can't let go of negative feelings...

Old 12-25-2009, 10:03 PM
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can't let go of negative feelings...

Merry christmas everyone!

I usually enjoy holidays/ birthdays/ special events, because unlike many other A's, my AH usually stays sober on these days (he knows I and his parents have issues with him drinking). This christmas again was very peaceful, we are staying at his parents house and AH hasn't had a drink since wednesday. He has been really nice the past 2 days, but somehow I can't seem to just enjoy the holidays. There are so many unresolved issues and I can't just store them away and feel fine (pretend everything's ok between us). I tried talking to him about our marriage this morning at breakfast (his parents were out and didn't get back until tonight) and he blocked it off right away, asking if we could please just enjoy the day and talk tomorrow (I don't think that will happen, because unless he is drunk he runs as soon as I try to talk to him about our problems).

Not sure what I'm asking here ... I guess I just want to know if this is "normal"? Iin the past I was always able to look past all the problems we had and just enjoy his present and kindness/ him being sober for the day. But this time, I just can't seem to let it go ... hugging him this morning after opening presents just got me all teared up (it didn't make me happy, just sad, because I was realizing that this is what I want EVERY DAY - and how much I miss him being sober and me being carefree)!
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Old 12-25-2009, 10:13 PM
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(((((((((((((((Lotus))))))))))))))))

Maybe things will change - one can always hope sweetie. I too missed my XAH good behavior days when we were married and on our way to his parents house for holidays and such....but then it was all spoiled when he would pull over and buy beer before we were even out of his parents town. Yee Haw...

I just wanted you to get a hug and let you know that I hear you sista..

Janitw
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Lotus2009 View Post
Merry christmas everyone!

Not sure what I'm asking here ... I guess I just want to know if this is "normal"? Iin the past I was always able to look past all the problems we had and just enjoy his present and kindness/ him being sober for the day. But this time, I just can't seem to let it go ... hugging him this morning after opening presents just got me all teared up (it didn't make me happy, just sad, because I was realizing that this is what I want EVERY DAY - and how much I miss him being sober and me being carefree)!
I think it is quite normal to want a kind sober husband.
I wanted a kind, sober husband, and after we both went to six weeks of in patient treatment, I was sure that was it. I found out that he didn't "get" it, he decided I was the one with the problem and he could still "party" because he didn't have a problem as bad as mine. I couldn't let go for a few more years, just as I needed every drink to get to stop, he has not reached his limit yet, and moved on to crack.
Don't wait for him to get sober to be carefree. Get your own carefree, it is the only way. Find your way to happiness without his moods or drunks, you will become healthier and stronger. This is what I had to do. My strong desire/need to get him to see the light was not enough to get him to stop.
Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can.
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:36 AM
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I am sorry the day was kind of spoiled for you. My AW hasn't had a drink (as far as I know) since the 6th, but Yesterday was bad for the same reasons you mention in your post. I can't let go of the negativity. I went to my brothers for a little gift exchange, but the wife wouldn't go...again. She can't get past it either, and I wonder if this is the way it will always be and the is the reason I am not sure if this is gonna last and not sure if I want it to anyway. Hang in there lady.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:30 AM
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I spent a good year and a half struggling with the same uneasy fear/resentment and sadness you're explaining. I did not trust him. And with good cause.

I knew at the time I needed to listen to that small, inner voice that told me I wasnt' happy. He wasn't treating me right. But I kept taking it until I just couldn't anymore.

For me, I kept trying to adjust my expectation. He wouldn't agree to go no contact with the woman he had an affair with, left me for and lived with for 4 months. I needed for him to not talk to her at all, commit to me. He refused.

So, I tried to be ok with it.

He would agree to not get drunk, then do it anyway and rage at me. So, I tried to be ok with it.

I was comprimising my ideals. My standards. I knew what I needed and wanted. And I knew he wasn't going to be able to meet them.

But I was still so emotionally bound to him. It was horrible. I couldn't, rather didn't konw how to, let go. I was too afraid to lose him. I think it was just the result of having my self esteem in the toilet. I had friends who told me, "your crazy. That guy has treated you like garbage, why are you running after him?" and that made me feel worse. But they were right.

As much as I was terrified to let go, when I did, it was the best thing that's happened to me. Losing the loser.

