Insanity!! Would a normal person respond like this???
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Insanity!! Would a normal person respond like this???
THIS was an email I sent to my AH, seeing as how we can not seem to talk in person, and I for some reason am trying to sort things out:
How about we try something new....since we can't talk in person w/out arguing......
What about here. For example here is what I know about us...then you can respond w/ your own thoughts.... etc.
Who knows, maybe it will help!
First of all one of the things I have been doing alot of is reading about is setting boundaries in marriage....what things are acceptable and what are not. This can be individual, for each person, but agreed to. Basically I came up with 2 that are "deal breakers" for me.
Due to the past....drinking alcohol at all is a deal breaker. Alcohol is simply just a beverage - that should not be the center of a dispute in a marriage. If it is truly not a problem for you, then asking you not to drink should be something that is not a big deal to you. It upsets me a lot that I know you drank on Christmas eve...knowing this is one of hte largest issues for us.
And secondly, the degrading comments and namecalling are also a deal breaker. Withou even knowing, or at least pretending not to, you put me down all morning - about money for Xmas, the way you said good morning etc. Whether you did or did not know...this has become how you treat me. That and the name calling (mad or not) I can not do...it destroys me as a person. I will NEVER be called all those names you come up with again. It is wrong and hurtful.
That said, I am sure you have things that you would like to see change. Here is your opportunity to respond to my thoughts and share what changes you would like to see. I realize this is NOT the ideal way to express ourselves, but maybe we can make progress through here. We are on very different pages right now.....
I do love you.......we need to figure our how to work together and find peace together.......and I am willing to accept whatever that is.
AND...HERE IS HIS RESPONSE........
F*** YOU I AM DONE......PI$$ OFF. YOU ARE A USER AND A MANIPULATOR TO GET WHAT YOU WANT I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU OR YOUR KIND IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How about we try something new....since we can't talk in person w/out arguing......
What about here. For example here is what I know about us...then you can respond w/ your own thoughts.... etc.
Who knows, maybe it will help!
First of all one of the things I have been doing alot of is reading about is setting boundaries in marriage....what things are acceptable and what are not. This can be individual, for each person, but agreed to. Basically I came up with 2 that are "deal breakers" for me.
Due to the past....drinking alcohol at all is a deal breaker. Alcohol is simply just a beverage - that should not be the center of a dispute in a marriage. If it is truly not a problem for you, then asking you not to drink should be something that is not a big deal to you. It upsets me a lot that I know you drank on Christmas eve...knowing this is one of hte largest issues for us.
And secondly, the degrading comments and namecalling are also a deal breaker. Withou even knowing, or at least pretending not to, you put me down all morning - about money for Xmas, the way you said good morning etc. Whether you did or did not know...this has become how you treat me. That and the name calling (mad or not) I can not do...it destroys me as a person. I will NEVER be called all those names you come up with again. It is wrong and hurtful.
That said, I am sure you have things that you would like to see change. Here is your opportunity to respond to my thoughts and share what changes you would like to see. I realize this is NOT the ideal way to express ourselves, but maybe we can make progress through here. We are on very different pages right now.....
I do love you.......we need to figure our how to work together and find peace together.......and I am willing to accept whatever that is.
AND...HERE IS HIS RESPONSE........
F*** YOU I AM DONE......PI$$ OFF. YOU ARE A USER AND A MANIPULATOR TO GET WHAT YOU WANT I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU OR YOUR KIND IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Hummmmmmm.....we were married to the same guy. I thought you did a good job. It was kind and to the point. But if 51% of him wants to drink.....he will. They are just selfish King Babies. My integrity got me out. It wasn't a partnership anymore. It was like being pecked to death with the hurtful comments. Mine crossed more boundaries than those two......drugs....staying out late, drinking and driving,controlling the money,growing pot in the house, secretly filming us being intimate, just totally immature crazy stuff. I miss his potential......but not who he really was. I think you were being very fair.
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I think the key word in "his potential"....that is it. He is a youth minister...he is great with other people....he could be an amazing person.........always I look at potential and fail to see what is in front of me!
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Sadly...I am not sure his reply really "hurt me"....is more works as a confirmation of what I must do....sad, but I'm not sure what I really expected from him anyway.....I am always surprised though that he can say the things he does and believe they are ok.....he is probablly drinking, because those are his two favorite sayings when he drinks.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Well...he told you what he thinks Mexh....
Are you going to accept his thoughts and move on? Truly leave it all behind and look forward to a new life for yourself and children in 2010....
