New to dating an alcoholic...also pregnant.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4
New to dating an alcoholic...also pregnant.
Ok, so...
I met a guy in June. He had lost his job at a seafood restaurant and was unemployed, but who isn't nowadays? We share a lot of the same friends, music, interests, food favorites, etc. He has a beautiful daughter that he loves a whole bunch (her mom has custody but he sees her everyday). She's three weeks older than my son (they're both 2 1/2). Him being a good daddy was the main selling point for me; he's also really really gorgeous.
We hung out and started sleeping together for a couple weeks. He went to jail for a couple weeks and I realized how much I missed him (jail was for probation, he drank too close to a pee test.) He missed me too, and we started dating the day he got out. He moved in the next day (mid July).
Everything was great for about a month. Then we started bickering and gradually it turned into fighting a lot. We still had a lot of good times everyday, don't get me wrong, but less as time went on. I started realizing who he was and he started realizing that I didn't approve basically. Turned out he's an anarchist, never wants to pay taxes, wants to grow pot (legally) for a living, and basically lives day to day with no regard for the future. The job he did have was one of few in his life and he got fired for drinking. He also started drinking again around this time, though always stopping long enough to pass his **** test. He's been an alcoholic since his dad died, maybe 12 years ago. He's 28 now. He's on probation for two old manufacturing of marijuana felonies, a felony coersion, and some other things (can't remember). Coersion was against his kid's mom.
I found out I was pregnant (early September) and we really started fighting. I broke up with him telling him that I didn't want the kind of future he had to offer. We got back together, broke up a total of five times (each about a week apart), last one was the only one to last more than a day. This last breakup, he really freaked out. Still lived with me at first because he had nowhere to go. He started getting really drunk a lot, smoking pot at his friends house (I don't smoke pot or do drugs), he threatened suicide one day, and he kept coming home and starting fights. Kept saying that "s--t is gonna keep getting worse and worse unless you just stop this s--t and take me back". I started staying away from my house because I didn't think it was a good environment for my son. I'd come home after my boy fell asleep so I could put him in his bed in his room. Then I'd spend the evening waiting and wondering if it was going to be a bad night.
Last big fight was the worst. He was drunk, I kept telling him to go to sleep (it was 1:30 am). He started saying "Shut your f--king mouth c--t" over and over again. I went to text my roommate to ask if he could come home, and before I could, he threatened to break my phone. Told him I'd call the cops if he tried. He said I had to call the cops now because I had threatened to. I said I didn't want to. He dialed 911 on his phone (but didn't hit send) and said if I didn't do it, then he would. I asked him what he would even say and he said he'd tell them I hit him (which I hadn't). So I called the cops. He left, cops didn't find him, but his po did say that we are not allowed to date now and he's not allowed to live with me. He's off probation next November.
He started telling me that he's "embarrassed and ashamed" of himself, he's really really sorry, he doesn't deserve me, he's gonna get a job, no more drinking/pot, he's gonna show me he can be a good man to me, that he wants his family back, he'll never find anyone like me, he wants to get married, etc. Called everyday (from jail) to say he loves me, he's sorry, and that he hopes he can be forgiven someday. The way he put it to me was that he's realized that I matter more than anything in his life and so it's not a problem to give up the things he used to care about. He said he was scared of falling in love again so he started pushing me away so that I couldn't hurt him and that it was wrong. He also said that he let his own insecurities kill his judgement. I love the idea of how he says he feels now, but I don't have a lot of faith in people being able to change so much. My friends called it 'jail talk'.
He got out and cut his hair/beard to show that he was making an effort but continues to drink/smoke pot and hasn't looked for work. His po told him when he got out that he had decided to place a no contact order between us (his po thinks he is an abusive type). He is exremely depressed now and drinks every day again, despite weekly pee tests with his po. His explanation is that he's too sad and heartbroken because he wants me back and that's why he's drinking. We still talk every day and to be honest I'm in love with him. He's my best friend and we are having a child. I've never dated anyone who treated me bad or had an addiction problem before though. He treats me like a queen now and tells me everyday that he wants me to be his wife and that he's sorry he messed things up and that he'll always be a good man to me. He's been treating me good for a month now. I told him that I love him but I'm not even willing to date him right now so I can't marry him and that I need to work on myself while he works on himself (I got laid off in June and I'm pregnant, my problems are not addiction/recovery).
