XAH starts to lose interest
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
XAH starts to lose interest
SR friends, I need your input, especially from those who have had to continue having contact with their A for the sake of children.
As life goes on, I think XAH is starting to realize that there's very little room in his life for a young toddler, especially as he is now struggling to pick up the parenting of his son which I used to help a lot with. I tried to tell him just this, but he was unable to be honest and accept the fact that he doesn't really want to be a full-time dad...he'd rather just be the "fun week-end dad" for half a day, and then go on playing his videogames and drinking with his buddies.
Ideas anyone?
- For those of you who don't remember my saga, here it is in short form:
- Left my XAH 2 months ago, due to his drinking and verbal abuse.
- Our separation was "amicable" at first, because I left XAH keep pretty much everything AND he thought he was going to get joint custody when DD turned 24 months.
- I started to have doubts about joint custody based on XAH's previous uninvolvement with DD as well as his drinking, and expressed these doubts in mediation.
- XAH turned around and claimed he got himself a lawyer from the League of Fathers or something, and told me he'd sue for sole custody (based on my supposed mental instability) and take my daughter to another province with him.
- We did mediation 3 times and things seemed to have progressed; I told XAH I'd consider joint custody but on a gradual basis, based on DD's reaction. We have yet to return due to the holiday lull.
- So far, I've been taking DD to see XAH twice a week, one evening for 2 hours and one week-end day for about 4 hours.
- Since that fateful mediation appointment (the 3rd I believe), there is NO alcohol in sight during visits (none in the fridge, no empties hanging around, XAH drinks water when I am there, and I've only left DD with him for 60 minutes at the most). Also, XAH is very attentive to DD and parents her better than he ever did while we were together...
- XAH USED to make noise about wanting DD over for longer periods, but for some weird reason, it never happened. Everytime DD is there, I'm also present, at least for most of the visit, and as soon as DD starts to get fussy, XAH suggests that I take her home.
- So far, XAH has skipped two visits, for "health" reasons, and though he used to make lots of noise about *needing* to see DD for 10 hours a week at least, he's not making a big deal when he misses a visit. It should be noted that the visits he missed were those where HE had to pick her up from daycare and not the ones where I drove her over and drove her back.
As life goes on, I think XAH is starting to realize that there's very little room in his life for a young toddler, especially as he is now struggling to pick up the parenting of his son which I used to help a lot with. I tried to tell him just this, but he was unable to be honest and accept the fact that he doesn't really want to be a full-time dad...he'd rather just be the "fun week-end dad" for half a day, and then go on playing his videogames and drinking with his buddies.
Ideas anyone?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
if it was me, i'd want the agreement formalized.
i would also have in the agreement that he collects DD.
if you are willing to negotiate on child support, perhaps in the next mediation, say you are willing to forego child support if he gives you full custody and also agree to visitation where he comes and gets DD.
if your hunch is right, he'll fade away in time.
mine has 2 children we fought hard for visitation rights. as he drinks more, he misses his phone calls, misses his flights, can't get the cash together....well, you get the picture.
i would also have in the agreement that he collects DD.
if you are willing to negotiate on child support, perhaps in the next mediation, say you are willing to forego child support if he gives you full custody and also agree to visitation where he comes and gets DD.
if your hunch is right, he'll fade away in time.
mine has 2 children we fought hard for visitation rights. as he drinks more, he misses his phone calls, misses his flights, can't get the cash together....well, you get the picture.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm not sure. I'm also trying to decide what to push for (different details but same thing with divorce/visitation/etc).
My counselor told me to write lists of what I want, what I need, what I'm afraid of. Only you can make that decision based on those lists, how afraid you are, how likely those fears are of coming true, etc.
Where I live the issue of child support can be re-addressed if there is a dramatic change in circumstance or every 3 years.
Also document every last detail.
My counselor told me to write lists of what I want, what I need, what I'm afraid of. Only you can make that decision based on those lists, how afraid you are, how likely those fears are of coming true, etc.
Where I live the issue of child support can be re-addressed if there is a dramatic change in circumstance or every 3 years.
Also document every last detail.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
well, what I have done for the pas 2 years since I left AH is left things unofficial. He too lost interest in this custody thing. I also noticed that supervised visits (I would come to his place with the boys or he would come to my place) were in fact excuses to spend time with me so he had little interest to see the kids on their own. Time is playing in my favour because the statu quo has now lasted more than 2 years, the kids are thriving with me and if he suddenly decided to go for full or half custody, the judge would not agree to change in a significant way the kids' healthy and stable lifestyle I provide for them....
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Why are you the one making all the effort here? (asked as gently as possible)and then also under his control as when you leave...ie the baby is fussy so off you go.
It seems to me that if he wants to see his kid he needs to man up and make the effort.
Since you asked, I would make everything legal and get child support. Why does he not need to be financially responsible for his baby? You might not need it now, but it is for your child and since it is for baby you could wisely invest it for the future.
It seems to me that if he wants to see his kid he needs to man up and make the effort.
Since you asked, I would make everything legal and get child support. Why does he not need to be financially responsible for his baby? You might not need it now, but it is for your child and since it is for baby you could wisely invest it for the future.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I tend to agree with Bucyn and just document for awhile....document everything. If you push for a formal agreement now you may not have enough ammunition to get the custody arrangement you seek. Although maybe I'm not understanding... is this just like a 'separation agreement', not related to the final divorce judgement? Or are you talking about hammering out a final divorce settlement now? Sorry.
Just remember that you and your daughter will have to live with the arrangement for a LONG time -- "play the tape loop all the way to the end!"