I'm sorry for you, but what is there to hold on to? I don't see anything worth holding on to, or for.
Are you going to accept his thoughts and move on? Truly leave it all behind and look forward to a new life for yourself and children in 2010....
I'm sorry for you, but what is there to hold on to? I don't see anything worth holding on to, or for.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
So it appears you told him that if he continues drinking and demeaning you those will be deal breakers. From his response it seems having to stop doing both is a deal breaker for him.
It sounds as if you are not compatible afterall.
You did say that you were willing to accept whatever his answer was, and you will find a way to do that in your heart soon enough.
Best wishes
Alice
It sounds as if you are not compatible afterall.
You did say that you were willing to accept whatever his answer was, and you will find a way to do that in your heart soon enough.
Best wishes
Alice
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
My husband is your husbands CLONE!
M-his response was written by his clone...my husband. F--- You and
F------ B--ch were his too favorite phrases...and always directed at me. Your thread was titled "Would a normal person respond like this?"
M-you know the answer...it's staring at you in the face.
Since he can no longer talk to me like that in person...I now have the greatest of pleasures when he calls me up and talks to me like that...I simply hang up in his face. He goes nuts. He calls the house line, then the cell phone, and then starts texting. At some point I shut them all off and go back to doing what I was doing before I was interrupted! You have no idea how good that feels after taking it for so freaking long.
I saw a tag on this site and I don't remember who posted it. It said...
LET GO OR BE DRAGGED
That pretty much sums it up...don't you think?
F------ B--ch were his too favorite phrases...and always directed at me. Your thread was titled "Would a normal person respond like this?"
M-you know the answer...it's staring at you in the face.
Since he can no longer talk to me like that in person...I now have the greatest of pleasures when he calls me up and talks to me like that...I simply hang up in his face. He goes nuts. He calls the house line, then the cell phone, and then starts texting. At some point I shut them all off and go back to doing what I was doing before I was interrupted! You have no idea how good that feels after taking it for so freaking long.
I saw a tag on this site and I don't remember who posted it. It said...
LET GO OR BE DRAGGED
That pretty much sums it up...don't you think?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
F*** YOU I AM DONE......PI$$ OFF. YOU ARE A USER AND A MANIPULATOR TO GET WHAT YOU WANT I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU OR YOUR KIND IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
of course, we know he doesn't really mean it. the last thing he wants is to loose his enabler. he's just saying that to get you back in line.
had enough yet?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Well, at least sometimes active alcoholics can be funny, if only unintentionally.
If you were my wife, and I were still drinking, your email wouldn't have been effective (although I hope I would have been more civil). An ultimatum might have worked (stay and don't drink, or leave and do what you want, this is not up for discussion).
Ultimatums aren't nice, but when I was drinking I would never have a proper conversation about my drinking, or even tell my wife when I was drinking. Because then I would have to stop drinking, and I had no idea how to do that.
If you were my wife, and I were still drinking, your email wouldn't have been effective (although I hope I would have been more civil). An ultimatum might have worked (stay and don't drink, or leave and do what you want, this is not up for discussion).
Ultimatums aren't nice, but when I was drinking I would never have a proper conversation about my drinking, or even tell my wife when I was drinking. Because then I would have to stop drinking, and I had no idea how to do that.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Hey I was thinking about you, about this thread and about the possibility that you may feel "ganged up" on.
That happens to me sometimes. I have to work hard to not lash out at others when it does but I noticed you haven't been responding to the posts here, thought you might just be withdrawing.
This place is amazing and life saving, yet due to the nature of the internet, and written word, some things may come off has harsh or uncaring, especially when we're in a state of desperation and pain. I think I may have at least, and hope not.
I can relate so much to working harder than the A to: communicate, fix the marriage, make things better, get my feelings across and try to get my AH to give a crap about my feelings. You said,
It took years for me to have enough. Folks were frustrated with me IRL. Didn't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't sort it out! I kept trying and communicating and being baffled by his rage and insanity. It was exhausting.
It wasn't until I left him physically and got some distance and stopped trying to communicate with him that I was able to sort it out.
The good people here aren't uncaring and we do understand. We are trying to help, yet also know that, just like the A wont' stop drinking until (or if) they've had enough and reach their bottom, just like we didn't sort out how to let go and detach until we were ready... neither will you.
I hope you come back and post, let us know how you're doing and feeling.
That happens to me sometimes. I have to work hard to not lash out at others when it does but I noticed you haven't been responding to the posts here, thought you might just be withdrawing.
