italian tough guy) and our initial method of "helping" him when he was teen doing drugs and getting into trouble was the tough love approach.

I know many of you subscribe to this and I do not judge you for it, but it didn’t work for our family. He went to juvy, he felt utterly abandoned by parents who already weren't helping him. It created more problems than solutions and has taken years to undo the damage to all of us. My ex-husband, a drug alcohol treatment therapist, also regrets the way we handled him. After he went to juvy and things just escalated when he got out. It didn’t help. His father and I began working together for the first time in years to try to help him. Our compassion, acceptance and support created a loving relationship with him that I now feel can't be broken. Finally

I regret the tough love approach with him when he was a young teen and now have developed a relationship with him that I know is more healthy and helpful. I would never ever call the police on him now or betray him in any way and regret doing it then. He was totally acting out and i was at the end of my rope but now am able to love him, detached. It heals everything and I think is the basis for my ability to do it with AH now.

When I don't agree with my sons actions I tell him, kindly, and tell him I know he can do the right thing. And then I create a good boundary. I model the type of person I want him to be.

Since adopting this "tactic" with him, have been many situations over the years that were alarming and scary for me, but I practice acceptance and lovingkindness coupled with releasing attachment to outcome. It has been one of the hardest lessons in this lifetime for me, but truly one of hte most rewarding.

gerryP

HAHAHA Kitty,

I know that only because my Dad told me to get oil pronto (years ago) ....I believe he said or otherwise the car will blow, but then he said...what it means is that you'll be walking everywhere soon if you don't" HAHAHAH, memories.

dothi

Just my take on your story, also not knowing a lick about your relationship with your daughter. So feel free to take what you like and leave the rest if I'm way off base.

So she showed up and dished out blame. You tried to show her that NOW you are a caring parent and bought her something she needed, which is what a caring parent would do. It didn't work and I am suspecting this is where it "blew up" right? And now you're assigning blame where it's commonly assigned - to your knight in shining armour trait, which may or may not be true.

Did your daughter understand that this was a I'm-your-parent-NOW gift and not a I'm-a-bad-parent-making-up-for-the-past gift? Was it an I'm-your-parent-NOW gift? Or did you give the gift with expectations?

My sister and I have gone through similar motions with our parents, particularly with feeling like they're spending money to "make up for the past". Buying us stuff we don't want makes it worse because it feels like you're not listening to us. Buying stuff we need but didn't ask you to get is uncomfortable because we don't want accepting the gift to mean that everything in in the past is now okay. I can't help but wondering if it would have helped your daughter if you had clarified, "I simply bought these tires for you because I can see that you needed them. It doesn't have anything to do with how I've disappointed you in the past."

To me it sounds like your daughter still doesn't feel like she's been listened to. Have you made the effort to genuinely listen to her grievances? Have you given her the opportunity to see you accept responsibility for your mistakes?

If yes, has she taken responsibility in accepting that the past cannot be changed, and what you have is NOW to move forward?

At some point your daughter will need to be an adult and accept that you were human and you did the best with what you had. Like many people (check out the ACOA forum) this may take a while. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing - being a loving parent. Make sure your gifts aren't coming with strings attached so that your daughter can learn to trust you again. And do what you need to do so that next xmas you can assert yourself with confidence that although you made mistakes, throwing it in your face at xmas is not going to make up for it.

FWIW my mom (codependent of an alcoholic) (1) genuinely listened to my grievances over my childhood with her, (2) apologized and acknowledged her mistakes, (3) was patient with my forgiveness, and (4) made it clear that although she made mistakes, she is not going to sit back and be treated poorly. I can still approach her and we can have an adult conversation if something is still bothering me. But family is not a licence for abuse. This is something we both agree on (even if we struggle in practicing it) and that she has reinforced by making a clear boundary. The result has been on ongoing mother-daughter relationship rather than total estrangement that didn't happen overnight.

Hang in there, husbandofacoa. Your actions tell me that you're doing the loving parent thing which is still what your daughter needs. Getting her to a place where she can accept it may still take some work

BuffaloGal

Transform: I agree with you, tough love has its place... but there are also places where it does not belong. If my father were practicing tough love with me now, I'd be unable to take care of my child, be stuck in a low paying, dead end job, and I would be losing my house. Those things wouldn't force me to stand on my own feet; they would make financial independence impossible for me for many years to come. Instead, he's financing my retraining for a stable, high demand profession. It's straining our relationship for him to be paying my tuition and supporting me as an adult, but it's not the end of the world either. We cut each other slack for the tension, and we're going to get through it with our relationship intact (and that relationship has been repaired a good bit over the years as well: At age 37 he inherited a 9 year old girl whose mother had died unexpectedly. To say we were unprepared for each other is a gross understatement. And, even if he'd been a saint, he never could have replaced my mother).

And husband: if you don't expect anything back from your daughter in return for the tires, that's a gift, not rescuing. Instead of beating yourself up, imagine your reaction if you'd noticed her damaged tires, done nothing, and she'd been in an accident.

There were numerous occasions in my life when I was the beneficiary of similar kindnesses that I could not appreciate or be grateful for at the time. I was a seriously damaged and self absorbed young person then, but I am thankful for those gifts now.

Helenlee

Hi Husband,

I get you. I know why you're bummed out. And I'm glad you asked only for a response & not helpful suggestions or advice!
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic father & a superstar codie mother & I've almost always chosen alcoholic men as partners. I have a 21 year old son, a 19 year old son & a 16 year old daughter. They are my dearest love & greatest achievement, but, tragically, none of us escaped the consequences of this intergenerational disease. I battle daily with my own adult child & codependence issues & with the challenges of responsibly & consciously parenting adult (well adult sized anyway!) kids who have lots of "issues" resulting from what they learned growing up in what amounted to a lunatic asylum at times. It is incredibly difficult for me to feel confident enough to make & stick to boundaries with my kids. There are just so many issues involved in every interaction - my learned "weirdness", their learned "weirdness" & just the everyday challenges of parenting teens & young adults. When you throw in hormones on top of all this things can feel overwhelming.
I understand the bit about it being hard to deal with the though of your daughter driving around on dangerous tyres. I lost my first child very unexpectedly at birth, & safety stuff is a big stumbling block for me with boundary setting with my surviving children. That is - if it's about their physical safety I find it almost impossible to sit on my hands, even when I know it would be more functional to keep out of it. This is a tough one & I've never found a perfect answer.
All I can say is at least you're aware of the problems & are making the effort to have a healthy relationship with your kids. Modeling healthy behaviour is the best gift you can give them, even though it often feels horrible at the time. Allowing kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions is ultimately the kindest course of action.
Good Luck & Best Wishes with it all.