OH, and that manuver, the blocking any conversation about your feelings that he doesnt' want to deal with? My AH did that to me for years. So I waited. Sad and feeling unloved. It never changed.
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:01 AM
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I so much identify with this - so much so that I could have written it myself.
Transformyself - your post also is so much like my situation...I have decided to move on once I am able (job wise)...what did you finally do? How have you dealt with this at this point?
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:27 AM
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Pray4joy I'll post an update so I don't threadjack Dear Lotus.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:14 PM
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People...I have lived this life.

Let me offer a little insight based on my painful reality. I am sorry for the length...but well worth reading.

1. They drink and they draw us into the insanity. We often wonder why we have the same arguements...over and over. They don't stop drinking, but now they get spiteful and revengeful.

2. They then cheat. They cheat to make themselves feel better and to get the rush of doing something that they see as 'punishment' to us. They purposely pick fights so they can go do what they do with a clear conscience. And they continue to drink...and the fighting gets worse.

3. We find out (took me a whole year to 'get it') and we throw them out and talk divorce. They sweet talk us into taking them back. They promise you everything under the sun and the swear they will stop drinking.

4. We, in our twisted desire for peace, take them back and expect that they will keep the promises they make. Why we would expect that from these consumate liars is a mystery to me? I guess because we would keep the promises we made to them...how stupid of us.

5. We struggle with the fact they had this affair all the while your heart is breaking. You don't throw it in their face because you are trying to 'work' on your marriage...trying to keep the family together. So you swallow your pain and learn to live with the affair. It's around now that you realize that they haven't stopped drinking. They now hide it around the house...in the garage...and in there car. They make many trips to 'the store' which is code for "I'm going to the gas station to drink". You know this because your daughter sees them sitting in the car drinking while she is getting gas for her car!!

6. You don't leave them because you have not hit your 'bottom'...yet. You try to hold them accountable for their end of the agrement and want them to stop drinking and keep the promise they made to you. You now become the F------ B--ch that nags and nags. Yet they continue to drink while you grow colder and colder inside.

7. You continue this dance for several more years...all the while you continue to grow bitter, resentful, and angry, and oh so cold. Why? Because you had to shove the fact that they cheated down your throat for the sake of a marriage. A marriage that you thought was worth saving at the time. Yet they laugh in your face and continue to hide their booze and continue to drink.

8. Here comes the good part...you wake up one morning and realize you are an old person and not a damn thing in you life has changed. You have so much bile in your throat from taking all the years of crap. You decide to move out...yet in the back of your mind you think...maybe. Maybe this will wake them up and realize they will lose the best thing the ever had. Surely the stupidest thing they ever had!! But no...this doesn't happen. It's during this time that you discover they have been having yet another affair...long before you decided to move out. All the while you've been agonizing about whether you want to really move out...can the marriage be saved...am I doing the right thing...maybe he will change...HE IS OUT CHEATING ON YOU AGAIN!

These people do not deserve decent warm loving spouses...they deserve to be married to the same type of scum that they are.

Am I bitter to find myself in my early 50's reliving the pain from the first affair and dealing with the anger of the second? You're damn right I am! Am I resentful that I spent the better part of my life trying to make sense out of a morally bankrupt alcoholic person...yep!

I wish someone would have posted something like this years ago. I would have saved myself so much heartache and pain. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. Save yourself...they will suck the life right out of you until you do not recognize who you are anymore.

This is my true story...and as I write this I can still feel the pain of just recently finding out he cheated on me again. Writing this felt good...
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:41 PM
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Not so much normal ... as typical.

and Myawakening... wow.
I have nothing wise or wonderful to say...
just ... wow.
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Old 12-26-2009, 10:48 PM
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Thank you all for your responses!
I thought about this a lot and I think the reason I'm not able to let go of the negative things, is because I don't want to. I need them to keep my wall up... because I know if I take my wall down, I will be hurt even more in the coming days, when he turns back into Mr. Hyde.

p.s. of course we didn't talk today - no surprise. AND he decided to go out again tonight after work without telling me or answering my phone calls at 1:30 am (I guess he thinks he is punishing me because I didn't answer his text when he asked if I would come pick him up tonight - I fell asleep and didn't hear my phone)
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:36 AM
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My apologies to those of you that took the time to post for Lotus...and especially to Lotus for threadjacking her. It wasn't until after I posted this that I realized I had done so. I'm having a difficult time during these holidays (as are the rest of you) and it just sort of took on a life of its own.

Lotus...I'm sorry. If I could figure out how to remove my post I would so this thread could be yours without my garbage in there. Yes, I am in counseling for this anger. :-/
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