Son's addiction
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Son's addiction
I was so happy to find this site again. Just recently my son signed himself into a drug rehab. He stayed 5 days don't think it was long enough. I would like to say I was truly surprised but I wasn't what I was surprised at was the extent of his problem. Didn't think it was so. Now I'm crazed. I did go to a naranon meeting which was very helpful but I can't help feeling hurt, angry and used. Now I am worried everytime he leaves the house. He has been living with us since June. At the time we believed it was so that he could save money get on his feet etc.. (he's 28) now it seems it was just so he could use his $$ to buy more drugs and live his druggy life. Thanks for listening any advice would be so so helpfu.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
welcome jacksdaughter. you have truly come to the right place. hang around here and people will be sharing their ESH in a situation just as yours.
If you are a reader, there are many good stickies at the top of this forum with also a list of books that many of us have found to be not only helpful but lifesavers as well.
As far as your being surprised about the extent of his problem, that is very common. The nature of addiction is to hide the details of it. Many of us have had to come to the conclusion that our loved one has a drug/alcohol problem because of the signs and symptoms only. I myself have not seen my AS partake of drugs/alcohol all that much - in fact, my oldest son really cannot believe that his younger brother has a drug or alcohol problem - he's pretty sure that his brother as a problem with laziness or immaturity. But my conclusion that this AS has a problem comes from all the signs and symptoms that i have seen.
Stick around not only for yourself but for the sake of your son and the rest of your family. There's a lot of ESH (experience, strength, hope) here for you. The feelings you are experiencing right now are very normal - we have all had them. But you will find that they will become less large in your life as time goes by and especially as you embrace your own recovery - trust me on that one.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it.
If you are a reader, there are many good stickies at the top of this forum with also a list of books that many of us have found to be not only helpful but lifesavers as well.
As far as your being surprised about the extent of his problem, that is very common. The nature of addiction is to hide the details of it. Many of us have had to come to the conclusion that our loved one has a drug/alcohol problem because of the signs and symptoms only. I myself have not seen my AS partake of drugs/alcohol all that much - in fact, my oldest son really cannot believe that his younger brother has a drug or alcohol problem - he's pretty sure that his brother as a problem with laziness or immaturity. But my conclusion that this AS has a problem comes from all the signs and symptoms that i have seen.
Stick around not only for yourself but for the sake of your son and the rest of your family. There's a lot of ESH (experience, strength, hope) here for you. The feelings you are experiencing right now are very normal - we have all had them. But you will find that they will become less large in your life as time goes by and especially as you embrace your own recovery - trust me on that one.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Its just so much harder than I expected. Everytime I even talk to him I get so emotionally upset. I did tell him if he starts using again he will have to get a new roof over his head. Feel so stupid ...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, i''m glad you found us again too. i'm sorry about your son and i pray that he continues with his recovery this time. i think you've set a good boundary for yoorself by telling him you will not allow addiction to live in your home.
for me, it took for my family to step away and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own actions for me to see just how out of control my life had become before i got serious about recovery. i'm grateful to them and today i'm clean for a few yrs now. i don't know where i would be if they had not done that.
i believe as long as an addict have all their needs provided for, then like you said, all they have to worry about is how to supply their drug habit. btw, i don't think you were stupid, you were doing what most good parents do to help their kids and usually an addicted won't tell you the extent of their addiction. so try not to beat yourself up. you were just caught off guard like a lot of us has. you and your family are in my prayers.
for me, it took for my family to step away and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own actions for me to see just how out of control my life had become before i got serious about recovery. i'm grateful to them and today i'm clean for a few yrs now. i don't know where i would be if they had not done that.
i believe as long as an addict have all their needs provided for, then like you said, all they have to worry about is how to supply their drug habit. btw, i don't think you were stupid, you were doing what most good parents do to help their kids and usually an addicted won't tell you the extent of their addiction. so try not to beat yourself up. you were just caught off guard like a lot of us has. you and your family are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm like ((Teke)) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) and my family let me fall on my face and figure out how to pick myself back up, and I will forever be grateful. Had they given me a place to stay, food to eat, etc. while I was using, I'd probably still be using.
