thyme

hi, i know i havn't posted for a while , but am really worried about my parents, they are elderly, in there eighties, and my brother whom is an alcoholic is in my opinion trying to make out i don't care, mainly because i wasn't available to help my parents move house on the particular day my mother wanted to. I did help them a few days before hand, and they seemed ok with that and seemed to understand i wouldn't be available on the day, however my brother thought he could get one over on me, and phoned me on the day and said, why aren't you here to help, do you want to talk to mam? so what could i say but ok, so then mam said i didn't phone you, and i thought whats going on here. I said mam i thought you understood i couldn;t come over today, but all i got was well my backs aching and no i'm not allright. I should also say my father is completely deaf and cannot walk and really he cannot do anything and completely relies on my mam. now my parents didn't have to move , but my mam decided to buy a bungalow with the money from a will from my fathers cousin

barb dwyer

hi thyme -

can you move into the bungalow?

things are bustin out crazy all over, apparently.
the time of year doesn't help, either.

good to see you back, though!

thyme

hi , barb, thanks for your reply, but unfortunately i can't a nd don't want to move in with my parents, they are mad

thyme

i don't know what to do, my brother has spent the day with my parents, and my dad has ended up in hospital, he has fallen over drunk, he is 82 and my brother has got him drunk on vodka, he, my brother thinks this is entertainment, i can't make my mother see sense

Bernadette

i can't make my mother see sense

No - unfortunately we can't make anyone see anything! And it is very very frustrating and in this case - dangerous...but all you can do is apply your rational thinking tp the things you can change - If you've tried speaking to them all and they continue to choose this way of behaving then - unfortunately, what can you do? You could have the home checked by an elder abuse social worker maybe?

Tough situation thyme - very tough. My thoughts & prayers go out to you.

peace-
b

thyme

hello again, thanks to all who helped me in the past, just an update, well my dad died in early january, he never came home from hospital, and now my brother is slowly killing my mam. he has moved in with her, and is worse than ever now my dad is gone. hardly a day goes by without some drama. he is still drinking, and lying and is also addicted to pain killers, and in the last month has been calling ambulances to my mams house, saying he's in severe pain, he goes to hospital for maybe 4 days then the cycle starts again. my mother can't cope and blames me for not supporting her, but she won't listen to what i think. i lent her my book about co dependency, melodie beatty, but she can't be bothered to read it, she is so hysterical, and i feel sorry for her pain, but what can i do?

barb dwyer

hi (((thyme)))

Very sorry about your dad.
And also about the situation not being any better.

I don't have any advice
just a greeting and a welcome back.

Over here, in some areas at least,
there's adult action lines
you can call
if you suspect elderly abuse.

I know it's not technically a beatiing
but it's abusive, just the same
and a sibling draining her resources has to be an issue
immoral if not illegal.
and stressful.

Is there anything like that where you are?

The healthcare system over there
is an alien force altogether than here
where you only get healthcare if you pay for it.

I've a firend in Britan, though
whose father has alzheimer's.
he was put on some program
that deals with elderly issues,
and the alzheimer's branch was mixed in with that.

I will add you to the prayer list
meanwhile.

thyme

thanks barb, i can't see why the emergency services keep responding to him, it is really several times a week. my mother was walking home today, and saw ambulance with sirens on, and didn't imagine it was going to her house. how wrong she was, i suppose if he were in america he would have an enormous medical bill, maybe that would stop him

Learn2Live

I am so sorry thyme for your loss. And I am sorry to hear of the situation with your brother and mother. My brother also lives with my elderly parents and drinks every day. It is like a circus over there with all of his yelling and crazy-making. I worry about my parents and what they must be going through but I am powerless to do anything about it. I do my best to support them whatever way I can, but beyond that I have to accept that I can do no more. I just told my Mom the other day, when she was telling me about my brother, that if she feels afraid of him, she should call the police and let them handle him.

Take good care of yourself (((hugs)))

thyme

thanks learn 2 live, i appreciate your help and realise you are going through pretty much the same as me. my mam has called the police when she cannot cope, and they have put the ball back in her court, she has to be the one to tell him to leave, so then police phone me and say can brother come to you, i say no way , they accept that and apologise for disturbing me, then mother sulks, he then gets taken to hospital due to some stupid excuse he is in pain, he is addicted to pain killers, and the cycle starts again. she told him to leave and i wouldn't have him, so two hours later he came back, and said police had brought him back

Learn2Live

I have another brother who was addicted to prescription pain killers. For at least a decade, he and his wife would go from doctor to doctor to get pain pills. They both even had elective surgeries to get pain pills. When the doctor-hopping stopped (doctors eventually got smart to it) they forged prescriptions, stole drugs from work, etc. When he got busted for that, he started calling ambulances and going to hospital emergency departments in order to get painkillers. The bills for that just kept piling up (lucky me, he used MY address and phone number for all these ambulance rides and E.R. visits). At some point doing that must have become too cumbersome so he turned to street drugs. It was not until after he had been doing street drugs for a couple years, had spent every cent he had, and was virtually homeless, that he was forced to get clean. By that time I had cut him out of my life completely; I would not even answer the phone. It was hard but I had to do it. It was then that I learned the meaning of the word "Serenity."

I obviously cannot tell you or your Mam what to do, nor can I predict the future, but as long as he has a place to stay and someone to keep him somewhat comfortable, he will never hit his bottom and will, therefore, have no reason to change anything. As they say in the program, Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes. I wish there was a way your Mam could work up the courage to get him out of her house. At her age, it must be very stressful.

Love you and your Mam and your brother. Take good care of YOU. That is THE BEST thing you can do for your Mam.

barb dwyer

just droppped in to see how things are going.

We have a thing here called 'love you from a distance'

and it means that you've had to remove yourself form a situation
because the pain of being around that person (or their habit)
is just too much and affects your own well being.

Sounds like it's time for that.

Because of my friends in the UK
Iknow that AA is vastly different over there
than it is here.
The same may be true for Alanon.
But have you contacted them ?
Or is there even a meeting in the reachable vicinity?

I think someone to talk to in person
is very important when we need support.

laurie6781

I don't know if you have anything like what we have here in the states, but in each state here there is a 'protective' service for elderly.

Usually called 'Adult Protection Service' or something like that. It is staffed by Social Workers that do come out and do 'wellness checks' of the elderly, check out there living conditions and if need be get them assistance in whatever is lacking (many times including evicting an abusive adult child and getting protective orders to prevent child from returning).

As I said I don't know if the UK has anything like that but it might be worth checking. That would keep you out of it, and yet your mother would get some apparently much needed assistance.

J M H O

Love and hugs,