Update on me...(ultra long again!)
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 19
Update on me...(ultra long again!)
Well, last time I wrote was a few weeks ago and I felt I owed an update.
Things were very up and down in the ensuing weeks. The dynamic did change, from a frequent, semi-drunk/drunk state most days a week, to sober and grumpy for say, 4 days a week and drunk and belligerent for 3 or so. I'm sure that's a common pattern - the whole "dry drunk" deal, sitting on the sofa, mad because everyone seemed (to him) to be "holding him back" from "doing what" he "wanted."
Things really did change an awful lot in the last two weeks though. It all started about two weeks ago, actually, with a huge argument. We were going to attend a friend's wedding several hours away - a lesbian couple. It would be a handfasting - a pagan ritual and I had really been looking forward to it. Now, AP's mother is Catholic and so, apparently (though he is not practicing at all) is AP - especially when it serves him well. She had a problem with the entire occasion - which he did not (he was a guest, invited) - BUT he just refused to stand up to her about it, instead choosing to cover up our going with a lie (he told her we were going somewhere else).
Completely non-alcohol related (but, he was drunk at the time of the argument) I was not at all happy with this. I stood there and told him that in no way was I embarrassed about this - either situation (the gay, and the pagan); I was NOT ashamed of my friends, and I would in no way "shut up" about it in front of anyone, since there was nothing to be embarrassed over!
He got angry (of course) and in the end, to cut long story short, that argument escalated and ended up with him calling me the "Antichrist" for having a different religion than him (something he has always known and which, to me, is therefore completely irrelevant at this time). Our baby who died, Josie (last October - 2008 - at full term) was brought up and many issues were raised...
It was awful - flem-spitting, wild eyed drunk, he was. But I was mad as hell and didn't feel the urge to cry at all!
So the following day at lunchtime I told him that either he was going to make an appointment with a counselor that very day, or, I was leaving, that very day. I had my stuff ready to go; had called a friend and had somewhere to stay. He clearly could not deal with the death of his daughter; had not been for well over a year, and this whole cycle had to end. I could not live with a spitting, raging ball of flaming hatred any more.
So, he did indeed make the appointment. Things were fairly good for most of the time until last Thursday, when we went to the appointment. I took him down, dropped him off - the whole time, he was just hopping mad about the deal. Just asinine! But we made it there without me throwing him out of the vehicle and he spent two hours talking to the counselor.
Naturally, when he got out he was somewhat all over the place. He managed to hold it together mostly, until we got home. Then he went out to deal with some snow, and the alcoholic next door neighbor called him in and offered him several cans of extremely strong lager. Which, being in a fragmented emotional state, he took. And drank.
To say the least, I was pissed when he walked in through the door smelling like booze - being almost 37 weeks pregnant! I asked him who he thought was going to drive me to the hospital in labor, were I suddenly to start contracting! I did ask him in a perfectly reasonable way but naturally, I felt angry.
So boy, oh boy, we had another argument and this one was the king. I really was angry, no doubt about it. Not even the slightest bit weepy: I was TOTALLY and completely done. He was just absolutely hateful - he yelled constantly for a half hour, stinking of beer, while I literally sat there saying nothing at all. After that half hour, I told him to shut the hell up! That I would be packing, would stick around for Christmas, but then would be on my way.
The funny thing is, here, he started telling me that he'd never told me to leave, so why was I leaving?!
Anyhow I lost my patience completely - got absolutely livid and literally told him to drop dead. Not mature in any way, I know, but it gives you an idea of the emotional state I was in! Well, he stood there with his mouth open, could not believe what I had just said. Then he said he wished he was dead as well so that he wouldn't have to put up with me any more. I told him "fine."
Then, I went into the spare room and threw the rest of my stuff into bags. The followed me even though I'd told him not to, and continued asking me why I was leaving! Simultaneously he continued berating me. I agreed with everything he said until he ran out of things to say, got tired, and went to bed.
I loaded my things into the back of my car and then went back to the spare room, and very calmly read my childbirth course and did some exercises, focusing on my baby. I actually felt totally calm, relaxed and fine by then - again, no tears.
The following day was the "turnaround." I called his mother and told her exactly what my plans were. I told her where I'd be staying and that my stuff was ready to go, and that I would not be having this any more (she is rather co-dependent and has had several alcoholics in her life, one of them - the most severe, being my AP's dad). She sounded worried but accepting.
But, from the Friday onward, I saw a genuine change. Actually I could almost call some of it "defeat" - taming the beast.
AP was very suddenly very calm. Worried, he called me several times that day to see if I was still around. That evening, instead of going to his garage and drinking beer, he stayed in and we all decorated the Christmas tree...
His eyes were just...kind of calmer. Everything had completely fallen apart on Thursday - with the counseling session which, I am sure, took him apart totally and then the argument which finished the job completely, no doubt!
