Feeling alone....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
Feeling alone....
I am not sure where to start.? I am new to this website and this is my first post.....
Its been a rough year for my family! My brother has been drinking and causing alot of problems within our family. When he gets drunk he calls up my father and tells him he was a terrible dad and says everything under the sun to hurt him. Then he would call me and say all kinds of nasty things to me. He even called my husbands work~he's a police officer~ and said he was a drug dealer. My brother hates police...I knew when all this was going on he was drinking. I tried to tell my father not to listen to what he said, it was the alcohol speaking. This all happened within the last year.....I must mention the economy has been working against him. He is an architect and has not had any work. The family has been paying his bills and his morgage. These are the excuses I am making for him while he drinks his problems away.
About a month ago my brother started to open up to my father asking for help to get better. My father was an alcoholic when we were younger but has been sober for about 20yrs. My brother wanted to know how he did it without any help? He is now reaching out to me as well....I feel so relieved...he realizes he has a problem.
On Dec. 6th...my brother called the police to take him to detox. He told my father he felt like he was dying. They came and got him...and treated him like a criminal. They handcuffed him and put him in a homeless shelter to detox....I was told they have a detox there. He was very combative the whole time...and he wondered why he was being treated the way he was. They couldn't handle him and his withdrawl so they took him to the hospital. The last he knew he was going into the phsyc ward as soon as a bed opened. In the mean time..we have no idea where he is or whats going on. I did find him four days later..in the ICU. This is where our his nightmare begins.....
He has been very sedated and has no idea where he is when he wakes up...he thinks he's in the nut ward. I get to briefly talk to him but I can't figure out what he's saying..other then get me out of here. That is the last time I spoke with him...approx. dec. 10th. I speak with the nurses and dr.s daily for updates. So far...they have had him in almost an induced coma to get him thru the DT's. Every few days they try to wake him up but he is combative and confused. They had to insert a ventilator so he could breathe because of all the sedation, he would stopbreathing on his own. After a few days he would start breathing on his own and they would cut back his meds...he would get combative..and they put him under again...and the tube goes back in again. This was ongoing for almost two weeks. In this period he has also had phneomia and a urine infection giving him very high fevers and aggitation. Same symtoms as withdrawl...so they are not sure what they are treating him for at this point. Fortunately it is the same meds they give for ICU phsycosis..this is now there diagnosis. As of Christmas eve...they inserted a trachiotomy because they think he is getting anxious when he wakes and has the tube down his throat and one in his nose to feed him. I was really hoping that without this equiptment on his face he would calm down..he hasn't. Christmas eve he almost punched the nurse and had a really rough night. He has been sedated since...I still can't talk to him almost 19 days later. The dr. told me yesterday they are treating him for ICU delerium? I feel like its a guessing game...but who am I? I researched ICU delerioum and I don't think I should have? it has made my mind even worse then it already is. I am beating myself up for not being by my brothers side..but the dr. has told me its not a good time. He wouldn't know i was there and you can only stay in the room 10min at a time. They are always working on him. I beat myself up daily to the point I think i am now depressed. I want to be with him to calm him down but I don't think I could handle seeing him in this state without losing it?
Has anyone ever heard of someone going thru this because of alcohol withdrawl? I feel they just keep sedating him because they can't handle him???
Soory for rambling on..but I really do need someone to talk to who understands.
Jodie
Its been a rough year for my family! My brother has been drinking and causing alot of problems within our family. When he gets drunk he calls up my father and tells him he was a terrible dad and says everything under the sun to hurt him. Then he would call me and say all kinds of nasty things to me. He even called my husbands work~he's a police officer~ and said he was a drug dealer. My brother hates police...I knew when all this was going on he was drinking. I tried to tell my father not to listen to what he said, it was the alcohol speaking. This all happened within the last year.....I must mention the economy has been working against him. He is an architect and has not had any work. The family has been paying his bills and his morgage. These are the excuses I am making for him while he drinks his problems away.
