He wants me to write
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
He wants me to write
He called my work today (collect of course), and when I answered the message said "you have a collect call from 'i miss you...please write'". I can't accept charges here at work (which he knows from before). Instead of saying his name that was his message.
Nothing I would write would be anything he wants to hear, at all.
Having a really hard time with this one, I still love and care for him. I feel sad that he is there...I really do. I feel he is reaching out to me and my personality (and codependency) makes it hard for me to just walk away. I feel as if I am abandoning him.
He certainly never gave a crap about how I felt when he abandoned me for meth....or knocked me around and pushed me down and wouldn't let me leave, threatened my life.
But I'm not like him. And I know deep down, he is hurting right now. He no longer can self medicate and avoid feelings with drugs and alcohol. I know he hurts.
But he isn't changing. If he was, he would admit to his family and the courts that he is guilty.
I want closure so much....but if I write that opens up the door, and also lets him know he still has control over me.
Help me on this guys, please?
Not to mention, I miss him, too. Like crazy. But what I miss is so far gone....and hasn't been there for soooo long. What am I missing? The crumbs of what he gave me.
Nothing I would write would be anything he wants to hear, at all.
Having a really hard time with this one, I still love and care for him. I feel sad that he is there...I really do. I feel he is reaching out to me and my personality (and codependency) makes it hard for me to just walk away. I feel as if I am abandoning him.
He certainly never gave a crap about how I felt when he abandoned me for meth....or knocked me around and pushed me down and wouldn't let me leave, threatened my life.
But I'm not like him. And I know deep down, he is hurting right now. He no longer can self medicate and avoid feelings with drugs and alcohol. I know he hurts.
But he isn't changing. If he was, he would admit to his family and the courts that he is guilty.
I want closure so much....but if I write that opens up the door, and also lets him know he still has control over me.
Help me on this guys, please?
Not to mention, I miss him, too. Like crazy. But what I miss is so far gone....and hasn't been there for soooo long. What am I missing? The crumbs of what he gave me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
You're missing what he used to be or has the potential to be... not who he is today.
I know the feelings and no contact works best for me. It just messes with my head
and heart to talk or see him, even after being separated a year.
My stbexAH was in jail 3 or 4 times, 3 rehabs, then prison. They get desparate when they are locked up, maybe they really mean what they say when they say it, but as soon as they get out, they forget their promises.
Just read this on the Cards Hallmark forgot to write thread... I could really relate...
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
(((HUGS)))
I know the feelings and no contact works best for me. It just messes with my head
and heart to talk or see him, even after being separated a year.
My stbexAH was in jail 3 or 4 times, 3 rehabs, then prison. They get desparate when they are locked up, maybe they really mean what they say when they say it, but as soon as they get out, they forget their promises.
Just read this on the Cards Hallmark forgot to write thread... I could really relate...
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Hey there!
Good to "hear" your voice.
Something to consider... and please work with me here...
Is your missing him simply a form of resentment? That is, feeling something, over and over, again?
Let me take you through part of my fourth step... first we list people with whom we were hurt or angry
In my case, it was Mary.
The we ask ourselves what is was they did that made us angry. .. in marys case, her drinking and drugging took her away from me.
Then we asked ourselves what part of our character was affected... for me:
Pride: people should not see me abandoned by the woman I love
Ambition: I want my love to be reciprocated
Security: I need to feel loved
Sex relations: real women don't choose drugs and alcohol over men that love them/real men don't want women who abandon men that really love them
Financial: her drinking and drugging cost me time and money
We then look back at what we have written, and it is revealed that, in reality, what is the main thread running through it all is fear. Fear that I will always be abandoned, fear that I will always be alone, fear that I will never have a real woman in my life, fear that I am not a real man... but reality is, all that is delusion. My problem is I am incapable of living in the here and now. I am so will full that I will ruminate over all the things I could possibly say and do that might bring about the change I so desire. But, never being able to figure out what that is, my fear based anxiety morphs into a senseless longing for the object that is the source of my resentment!
NUCKING FUTS!!! Almost as insane as the thought that I can drink again!
So now what to do? Well, I need to look at my part...
Where am I being self centered? By putting my needs to be loved above her need to hit bottom, I seek comfort and end up bailing her out of the troubles she was causing herself. Nothing she did couldn't be fixed by me throwing enough money at it with the hope that she would then come home and love me. Fill that hole inside that feels so empty when she's gone.
I could go on and on but that is really the root of it all for me. My fear leads me to make selfish decisions that lead me to put myself in a position to be hurt again.
I didn't really miss mary, I was afraid that I wouldn't be loved, and I would eventually sell out my morals and do it all over again.