He also went back to jail for failing his pee test again. He just went on Monday and won't be out until after New Years. He cried and apologized for messing up again and said that it wasn't worth it and he's afraid to lose me while he's in jail. He kept trying to get me to say that nothing would change while he's gone, but I told him I didn't want to make him feel secure about it. I don't want to date anyone else and I'm not going to; I'm just tired of him going to jail. I'm taking the three weeks he's in jail as time to step outside of the situation and try to figure out what to do/where to go with the situation and with myself. Can we have a happy life and family together? Our baby is due in May 2010; it's his first son. I love him a lot; I'm also aware that we just started all this 6 months ago. Help? Sorry it's so long.
I met a guy in June. He had lost his job at a seafood restaurant and was unemployed, but who isn't nowadays? We share a lot of the same friends, music, interests, food favorites, etc. He has a beautiful daughter that he loves a whole bunch (her mom has custody but he sees her everyday). She's three weeks older than my son (they're both 2 1/2). Him being a good daddy was the main selling point for me; he's also really really gorgeous.
We hung out and started sleeping together for a couple weeks. He went to jail for a couple weeks and I realized how much I missed him (jail was for probation, he drank too close to a pee test.) He missed me too, and we started dating the day he got out. He moved in the next day (mid July).
Everything was great for about a month. Then we started bickering and gradually it turned into fighting a lot. We still had a lot of good times everyday, don't get me wrong, but less as time went on. I started realizing who he was and he started realizing that I didn't approve basically. Turned out he's an anarchist, never wants to pay taxes, wants to grow pot (legally) for a living, and basically lives day to day with no regard for the future. The job he did have was one of few in his life and he got fired for drinking. He also started drinking again around this time, though always stopping long enough to pass his **** test. He's been an alcoholic since his dad died, maybe 12 years ago. He's 28 now. He's on probation for two old manufacturing of marijuana felonies, a felony coersion, and some other things (can't remember). Coersion was against his kid's mom.
I found out I was pregnant (early September) and we really started fighting. I broke up with him telling him that I didn't want the kind of future he had to offer. We got back together, broke up a total of five times (each about a week apart), last one was the only one to last more than a day. This last breakup, he really freaked out. Still lived with me at first because he had nowhere to go. He started getting really drunk a lot, smoking pot at his friends house (I don't smoke pot or do drugs), he threatened suicide one day, and he kept coming home and starting fights. Kept saying that "s--t is gonna keep getting worse and worse unless you just stop this s--t and take me back". I started staying away from my house because I didn't think it was a good environment for my son. I'd come home after my boy fell asleep so I could put him in his bed in his room. Then I'd spend the evening waiting and wondering if it was going to be a bad night.
Last big fight was the worst. He was drunk, I kept telling him to go to sleep (it was 1:30 am). He started saying "Shut your f--king mouth c--t" over and over again. I went to text my roommate to ask if he could come home, and before I could, he threatened to break my phone. Told him I'd call the cops if he tried. He said I had to call the cops now because I had threatened to. I said I didn't want to. He dialed 911 on his phone (but didn't hit send) and said if I didn't do it, then he would. I asked him what he would even say and he said he'd tell them I hit him (which I hadn't). So I called the cops. He left, cops didn't find him, but his po did say that we are not allowed to date now and he's not allowed to live with me. He's off probation next November.
He started telling me that he's "embarrassed and ashamed" of himself, he's really really sorry, he doesn't deserve me, he's gonna get a job, no more drinking/pot, he's gonna show me he can be a good man to me, that he wants his family back, he'll never find anyone like me, he wants to get married, etc. Called everyday (from jail) to say he loves me, he's sorry, and that he hopes he can be forgiven someday. The way he put it to me was that he's realized that I matter more than anything in his life and so it's not a problem to give up the things he used to care about. He said he was scared of falling in love again so he started pushing me away so that I couldn't hurt him and that it was wrong. He also said that he let his own insecurities kill his judgement. I love the idea of how he says he feels now, but I don't have a lot of faith in people being able to change so much. My friends called it 'jail talk'.