About a month ago my brother started to open up to my father asking for help to get better. My father was an alcoholic when we were younger but has been sober for about 20yrs. My brother wanted to know how he did it without any help? He is now reaching out to me as well....I feel so relieved...he realizes he has a problem.
On Dec. 6th...my brother called the police to take him to detox. He told my father he felt like he was dying. They came and got him...and treated him like a criminal. They handcuffed him and put him in a homeless shelter to detox....I was told they have a detox there. He was very combative the whole time...and he wondered why he was being treated the way he was. They couldn't handle him and his withdrawl so they took him to the hospital. The last he knew he was going into the phsyc ward as soon as a bed opened. In the mean time..we have no idea where he is or whats going on. I did find him four days later..in the ICU. This is where our his nightmare begins.....
He has been very sedated and has no idea where he is when he wakes up...he thinks he's in the nut ward. I get to briefly talk to him but I can't figure out what he's saying..other then get me out of here. That is the last time I spoke with him...approx. dec. 10th. I speak with the nurses and dr.s daily for updates. So far...they have had him in almost an induced coma to get him thru the DT's. Every few days they try to wake him up but he is combative and confused. They had to insert a ventilator so he could breathe because of all the sedation, he would stopbreathing on his own. After a few days he would start breathing on his own and they would cut back his meds...he would get combative..and they put him under again...and the tube goes back in again. This was ongoing for almost two weeks. In this period he has also had phneomia and a urine infection giving him very high fevers and aggitation. Same symtoms as withdrawl...so they are not sure what they are treating him for at this point. Fortunately it is the same meds they give for ICU phsycosis..this is now there diagnosis. As of Christmas eve...they inserted a trachiotomy because they think he is getting anxious when he wakes and has the tube down his throat and one in his nose to feed him. I was really hoping that without this equiptment on his face he would calm down..he hasn't. Christmas eve he almost punched the nurse and had a really rough night. He has been sedated since...I still can't talk to him almost 19 days later. The dr. told me yesterday they are treating him for ICU delerium? I feel like its a guessing game...but who am I? I researched ICU delerioum and I don't think I should have? it has made my mind even worse then it already is. I am beating myself up for not being by my brothers side..but the dr. has told me its not a good time. He wouldn't know i was there and you can only stay in the room 10min at a time. They are always working on him. I beat myself up daily to the point I think i am now depressed. I want to be with him to calm him down but I don't think I could handle seeing him in this state without losing it?
Has anyone ever heard of someone going thru this because of alcohol withdrawl? I feel they just keep sedating him because they can't handle him???
Soory for rambling on..but I really do need someone to talk to who understands.
Jodie
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi Jodie.
Welcome to SR.
And - as long as you can get to a computer - You are not alone.
First and before everything - you are not responsible for this.
Okay?
You did not make your brother drink
you did not make him an alcoholic
and you did not make him sick.
Your 'being there'
sounds to me as if you'd 'be there' -
but you'd be bloody and black-eyed.
There are alcoholics who become completely violent and psychotic.
I've had to call the law to get 'em outa my bar.
I don't have any hospital experience
and am not a healthcare worker
but that's quite a story
and a nightmare of a way
to spend one's Christmas.
I hope you'll stay around here at SR
it's a wonderful community of people
committed to recovery
or just testing it out
but we try to help one another.
As best we know how.
Welcome!
Welcome to SR.
And - as long as you can get to a computer - You are not alone.
First and before everything - you are not responsible for this.
Okay?
You did not make your brother drink
you did not make him an alcoholic
and you did not make him sick.
Your 'being there'
sounds to me as if you'd 'be there' -
but you'd be bloody and black-eyed.
There are alcoholics who become completely violent and psychotic.
I've had to call the law to get 'em outa my bar.
I don't have any hospital experience
and am not a healthcare worker
but that's quite a story
and a nightmare of a way
to spend one's Christmas.