So what to do? We'll the question is... how big is your God? I have to go back to my third step. I made a decision to turn my will over to God as I understand him. And I realize now the source of my discomfort is my trying to exert my will over a situation that is really out of my control. So I have to switch to faith mode. And faith without works is dead. I need to turn my thought to others I can help. In my case I go to an AA meeting and look out for a newcomer. I find one and I share my story. I listen to them. I shar what I am doing and the reults I have received.
And all of a sudden it dawns on me, my anxiety is gone. That self pity I felt before has dissappeared where previously I was powerless to overcome.
I hope that I have helped you identify some actions to take and haven't confused you.
Good to "hear" your voice.
Something to consider... and please work with me here...
Is your missing him simply a form of resentment? That is, feeling something, over and over, again?
Let me take you through part of my fourth step... first we list people with whom we were hurt or angry
In my case, it was Mary.
The we ask ourselves what is was they did that made us angry. .. in marys case, her drinking and drugging took her away from me.
Then we asked ourselves what part of our character was affected... for me:
Pride: people should not see me abandoned by the woman I love
Ambition: I want my love to be reciprocated
Security: I need to feel loved
Sex relations: real women don't choose drugs and alcohol over men that love them/real men don't want women who abandon men that really love them
Financial: her drinking and drugging cost me time and money
We then look back at what we have written, and it is revealed that, in reality, what is the main thread running through it all is fear. Fear that I will always be abandoned, fear that I will always be alone, fear that I will never have a real woman in my life, fear that I am not a real man... but reality is, all that is delusion. My problem is I am incapable of living in the here and now. I am so will full that I will ruminate over all the things I could possibly say and do that might bring about the change I so desire. But, never being able to figure out what that is, my fear based anxiety morphs into a senseless longing for the object that is the source of my resentment!
NUCKING FUTS!!! Almost as insane as the thought that I can drink again!
So now what to do? Well, I need to look at my part...
Where am I being self centered? By putting my needs to be loved above her need to hit bottom, I seek comfort and end up bailing her out of the troubles she was causing herself. Nothing she did couldn't be fixed by me throwing enough money at it with the hope that she would then come home and love me. Fill that hole inside that feels so empty when she's gone.
I could go on and on but that is really the root of it all for me. My fear leads me to make selfish decisions that lead me to put myself in a position to be hurt again.
I didn't really miss mary, I was afraid that I wouldn't be loved, and I would eventually sell out my morals and do it all over again.
So what to do? We'll the question is... how big is your God? I have to go back to my third step. I made a decision to turn my will over to God as I understand him. And I realize now the source of my discomfort is my trying to exert my will over a situation that is really out of my control. So I have to switch to faith mode. And faith without works is dead. I need to turn my thought to others I can help. In my case I go to an AA meeting and look out for a newcomer. I find one and I share my story. I listen to them. I shar what I am doing and the reults I have received.
And all of a sudden it dawns on me, my anxiety is gone. That self pity I felt before has dissappeared where previously I was powerless to overcome.
I hope that I have helped you identify some actions to take and haven't confused you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 159
My EXH is in jail right now and he wants contact too but since it's not in my best interests, I don't do it. I'm a little torn on this since I am a compasionate person but that could get me in trouble. I would never want him to ever think he had a chance with me again and sometimes I think since he's such a manipulative and selfish person and he is essentially doing would be using me and I don't allow that anymore either!! I try to do what right for me and it has worked out good so far 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
when I answered the message said "you have a collect call from 'i miss you...please write'". I can't accept charges here at work (which he knows from before). Instead of saying his name that was his message.
It's typical jailhouse-addict behavior - Feel sorry for me. Look how desperate I am. Write me. Save me. Help me. Entertain me. me. me. quack. quack. quack.
Next will be - put money on my books.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
BASIAM, what you said was deep...and true... Thanks. So that is what happens to me...in that code loop. I read here lately too that being code is a habit. All this wisdom and I am starting to make sense of this stuff...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
my exp, my ah is in jail and wanting me to write too. btdt, i think while in jail, he got a moment of clarity and began to have those raw feelings of regret, shame and whatever other feelings he masked with drugs but as soon as he's free, he's more than likely to forget what it was like to be in there, all the loved ones who tried to be there for him and go right back to being the same ole addicted him.
like you, for now, its better for me not to write anything but i still feel guilty for not wanting to.
i kind of think you not writing may be one of those consequences he'll have to deal with. remember, he's in jail by choice and his choices have nothing to do with you.
my ah wasn't so concerned about me while he was out and using, so i don't want to hear how concern he is now that he's locked up. i'm pretty sure he wants the chance to make all kinds of breakable promises. the choice is yours, i say do what is best for you. you and him are in my prayers.
like you, for now, its better for me not to write anything but i still feel guilty for not wanting to.
i kind of think you not writing may be one of those consequences he'll have to deal with. remember, he's in jail by choice and his choices have nothing to do with you.
my ah wasn't so concerned about me while he was out and using, so i don't want to hear how concern he is now that he's locked up. i'm pretty sure he wants the chance to make all kinds of breakable promises. the choice is yours, i say do what is best for you. you and him are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Thank you. It feels good that it was appreciated.