We had a baby shower on Saturday. He stuck around; joined in the games; made rosettes with an iron and sugared them for everyone. He didn't swear; didn't drink. He did have a couple that evening with his best friend who he hadn't seen for a long time, but came in hours earlier than usual and wasn't mean. Since that day, he has not had anything to drink.
On the Sunday, he was a family man. He did some pre-birth exercises with me for the first time, and we did a pre-birth fear-clearing and relaxation session in the evening (we're doing a Hypnobabies course, so that's when we sit down, and write down any fears about the birth, and then listen to a special CD to help take the fears away). He was so willing to do that, I was shocked. Pleasant, kind, courteous... There was some emotion - some light there in his eyes as well, which I found quite amazing really.
I've seen him "act good" before and this is different. For one thing, "playing" good has never lasted this long. He's been kind to the children; no swearing at them. he's been a good father for almost a week straight - something I haven't seen him do since before the relapse. He's been quieter, not so dramatic, willing to join in activities.
He has EVEN been kind in the morning - times I used to dread because he'd be walking about after waking up swearing at the animals, talking to himself in this insane way, every single morning. He hasn't done that at all since last week. A whole week of hearing him walking about in the morning by himself, talking to the cats and petting them, humming, making coffee...
Anyway so, yes, that's where we are. It's quite normal. I wouldn't pay any attention if this "change" were a forced one, but he seems so...docile... So willing to be kind and helpful to his family; to be welcoming to this baby...
I'm not sure if the counseling session had anything to do with this enormous, 24/7 behavioral change, or if it was the ultimatum, the things in the car or a combination of everything, but things have been really better - he's been communicating as he speaks. Something I have not seen him do in gosh...well over a year.
So maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is a sign that perhaps not all is lost as I had assumed. I feel ready to bring this child into the world now, without fear. Certainly, our situation is MUCH better than when I first wrote - MUCH better.
Life is so strange sometimes... My stuff is still in my trunk, but perhaps at some point not too long from now, I can take it back out and put it in the drawers... I don't know. I will continue to update
Thank you all for reading (I know, it's long!) and for your awesome support! Xxxxx
Things were very up and down in the ensuing weeks. The dynamic did change, from a frequent, semi-drunk/drunk state most days a week, to sober and grumpy for say, 4 days a week and drunk and belligerent for 3 or so. I'm sure that's a common pattern - the whole "dry drunk" deal, sitting on the sofa, mad because everyone seemed (to him) to be "holding him back" from "doing what" he "wanted."
Things really did change an awful lot in the last two weeks though. It all started about two weeks ago, actually, with a huge argument. We were going to attend a friend's wedding several hours away - a lesbian couple. It would be a handfasting - a pagan ritual and I had really been looking forward to it. Now, AP's mother is Catholic and so, apparently (though he is not practicing at all) is AP - especially when it serves him well. She had a problem with the entire occasion - which he did not (he was a guest, invited) - BUT he just refused to stand up to her about it, instead choosing to cover up our going with a lie (he told her we were going somewhere else).
Completely non-alcohol related (but, he was drunk at the time of the argument) I was not at all happy with this. I stood there and told him that in no way was I embarrassed about this - either situation (the gay, and the pagan); I was NOT ashamed of my friends, and I would in no way "shut up" about it in front of anyone, since there was nothing to be embarrassed over!
He got angry (of course) and in the end, to cut long story short, that argument escalated and ended up with him calling me the "Antichrist" for having a different religion than him (something he has always known and which, to me, is therefore completely irrelevant at this time). Our baby who died, Josie (last October - 2008 - at full term) was brought up and many issues were raised...
It was awful - flem-spitting, wild eyed drunk, he was. But I was mad as hell and didn't feel the urge to cry at all!
So the following day at lunchtime I told him that either he was going to make an appointment with a counselor that very day, or, I was leaving, that very day. I had my stuff ready to go; had called a friend and had somewhere to stay. He clearly could not deal with the death of his daughter; had not been for well over a year, and this whole cycle had to end. I could not live with a spitting, raging ball of flaming hatred any more.
So, he did indeed make the appointment. Things were fairly good for most of the time until last Thursday, when we went to the appointment. I took him down, dropped him off - the whole time, he was just hopping mad about the deal. Just asinine! But we made it there without me throwing him out of the vehicle and he spent two hours talking to the counselor.
Naturally, when he got out he was somewhat all over the place. He managed to hold it together mostly, until we got home. Then he went out to deal with some snow, and the alcoholic next door neighbor called him in and offered him several cans of extremely strong lager. Which, being in a fragmented emotional state, he took. And drank.