He got out and cut his hair/beard to show that he was making an effort but continues to drink/smoke pot and hasn't looked for work. His po told him when he got out that he had decided to place a no contact order between us (his po thinks he is an abusive type). He is exremely depressed now and drinks every day again, despite weekly pee tests with his po. His explanation is that he's too sad and heartbroken because he wants me back and that's why he's drinking. We still talk every day and to be honest I'm in love with him. He's my best friend and we are having a child. I've never dated anyone who treated me bad or had an addiction problem before though. He treats me like a queen now and tells me everyday that he wants me to be his wife and that he's sorry he messed things up and that he'll always be a good man to me. He's been treating me good for a month now. I told him that I love him but I'm not even willing to date him right now so I can't marry him and that I need to work on myself while he works on himself (I got laid off in June and I'm pregnant, my problems are not addiction/recovery).
He also went back to jail for failing his pee test again. He just went on Monday and won't be out until after New Years. He cried and apologized for messing up again and said that it wasn't worth it and he's afraid to lose me while he's in jail. He kept trying to get me to say that nothing would change while he's gone, but I told him I didn't want to make him feel secure about it. I don't want to date anyone else and I'm not going to; I'm just tired of him going to jail. I'm taking the three weeks he's in jail as time to step outside of the situation and try to figure out what to do/where to go with the situation and with myself. Can we have a happy life and family together? Our baby is due in May 2010; it's his first son. I love him a lot; I'm also aware that we just started all this 6 months ago. Help? Sorry it's so long.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Not sure what you are asking, but the past six months are a preview of what your life will continue to be like if you keep taking him back. He sounds very unstable and doesn't really have anything at all to offer you or a child. At this point, your efforts should be geared toward taking care of yourself and your unborn child. Let him take care of himself. You cannot fix him.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Not sure what you are asking, but the past six months are a preview of what your life will continue to be like if you keep taking him back. He sounds very unstable and doesn't really have anything at all to offer you or a child. At this point, your efforts should be geared toward taking care of yourself and your unborn child. Let him take care of himself. You cannot fix him.
I know I can't fix him; no one can make someone do something. If I tried to force him, he would probably drink more. I just know that sometimes people finally get to the point in life where they stop on their own and they succeed. I would think that if anything would make him want to change his life, it would be losing his family if he didn't.
When I broke up with him, I explained that his lifestyle was not okay with me and that I didn't want my kids or myself to live like that. He promised to quit drinking and I told him that would be great and maybe we could get back together someday, but that only time would show where things were going to end up. I would work on myself and he could do the same if he chose, and hopefully we would end up in a place where we could share that life. I'm going to start college after the baby is born and have been trying to clarify what my life goals are and what I need to do to get there. I'll be okay. I just love him and we could have a good life together.
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 457
IF you have any life goals of your own - you ought to seriously run the other direction.
He's a good daddy? How so? Let's see... he's a drunk, he's deceptive, he's abusive (language you mentioned), he's in and out of jail, unemployed frequently. He's handsome???? If Brad Pitt himself had all these qualities you mentioned above... even he'd be ugly in time!
WHY do you feel a need to be with this man? What does he have to offer you? Really? What?
Excuse me for being blunt, but he sounds like a first-class arse to me.
You need to ask yourself "IS THIS WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE?"
He's a good daddy? How so? Let's see... he's a drunk, he's deceptive, he's abusive (language you mentioned), he's in and out of jail, unemployed frequently. He's handsome???? If Brad Pitt himself had all these qualities you mentioned above... even he'd be ugly in time!
WHY do you feel a need to be with this man? What does he have to offer you? Really? What?
Excuse me for being blunt, but he sounds like a first-class arse to me.
You need to ask yourself "IS THIS WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE?"
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I don't want to give up on him if there's a chance that he's going to stop.
A chance?
There's always a chance he's going to stop.
And then there is a chance he will start again.
And then there's always a chance he will stop again.
And so on and so on....
There is no way for you to know or predict.
So where does that leave you?
