Fear
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Fear
I thought I was recovering nicely - maybe I was a little complacent. Maybe I haven't been doing enough journalling etc. Anyway, yesterday the phone rang and I answered it. The person on the other end said 'Hiya....its <STBXAH's first name>'. I was instantly paralysed. Fear and dread churned in the pit of my stomach. I finally pull myself together just enough to say '<STBXAH's first name> who?' when the person hung up - probably freaked out by the scared silence at the other end of the phone.
I know this has to be a wrong number. I got a new phone number when I moved, unlisted and I've only given it to a few people with strict instructions to never give it out, especially to STBXAH (most of them don't know him). He doesn't even know where I live now. But I was still shaken. Will I ever get over this reaction to him? What if I bumped into him - not likely I know?
I was taken aback by the strength of my fear. I'd been thinking about him a lot lately - think its the time of year - and I was getting annoyed with myself for giving him space in my head when all I was doing was telling him on what he was missing out on and of the stuff I can now enjoy without him there. This wrong number was like a reminder that my peace is still pretty fragile and I need to get back on the recovery wagon...
Separated a year and 3 months (but who's counting
) and NC for 3 months. I'm thinking that maybe I ought to give AlAnon a try but think I might be 'disqualified'! Either that or try and get back into counselling. Any ideas/suggestions? I can't stop thinking about the call and my reaction to it.
I know this has to be a wrong number. I got a new phone number when I moved, unlisted and I've only given it to a few people with strict instructions to never give it out, especially to STBXAH (most of them don't know him). He doesn't even know where I live now. But I was still shaken. Will I ever get over this reaction to him? What if I bumped into him - not likely I know?
I was taken aback by the strength of my fear. I'd been thinking about him a lot lately - think its the time of year - and I was getting annoyed with myself for giving him space in my head when all I was doing was telling him on what he was missing out on and of the stuff I can now enjoy without him there. This wrong number was like a reminder that my peace is still pretty fragile and I need to get back on the recovery wagon...
Separated a year and 3 months (but who's counting
) and NC for 3 months. I'm thinking that maybe I ought to give AlAnon a try but think I might be 'disqualified'! Either that or try and get back into counselling. Any ideas/suggestions? I can't stop thinking about the call and my reaction to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
aw, bookwyrm-
i think your reaction is quite normal, as you were caught off-guard.
are you sure it was a wrong number and not him?
i think fear is a normal reaction, as we have been traumatized. you feel safe in your new home and all of a sudden, that was threatened.
you certainly wouldn't be disqualified from alanon. in my meeting, we had a woman who's husband had died years ago, but she was still there, trying to sort out her emotions.
naive
i think your reaction is quite normal, as you were caught off-guard.
are you sure it was a wrong number and not him?
i think fear is a normal reaction, as we have been traumatized. you feel safe in your new home and all of a sudden, that was threatened.
you certainly wouldn't be disqualified from alanon. in my meeting, we had a woman who's husband had died years ago, but she was still there, trying to sort out her emotions.
naive
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by naive 
aw, bookwyrm-
i think your reaction is quite normal, as you were caught off-guard.
are you sure it was a wrong number and not him?
i think fear is a normal reaction, as we have been traumatized. you feel safe in your new home and all of a sudden, that was threatened.
you certainly wouldn't be disqualified from alanon. in my meeting, we had a woman who's husband had died years ago, but she was still there, trying to sort out her emotions.
naive
i think your reaction is quite normal, as you were caught off-guard.
are you sure it was a wrong number and not him?
i think fear is a normal reaction, as we have been traumatized. you feel safe in your new home and all of a sudden, that was threatened.
you certainly wouldn't be disqualified from alanon. in my meeting, we had a woman who's husband had died years ago, but she was still there, trying to sort out her emotions.
naive
I think Alanon would be a fine "next step" in your recovery.
Merry Christmas.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Try to be kind to yourself. These things cycle around and around and each time we learn more about ourselves, figure out how to make our lives better.
I think if you were trampled by a herd of buffalo and later heard the sounds of a stampede coming, fear would be a healthy reaction.
I think if you were trampled by a herd of buffalo and later heard the sounds of a stampede coming, fear would be a healthy reaction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Self-defense moves can be very effective against an attacker. A loud "NO!" A kick to a soft spot. A jab in the eye. All buy you time to get past what scares you and get away.
They are entirely ineffective if never practiced.
Your higher power is just letting you get some self-defense practice. You got a weird call from someone calling themself by the same name as your EX, your spidy senses began tingling, and you sprang into action "STBXAH Who?"
I say, consider it a tune up of the 'ol safety reflexes and give yourself a pat on the back.
Alice
They are entirely ineffective if never practiced.
Your higher power is just letting you get some self-defense practice. You got a weird call from someone calling themself by the same name as your EX, your spidy senses began tingling, and you sprang into action "STBXAH Who?"
I say, consider it a tune up of the 'ol safety reflexes and give yourself a pat on the back.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 39
I am amazed how often I am troubled by something and come on here to read about it.....Thank you for posting.
