He's not going to quit, is he?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
He's not going to quit, is he?
I'm living a pipe dream, aren't I?
He's 38 yrs old. Has drank heavily for years.
He doesn't have many friends, but the ones he does have drink heavily also.
His best friend drinks even more heavily and also is into drugs.
(I've mentioned this next part before)
He refuses to go to AA, and will not talk to his Dr about quitting.
He says he can control it and/or go cold turkey on his own if he wishes to.
It's sinking in now.....he's not going to! Even at the risk of losing me, he won't be able to stop.
I think when he finally looses me, he'll want to quit, and he may try, but I don't think he CAN! I've told him before, he needs help in quitting, but he says No, he does not.
Ugh! How depressing.
He's 38 yrs old. Has drank heavily for years.
He doesn't have many friends, but the ones he does have drink heavily also.
His best friend drinks even more heavily and also is into drugs.
(I've mentioned this next part before)
He refuses to go to AA, and will not talk to his Dr about quitting.
He says he can control it and/or go cold turkey on his own if he wishes to.
It's sinking in now.....he's not going to! Even at the risk of losing me, he won't be able to stop.
I think when he finally looses me, he'll want to quit, and he may try, but I don't think he CAN! I've told him before, he needs help in quitting, but he says No, he does not.
Ugh! How depressing.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Elsie))
So many lose so much and still don't quit.
My 53 yr old exAH lost me, his wife of over 16 yrs, 5 daughters and soon to be 9 grandchildren, the majority of his family, his mother won't hardly speak to him.
Good job, after job, vehicles, financial stability, countless friends, and he had at one time 3 plus yrs of sobriety and clean time - all gone.
This disease is no respector of relationships, family, children or even grandchildren - once it grabs ahold of a person - it will NOT let go - until that person is able to find their HP and seek a way of recovery.
Please know that the BEST thing that you can do for him is to SAVE yourself.
On the inside he truly carries a tremendous amount of guilt - saving yourself takes the guilt of your demise off of him - he may never say it but I have heard many recoverying A's talk about it.
Love yourself enough to take care of YOU - You truly deserve it - that's what was suggested to me and I am so glad I listened.
Today my life is much safer, saner and peaceful,
HUGS to you,
Rita
So many lose so much and still don't quit.
My 53 yr old exAH lost me, his wife of over 16 yrs, 5 daughters and soon to be 9 grandchildren, the majority of his family, his mother won't hardly speak to him.
Good job, after job, vehicles, financial stability, countless friends, and he had at one time 3 plus yrs of sobriety and clean time - all gone.
This disease is no respector of relationships, family, children or even grandchildren - once it grabs ahold of a person - it will NOT let go - until that person is able to find their HP and seek a way of recovery.
Please know that the BEST thing that you can do for him is to SAVE yourself.
On the inside he truly carries a tremendous amount of guilt - saving yourself takes the guilt of your demise off of him - he may never say it but I have heard many recoverying A's talk about it.
Love yourself enough to take care of YOU - You truly deserve it - that's what was suggested to me and I am so glad I listened.
Today my life is much safer, saner and peaceful,
HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I think when he finally looses me, he'll want to quit
That, too, remains debatable. He may see that his addiction brought the consequence of losing you, and he may wish it wasn't so, but there is still a big jump to wanting to quit for real.
Many also later face the fact that if their loved does go through recovery, the relationship is still broken.
And no, I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy here. I'm trying to encourage you to continue your acceptance efforts and see beyond the "will he or won't he stop", but beyond that to what if he does stop or what if he doesn't.
A few thoughts that helped me in the step of acceptance was to count the rungs on the ladder of recovery for my XABF and for me. There are 12 in AA and those don't include the internal steps of tackling the childhood issues that started him drinking and started me in my codependence. It also doesn't include the steps to repair our broken relationship if we ever tried.
My X stopping the booze, and my stopping my enabling were the least of the problems.
It's a long road. We are here with you. Stay strong!!
Alice
That, too, remains debatable. He may see that his addiction brought the consequence of losing you, and he may wish it wasn't so, but there is still a big jump to wanting to quit for real.
Many also later face the fact that if their loved does go through recovery, the relationship is still broken.
And no, I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy here. I'm trying to encourage you to continue your acceptance efforts and see beyond the "will he or won't he stop", but beyond that to what if he does stop or what if he doesn't.
A few thoughts that helped me in the step of acceptance was to count the rungs on the ladder of recovery for my XABF and for me. There are 12 in AA and those don't include the internal steps of tackling the childhood issues that started him drinking and started me in my codependence. It also doesn't include the steps to repair our broken relationship if we ever tried.