I hope you'll stay around here at SR
it's a wonderful community of people
committed to recovery
or just testing it out
but we try to help one another.
As best we know how.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
You're not alone Hopper, and I really do understand what you're going through.
My brother wasn't sedated as you describe yours is, but pretty much everything else is very similar.
He was hospitalised, halucinated, wasn't much violent in the hospital but caused a few scenes and definately let them know he was there.
I can't give you any advice, I went to visit him twice, once for each occasion he was in hospital and I honsetly don't think I would have done that if I hadn't taken his son to see him (I checked with the ward to make sure he was 'stable' on both occasions) by that time I'd managed to detach to a certain extent, click my name and read my story if you like, I couldn't detach fully as I was looking after his son at the time.
I'm probably not the best person to respond to your post, but I really do understand what your going through right now, the fear, the anger, the uncertainty all the confusion.
Your brother is in hospital, he's in the hands of professionals, he's in the best place for now and possibly has a chance to make better choices in the future.
Before you do read my story (if you do) my brother made poor decisions and they cost him his life, but they were his choices and no one could have changed them except him.
you and your family are in my thoughts and I pray he makes the right choice for himself.
My brother wasn't sedated as you describe yours is, but pretty much everything else is very similar.
He was hospitalised, halucinated, wasn't much violent in the hospital but caused a few scenes and definately let them know he was there.
I can't give you any advice, I went to visit him twice, once for each occasion he was in hospital and I honsetly don't think I would have done that if I hadn't taken his son to see him (I checked with the ward to make sure he was 'stable' on both occasions) by that time I'd managed to detach to a certain extent, click my name and read my story if you like, I couldn't detach fully as I was looking after his son at the time.
I'm probably not the best person to respond to your post, but I really do understand what your going through right now, the fear, the anger, the uncertainty all the confusion.
Your brother is in hospital, he's in the hands of professionals, he's in the best place for now and possibly has a chance to make better choices in the future.
Before you do read my story (if you do) my brother made poor decisions and they cost him his life, but they were his choices and no one could have changed them except him.
you and your family are in my thoughts and I pray he makes the right choice for himself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
Been there
I have had two occasions where my AH was in DT's and in a sedated coma once for almost 2 weeks with a 3rd week in psych ward....the second time for only a week. I was sure he would die both times and sat beside him almost 24/7 both times. He went right back to drinking within a few weeks of both occasions and has been to rehab at least 5 times since. He has been in hospital for suicide attempts at least 3 times during that period. Although he is "not as bad" as he was, he is still beligerent and abusive, still unable to hold a job. Still an obstinate teenager in an adult body.
It is like a bad dream...I know you will be fine but it sounds like you have a better sense of detachment than I did at that time. Please know we are here for you to listen and perhaps share some thoughts to help. It won't be easy since he is a blood relative and not a spouse or boyfriend you can easily walk away from. Our hearts reach out to you.
Blessings and strength...D
It is like a bad dream...I know you will be fine but it sounds like you have a better sense of detachment than I did at that time. Please know we are here for you to listen and perhaps share some thoughts to help. It won't be easy since he is a blood relative and not a spouse or boyfriend you can easily walk away from. Our hearts reach out to you.
Blessings and strength...D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I am so sorry that you are going through this situation, especially at Christmas.
I know that you brother is suffering but this is what comes with this disease. As others have stated, he is in the best place that he can be.
This is hard but this may be what he needs to bring him to his bottom so that he can experience recovery.
You and your brother are in my prayers.
I know that you brother is suffering but this is what comes with this disease. As others have stated, he is in the best place that he can be.
This is hard but this may be what he needs to bring him to his bottom so that he can experience recovery.
You and your brother are in my prayers.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome, Hopper1! I'm so glad you came to SR for some help & reassurance. I'm sure you wanted to run to your brother's side, but I agree, this wouldn't be the right time for that. The important thing is, he knows you love him and are supporting him. He knows you'll be there when he gets out to encourage him.
