Help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Kingposrt
Posts: 10
Help.
I am back to this forum after a couple of years. Back then, I was talking about my alcoholic ex husband. Dealt with that.
Now, on my daughters drug addiction. I kicked her out yesterday with the help of my apartment management. I believe God stepped in where my weakness was.
She has almost destroyed me and I have had her in and out for two years. I love her, but I don't like her.
Anyway, I will miss her on Christmas day.
Please, I need words of wisdom that I have done the right thing and need to stop enabling her with a roof over her head and food to eat. A Mom's heart is so big and she is my only child.
I have done everything for her, everything. Now, I have a special man in my life and I am afraid she will ruin that also. Isn't it my turn?
I need to be strong. When she cries to me, it breaks my heart. But, I think aren't these tears only selfish tears?
Thanks for your words.
Now, on my daughters drug addiction. I kicked her out yesterday with the help of my apartment management. I believe God stepped in where my weakness was.
She has almost destroyed me and I have had her in and out for two years. I love her, but I don't like her.
Anyway, I will miss her on Christmas day.
Please, I need words of wisdom that I have done the right thing and need to stop enabling her with a roof over her head and food to eat. A Mom's heart is so big and she is my only child.
I have done everything for her, everything. Now, I have a special man in my life and I am afraid she will ruin that also. Isn't it my turn?
I need to be strong. When she cries to me, it breaks my heart. But, I think aren't these tears only selfish tears?
Thanks for your words.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Hi,
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this around the holidays. I suggest keep reading here and may I suggest reading some posts by Nytepassion. She has some really good posts on enabling and taking care of yourself. LEND ME YOUR EAR AND LETTING GO OF THOSE NOT IN RECOVERY. Those 2 posts really have helped me to focus on myself and not feel guilty.
My addict is my boyfriend. Well I guess ex boyfriend now. I had to kick him out also or I was going to go down with him. I know it is hard and just wanted to say hang in there and be strong.
Take care
Tammy
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this around the holidays. I suggest keep reading here and may I suggest reading some posts by Nytepassion. She has some really good posts on enabling and taking care of yourself. LEND ME YOUR EAR AND LETTING GO OF THOSE NOT IN RECOVERY. Those 2 posts really have helped me to focus on myself and not feel guilty.
My addict is my boyfriend. Well I guess ex boyfriend now. I had to kick him out also or I was going to go down with him. I know it is hard and just wanted to say hang in there and be strong.
Take care
Tammy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Mustica,
My home was a revolving door for my son. I would kick him out and then feel really remorseful and allow him to move back in. After changing the locks 5 times, I said no more. He has been only working enough to pay to sleep on someone's couch and buy his drugs. He has sucked me dry financially, physically, emotionally and psycologically. I have nothing left to give him, but my unconditional love. I tell him I love him no matter what, but he can not be a part of my life and use. I told him that I can not watch my only son killing himself, it is too painful. He was in rehab and got kicked out for using, was kicked out of 2 different 1/2 way houses, has been arrested 4 times (stealing, forging checks, etc), wrecked 2 vehicles that my ex husband and I bought for him, drove through my garage door twice, is in debt for over $50,000, has sold everything he owns, lost his driver's license. He is 22 years old. If that is not self-destruction, I don't know what is. He has ruined every holiday for the past 4 years and is not welcome into my relative's homes. I also miss my son and more so during the holidays. I too love my son but dislike what he has become.
It is amazing that when they need a place to stay, they will find a place. There are a lot of homeless centers that will feed them and give them a bed. My son was in the homeless center. You have to remain strong and allow her to hit her bottom....until she is so miserable that she finally gives up and seeks help. Even then.....DO NOT HELP HER. She has to do it on her own. I Marchman Acted my son and he did 60 days in a rehab program. Because I was the one to make him go, it did not work. That was over a year ago. Last September, he text messaged me that he wanted to go back to rehab. My response was. "Great. You make the arrangements this time. I love you". He has still not gone in and that was 6 months ago. I did attend some co-dependency meetings that were very beneficial. You need to take care of yourself and figure out how you may be inadvertantly enabling her. She will ruin your new relationship and come between you. My son did, with my boyfriend.
Addicts are very good at manipulation. My son tells me what he thinks I want to hear, makes false promises and tries to pretend that everything is hunky dory. I can't even stand to look at him. Track marks all over his arms, gaunt, black circles under his eyes, clothes full of holes and stains. It breaks my heart.