I think its the time of year....at least I hope so, I did counselling and found it very helpful.
Mostly when I start obsessing about him, I pray seems to work best for me.
I think its the time of year....at least I hope so, I did counselling and found it very helpful.
Mostly when I start obsessing about him, I pray seems to work best for me.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Bookwyrm wrote: Hon, that's what we in the 'damaged goods' club call a 'trigger'.
We can't be 'on guard' all the time, although we do try.
I don't know the nature of your breakup
but when *I* had a violent breakup
I got 'triggered' all the time for well over a year.
It wasn't until I found a network of other women that
I was able to get it together.
Even if the 'trigger' wasn't true FEAR
and was instead just a big 'charge'
... they suck.
And, unless you showed up drunk or something,
I can't imagine you getting 'disqualified' from AlAnon.
So, my vote is a big YES ... for both.
I thought I was recovering nicely - maybe I was a little complacent. Maybe I haven't been doing enough journalling etc. Anyway, yesterday the phone rang and I answered it. The person on the other end said 'Hiya....its <STBXAH's first name>'. I was instantly paralysed. Fear and dread churned in the pit of my stomach. I finally pull myself together just enough to say '<STBXAH's first name> who?' when the person hung up - probably freaked out by the scared silence at the other end of the phone.
We can't be 'on guard' all the time, although we do try.
I don't know the nature of your breakup
but when *I* had a violent breakup
I got 'triggered' all the time for well over a year.
It wasn't until I found a network of other women that
I was able to get it together.
Even if the 'trigger' wasn't true FEAR
and was instead just a big 'charge'
... they suck.
And, unless you showed up drunk or something,
I can't imagine you getting 'disqualified' from AlAnon.
So, my vote is a big YES ... for both.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there bookwyrm
I'm so sorry you got "triggered", but it sounds to me like you handled it just fine.
And yes, you are definetly welcomed in al-anon. It's been 5 years since my divorce and they still welcome me with hugs. I don't go because of my ex anymore. I go for _me_, because I don't want to end up in the same kind of mess again.
Mike
I'm so sorry you got "triggered", but it sounds to me like you handled it just fine.
And yes, you are definetly welcomed in al-anon. It's been 5 years since my divorce and they still welcome me with hugs. I don't go because of my ex anymore. I go for _me_, because I don't want to end up in the same kind of mess again.
Mike
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there! I hope you are feeling good after since this trigger occured Bookwyrm?
I just wanted to post in response to you to share from my perspective. It has been almost 2 years since I split from my ex and I still have triggers regarding his name, which was Paul. Some HP seems to think it theraputic for me to be surrounded by men of this name, I work with 2 in my office where there are only 9 people, so a high percentage! I have met men who I may think seem attractive, only to find there name is Paul and I don't want to know!
When my daughter found an old digital camera a few months back, we sat down to laugh at the photos and who's face should pop up, but my ex. I was knocked off balance and lost my voice for a brief spell. Seeing his face again after all that time floored me. If I ever bumped into him again I know I would find it difficult to retain my composure.
I think this is all part of my healing. I understand now the full extent of the trauma I experienced when living with him. I know that psychological and emotional shock will take some time to fully heal. I believe my friend Denny called this experience 'regression in the service of the ego'. A necessary healing cycle that although feels as though I take a step backward; in actual fact I am strengthened by the experience and move forward. This psychological term is called 'recycling' by Melody Beattie.
I have gone through this cycle many many times since I split from my ex. It is taking me a long time to process everything I experienced through my relationship with him and although in a perfect world it would be nice if I didn't have to go through this long road of recovery I am thankful for it. I feel that I am in a better place mind and body that I have been in such a long time.
I hope that your new year is full of joy!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I just wanted to post in response to you to share from my perspective. It has been almost 2 years since I split from my ex and I still have triggers regarding his name, which was Paul. Some HP seems to think it theraputic for me to be surrounded by men of this name, I work with 2 in my office where there are only 9 people, so a high percentage! I have met men who I may think seem attractive, only to find there name is Paul and I don't want to know!
When my daughter found an old digital camera a few months back, we sat down to laugh at the photos and who's face should pop up, but my ex. I was knocked off balance and lost my voice for a brief spell. Seeing his face again after all that time floored me. If I ever bumped into him again I know I would find it difficult to retain my composure.
I think this is all part of my healing. I understand now the full extent of the trauma I experienced when living with him. I know that psychological and emotional shock will take some time to fully heal. I believe my friend Denny called this experience 'regression in the service of the ego'. A necessary healing cycle that although feels as though I take a step backward; in actual fact I am strengthened by the experience and move forward. This psychological term is called 'recycling' by Melody Beattie.
I have gone through this cycle many many times since I split from my ex. It is taking me a long time to process everything I experienced through my relationship with him and although in a perfect world it would be nice if I didn't have to go through this long road of recovery I am thankful for it. I feel that I am in a better place mind and body that I have been in such a long time.
I hope that your new year is full of joy!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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