My X stopping the booze, and my stopping my enabling were the least of the problems.
It's a long road. We are here with you. Stay strong!!
Alice
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
"if he wishes too"
So does it matter if he won't get outside help? If he really wished to quit drinking he would discover he may need help. It is not that he is not quitting because he is in some kind of denial that he needs help. He does not really wish too quit .
Yes, it is possible he will quit someday. We can always hope, always. And distance doesn't change that.
If he quit tomorrow, how long do you think it would take to gain what has already been lost? What is the evidence he will quit tomorrow or anytime soon? How much staying power do you have in you to live and let live as you wait, wait for him to get started by quitting the drink? Or will you give him hell as you wait instead of living and letting live?
I have been in separation limbo for over a year now.
:-) I do have some good excuses that came after i should have already had the paper work done. (-: I mention this to let you know i understand what you are going through. Mine just lied more then yours and claimed to be quitting cold turkey and this again after he lasted in AA for 15 days. Yours might get there too, claiming to try to quit cold turkey that is. My AH is 46 and progressed to vodka, about at the age of 39. He quit the vodka after i asked for a divorce and we were in about 10 months of separation. So now he is back to drinking just beer and getting drunk.
So does it matter if he won't get outside help? If he really wished to quit drinking he would discover he may need help. It is not that he is not quitting because he is in some kind of denial that he needs help. He does not really wish too quit .
Yes, it is possible he will quit someday. We can always hope, always. And distance doesn't change that.
If he quit tomorrow, how long do you think it would take to gain what has already been lost? What is the evidence he will quit tomorrow or anytime soon? How much staying power do you have in you to live and let live as you wait, wait for him to get started by quitting the drink? Or will you give him hell as you wait instead of living and letting live?
I have been in separation limbo for over a year now.
:-) I do have some good excuses that came after i should have already had the paper work done. (-: I mention this to let you know i understand what you are going through. Mine just lied more then yours and claimed to be quitting cold turkey and this again after he lasted in AA for 15 days. Yours might get there too, claiming to try to quit cold turkey that is. My AH is 46 and progressed to vodka, about at the age of 39. He quit the vodka after i asked for a divorce and we were in about 10 months of separation. So now he is back to drinking just beer and getting drunk.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by Elsie 
I'm living a pipe dream, aren't I?
I think when he finally looses me, he'll want to quit, and he may try, but I don't think he CAN!
I think when he finally looses me, he'll want to quit, and he may try, but I don't think he CAN!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Elsie,
The question isn't "will he ever quit"? the question is do you want to be with this man, right now, the way he is today, right now, not next month, year or decade.
I don't think we have the crystal balls that determine if and when someone will find sobriety, but we have the power to decide what we want in our lives at this moment.
And oh, from what you have said, I can't imagine that he is even remotely interested in quitting. Or does he always act completely opposite from what he's thinking and doing?
The question isn't "will he ever quit"? the question is do you want to be with this man, right now, the way he is today, right now, not next month, year or decade.
I don't think we have the crystal balls that determine if and when someone will find sobriety, but we have the power to decide what we want in our lives at this moment.
And oh, from what you have said, I can't imagine that he is even remotely interested in quitting. Or does he always act completely opposite from what he's thinking and doing?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
Elsie,
The question isn't "will he ever quit"? the question is do you want to be with this man, right now, the way he is today, right now, not next month, year or decade.
I don't think we have the crystal balls that determine if and when someone will find sobriety, but we have the power to decide what we want in our lives at this moment.
The question isn't "will he ever quit"? the question is do you want to be with this man, right now, the way he is today, right now, not next month, year or decade.
I don't think we have the crystal balls that determine if and when someone will find sobriety, but we have the power to decide what we want in our lives at this moment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 20
Hugs to you Elsie.
His addiction is number one right now and that is the ONLY thing this man cares about. Nothing you did or can do will get him sober. Getting sober is an individual's choice period. Don't take it personal. All you can do is pray for him right now.
Please take care of you. None of us know what the future will bring. Take care of you. It is tough but a short time of pain is better than a lifetime of misery.
Jenn
His addiction is number one right now and that is the ONLY thing this man cares about. Nothing you did or can do will get him sober. Getting sober is an individual's choice period. Don't take it personal. All you can do is pray for him right now.
Please take care of you. None of us know what the future will bring. Take care of you. It is tough but a short time of pain is better than a lifetime of misery.
Jenn
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