He's lucky to have a sister like you & I'm sure he knows that. I hope you'll get some comfort from being here with us. Prayers going up for you and your brother.
He's lucky to have a sister like you & I'm sure he knows that. I hope you'll get some comfort from being here with us. Prayers going up for you and your brother.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi Hopper!
I hope you'll do some reading as well - the stickies at the top of the forum,
maybe check out som elinks of theirs.
I knew a man in early recovery
who'd had a WAY high paying job
but every time he drank
he destroyed the house.
That particular runner ended
when he hit his 80-something father
with the leg from his 'much-o expensiv-o' dining room table.
From the way it sounds
your brother wouldn't know if you were there or not.
My suggestion
is to use this time
to educate yourself.
And get your head not only around the situation
but get your head SET in the healthy direction
it's going to need to be set in
for you to get through this situation.
I hope you'll do some reading as well - the stickies at the top of the forum,
maybe check out som elinks of theirs.
I knew a man in early recovery
who'd had a WAY high paying job
but every time he drank
he destroyed the house.
That particular runner ended
when he hit his 80-something father
with the leg from his 'much-o expensiv-o' dining room table.
From the way it sounds
your brother wouldn't know if you were there or not.
My suggestion
is to use this time
to educate yourself.
And get your head not only around the situation
but get your head SET in the healthy direction
it's going to need to be set in
for you to get through this situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
God bless you Hopper. You are a good and caring soul. Don't turn the tables and take this on yourself as I probably would have done. You need to be good to yourself and stay as strong as possible. I am so sorry you are experiencing this because no one asks for it.
I am an alcoholic and I put my husband through Hell. I don't know how to explain the fact that your brother is caught up in a vicious fight right now and he is the only one that can be in it. He has to come to the conclusion that life is worth living and that he does have a problem. It took me some time, but I did and there are many others around here that have, BUT they did it because they found that desperate way of life was not living.
I will pray for him to become well and I will certainly pray for you. Wish I could do more for you. You are in a horrible spot, but if you believe in a God or any higher power I would suggest laying this in his lap if you can. Hugs and prayers - Sarah
I am an alcoholic and I put my husband through Hell. I don't know how to explain the fact that your brother is caught up in a vicious fight right now and he is the only one that can be in it. He has to come to the conclusion that life is worth living and that he does have a problem. It took me some time, but I did and there are many others around here that have, BUT they did it because they found that desperate way of life was not living.
I will pray for him to become well and I will certainly pray for you. Wish I could do more for you. You are in a horrible spot, but if you believe in a God or any higher power I would suggest laying this in his lap if you can. Hugs and prayers - Sarah
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi again Hopper.
Just a couple of thoughts. I know with me, no one could have saved me from myself when I was drinking. Even if someone had said exactly the right words, they'd have fallen on deaf ears. I always thought I'd control it "some day", but it had to become a crisis before I did.
When I was drinking, it never occurred to me what I was doing to myself and others - I was in a fog and semi-conscious alot of the time. I never realized the people I was hurting & confusing. So don't think that he's been ignoring your advice - he probably just wasn't ready to hear it. Maybe after this frightening episode in his life he will be ready.
I hope you are feeling a little better. My thoughts are with you.
Just a couple of thoughts. I know with me, no one could have saved me from myself when I was drinking. Even if someone had said exactly the right words, they'd have fallen on deaf ears. I always thought I'd control it "some day", but it had to become a crisis before I did.
When I was drinking, it never occurred to me what I was doing to myself and others - I was in a fog and semi-conscious alot of the time. I never realized the people I was hurting & confusing. So don't think that he's been ignoring your advice - he probably just wasn't ready to hear it. Maybe after this frightening episode in his life he will be ready.
