pray4joy

Many months ago following the continuation of the AH drinking, antics and yet another failed recovery after rehab, I decided that sex with him was not something I wanted.
A few weeks ago, I finally told him that we needed to be at peace with one another while we continue to live together. I also told him it was my intention once I got a job to move on...things just haven't worked out for us after 8 years of this.
He has been abstaining, off and on moody, needy etc. I have been better at detaching in this environment.
Just about a half hour ago he told me he wanted to have sex tonite. He said he knew I would say no...that I hated him. I politely declined with an I'm sorry but I'm not into that right now.
So many times it was the drunk who sneaked into my bed, lied and deceived and used me. I have felt far more like this man's mother than wife. He basically hasn't worked for 5 of 8 years...except for brief encounters with abstinence, many hospital and rehab stays, many lost jobs...this has been a total hell. I no longer try to help or save him. I am beginning now to work on myself. I find the idea of sex with him totally repulsive {he is good looking and well endowed but his behavior over these years is a huge turn off...it makes me want to puke!}
But I still feel guilty. Any good advice or feedback would be welcome. I hate to be the killjoy for him [he is an absolute ass when he doesn't get his way] Essentially I am saying nothing beyond my initial "no thanks."
I'm not "holding out" so to speak, punishing with no sex, I am instead supporting myself, by not having sex with someone I abhor...
Thanks for any help.

nodaybut2day

Hi pray4joy...i understand where you are right now. I've been there and I remember how torturous it was. I also wasn't at all attracted to my husband due mostly to his horrid actions, lack of work and controlling/abusive behaviour (not to mention his lack of personal hygiene). And i remember being accused on so many things when I refused sex....

Can I ask why you feel guilty? Do you feel as though you "owe"? your husband or that it is your duty? Or is it that you feel bad because you know he'll be mad when you refuse and it'll be hell after that?

I'm glad you've decided it's time to work on yourself...you're so worth it!

isurvived

Well, I'm sure many of us can relate... I can recall times when I just went through the motions just to keep the peace... it gave me some temporary reprieve. Looking back it was not the least bit pleasant... and there were times I would actually gag when he'd roll over and try to initiate sex. That's how replused I became. Many of those times, he hadn't been drinking... but the accumulation of the lies, and problems, and deception took it's toll on our relationship - every facet of it!

We slept in separate rooms for about the last 2 years of our marriage. I just couldn't stand him to touch me! Thank God that is over! It's over because I could no longer live the lie. Life is TOO short.

pray4joy

I guess it isn't really guilt...it is wanting to stop the pouting,neediness & manipulation - I thank the Lord he has chosen instead to go lock himself into the other room and leave me alone. Whew. It's bizarre that even not drinking he'll try and disrupt the calm waters.

My birthday is Christmas day...I guess because he bought me a really beautiful card which he says are his real feelings I was going to run into his arms...extolling my love for him...I think he is disappointed...I think he is realizing how much he destroyed the love I felt for him at one time. How sad...I guess this is letting go and letting GOD...the consequences of his actions. I don't want to be mean, but I want to take care of myself...sort of my gift to myself.

steve11694

kindly direct him to his bilateral palms.

nodaybut2day

I completely understand that...perhaps direct your feelings of frustration towards HIM instead of towards yourself. HE is the one trying to coherse you into having sex to placate him. That is just wrong.

Yes...just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean his core behaviour is going to change. I think other posters on the board can attest to the "dry drunk" behaviour, which is sometimes even worse than the drunk behaviour.

You're exactly right; you're giving yourself a gift of a boundary, no matter what his reaction will be. Good for you. What`s happening right now is a consequence of your H's past actions; he just doesn't accept it.

transformyself

Steve. Word.

Pray, this
really struck me.

I believe you. I believe that living with a man who is an absolute ass when he doesn't get his way has killed any urge you my have to have sex with him.

For me, sex was the only thing that worked in my marriage. Really. And it was great. Until recently. We are seperated but he's here a lot till his place is ready. I do not have the slightest desire for him. He's finally done it. He's killed my attraction to and love for him.

When I realize this I"m stunned. More so than any other aspect of my recovery. I believed that I would always be attracted to him, always yearn for his touch.