Just right here right now. You can only make decisions based on what he has shown you in the past and on his daily actions. So today was he working a program of recovery and not drinking and smoking drugs? Did he go to work today and did he make use of healthy outlets for his stress, like exercise or some hobby or hanging out with sober friends or other healthy habits that one day your child will grow up to learn and imitate?
I would think that if anything would make him want to change his life, it would be losing his family if he didn't.
We all thought/think that about our alcoholic loved ones. But again, there is no universal reason why addicts quit and change their lives. Their choices are as individual as they are. Some people lose their families and their livelihoods and their health and they still keep drinking - so there is no way to know. And when I put myself into the position of thinking "I should be enough...or me and my kids should be enough....or my love should be enough.... etc" then I am giving away my power to another person and will end up feeling really low when they don't "choose" me but choose their addiction instead. I wasn't wise enough for many years to not take their choices and behavior personally.
It wasn't until I got into AlAnon that I realized I should never take an alcoholic's drinking personally. They aren't doing it to me- they are just doing what alcoholics do. And what alcoholics do is very unhealthy and toxic to be around, especially for children. Because there is no real love or respect when addiction is in the picture. There can't be. Ask an alcoholic, they have no love or respect for themselves and they cannot give what they do not have.
Have you checked out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum? specially the "CLassic Reading" stickie? You'll find some great stuff in there!
He also went back to jail for failing his pee test again. He just went on Monday and won't be out until after New Years. He cried and apologized for messing up again and said that it wasn't worth it and he's afraid to lose me while he's in jail.
Boy he really didn't make the effort did he? He seems to have a very different destiny than you who is sober, looking into college, and about to spend some thoughtful time meditating on your own life. I hope you can put all your energy into making your own dreams come true - that will be the best example and energy for your child!! I've always found that when I focus on me and my own problems and leave other people to clean up their own side of the street- life gets a whole lot clearer and better!
I don;t wait around for alcoholics to change anymore. I just go ahead and change myself...and they will do as they choose to do.
Glad you found SR! Stick around!
peace-
b
A chance?
There's always a chance he's going to stop.
And then there is a chance he will start again.
And then there's always a chance he will stop again.
And so on and so on....
There is no way for you to know or predict.
So where does that leave you?
Just right here right now. You can only make decisions based on what he has shown you in the past and on his daily actions. So today was he working a program of recovery and not drinking and smoking drugs? Did he go to work today and did he make use of healthy outlets for his stress, like exercise or some hobby or hanging out with sober friends or other healthy habits that one day your child will grow up to learn and imitate?
I would think that if anything would make him want to change his life, it would be losing his family if he didn't.
We all thought/think that about our alcoholic loved ones. But again, there is no universal reason why addicts quit and change their lives. Their choices are as individual as they are. Some people lose their families and their livelihoods and their health and they still keep drinking - so there is no way to know. And when I put myself into the position of thinking "I should be enough...or me and my kids should be enough....or my love should be enough.... etc" then I am giving away my power to another person and will end up feeling really low when they don't "choose" me but choose their addiction instead. I wasn't wise enough for many years to not take their choices and behavior personally.
It wasn't until I got into AlAnon that I realized I should never take an alcoholic's drinking personally. They aren't doing it to me- they are just doing what alcoholics do. And what alcoholics do is very unhealthy and toxic to be around, especially for children. Because there is no real love or respect when addiction is in the picture. There can't be. Ask an alcoholic, they have no love or respect for themselves and they cannot give what they do not have.
Have you checked out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum? specially the "CLassic Reading" stickie? You'll find some great stuff in there!
He also went back to jail for failing his pee test again. He just went on Monday and won't be out until after New Years. He cried and apologized for messing up again and said that it wasn't worth it and he's afraid to lose me while he's in jail.
Boy he really didn't make the effort did he? He seems to have a very different destiny than you who is sober, looking into college, and about to spend some thoughtful time meditating on your own life. I hope you can put all your energy into making your own dreams come true - that will be the best example and energy for your child!! I've always found that when I focus on me and my own problems and leave other people to clean up their own side of the street- life gets a whole lot clearer and better!
I don;t wait around for alcoholics to change anymore. I just go ahead and change myself...and they will do as they choose to do.
