Acceptance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Acceptance
Last night I took a trip through the past. I actually took a look at all the posts I have made through the years and the results were an eyeopener to say the least.
I saw the same thing happening over and over again, for years. The very definition of insanity. How much time and energy have I wasted trying to fix a unfixable problem? How dense am I? Why could'nt I see it for what it is? Why did I keep trying? Am I really such an idiot?
He's an addict, accept it.
He will keep using, accept it.
He will not change until he decides to, and he may very well die instead, accept it.
He is not the person he used to be, that person is gone, accept it.
No wonder I am this tired, frustrated spirit broken person. I am my own worst enemy. I broke down and greived for what is not & will not be.
Now I pray to God for the strength to do what I have to do. Finish the process of seperating him from my life. The painful process of reclaiming my soul. It hurts but I know I have to go through this.
No more one more time.
Teggie
I saw the same thing happening over and over again, for years. The very definition of insanity. How much time and energy have I wasted trying to fix a unfixable problem? How dense am I? Why could'nt I see it for what it is? Why did I keep trying? Am I really such an idiot?
He's an addict, accept it.
He will keep using, accept it.
He will not change until he decides to, and he may very well die instead, accept it.
He is not the person he used to be, that person is gone, accept it.
No wonder I am this tired, frustrated spirit broken person. I am my own worst enemy. I broke down and greived for what is not & will not be.
Now I pray to God for the strength to do what I have to do. Finish the process of seperating him from my life. The painful process of reclaiming my soul. It hurts but I know I have to go through this.
No more one more time.
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Teggie)))
I spent 20+ years with my FIRST XABF...developed my own addiction, went on to two MORE XABF's before I finally got into recovery for both my addiction and codie-ness, which are closely intertwined.
It does look like insanity, when we look back at it, but when we're in the thick of it, it's all we know. For me, it took reaching my bottom (on both accounts), stepping back and finding support to finally "get it" and find acceptance. I could beat myself up, thinking "what kind of idiot was I for wasting all those years" but I know that I'm not an idiot...I'm a codie. I didn't DO better because I didn't KNOW better and even though people tried to tell me, I wasn't ready to hear them.
If it weren't for people who had walked similar paths, struggled similar situations, I wouldn't have anyone who understood me, to help me on MY path. I'd like to think that MY struggles may help someone else, now. I didn't waste all those years...I learned a lot of lessons and it got me where I am today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I spent 20+ years with my FIRST XABF...developed my own addiction, went on to two MORE XABF's before I finally got into recovery for both my addiction and codie-ness, which are closely intertwined.
It does look like insanity, when we look back at it, but when we're in the thick of it, it's all we know. For me, it took reaching my bottom (on both accounts), stepping back and finding support to finally "get it" and find acceptance. I could beat myself up, thinking "what kind of idiot was I for wasting all those years" but I know that I'm not an idiot...I'm a codie. I didn't DO better because I didn't KNOW better and even though people tried to tell me, I wasn't ready to hear them.
If it weren't for people who had walked similar paths, struggled similar situations, I wouldn't have anyone who understood me, to help me on MY path. I'd like to think that MY struggles may help someone else, now. I didn't waste all those years...I learned a lot of lessons and it got me where I am today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with impurrfect. i spent 21yrs trying to learn to what you are accepting today/ it does get easier. keep putting one foot in front of the other one and you will get there and more than likely be a better you because of it.
rather than looking at it as time wasted, try thinking about the lessons you may have learned from it. i think all things happen for a reason. you are in my prayers.
rather than looking at it as time wasted, try thinking about the lessons you may have learned from it. i think all things happen for a reason. you are in my prayers.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It can be a painful process, but reclaiming your soul can only bring good things to come -Good for you! Don't waste time beating yourself up; just jump into creating the new life for Teggie that you so deserve!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thank you all, it's so helpful to be able to go somewhere and be understood.
He asked me today if we could talk. I said we had nothing to talk about. That we had already done this 1000 times before. He said he couldn't try to work things out if he didn't know what was going on. As if he doesn't already know? Geez..... I heard ducks quacking....
So I did what I do best. Set down and wrote him an enlightening email describing exactly what this is all about and how I was done dealing with his addiction. How he should congratulate his pills for driving his family away. How he should be happy that he doesn't have to try and hide it anymore. How he accused me of abandoning him when it was him abadoning us for the pills. How he needed to figure out how to pay for his truck, insurance and cellphone because I was not going to make it easy for him to persue his addiction anymore by covering his bills. How I loved him enough to let him go & put it in God's hands. Now he can't say I never told him what was going on.
It was quite cathartic actually and I felt a sense of releif to finally put down all I have kept bottled inside so long. Once I started it just came spewing out! All the things I could never say because he would take them & twist them around.
No more excuses, no more twisting my words, no more rationalizations. I call it my "Dear John" email.
Now it's off my conscience.
I feel better.
Teggie
He asked me today if we could talk. I said we had nothing to talk about. That we had already done this 1000 times before. He said he couldn't try to work things out if he didn't know what was going on. As if he doesn't already know? Geez..... I heard ducks quacking....
So I did what I do best. Set down and wrote him an enlightening email describing exactly what this is all about and how I was done dealing with his addiction. How he should congratulate his pills for driving his family away. How he should be happy that he doesn't have to try and hide it anymore. How he accused me of abandoning him when it was him abadoning us for the pills. How he needed to figure out how to pay for his truck, insurance and cellphone because I was not going to make it easy for him to persue his addiction anymore by covering his bills. How I loved him enough to let him go & put it in God's hands. Now he can't say I never told him what was going on.
It was quite cathartic actually and I felt a sense of releif to finally put down all I have kept bottled inside so long. Once I started it just came spewing out! All the things I could never say because he would take them & twist them around.
No more excuses, no more twisting my words, no more rationalizations. I call it my "Dear John" email.
Now it's off my conscience.
I feel better.
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Teggie))) - good for you!!! I also e-mail someone when I need them to HEAR me...talking just doesn't seem to do it...things seem to get off track, emotions take over, and the conversation ends up going in a totally different direction (at least in my case).
Stay firm in your boundaries, let him deal with his consequences, and move on with your life. You'll be amazed at how much more peaceful your life can be!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Stay firm in your boundaries, let him deal with his consequences, and move on with your life. You'll be amazed at how much more peaceful your life can be!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Good for you Teggie. It's not an easy road... but it sounds like you are ready and therefore you will make the journey. The peace is wonderful, however the grief I felt and still feel was shocking to me ... and unexpected. Didn't miss the chaos or pain in my life... but the pain of dealing with what never could be in that relationship and what I felt I had missed in that part of my life was huge.
That being said, this kind of pain is better than the other : )
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Seek out friends and keep talking... it will get better.
That being said, this kind of pain is better than the other : )
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Seek out friends and keep talking... it will get better.
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