To say the least, I was pissed when he walked in through the door smelling like booze - being almost 37 weeks pregnant! I asked him who he thought was going to drive me to the hospital in labor, were I suddenly to start contracting! I did ask him in a perfectly reasonable way but naturally, I felt angry.
So boy, oh boy, we had another argument and this one was the king. I really was angry, no doubt about it. Not even the slightest bit weepy: I was TOTALLY and completely done. He was just absolutely hateful - he yelled constantly for a half hour, stinking of beer, while I literally sat there saying nothing at all. After that half hour, I told him to shut the hell up! That I would be packing, would stick around for Christmas, but then would be on my way.
The funny thing is, here, he started telling me that he'd never told me to leave, so why was I leaving?!
Anyhow I lost my patience completely - got absolutely livid and literally told him to drop dead. Not mature in any way, I know, but it gives you an idea of the emotional state I was in! Well, he stood there with his mouth open, could not believe what I had just said. Then he said he wished he was dead as well so that he wouldn't have to put up with me any more. I told him "fine."
Then, I went into the spare room and threw the rest of my stuff into bags. The followed me even though I'd told him not to, and continued asking me why I was leaving! Simultaneously he continued berating me. I agreed with everything he said until he ran out of things to say, got tired, and went to bed.
I loaded my things into the back of my car and then went back to the spare room, and very calmly read my childbirth course and did some exercises, focusing on my baby. I actually felt totally calm, relaxed and fine by then - again, no tears.
The following day was the "turnaround." I called his mother and told her exactly what my plans were. I told her where I'd be staying and that my stuff was ready to go, and that I would not be having this any more (she is rather co-dependent and has had several alcoholics in her life, one of them - the most severe, being my AP's dad). She sounded worried but accepting.
But, from the Friday onward, I saw a genuine change. Actually I could almost call some of it "defeat" - taming the beast.
AP was very suddenly very calm. Worried, he called me several times that day to see if I was still around. That evening, instead of going to his garage and drinking beer, he stayed in and we all decorated the Christmas tree...
His eyes were just...kind of calmer. Everything had completely fallen apart on Thursday - with the counseling session which, I am sure, took him apart totally and then the argument which finished the job completely, no doubt!
We had a baby shower on Saturday. He stuck around; joined in the games; made rosettes with an iron and sugared them for everyone. He didn't swear; didn't drink. He did have a couple that evening with his best friend who he hadn't seen for a long time, but came in hours earlier than usual and wasn't mean. Since that day, he has not had anything to drink.
On the Sunday, he was a family man. He did some pre-birth exercises with me for the first time, and we did a pre-birth fear-clearing and relaxation session in the evening (we're doing a Hypnobabies course, so that's when we sit down, and write down any fears about the birth, and then listen to a special CD to help take the fears away). He was so willing to do that, I was shocked. Pleasant, kind, courteous... There was some emotion - some light there in his eyes as well, which I found quite amazing really.
I've seen him "act good" before and this is different. For one thing, "playing" good has never lasted this long. He's been kind to the children; no swearing at them. he's been a good father for almost a week straight - something I haven't seen him do since before the relapse. He's been quieter, not so dramatic, willing to join in activities.
He has EVEN been kind in the morning - times I used to dread because he'd be walking about after waking up swearing at the animals, talking to himself in this insane way, every single morning. He hasn't done that at all since last week. A whole week of hearing him walking about in the morning by himself, talking to the cats and petting them, humming, making coffee...
Anyway so, yes, that's where we are. It's quite normal. I wouldn't pay any attention if this "change" were a forced one, but he seems so...docile... So willing to be kind and helpful to his family; to be welcoming to this baby...
I'm not sure if the counseling session had anything to do with this enormous, 24/7 behavioral change, or if it was the ultimatum, the things in the car or a combination of everything, but things have been really better - he's been communicating as he speaks. Something I have not seen him do in gosh...well over a year.
So maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is a sign that perhaps not all is lost as I had assumed. I feel ready to bring this child into the world now, without fear. Certainly, our situation is MUCH better than when I first wrote - MUCH better.
Life is so strange sometimes... My stuff is still in my trunk, but perhaps at some point not too long from now, I can take it back out and put it in the drawers... I don't know. I will continue to update
Thank you all for reading (I know, it's long!) and for your awesome support! Xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello opus-
it is not uncommon for an alcoholic to act another way when they are threatened with losing their enabler. i know you are hopeful that this is a real change, but that's not how alcoholism works, dear one.
when confronted with your leaving, he suddenly becomes docile. in most cases, once he has you back under his thumb, he will return to who he actually is.
it is also unlikely that one counseling session would sort out alcoholism and its underlying emotional problems.
you take care of yourself, whatever he does. i just don't want you to be surpised or conned by this latest turn of events. it probably won't last long.
naive
it is not uncommon for an alcoholic to act another way when they are threatened with losing their enabler. i know you are hopeful that this is a real change, but that's not how alcoholism works, dear one.
when confronted with your leaving, he suddenly becomes docile. in most cases, once he has you back under his thumb, he will return to who he actually is.
it is also unlikely that one counseling session would sort out alcoholism and its underlying emotional problems.
you take care of yourself, whatever he does. i just don't want you to be surpised or conned by this latest turn of events. it probably won't last long.
naive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 19
I'm thinking the same thing. But, I've left before, and his behavior this time is rather different. It's kinda nice to see him as he was before this relapse, that's for sure! It's a nice reminder that underneath all that pain and hatred and negative emotion, there's a sensitive, caring person. That is a good thing, no matter what.