We A's (addicts) are sneaky and manipulative. We will hide and protect our addiction at any cost. We don't do this to hurt our loved ones...we really don't. It has nothing to do with you...it's just that using is all we can think of. For me, when I would do something that I knew would have consequences down the road, I'd just think "I'll deal with that later...when I get clean" and keep on using.
I also have loved ones who are A's and I'm a recovering codie. I know both sides of addiction, and they're both tough. Even knowing how I thought, as an A, it's hard to watch my loved on do things, and step back. However, with the great people here, I've learned a lot and am much better at it.
I don't know what your son's DOC (drug of choice) is, but some A's will steal whatever they can to sell for dope. Please keep this in mind while he is in your house, or even if he leaves your house...if he still has a key.` When addiction is involved, you can pretty much whipe out the thought of saying "my son would NEVER do that"...I did things I never thought I'd do.
I'm not trying to bring you down...I just want you to be aware of where addiction leads. The more you know about it, the more you can reach out for support and learn to set boundaries...focus on yourself, and let him do what he's going to do, because he is, anyway.
Facing consequences of my using is what led to me hitting bottom, as it is for most addicts. Realizing that my family went on with their life, gave me something that I wanted to be part of, again, once I got into recovery and the fog lifted from my brain.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We A's (addicts) are sneaky and manipulative. We will hide and protect our addiction at any cost. We don't do this to hurt our loved ones...we really don't. It has nothing to do with you...it's just that using is all we can think of. For me, when I would do something that I knew would have consequences down the road, I'd just think "I'll deal with that later...when I get clean" and keep on using.
I also have loved ones who are A's and I'm a recovering codie. I know both sides of addiction, and they're both tough. Even knowing how I thought, as an A, it's hard to watch my loved on do things, and step back. However, with the great people here, I've learned a lot and am much better at it.
I don't know what your son's DOC (drug of choice) is, but some A's will steal whatever they can to sell for dope. Please keep this in mind while he is in your house, or even if he leaves your house...if he still has a key.` When addiction is involved, you can pretty much whipe out the thought of saying "my son would NEVER do that"...I did things I never thought I'd do.
I'm not trying to bring you down...I just want you to be aware of where addiction leads. The more you know about it, the more you can reach out for support and learn to set boundaries...focus on yourself, and let him do what he's going to do, because he is, anyway.
Facing consequences of my using is what led to me hitting bottom, as it is for most addicts. Realizing that my family went on with their life, gave me something that I wanted to be part of, again, once I got into recovery and the fog lifted from my brain.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
Thank you thank you everyone. His drug of choice was oxy... and I don't think he is seriuos about his recovery. He hasn't gone to a meeting in a week he was with his hold friends all weekend. He is due home tonight I can kinda tell now by looking at him but I think it's time he gets his own place. Maybe then ??? who knows. I will continue following all your really good advice and go to my naranon meetings. It keeps me from crying eveyday and I figure that's a good thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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28 years old is way too old to be living with parents. Just remember that love bangs the door shut as well as opens.
I'm sure you realize that when your son embraces recovery, he's going to have to dig in for the long haul, he's going to have to really focus on how to learn to live without his DOC.
But the parallel is here for you, too. In your recovery from your son's problems, you have to dig in for the long haul. You have to really focus on how to learn to survive and thrive even though your son is floundering. You have to learn how to not hang your happiness on the most dysfunctional people around you. So keep coming back here because we are a group of people who are learning, and have learned, how to do that ourselves.
I'm sure you realize that when your son embraces recovery, he's going to have to dig in for the long haul, he's going to have to really focus on how to learn to live without his DOC.