I hope you are feeling a little better. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
I do know that my brother has to be ready to quit on his own. I do know that he asked for help when he called the police.I pray this is his cry for help and he realizes he has a serious problem. Everyone has been to affraid to give advice...its like walking on constant eggshells with him.I know that sounds terrible that none of the family gave advice...but we feared we would lose touch if we nagged at him.I'm still not sure what to say to him when he gets out? Anyone have any suggestions? I hate to be the reason he drinks again...or thats the excuse he uses...that everyone is working on his nerves.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Hopper,
and welcome to lesson #1.
g*
You never have been,
and you never WILL be
the reason he drinks again.
We drink - because we're alcoholics.
I know.
I am one.
Not because something happens.
Or something doesn't happen.
Or somebody said/did/forgot/anything.
Maybe just wait till that happens.
Let him be the first to talk or something.
Maybe he'll have something
he really wants to say first, anyhow.
Glad to see you coming back.
and welcome to lesson #1.
g*
You never have been,
and you never WILL be
the reason he drinks again.
We drink - because we're alcoholics.
I know.
I am one.
Not because something happens.
Or something doesn't happen.
Or somebody said/did/forgot/anything.
Maybe just wait till that happens.
Let him be the first to talk or something.
Maybe he'll have something
he really wants to say first, anyhow.
Glad to see you coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
Barb, Your message was not taken as harsh in any way at all. I just might wait until he mentions something first....like I said,not sure how to handle him when he gets out of the hosp.?
Thank you again for reasuring me that his drinking has nothing to do with me or my actions!
Thank you again for reasuring me that his drinking has nothing to do with me or my actions!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, hopper1. i am the mom of an alcoholic/addict, so i understand what you're going through. i go to alanon and we talk about the 3 c's -
you didn't cause the addiction.
you can't cure the addiction.
you cannot control the addiction.
we also talk about a 4th c - it's about CHOICES we have as to how we allow the addiction of our loved ones of alcoholics/addicts effect our lives.
hang in there. and be grateful that your brother is getting some help.
hugs, k
you didn't cause the addiction.
you can't cure the addiction.
you cannot control the addiction.
we also talk about a 4th c - it's about CHOICES we have as to how we allow the addiction of our loved ones of alcoholics/addicts effect our lives.
hang in there. and be grateful that your brother is getting some help.
hugs, k
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Hopper1, welcome to the site, you will find it as a great resource to help you deal with the situation with your brother. All of us that post on here can empathize, for we are all here for the same reason. I’ve been through what you are going through with my sister, three times this year we’ve had to call 911 and she ended up in ICU. Based on what your brother is going through, there could be a number of reasons for the extent of the procedures and stay your brother is having in ICU. What is all boils down to is his drinking is affecting his health in a serious way and based on what choices he makes when he is better, there are one of two direction he can go, just be prepared for that. You can always love your brother, but you will need to learn how to take care of yourself first.
I know this is not easy for you or your family. Be there for your parents, be there for your brother, but will need to take care of yourself first. Trust me; this is something YOU HAVE TO DO. I really can relate to your situation, but you’ll need support to deal with this and it will still be a difficult journey, just as difficult as the one your brother is going through.
You, your family, and your brother are in my prayers.
I know this is not easy for you or your family. Be there for your parents, be there for your brother, but will need to take care of yourself first. Trust me; this is something YOU HAVE TO DO. I really can relate to your situation, but you’ll need support to deal with this and it will still be a difficult journey, just as difficult as the one your brother is going through.
You, your family, and your brother are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
Thank You for your imput Dreamstones! I'm sorry that you are having to go thru a similar situation with your sister!