Glad you found SR! Stick around!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
If you want a lifetime of, "if only thoughts" and misery for both you and your unborn child, then stick with him. If you have dreams, goals and want a real life, then get the hell out of his way. Putting yourself thru this sort of hell is one thing, but putting a child thru what has so far been abusive chaos is cruelty.
Please let this man find his own way without you or a child to complicate the situation, for all your sakes.
God bless
Please let this man find his own way without you or a child to complicate the situation, for all your sakes.
God bless
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Spend some time reading the posts of others who have been in your situation. Each of them also loved their addict and wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. Some got out fairly quickly, but others hung on, hoping against hope that their addict would see the light. You can read their experiences to see what could be your future. He is going to do whatever he is going to do. You are wise to take care of yourself and your unborn child.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Bluntness is often incredibly hard to hear, but I totally agree with Isurvived.
If you reread what you wrote, it's really all spelled out there for you.
You say you "COULD have a good life together." The key word there is could. Everyone has the possibility of having a good life together, but he is nowhere near being able to offer you the FANTASY that you have in your head about the life you want with him.
Now by fantasy I don't mean to put you down. We all do it and have done it, we hold on to that shred of hope, the IDEA of who the person we love could be, their POTENTIAL. All of this blinds us against who they are TODAY and NOW.
Let's say he does want to get sober, and he seriously means it...... even with that, you should not be open to a relationship with him for atleast ONE YEAR AFTER HIS SOBRIETY starts.
I know and understand how the thought of him not even in your life probably makes your heart ache. But for your sake, and your precious baby's sake, you should really consider making concrete plans for your life without depending on him.
I understand wanting to find answeres to questions about making a relationship work with someone who's drinking......about asking do they change......does he really love me.......
IMO, those are all questions of hope. It's not that it's not ok to have hope, but I think they make you cling to something that is unhealthy and will ultimately destroy every ounce of your being.
At this point, with this man's track record, the questions I would start asking are "Why do I feel like this is ALL I deserve in a relationship?"....."What about the drama of this relationship keeps me holding on?"
Be really good to yourself right now. And read read read. This is an amazing place for support, and you will find so many people who have been down the SAME road you are now on, who would look back and wish they had known then what they know now, and who would have taken a different turn.
There are great sticky threads at the top of the forum, one is labeled "Classic Reading", it's one of my favs. It's got tons of info about alcoholics, and relationships with them. It's very eye opening.
And have no misconceptions, it is what life with an alcoholic is REALLY like.
Big HUGS.
If you reread what you wrote, it's really all spelled out there for you.
You say you "COULD have a good life together." The key word there is could. Everyone has the possibility of having a good life together, but he is nowhere near being able to offer you the FANTASY that you have in your head about the life you want with him.
Now by fantasy I don't mean to put you down. We all do it and have done it, we hold on to that shred of hope, the IDEA of who the person we love could be, their POTENTIAL. All of this blinds us against who they are TODAY and NOW.
Let's say he does want to get sober, and he seriously means it...... even with that, you should not be open to a relationship with him for atleast ONE YEAR AFTER HIS SOBRIETY starts.
I know and understand how the thought of him not even in your life probably makes your heart ache. But for your sake, and your precious baby's sake, you should really consider making concrete plans for your life without depending on him.
I understand wanting to find answeres to questions about making a relationship work with someone who's drinking......about asking do they change......does he really love me.......
IMO, those are all questions of hope. It's not that it's not ok to have hope, but I think they make you cling to something that is unhealthy and will ultimately destroy every ounce of your being.
At this point, with this man's track record, the questions I would start asking are "Why do I feel like this is ALL I deserve in a relationship?"....."What about the drama of this relationship keeps me holding on?"
Be really good to yourself right now. And read read read. This is an amazing place for support, and you will find so many people who have been down the SAME road you are now on, who would look back and wish they had known then what they know now, and who would have taken a different turn.
There are great sticky threads at the top of the forum, one is labeled "Classic Reading", it's one of my favs. It's got tons of info about alcoholics, and relationships with them. It's very eye opening.
And have no misconceptions, it is what life with an alcoholic is REALLY like.
Big HUGS.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by isurvived
WHY do you feel a need to be with this man? What does he have to offer you? Really? What?