I need to say that I needed the help of my sponsor, Eddie, to see it. And I want to also stress that seeing it doesn't prevent me from falling into the 'loop' again. I need to have one or two people to whom I can rattle off the senseless banter that goes on in my head.
I also want to stress again the importance of reaching out to those "on the path" behind you.
Lastly, after completing the fourth step and seeing many "Marys" as well as relationships in which I played the role of "Mary," the following was made clear to me:
I need to say that I needed the help of my sponsor, Eddie, to see it. And I want to also stress that seeing it doesn't prevent me from falling into the 'loop' again. I need to have one or two people to whom I can rattle off the senseless banter that goes on in my head.
I also want to stress again the importance of reaching out to those "on the path" behind you.
Lastly, after completing the fourth step and seeing many "Marys" as well as relationships in which I played the role of "Mary," the following was made clear to me:
Like any other human, my capacity to be loved is infinite - I can't be loved enough
Like any other human being, my ability to love, at certain times, is severely limited - I would like to believe that I can love unconditionally, but, like anyone else fear gets in the way.
If I go through life looking for my infinite capacity to be loved to be filled by people who, like me, are at times incapable of unconditional love, I will ALWAYS end up unsatisfied at some point.
The only thing that can love me in that way is a God of my (mis)understanding, and I need to learn to depend on him to help increase my capacity to love.
Like any other human being, my ability to love, at certain times, is severely limited - I would like to believe that I can love unconditionally, but, like anyone else fear gets in the way.
If I go through life looking for my infinite capacity to be loved to be filled by people who, like me, are at times incapable of unconditional love, I will ALWAYS end up unsatisfied at some point.
The only thing that can love me in that way is a God of my (mis)understanding, and I need to learn to depend on him to help increase my capacity to love.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Read your post and certainly am not one to give advice however, I have made up my mind if my son ends up back in jail or prison, I am not going to answer one phone call. I am not going to write, and I'm not going to visit.
I think this may be the only way to shock them into realizing that family and love ones are more important than anything else. Maybe by doing this, they will finally get it through their head that they either change their ways or risk losing us forever.
I've already told my son this is want I will do. I also told him I love him and will always love him, but will not tolerate his past behavior anymore.
I know how difficult this can be, because they call a hundred times a day until you finally wear down. My son use to call leaving messages instead of his name too. He'd call sometimes 10 times in a row! It's terrible!
Suppose someone else would have answered the phone?
Don't feel guilty remember he made his choices! Besides, where is it written that we are responsible for making them happy? I don't know about you, but I don't even have a clown license!
Hugs, Devastated
I think this may be the only way to shock them into realizing that family and love ones are more important than anything else. Maybe by doing this, they will finally get it through their head that they either change their ways or risk losing us forever.
I've already told my son this is want I will do. I also told him I love him and will always love him, but will not tolerate his past behavior anymore.
I know how difficult this can be, because they call a hundred times a day until you finally wear down. My son use to call leaving messages instead of his name too. He'd call sometimes 10 times in a row! It's terrible!
Suppose someone else would have answered the phone?
Don't feel guilty remember he made his choices! Besides, where is it written that we are responsible for making them happy? I don't know about you, but I don't even have a clown license!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
[QUOTE=basIam;2462868]
Wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head:
By putting my needs to be loved above her need to hit bottom, I seek comfort and end up bailing her out of the troubles she was causing herself.
I could go on and on but that is really the root of it all for me. My fear leads me to make selfish decisions that lead me to put myself in a position to be hurt again.
This is especially powerful:
the question is... how big is your God? QUOTE]
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing the wisdom and clarity you have gained
Wow, did you ever hit the nail on the head:
By putting my needs to be loved above her need to hit bottom, I seek comfort and end up bailing her out of the troubles she was causing herself.
I could go on and on but that is really the root of it all for me. My fear leads me to make selfish decisions that lead me to put myself in a position to be hurt again.
This is especially powerful:
the question is... how big is your God? QUOTE]
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing the wisdom and clarity you have gained
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