My therapist told me not to shut him out of my life. I am supposed to just keep telling him that I love him and that I hope he is making good decisions. My response to my therapist is....you don't have to look at him and watch him self-destruct. When he is in my life, it kills me to have that front row seat. When I tell him not to call me and stay out of my life, it kills me not knowing where he is and how he is doing. It is a no win situation, but one thing that I have come to realize is that when he is not in contact, I seem to be able to get through my days a little better....pretending and hoping that everything is ok.
My ex husband is also an alcoholic and drug user, even used with our son. Great role model.
I wish you well. Take care of yourself.
My home was a revolving door for my son. I would kick him out and then feel really remorseful and allow him to move back in. After changing the locks 5 times, I said no more. He has been only working enough to pay to sleep on someone's couch and buy his drugs. He has sucked me dry financially, physically, emotionally and psycologically. I have nothing left to give him, but my unconditional love. I tell him I love him no matter what, but he can not be a part of my life and use. I told him that I can not watch my only son killing himself, it is too painful. He was in rehab and got kicked out for using, was kicked out of 2 different 1/2 way houses, has been arrested 4 times (stealing, forging checks, etc), wrecked 2 vehicles that my ex husband and I bought for him, drove through my garage door twice, is in debt for over $50,000, has sold everything he owns, lost his driver's license. He is 22 years old. If that is not self-destruction, I don't know what is. He has ruined every holiday for the past 4 years and is not welcome into my relative's homes. I also miss my son and more so during the holidays. I too love my son but dislike what he has become.
It is amazing that when they need a place to stay, they will find a place. There are a lot of homeless centers that will feed them and give them a bed. My son was in the homeless center. You have to remain strong and allow her to hit her bottom....until she is so miserable that she finally gives up and seeks help. Even then.....DO NOT HELP HER. She has to do it on her own. I Marchman Acted my son and he did 60 days in a rehab program. Because I was the one to make him go, it did not work. That was over a year ago. Last September, he text messaged me that he wanted to go back to rehab. My response was. "Great. You make the arrangements this time. I love you". He has still not gone in and that was 6 months ago. I did attend some co-dependency meetings that were very beneficial. You need to take care of yourself and figure out how you may be inadvertantly enabling her. She will ruin your new relationship and come between you. My son did, with my boyfriend.
Addicts are very good at manipulation. My son tells me what he thinks I want to hear, makes false promises and tries to pretend that everything is hunky dory. I can't even stand to look at him. Track marks all over his arms, gaunt, black circles under his eyes, clothes full of holes and stains. It breaks my heart.
My therapist told me not to shut him out of my life. I am supposed to just keep telling him that I love him and that I hope he is making good decisions. My response to my therapist is....you don't have to look at him and watch him self-destruct. When he is in my life, it kills me to have that front row seat. When I tell him not to call me and stay out of my life, it kills me not knowing where he is and how he is doing. It is a no win situation, but one thing that I have come to realize is that when he is not in contact, I seem to be able to get through my days a little better....pretending and hoping that everything is ok.
My ex husband is also an alcoholic and drug user, even used with our son. Great role model.
I wish you well. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Hi Musicta
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am sorry you had to come back here, but as you know, this is a great place for support. It has been my lifeline. I don't post very often, but I read almost everyday.
I kicked my AD out in September. She is my only child. I have her 2 boys with me and and like you, she almost destroyed me, financially, emotionally, spiritually. It will be a long time before I can dig myself out of some of the messes that I made trying to help her. Unfortunately, we cannot help them.
I miss my daughter too. She will be at the house for Christmas tomorrow, but it makes me sad to see her. I love her but I don't like her very much. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that someone knows how you feel. We DO deserve to have "our" turn at being happy.
My thoughts are with you and I am sending up a prayer for you and your daughter. May you find some peace and happiness. Merry Christmas.
Gotahavfaith
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am sorry you had to come back here, but as you know, this is a great place for support. It has been my lifeline. I don't post very often, but I read almost everyday.
I kicked my AD out in September. She is my only child. I have her 2 boys with me and and like you, she almost destroyed me, financially, emotionally, spiritually. It will be a long time before I can dig myself out of some of the messes that I made trying to help her. Unfortunately, we cannot help them.
I miss my daughter too. She will be at the house for Christmas tomorrow, but it makes me sad to see her. I love her but I don't like her very much. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that someone knows how you feel. We DO deserve to have "our" turn at being happy.