But the parallel is here for you, too. In your recovery from your son's problems, you have to dig in for the long haul. You have to really focus on how to learn to survive and thrive even though your son is floundering. You have to learn how to not hang your happiness on the most dysfunctional people around you. So keep coming back here because we are a group of people who are learning, and have learned, how to do that ourselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: mays landing nj
Posts: 168
You're right 28 is too old. He was on his own for abour 4 years then moved in with us. I thought it was to regroup save etc... now I know that wan't it at all. you're right I have to learn not to hang my happiness on the most dysfuntional which is probably a bad habit of mine.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I too have made the mistake of allowing my son back in to regroup. But dealing with addiction requires us to be counterintuitive - and that means many of our friends and family are going to think we are "mean." But i for one have reached the point where i am doing what i'm doing because my son's life is at stake - whether family or friends agree with that or not I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK. and i'm also doing it because i will not live with untreated, active addiction is my everyday life because my life is also at stake here - not my physical life but my mental, emotional, and spiritual life. And as a child of God, i am responsible to protect the spiritual life i have been granted.
hope that helps....
hope that helps....
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I agree with all the above 100%.
Please keep going to the meetings. Even if you don't feel like they are working at first. Work the program and it will help you. Give it a chance.
As for whether he's using or not trust your gut. If he is it will become clear, they are able to hide it to an extent but those little signs will tell otherwise. Your going to know & when you've had enough of it you'll know that too.
I know how you feel, we all do.
Hang in there.
Teggie
Please keep going to the meetings. Even if you don't feel like they are working at first. Work the program and it will help you. Give it a chance.
As for whether he's using or not trust your gut. If he is it will become clear, they are able to hide it to an extent but those little signs will tell otherwise. Your going to know & when you've had enough of it you'll know that too.
I know how you feel, we all do.
Hang in there.
Teggie
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by jacksdaughter 
......can't help feeling hurt, angry and used. Now I am worried everytime he leaves the house.
It took me quite some time to realize that I, not my daughter, was the source of my own hurt, anger and used emotions.
It was my own expectations of her that caused me hurt when she did not do as I though she should do. And sometimes this made me mad. I felt like a tool being used by her until I accepted that she treats me the way I allow her to do.
As for the worry part, well that goes along with being a mama. Heck, I would worry no matter what was going on and I own it. It's my issue.
Regardless of what he's putting into his body, or not, does it make sense to give him a 30-60 deadline to find someplace else to live? In the meantime, guard your valuables, with an emphasis on anything that can be easily hocked and credit cards, ATM cards, library cards and checks, including those in the middle of the deck.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SS)) - though I know your son is doing GREAT after long term rehab, I have to say that it doesn't work unless the A is READY for it work...and obviously your son was.
It is, by far, one of the best ways to build a strong foundation of recovery, to learn the tools. However, it's up to the A to continue using those tools.
I didn't go to rehab, but I wanted recovery bad enough to find the support I needed. My XABF went into a TWO year program...years ago. He never got it and died earlier this month.
(((Jacksdaughter)) - I point this out, only to remind you that it's up to your son to WANT recovery, and facing consequences, finding out that life as an addict isn't all he thinks it is now, is a good way to get to the point where he wants recovery more than he wants addiction.
I hope he DOES choose rehab. It will give him time to focus on himself and his recovery....the longer the better. It's not a magic cure, though, and doesn't always work the first time. I had been in AA for several months before going "back out" and I don't go to meetings, today, but I still USE what I learned there...every single day.
Rehab, meetings, etc. plants the seeds. It's up to HIM to nurture those seeds, to help them grow by learning new recovery behaviors. He can do it much easier if he is allowed to face consequences (like "you use, you can't live in our house, which is a boundary; or "you use, and we will not give you money", you get lockd up, we will not bail you out". With this, you've stated what you will and will not tolerate...he has a choice on whether or not he wants to follow the rules.
You're not making him leave...he's CHOOSING to leave by not following the "rules of the house".
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It is, by far, one of the best ways to build a strong foundation of recovery, to learn the tools. However, it's up to the A to continue using those tools.
I didn't go to rehab, but I wanted recovery bad enough to find the support I needed. My XABF went into a TWO year program...years ago. He never got it and died earlier this month.
(((Jacksdaughter)) - I point this out, only to remind you that it's up to your son to WANT recovery, and facing consequences, finding out that life as an addict isn't all he thinks it is now, is a good way to get to the point where he wants recovery more than he wants addiction.
