heavenlyone

Don't talk to me when you've been drinking.

Don't talk to me when you've been smoking.

I don't want to be around you when you've been drinking or smoking.


Now, to me, that seems very clear cut and easy to understand. Does he just not want to understand? Or does he just not give a flying crap about what I ask for. Actually, I already know the answer but it's like hitting my head against a brick wall....HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS TO YOU - YOU INSANE, SELFISH MAN!!!

Lotus2009

Sorry you're so frustrated!! Take a deep breath

I know exactly how you feel... drives me crazy... especially if he gets mad at me for telling him that I don't want to talk, walks away, and then 2 minutes later comes back and it all starts over again, because in his stupor he forgot what just happened!!!

I now walk away from him (if possible, i.e. lock the bedroom door), if he starts bugging me when drunk (one of my new boundaries - still sometimes let him get to me before I walk away, but babysteps... I'm getting much better at it)!

KeepPedaling

It must be so hard to be living in that situation. I didn't live with my xabf, so I've never really had to deal with him drunk in person - only once in person, the rest was on the phone. I remember growing up though, my dad was a nightmare - angry drinker. I hated being around him when he was drinking, hated it. I could shut the door but I could still hear his raging around the house. I couldn't ever really relax.

Big huge hugs for you both. Hang in there!

heavenlyone

It's like a joke really, having to communicate with an alcoholic.

In his last pitch attempt to "save" the "relationship" he said he'd pick me up and take me to breakfast and then drop me to work. Did I hear from him? Of course not!( Well, actually...I did later but he said 'I never said I'd take you to breakfast"....perhaps if your brain cells weren't so fried you'd have an idea what was going on in reality mate)

So, instead, I rode my bicycle to work with some very, loud and angry music on my ipod.

My mistake was that I believed him a little this time. When you believe them a little that's when you get disappointed. I thought I'd learnt my lesson by now. Silly old me

WizeDeb

It was always hard for me to understand why they dont hear us. Remember they are so pickled in their brains they are lucky they can put their pants on in the morning. Might as well talk to the wall. I spent years and years saying the same things.

myawakening

This quote sums it up for me. Every one of these little disappointments chipped away at the love I had for him. By the time I left him...there was not much left of the love I once felt for him. I will always love him for the years we had and the children that came from those years...but the kind of love you should have for your spouse is long gone. It truly is sad...

naive

i gave up trying to communicate clearly with my xABF. for 6 months he asked, what do i have to do to save this relationship? i answered:

1. go to AA and work the steps.
2. quit working as a bouncer at the bar

for six months i said this. very clearly. after six months, he came to me in tears, asking

what do i have to do?

just crazy. i made the mistake of thinking that he was reasonable and coherent. now, i realize he lives in a different consciousness than i do and can't hear or take in simple data.

Still Waters

When we keep expecting something from people that they aren't capable of giving, who is the insane one really?

Us.

wanting

I don't understand "don't talk to me when you've been smoking." Are we talking about something other than cigarettes?

nodaybut2day

I think I feel the same way...I thought I had all the love and forgiveness in the world for my XAH, but after five years of continual disappointments and broken promises, my heart was empty, and there wasn't a thing either of us could do to revive the emotion. Sad, but inevitable considering what was done...

barb dwyer

I saw the title to this thread ...
and was just ... certain ... it was about me!


okay. Sorry. I'm having a goofy moment, apparently.

I don't think it's a matter of what you are saying, hon...
it's that he doesn't respect what you're saying.

Maybe it's a matter of follow through?

And it's already been stated that an alcoholic will NOT hear
anything other than what we WANT to hear
when the disease is doing the driving.

But it smacks of a control issue to me.
That he's showing that he's still got the control.
Alcoholics HATE losing control
.. er ... of others.

I oughta know.

heavenlyone

Thank you all. Your insight and experience is so valuable!!

Just to clarify, I was talking about smoking dope

Thumper

Addicts are a lot like toddlers. If they said it they mean it, unless they didn't or if they change their mind. Then they didn't say it. If you get in their way they have a tantrum. Cry, scream, kick, throw things - the whole nine yards. They want all their wants and needs met and have no idea how to do it on their own. Alcoholics take and give nothing back but they are not cute innocent little people like toddlers, which is the only thing keeping my toddlers in the house and not out on the curb with ah. My toddlers also grow up - sometimes making dramatic developmental leaps forward in just a couple of weeks. Ah goes in reverse.

I'm mean today. Sorry.

transformyself

This is great! You're turning the focus back on yourself. What helps me the most is if I also turn kindness onto myself and ask, "how can I be kind to myself about my own issues?" because that's when I can change them.

Anger is helpful, yes. It helped initially create much needed space to get away from AH and start to let some clarity and sanity seep in. But it won't keep you propelled on your path to recovery.

I think the second step is what to apply here:

"Came to beleve that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

Hope is a beautiful thing. Especially when I find out I don't have to do the figuring out stuff. Just believe.

ItsmeAlice

That's right, Thumper, if you don't have anything nice to say come sit by me!

I agree that it goes in one ear, sloshes around with the booze, and then slips right out the other ear. They only understand when things don't go way. The disregard us telling them it won't go there way, it just has to happen to them.

If he drinks around me, I will leave the room, the house, the state, leave the country whatever it takes to feel better. The same goes with his smoking dope, picking his nose, refusing to bathe, etc. etc. etc.

I won't tell him, I'll show him because he won't hear me talking, but he will see me walking.

Hugs,
Alice

naive

what a laugh i had re-reading this thread and the responses.

we have these men, who can't respect simple boundaries, who can't bathe themselves, who throw tantrums and then we have these fantastic, together women trying to make sense of their lunacy.

here's to us!

steve11694

A walking, talking carcass. Talking to a pet is much more rewarding.

Ives

They've created for themselves and live in an alternate reality, despite all of the evidence to the contrary - mine has no job, no career, no money, is virtually unemployable, no me, and barely any control over her life. But she's the victim......she has the unique situation and is so hard done by.......and it's everyone else's fault. She carefully has surrounded herself with her enabling friends. She could have become friends with some of the non alcoholic women who are married to many of my good hard working friends, but instead chooses to fraternize with losers. This is her world, this is the existence she has created for herself. Denial is a helluva thing. Anyone who does not enable her is the enemy - me, her parents, her family.....she has manipulated and turned her boy into an enabler.....he is too young to understand.

myawakening

Ives...they DO live in an alternate reality. One day while having dinner with my daughter she was telling me about a conversation with her father that made no sense at all. We compared stories and our story matched and his was way out there...as usual.

She looked at me and said "Dad is watching a movie that is only playing in HIS HEAD".

I thought that just about sums it up!!! :-)

Still Waters

Oh yes, exactly! My AH lives that movie.