Now I don't care. I'm way more interested in my life.

Mambo Queen

Oh my goodness, I could sooo have written your post. I know exactly how you feel. You feel "mean" and "rejecting" and that feels so bad, because you know that it's painful to be on the receiving end of sexual rejection, and it actually has nothing to do with your physical attraction to the person, but with their behavior. I have struggled with this as well. I finally just realized that my body knew something my head wasn't letting me fully accept yet, which was that when a person mistreats you badly enough, you don't want to be intimate with them. Your husband is going to have to learn this lesson.

TakingCharge999

I relate to this.

For me it is uncomfortable not only to put boundaries there but in other areas, because I have never done so. Maybe its the same feeling? if you are new to putting yourself first it is natural it won't feel comfortable when initially doing so... but it will come easier the more you practice...

You are the only one who can stand up for yourself and I am glad you are doing it. I too feel guilty or bad when bf says its almost a month, but then I tell him his needs are not more important than mine. And its not my problem if he has no other ways to express his sexuality...

brundle

For a really long time I felt that way with my AH. But the only way he wanted sex was after a few (trust me I needed a few just to look at him; let alone that over powering alcohol smell). Before that he wanted to use porn and beer...ugh... I can't even remember a time of "making love". It's just sex with no intimacy... yuck... So I quit doing it a few months before I left. He complained. He would acctually say: "I no longer have a sex life." I guess he thought I was having one without him. He could never understand what the problem was and I was sick of explaining.

Sex with my AH was just like everything else...all about him and what he could get out of it. I gave in and made him happy for years and it was just empty or plain old sex that I could find in any bar with any stranger for me. He thought it was love and as always I am the crazy one. Oh well; now I'm alone and don't have to worry about it...

Redheadsusie

I completely understand your post and wrote a similar one recently. My AH told me I owed him sex.. What the heck is that. I owe him nothing. How can you be with someone who spews hatred and anger at you. How can you just flip a switch and give yourself to someone who hurts you so badly. You must take care of yourself. The pouting here is awful...You would think he was 5 years old but you know what.... today i got no card - no Merry Christams....only the gifts I bought myself. How sad for him...giving is the best part of the day....Much peace.

pray4joy

Dear redheadsusie =
I at least got a Birthday card, and he did cook dinner for my Christmas Birthday which was nice - although I bought the food & gifts (munchies)
Honest to goodness - it is just so insulting to my senses. But then I am learning that my expectations of him will never be met. Then he has the nerve to complain that he didn't get something he wanted. Oh boy!

GoodKarma

What I found after dating two different men that were alcoholics, is that after years of abusing alcohol they were impotent. This is also what I read would happen to men abusing alcohol. Don't know why this happens to some men and not to others.

These two men were also in their mid forties and smoked. I don't know if this contributed to the problem or not. So I guess your guys should be happy they can still get it up!

Redheadsusie

Of the many things I am grateful for this beginning of the New Year ..one of them is not my AH's ability to do it! Oh God i think I threw up in my mouth a little. LOL!

tigger11

Steve - LOL!

Pray4 - So many reasons why we don't want to be intimate with our A's. Odor, hygiene, hurt, anger, demands, impotence, lies, infidelity... the list is rather consistent with all of them, more or less.

My STBX-AH blames me. Says the cat is the only thing that has given him affection in several months. It broke my heart to say "no" to him. I have never been attracted to another man as I was to him. OMG I loved the feel of his skin. But he stunk, I was hurt, and he was incapable. In the end, being with him physically nauseated me. Probably saying "no" was more kind than throwing up during or after.

You are doing the right thing. Don't compromise yourself, and stay strong.

barb dwyer

there's making love ...

and there's taking love.

there's a monsterous difference, literally.


Someday, I hope
we, as a ... species...
move beyond sex as a demonstration of ownership.

"I don't want you" should be enough.
Well, actually, "no" should be enough.

wicked

thanks steve, that is exactly what i did!
LOL
he wasnt too happy, but i explained that since i quit drinking, i couldnt get past the smell and grossness of it all.

this gave me a good laugh.