Just remember that you and your daughter will have to live with the arrangement for a LONG time -- "play the tape loop all the way to the end!"
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
How interested was he in the child before you left him? Not much from what you have said previously. He was using your very valid fears of leaving or sharing custody of a toddler with an active A and using them to try and force you to come back to him. He will lose interest now that he realizes that it won't work.
My exah did the same thing, our son was 13 and he made all sorts of noise about wanting joint 50/50 custody. Now he does not even exercise the time he was awarded, I do 85% of the parenting.
My son is 15 now and I will be the one who buys him his first razor and teaches him how to shave. Why? Because the A has not even noticed that DS needs to shave now.
My exah did the same thing, our son was 13 and he made all sorts of noise about wanting joint 50/50 custody. Now he does not even exercise the time he was awarded, I do 85% of the parenting.
My son is 15 now and I will be the one who buys him his first razor and teaches him how to shave. Why? Because the A has not even noticed that DS needs to shave now.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Bucyn 
I'd document all the time. He's averaging 6 hours a week, and asking you to take her home, and almost none of that time is spent alone with her. He's skipped two visits. He's losing interest.
Just let him lose interest, and document that he isn't really interested in 10 hours a week. As he misses more and more visits, it will show a trend that may be of interest to the judge.
Just quietly keep on what you are doing and document.
Just let him lose interest, and document that he isn't really interested in 10 hours a week. As he misses more and more visits, it will show a trend that may be of interest to the judge.
Just quietly keep on what you are doing and document.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
If you give that man enough rope he will hang himself with it. And that is a good thing for your daughters sake and for safety's sake.
Document document document. And say nothing to him about anything. Let the lawyers handle it.
It really is in the best interest of your child not to do anything that would force her to have a relationship with him. Be smart. Don't enable him. Please. Let him do what he wants to do and document document document.
Document document document. And say nothing to him about anything. Let the lawyers handle it.
It really is in the best interest of your child not to do anything that would force her to have a relationship with him. Be smart. Don't enable him. Please. Let him do what he wants to do and document document document.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Hmmm where's the smiley that looks like a devious Mr. Burns, rubbing his hands, saying "Excellent!"?
That's sort of how I feel right now, and surprisingly, it gives me no joy.
Lucy...thanks for your input. I do think that leaving things as is is "ok" for now, but a lawyer I spoke to told me that the whole status quo thing doesn't apply for custody now (or perhaps this is just Canada). Apparently, custody can be changed every 3 months based on new information...This is what gives me pause...
Chrysalis...I had been making all the efforts until now, to help foster a relationship between my daughter and her father. A judge I consulted told me it was good that I kept the visitation going, and that I was there to supervise. Lately though, I've been very busy and tired, and the times where XAH had to pick DD up resulted in cancelling the visits altogether. It's only happened twice so far, but I'll keep documenting to see if it happens again. If I were to make all this legal, I KNOW XAH would want to have it in writing that he gets shared custody as of 24 months. I think that right now he doesn't want DD, but in his mind, once she's 24 months old, she'll be an "easy toddler" and then he thinks he'll want her. And knowing him, if he gets shared custody, even if he can't handle it and DD suffers for it, he'll take it anyhow, just out of pride. Also, I'm concerned that if I try to make this whole arrangement legal, even if XAH doesn't get shared custody, the judge may award him more visitation than what he currently has, which I feel would be detrimental to DD. She struggles with that one weeknight visit...I can't imagine having to subject her to more.
tjp...what we're trying to hammer out in mediation is the custody agreement, which would be included in the final divorce settlement. The financial aspect of our divorce is relatively simple: we have nothing together to separate. The sole point of contention is custody (and little does XAH realize, child support). He also doesn't realize that filing for divorce is going to cost money; if he knew that there are court filing fees involved, I think he'd balk even more and try to get ME to pay for his fees since he's dirt poor as it is now.
That's sort of how I feel right now, and surprisingly, it gives me no joy.
Lucy...thanks for your input. I do think that leaving things as is is "ok" for now, but a lawyer I spoke to told me that the whole status quo thing doesn't apply for custody now (or perhaps this is just Canada). Apparently, custody can be changed every 3 months based on new information...This is what gives me pause...
Chrysalis...I had been making all the efforts until now, to help foster a relationship between my daughter and her father. A judge I consulted told me it was good that I kept the visitation going, and that I was there to supervise. Lately though, I've been very busy and tired, and the times where XAH had to pick DD up resulted in cancelling the visits altogether. It's only happened twice so far, but I'll keep documenting to see if it happens again. If I were to make all this legal, I KNOW XAH would want to have it in writing that he gets shared custody as of 24 months. I think that right now he doesn't want DD, but in his mind, once she's 24 months old, she'll be an "easy toddler" and then he thinks he'll want her. And knowing him, if he gets shared custody, even if he can't handle it and DD suffers for it, he'll take it anyhow, just out of pride. Also, I'm concerned that if I try to make this whole arrangement legal, even if XAH doesn't get shared custody, the judge may award him more visitation than what he currently has, which I feel would be detrimental to DD. She struggles with that one weeknight visit...I can't imagine having to subject her to more.
tjp...what we're trying to hammer out in mediation is the custody agreement, which would be included in the final divorce settlement. The financial aspect of our divorce is relatively simple: we have nothing together to separate. The sole point of contention is custody (and little does XAH realize, child support). He also doesn't realize that filing for divorce is going to cost money; if he knew that there are court filing fees involved, I think he'd balk even more and try to get ME to pay for his fees since he's dirt poor as it is now.
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