Insulated

Why do I feel this way. I'm thinking back to all the gazillion red flags in this three year relationship with ABF. The hurt, the betrayal, the lies, the kicking me out, the money, the staying out all night, the infidelity. I'm mad at the addict for doing this to himself. He's dead. In our bed. I'm angry at myself for not helping him more. I'm mad at myself for not running in the opposite direction at the beginning. I really don't have one nice thing to say about the relationship today other than it was utter hell and chaos. Help!

cece1960

(((Insulated)))
Its hard to have to process all of the hurt addiction can cause.
Have you broken off the relationship? Are you staying elsewhere?

Insulated

Oh, I'm sorry. He overdosed on 11-29-09. I left that part out. I woke up next to him dead in our bed. People say that dead men can't talk, but their drug buddies sure can. Wow. The stories he told are amazingly fictitious.

cece1960

I'm so sorry Insulated.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to process all of the emotions.

Please continue to reach out here, with friends and perhaps meetings. This is not a good time to be alone.

We care.

frankly

((insulated))

I'm so very sorry hon. All of it seems to just be so senseless. It's not your fault. You did the best that you could. Try not to be hard on yourself. He made his choices, and nothing you could have said or done could have changed that.

Try to remember and hold onto the good person that he was deep inside, the one you fell in love with, hate the addiction, love the person.

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers

B

teke

i'm so sorry too. i also agree with the others, none of this is your fault. i'm sure you said and did all you knew how to do even though there was nothing you could do to make him want to stop.

i know this has to be hard for you, i'll keep you and your family and friends in my prayers.

rayofsunshine

Hi Insulated. Glad you found SR. Keep reading and posting. It will help you so much.

Unfortunately, you couldn't have saved him no matter if you'd done more. The addict has to WANT recovery and find it for themselves. Don't blame yourself. You sound like a loving and compassionate person, and addiction is a hard disease to figure out. We want to believe our loved ones and try to save them from themselves... but it just doesn't work that way.

His HP had a different plan for him. He's no longer struggling with the addiction. I hope you can find a little peace in that. Grieving can take up to 6 months or longer, so just know that you'll probably have bad days for a little while, but then you'll begin to have more good days than bad. Do things to help in your healing process... nurture yourself and take extra special care of you... YOU are worth it. Addiction takes a toll on us loved ones and we need healing too.

(((HUGS)))

greeteachday

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter to an overdose as well...She snorted tainted heroin...Just one short year of using and she was gone...She had just turned 20.

I had found a wonderful Naranon group a few months earlier and i have stayed with them. I find that they understand (just like those here do) more than anyone else ever could.

I hope you will continue to post and attend your meetings as you walk through this journey of grief. Thinking of you

Insulated

Thank you everyone for being so kind. It is incredibly hard to process all these feelings and regrets. It does get better over time. I've watched my own daughter, while pregnant, love her baby's father to an overdose. She has really turned her life around and is inspiring. It took over two years, but still she did it. I can too!

Kassie2

Sorry for your loss. I start to say that I cannot imagine it and then recall the nights my husband would run out to drink and then drive. I always expected a phone call saying he was dead or seriously injured or had killed someone else. Well one day the call came from the hosptial SW, only it wasn't a car accident - he fell down a flight of stairs and was unconscious in the hallway of his apt.
He got sober after that night. Lucky for him.

I think we assume that we can have some affect over our loved one - but the substances have greater control. Remember, no one asks to grow up and be an addict, and no one grows up saying they want to be in a relationship with one. We don't get to control others any more than we can control the weather (or our cars LOL) We can take care of ourselves, we can do good for others, and take the next step one day at a time.

outtolunch

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

Who gives a flying fig about what his buddies have to say? This sort of crap attaches to your own sense of guilt because you thought you had some control over what another human puts into his body.

Let go of the guilt and the buddy talk will become noise. It's not your fault. You cannot love someone out of addiction. You did not cause his addiction. You cannot control or cure someone else's addiction. It's not your fault.

JustAYak

((Insulated))

I found my father lying dead on our couch from a heroin overdose last february. It's difficult, but it'll open your eyes to a lot of things you might never have thought about before.