wifeofaddict2

Hi, I'm new here. I recently came to the realization that my husband is an alcoholic and I'm having a really difficult time grappling with it. I knew he liked to drink, but I didn't know or didn't want to believe it was this bad. He and I need help and I'm not sure how to suggest it to him. Me, I'm going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow night. when he finds out, perhaps that will trigger a very needed conversation about what he's going to do to help himself. I'm really scared that our marriage might be in danger. I love him, but his drinking disgusts me and I do not want a lifetime of that! Thanks for listening. I know so many of you out there are in the same boat and it's nice to know I'm not alone. Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.

husbandofacoa

You are not alone. One of the scariest things that I ever did, and one of the best, was walking into my first alanon meeting. It was there that I learned that I wasn't crazy. It was there that I learned that I was not the only person in the world dealing with this problem. It was there that I learned that, although my spouse's behavior was bad (so was mine) it was also common to this disease, predictable, and treatable.

Your husband may get worse for a time as you get better. Keep getting better anyway. He may accuse you of all manner of untrue things. Keep going to alanon anyway. Alcoholics are very manipulative and dishonest people. Don't let him bully you into stopping your own program. If you get better, the whole family may get better. Mine did. Be careful though, I said "may get better". This is not guaranteed. Your program is for you not for him. Get better in spite of what the rest of your family does.

Good luck and welcome!

tigger11

Hi Wifeofanaddict2 -

Husbandofacoa is quite wise. Al-Anon and this website/forum and for some counseling, are for YOU... to grow and heal and learn to live joyfully in spite of your husband's alcoholism.

A heads' up... going to Al-Anon may not trigger the kind of conversation you're looking for. When an alcoholic's drinking is threatened in any way, they often get upset. Don't be surprised if he's not positive about you going, although I hope for your sake that he is.

I too welcome you to this wonderful site! Keep coming back. It's a great place to be.

Hugs,
Tigger

Hopper1

Welcome wifeofaddict2! I am also new to the group as of today and am looking to go to an al-anon meeting tomarro night. Our situations are different...but yet we both seem to be on the same page

Stay strong and good luck!

barb dwyer

Welcome!

NEC4

Hey, just wanted to encourage you! I have no idea how your husband will react, but from personal experience it usually takes a crisis in the addicts life for them to get help (def. not someone asking, threatening, etc.).

I agree with the other responses about YOU getting help, and I'm sure that will benefit you greatly. My husband was obviously an alcohol from day 1, it only took a couple weeks of being married to realize that. It was seven years until he got clean, and I thought he was the last person on the face of the earth that would actually stop drinking. So, no matter what there is hope!

inovermyhead

I just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone. I've known about my husband's problem for about 5 years- for the past year we've been at the point where I really should/need/want to leave since he's grown increasingly aggressive.

I hope your husband realizes he needs some help, and is open to getting it. Mine will not even consider AA. I mean... refuses it.. completely. He realizes he has a problem, wants to quit, but maybe not enough to actually get help. It's like he thinks he'll just wake up one morning and the urge to drink won't be there anymore. Honestly, for a lot of years, I thought.. or at least hoped, that would be the case as well.
But no matter if he wants the help or not, you sound like me... in need of help ourselves. I know that personally, my nerves and sanity can't take much more. Aside from worrying about HIM all the time, I'm having to protect our children from witnessing too much of his behavior, and run interference when he gets aggressive (usually just a lot of yelling, stare-downs, though tonight he did actually push me before he flipped over our dining room table).

Anyway, I'm rambling and going on about me, when this thread is about you. I just wanted to let you know that yeah... you're so absolutely, completely, not alone.

Horselover

This could have been written by my husband. He was totally disgusted with me and my drinking. Can't blame him for I was too, but I couldn't stop at the time. I don't know what turns on in us that makes us finally evaluate that horrible cycle we put ourselves through and our loved ones. I didn't have a sterotypical downfall, but I was headed in that direction in all certainty.

I believe in God and I do know, with me people I am speaking only, that praying on my knees finally helped. I think he was always listening, but I wasn't receiving.

Nec4 said it best when she said, "There is always hope." Don't doubt that. In the meantime know that you can't change your husband's life because that has to come from within him. That being said you do what you need to take care of you first and foremost. Its not selfish. Its the way it must be. God bless.

bookwyrm

Welcome! I'm glad you found this site - it has helped me so much. Have a read of the 'sticky' posts - they're at the top of the forum. These are posts made by members over the years that have been kept because they have a lot of wisdom. It is amazing just how similar many of our stories are! I felt my own denial being stripped away as I read through these. Very profound.

Another recommendation I'd make is to get a copy of 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie. This book helped me so much. It gave me practical ways to help me live with my STBXAH (soon to be X alcoholic husband) and deal with the fallout from my increasing awareness of my own role in our marriage.

I hope you keep posting and reading - this site saved me, I hope it will help you too!

KeepPedaling

I second what Bookwyrm said. That book helped me so much too. It really helped me to understand the bigger picture and what was really going on in a less emotional and more intellectual way. It's helped me understand what the better choices are and how to recognize when I'm not helping myself, or the alcoholic. Good stuff.

wifeofaddict2

Thanks so much for all of the encouraging posts! This is a great site and I'm so glad I stumbled upon it.