Our family is a very close knite one, and we are all being affected by his drinking. It upsets me most to see my grandmother blaming herself for not seeing signs earlier...thinking she could prevent his situation today. We are all sticking together thru this mess. I hope you have the same support from your family that I have. Not that everyone understands whats going on in my brothers head...but we will do whatever it is to make him better. He has went thru the chain of family and convinced everyone of us that we are horrible people...this is something he would do when he got drunk. He told my father he was horrible for not being there for us as kids, that he was only a factory worker, and he's obssesed with his hobby that know one cares about. He has told me that I am a hypocrit for being with a cop, called my husbands job and told his chief that he was a drug dealer. Just to name a few things that he has done, that has made us think we are bad people. My dad is now convinced he was a bad father...but I know I am a good person. I was a party girl all my younger life and cleaned my act up. Now I'm with a good guy who just so happens to be a cop.To be honest with you, I think we could all use some therapy.
Being the party girl that I once was, I have known many friends and even one family member that has OD on relapsing from drugs. Most of them were clean for a few years, got that urge just one last time, and died as a result. I am not expecting my brother not to relapse, even tho that would be wonderful if he didn't, its a rough road ahead I'm sure. I will stay possitive and support him and be the best sister I can.
Our family is a very close knite one, and we are all being affected by his drinking. It upsets me most to see my grandmother blaming herself for not seeing signs earlier...thinking she could prevent his situation today. We are all sticking together thru this mess. I hope you have the same support from your family that I have. Not that everyone understands whats going on in my brothers head...but we will do whatever it is to make him better. He has went thru the chain of family and convinced everyone of us that we are horrible people...this is something he would do when he got drunk. He told my father he was horrible for not being there for us as kids, that he was only a factory worker, and he's obssesed with his hobby that know one cares about. He has told me that I am a hypocrit for being with a cop, called my husbands job and told his chief that he was a drug dealer. Just to name a few things that he has done, that has made us think we are bad people. My dad is now convinced he was a bad father...but I know I am a good person. I was a party girl all my younger life and cleaned my act up. Now I'm with a good guy who just so happens to be a cop.To be honest with you, I think we could all use some therapy.
Being the party girl that I once was, I have known many friends and even one family member that has OD on relapsing from drugs. Most of them were clean for a few years, got that urge just one last time, and died as a result. I am not expecting my brother not to relapse, even tho that would be wonderful if he didn't, its a rough road ahead I'm sure. I will stay possitive and support him and be the best sister I can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hi Hopper - Welcome to SR! I am so glad you are here, and I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been sober for 2+ years, but one of my brothers is an alcoholic who has been through what you have described many times. My husband is also a police officer, and that is an added strain, not only because of the natural stress we wives face, but because my brother also hates the police (THEIR fault that he gets arrested for drunk in public, DUI, etc - nothing is ever his fault!), and it makes our family even crazier, if we let it.
I know you are scared for your brother, and the shock of seeing someone going through what you and your brother and your entire family is suffering, esp. at the holidays, is an incredible strain.
I just want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers, and I soooo get what you are saying. Please keep in touch here and pm me if you want to. I have to run now, but I'll check back in with you soon. Stay strong, ok? Like Barb said, you are not alone. Please add me to your new list of supporters here at SR, ok, sister?
Wishing you some peace in spite of it all, Jomey
I know you are scared for your brother, and the shock of seeing someone going through what you and your brother and your entire family is suffering, esp. at the holidays, is an incredible strain.
I just want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers, and I soooo get what you are saying. Please keep in touch here and pm me if you want to. I have to run now, but I'll check back in with you soon. Stay strong, ok? Like Barb said, you are not alone. Please add me to your new list of supporters here at SR, ok, sister?
Wishing you some peace in spite of it all, Jomey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
Hello Jomey! Thank you for your warm welcome! I am reading what you're writting and it sounds like me talking...amazing! I will pm you when I get more time to talk. I'm not expecting a miracle, but it sure would be a blessing if this scared him sober. It sure has taken a toll on the family! Today is day 22 of my AB being in ICU in critical condition 
Has your brother ever been in this long?
I will definitely add you to my friends list!
Wishing you peace as well! And a huge congrats to you on your sobriety!
Has your brother ever been in this long? I will definitely add you to my friends list!
Wishing you peace as well! And a huge congrats to you on your sobriety!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