I hope he DOES choose rehab. It will give him time to focus on himself and his recovery....the longer the better. It's not a magic cure, though, and doesn't always work the first time. I had been in AA for several months before going "back out" and I don't go to meetings, today, but I still USE what I learned there...every single day.
Rehab, meetings, etc. plants the seeds. It's up to HIM to nurture those seeds, to help them grow by learning new recovery behaviors. He can do it much easier if he is allowed to face consequences (like "you use, you can't live in our house, which is a boundary; or "you use, and we will not give you money", you get lockd up, we will not bail you out". With this, you've stated what you will and will not tolerate...he has a choice on whether or not he wants to follow the rules.
You're not making him leave...he's CHOOSING to leave by not following the "rules of the house".
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" ((SS)) - though I know your son is doing GREAT after long term rehab, I have to say that it doesn't work unless the A is READY for it work...and obviously your son was. "
FYI - my son wasn't ready actually...I had been nagging him to go to rehab for 3 yrs. and on the night before he went I told him if he didn't go the next day that I would never offer to pay for rehab again. That I was done.
He was at a low point on that given day being unable to hold a job or find a new on and his girlfriend had kicked him out.
I got him to rehab but then He got kicked out of the rehab after two mos. for not being serious about his sobriety
Luckily, after spending a couple of nights in the parking lot of a homeless shelter that was too full for him, He decided to go back
Luckily the rehab took him back .
He was not ready when he got to rehab...but while there because he had no where else to go, he decided to stay. But it was a rocky road. He relapsed a couple of times in rehab. Getting him to go just put him in a place to start the climb up...
My son only decided to to give sobriety a try after he'd been in rehab for about 5 months.
Which is the case for others, I am sure.
I just got back from visiting him. Some who crossed his path in long-term rehab are still sober others are not.
Some are doing very well while some struggle
Addiction is cunning. My hat is off to all addicts who chooses sobriety each day.
FYI - my son wasn't ready actually...I had been nagging him to go to rehab for 3 yrs. and on the night before he went I told him if he didn't go the next day that I would never offer to pay for rehab again. That I was done.
He was at a low point on that given day being unable to hold a job or find a new on and his girlfriend had kicked him out.
I got him to rehab but then He got kicked out of the rehab after two mos. for not being serious about his sobriety
Luckily, after spending a couple of nights in the parking lot of a homeless shelter that was too full for him, He decided to go back
Luckily the rehab took him back .
He was not ready when he got to rehab...but while there because he had no where else to go, he decided to stay. But it was a rocky road. He relapsed a couple of times in rehab. Getting him to go just put him in a place to start the climb up...
My son only decided to to give sobriety a try after he'd been in rehab for about 5 months.
Which is the case for others, I am sure.
I just got back from visiting him. Some who crossed his path in long-term rehab are still sober others are not.
Some are doing very well while some struggle
Addiction is cunning. My hat is off to all addicts who chooses sobriety each day.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My son is still not ready to go back to college and admits he just needs to learn how to live life, pay bills, maintain his apt. , hold down his job,
learn to save money etc. Baby steps even tho he is 25.
When I first learned my son was an addict 7 yrs ago, I had no idea about the struggle it takes to get and maintain sobriety.
I definitely have compassion for him and others who suffer this fate.
learn to save money etc. Baby steps even tho he is 25.
When I first learned my son was an addict 7 yrs ago, I had no idea about the struggle it takes to get and maintain sobriety.
I definitely have compassion for him and others who suffer this fate.
Lots of good posts here -- thanks to all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((SS))) - you have a good point...some aren't ready when they enter rehab, but find that willingness while they are there, and the longer they are in rehab, the better chances they have.
Each A has their own bottom, I believe. I also believe that the faster they are made to face the consequences, which most of the times means the family says "enough!!!" and stops giving us places to stay, money to keep us out of jail, etc., the better chance we have at finding that bottom. Sadly, some never get to that bottom, but there are so many of us that do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Each A has their own bottom, I believe. I also believe that the faster they are made to face the consequences, which most of the times means the family says "enough!!!" and stops giving us places to stay, money to keep us out of jail, etc., the better chance we have at finding that bottom. Sadly, some never get to that bottom, but there are so many of us that do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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