This place is amazing and life saving, yet due to the nature of the internet, and written word, some things may come off has harsh or uncaring, especially when we're in a state of desperation and pain. I think I may have at least, and hope not.
I can relate so much to working harder than the A to: communicate, fix the marriage, make things better, get my feelings across and try to get my AH to give a crap about my feelings. You said,
for some reason am trying to sort things out:
It wasn't until I left him physically and got some distance and stopped trying to communicate with him that I was able to sort it out.
The good people here aren't uncaring and we do understand. We are trying to help, yet also know that, just like the A wont' stop drinking until (or if) they've had enough and reach their bottom, just like we didn't sort out how to let go and detach until we were ready... neither will you.
I hope you come back and post, let us know how you're doing and feeling.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
My exah would say something like that...to me its code for "I don't want to change. I like myself the way I am. This is all your fault so I am going to get angry with you to fill you with panic and you will back off and do what I want you to do!"
I never understood the anger and blameshifting.
I never understood the anger and blameshifting.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Transform - not feeling ganged up on at all....if fact this site is about the only place I can "put my head on straight"! I appreciate everyones thoughts here.....it helps me think. Anyway, I haven't really talked ot him since yesterday, he of course send me a second email later...which was a "little" nicer....simply telling me I was malicious and vengeful and hateful....and about how much I hate men etc. etc. Also, that this is a pattern in my relationships....well he was right about that one...my "man picker" broke a long time ago...so yep...I suppose it does seem to be a bit of pattern (one which I intend to break). Anyway, I've had enough, really, it is just difficult because I have 4 wonderful sons from my first marriage who are 14,12,10,9 and then we have a daughter together and I am pregnant (a wonderful God given gift, but quite a surpise)....so I am very nervous about the financial side of it all. I do have a good job....and can take care of us.....just will be a bit tighter than normal!!! I know I deserve respect and the very least...and I can't imagine my children becoming the type of person he is or my daughter being treated teh way that I have been....I would never forgive myself for that!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I once read that only people that are hurting inside hurt others, or something to that effect. That repsonse he sent must have stung. I rememebr back when I was with my ex my therapist said something that sirt of stuck with me. He simply said "you keep expecting her to act like a normal person would and with her history and issues she is not normal. She is not going to act in a way that you and I expect or consider normal". As my ex told me her thearapist told her, she has a lot of "survival stratagies" that she developed from being in a very dysfunctional environment as she grew up.
FWIW - I finally got out of that relationship and am now with an amazing woman. I can;t tell you how nice it is to just let things be and be with someone who acts and thinks like I do. It is a simple pleasure compared to what I had before.
a hug from me.
FWIW - I finally got out of that relationship and am now with an amazing woman. I can;t tell you how nice it is to just let things be and be with someone who acts and thinks like I do. It is a simple pleasure compared to what I had before.
a hug from me.
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Posts: 347
I know you are right - the thing that drives me crazy is that today he came by my house and said....oh that was just a joke...freaky hilarious right??? I don't get it anymore - I guess I never did. Here's to hoping one day that I will find something more....THANKS!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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There really is no "getting" the convoluted insanity of alcoholism. I struggle with the question myself. I have come to conclude that there is within the alcoholic a sort of possession by an evil spirit which causes them to treat others poorly...it is so very sad for them and for those of us who deal with the behavior - I never wanted to believe AH is bad, and HE isn't but his alcoholic persona truly is focused on using any resources possible - even if it includes harming/hurting someone they do actually love. It is a tragedy too many of us have witnessed, for me, I really and truly have tried everything and given more than I have to give to try to help to no avail. I too wrote letters pleading and setting boundaries to receive a similar response or lies it would be better only to have the dream once again dashed against the rocks. For me, I am making preparations to move on. I have made him aware of this, he is not making any preparations, I am certain he is also in denial of my eventual leaving...
Verbal and emotional abuse is not Just a joke, not even to them. Make your plans and preparations necessary - and thank the HP that you still are able to live...so sorry you had to get the response you did...he basically told you he did not accept and will not honor your boundaries. I would hope you have the strength now to enforce the boundaries you decided were necessary to your well-being.
HUGS...
Verbal and emotional abuse is not Just a joke, not even to them. Make your plans and preparations necessary - and thank the HP that you still are able to live...so sorry you had to get the response you did...he basically told you he did not accept and will not honor your boundaries. I would hope you have the strength now to enforce the boundaries you decided were necessary to your well-being.
HUGS...
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