But hey, as I said, my bags are still in the car! The main priority now is the little one. It also feels good to be calm about the birth. It'd be so nice - if he is going to get completely crazy again - if he'd just wait until after the birth to do so, since there are SO many psychological aspects involved in birth.
Honestly, my main priority at this stage is the BIRTH of my baby - and having a beautiful, peaceful birthing.
We'll cross the rest of the bridges when we come to them, I suppose!
Plus actually if I end up leaving, I have so many wonderful resources and so many great friends that I'm not worried any more at all I think that's good too!
But hey, as I said, my bags are still in the car! The main priority now is the little one. It also feels good to be calm about the birth. It'd be so nice - if he is going to get completely crazy again - if he'd just wait until after the birth to do so, since there are SO many psychological aspects involved in birth.
Honestly, my main priority at this stage is the BIRTH of my baby - and having a beautiful, peaceful birthing. We'll cross the rest of the bridges when we come to them, I suppose!
Plus actually if I end up leaving, I have so many wonderful resources and so many great friends that I'm not worried any more at all
I think that's good too! Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Wow, Opus, I'm in awe of you for dealing with all this crap while 37 weeks preggo. And YAY for Hypnobabies!!! I used it too and it helped tremendously with calming me fears (and the stress I felt over XAH's drinking).
I do hope that the calm lasts until baby makes his/her appearance, and you're totally right to focus on you/baby.
I'll wait a few weeks and virtually send you many eeeeeeasy labor vibes
I do hope that the calm lasts until baby makes his/her appearance, and you're totally right to focus on you/baby.
I'll wait a few weeks and virtually send you many eeeeeeasy labor vibes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 19
Thanks Hypnobabies is great! Yep, all I need him to do is take one day at a time, and go to his next counseling session, and to NOT make an idiot out of himself or cause anyone stress until this baby is born!
My anxiety level has gone down SO much since first posting here though, seriously. That's the main thing, right? I'm able to detach and go into my "bubble of peace" (remember that thing?) at any time and it feels so great! I have a doc's appointment today at 3.30pm, so we shall see how I am progressing.
All in all, it's about baby. I can't wait until she's here Anyone try to cross me then, and mama's gonna get the big guns out!
Hypnobabies is great! Yep, all I need him to do is take one day at a time, and go to his next counseling session, and to NOT make an idiot out of himself or cause anyone stress until this baby is born!My anxiety level has gone down SO much since first posting here though, seriously. That's the main thing, right? I'm able to detach and go into my "bubble of peace" (remember that thing?) at any time and it feels so great! I have a doc's appointment today at 3.30pm, so we shall see how I am progressing.
All in all, it's about baby. I can't wait until she's here
Anyone try to cross me then, and mama's gonna get the big guns out! Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hehe, I'm laughing to myself imagining a pregnant woman in her 3rd trimester lugging around 2 AK-47's, preparing to defend her cub
And yah, if he acts like a moron, go to your "Special place" and vocalize for all you're worth (he'll think you've got batty and hopefully leave you alone!). As my prenatal yoga teacher told me, "An open and relaxed mouth while vocalizing means an open and relaxed hoohoo while in labor" lol...gotta love that
And yah, if he acts like a moron, go to your "Special place" and vocalize for all you're worth (he'll think you've got batty and hopefully leave you alone!). As my prenatal yoga teacher told me, "An open and relaxed mouth while vocalizing means an open and relaxed hoohoo while in labor" lol...gotta love that
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hi Opus.
I agree with Naive. I doubt it is a lasting change, based on my experience, but stay safe and focus on yourself and the baby.
I hope you have a good time over the holidays.
I agree with Naive. I doubt it is a lasting change, based on my experience, but stay safe and focus on yourself and the baby.
I hope you have a good time over the holidays.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 19
Still all good here today Going to bake cookies and give the kitchen a deep clean...
Actually it's nice to have the freedom to feel festive! I mean really festive, without any focus on having to "detach" - it's so nice.
Going to bake cookies and give the kitchen a deep clean...Actually it's nice to have the freedom to feel festive! I mean really festive, without any focus on having to "detach" - it's so nice.
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