My thoughts are with you and I am sending up a prayer for you and your daughter. May you find some peace and happiness. Merry Christmas.
Gotahavfaith
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry about your daughter, while helping yourself, you may be helping her more than you know. i'm a recovering addict and it took for my family to take that step away from me so that i could freely look for my bottom. by allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions i was more able to see and feel just how out of control and destructive my life had become.
my ah of 23yrs is what brought me here and after 21yrs of trying to cope with his addiction, i had to separate myself. his addiction was taking me and the kids down with him and driving me insane.
your daughter is an adult now and have a right to live life the way she chooses and so do you. i say turn her over to her hp and you live your life to the fullest. you have nothing to feel guilty about, none of this has nothing to do with you. keep the focus on you, you deserve it.
my mom would tell me"you made your bed hard, now you lay in it. don't try to make me sleep in it with you" hope this makes sense.
you and your daughter are in my prayers
my ah of 23yrs is what brought me here and after 21yrs of trying to cope with his addiction, i had to separate myself. his addiction was taking me and the kids down with him and driving me insane.
your daughter is an adult now and have a right to live life the way she chooses and so do you. i say turn her over to her hp and you live your life to the fullest. you have nothing to feel guilty about, none of this has nothing to do with you. keep the focus on you, you deserve it.
my mom would tell me"you made your bed hard, now you lay in it. don't try to make me sleep in it with you" hope this makes sense.
you and your daughter are in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Kingposrt
Posts: 10
Thank you.
These posts are so helpful to me. Just to know that I am not alone and the stories are so similar. I can read these and know that I am not crazy, (as addicts make you feel, ex. "I don't know what you did with your money, I haven't touched it." Gosh if I had a nickel every time that was said, I would be financially sound!
I am tired of hearing whines about her Dad was this and her Dad was that. But yet she calls him for money. Wow.
I am cleaning out her room as I speak and of course, what a mess. Even found some things I think have been stolen.
I worry for her, but know she will find somewhere to stay. She always has. I just don't want that dreadful phone call we are all scared about.
My Mother passed away this summer and my dog of 15 years passed away, my two best friends. My sister disowned me because of my daughter. (Real supportive, huh?) That's a whole other story. My sister too is an alcoholic.
I look at this as an opportunity to start a new phase in my life. I am not going to let her ruin my beginnings with a wonderful man. (By the way, he doesn't drink or do drugs. Yea!!!)
Thanks for your words of wisdom and keep em coming. They are wonderful.
Hugs to all!
I am tired of hearing whines about her Dad was this and her Dad was that. But yet she calls him for money. Wow.
I am cleaning out her room as I speak and of course, what a mess. Even found some things I think have been stolen.
I worry for her, but know she will find somewhere to stay. She always has. I just don't want that dreadful phone call we are all scared about.
My Mother passed away this summer and my dog of 15 years passed away, my two best friends. My sister disowned me because of my daughter. (Real supportive, huh?) That's a whole other story. My sister too is an alcoholic.
I look at this as an opportunity to start a new phase in my life. I am not going to let her ruin my beginnings with a wonderful man. (By the way, he doesn't drink or do drugs. Yea!!!)
Thanks for your words of wisdom and keep em coming. They are wonderful.
Hugs to all!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i just want to add that at the end of the day, i'm totally and eternally grateful to and for my family for moving out of my way and letting me fall. today i have a few yrs clean, if they had not done that, i just don't know where i would be today or if i would be around today. because of them, its embedded in my mind just how deep my bottom was and the long hard climb up causing me to never want to go back there, knowing that if somehow i did, they won't hesitate to choose THEM again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
It is sad that so many of us are spending the holidays without our children. I am thankful that my son is in a court ordered program and has almost 6 months clean. I am sad because I have not seen him since last January when he relapsed.
Yesterday we found out that one of his old friends died in a drug related accident. I know the heartbreak of going through this with your child and mine breaks for his family. So as sad as I am that I am without my child this Christmas for today he is alive and doing well and I am thankful. Never give up hope, you are doing the right thing by letting them fall just let them know you love them. I wish you all peace and love as you try to get through the holidays and know you are not alone.
Yesterday we found out that one of his old friends died in a drug related accident. I know the heartbreak of going through this with your child and mine breaks for his family. So as sad as I am that I am without my child this Christmas for today he is alive and doing well and I am thankful. Never give up hope, you are doing the right thing by letting them fall just let them know you love them. I wish you all peace and love as you try to get through the holidays and know you are not alone.
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