I was with a man for five years, and it was good. He left me a month after the wedding for a girl he hadn't seen in 8 years. I had gotten pregnant on the honeymoon; we found out days after he left. I was left feeling insecure and alone; the breakup had come out of nowhere. My son was born and had a tumor in his head and related problems. He is fixed now but went through two neurosurgeries as an infant. During that time, I attached myself to what I now see as an emotionally abusive man. He broke it off, and I was depressed and had low self-esteem. I then had a one year relationship with another emotionally distant and self-absorbed man.
I feel better now but I know that I still have insecurity issues. I'm not ugly, but I'm not an attractive girl, and I am overweight. I used to sleep with men too soon. I'm a single mom and got laid off, and now I'm pregnant and unemployed for the first time in 12 years. I've got social anxiety and only have two close friends. One lives out of state now and the other is an alcoholic with a busy life. As I become aware of my emotional issues, I am trying to fix them, for myself and my son(s).
I haven't learned the codes for what to call people, but my alcoholic baby's dad is the first man in three years who has loved me. He has helped me rebuild my sense of self-worth and self-respect, and he is so good to me since we broke up. He makes me feel wanted and treasured for who I am. He talks so good; it's hard to want to end it with a man who provides for me emotionally the way I've always wanted. I really feel like he loves me the way he says he does. I don't know if that's how addicts are though?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
Bluntness is often incredibly hard to hear, but I totally agree with Isurvived.
I just want to be happy. I wish he didn't have problems. He's a great man when he's sober but his thoughts and feelings don't match his actions.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
One thing that you will discover about this forum is that we who support and love each other frequently say things that may be considered "tough love." My response is similar to those who have posted before me. I apologize in advance for my responses, but I say these things with love....
His first visit to jail would have been my "Get out of here now!" moment.
...sounds like a carbon copy of my ABF. At one point, he even told me that he was thinking about applying for food stamps so he could get free food! (Hey buddy how about getting a real job?) I blew up at him so bad that day, I couldn't see straight! "Free food?!?," I said. "Who do you think pays for that food? Hard-working taxpayers DO!!!!" Thankfully he "changed his mind."
Blah, blah, blah.... We've all heard these same words before and I gotta tell you, I'm no saint either. I fell for them every time.
Have you heard these yet? "Now I have a reason to quit. You." "There's so much more at stake now, I gotta quit or I'll lose you."
.....I'm still waiting........
Getting a hair cut does not a recovering alcoholic make. It's only a hair cut. My ABF gave himself many, many haircuts during the heights of a full-blown binge to the point where we would all shreak in horror when he finally came down from his binge. "What the F#$* did you do to yourself?!?!?!?" Naturally, he ALWAYS responded like it was totally planned and totally the kind of haircut he wanted....
I think you are rationalizing. It's nice to think that someone is sooo upset because they are not with you. It's kind of an ego boost. I used to feel the same way. But the truth is that it won't be long before he starts saying things like, "You are a pain in the A$$, and that's why I drink. I wouldn't drink if you weren't so (fill-in-the-blank)...."
I could go on Bacon, but the truth is that YOU need to NOT be around him. If he really wants to quit, then only his actions will tell you if he means what he says.
When it comes to an alcoholic words mean nothing. They will tell you exactly what they think you want to hear. And if you keep going back to him, you will prove his point and nothing will ever change.
Please keep posting. We are all concerned about you and your child and soon-to-be son.
Be well....
Originally Posted by Bacon
We hung out and started sleeping together for a couple weeks. He went to jail for a couple weeks and I realized how much I missed him
Originally Posted by Bacon
Turned out he's an anarchist, never wants to pay taxes, wants to grow pot (legally) for a living, and basically lives day to day with no regard for the future. The job he did have was one of few in his life and he got fired for drinking.
Originally Posted by Bacon
He started telling me that he's "embarrassed and ashamed" of himself, he's really really sorry, he doesn't deserve me, he's gonna get a job, no more drinking/pot, he's gonna show me he can be a good man to me, that he wants his family back, he'll never find anyone like me, he wants to get married, etc. Called everyday (from jail) to say he loves me, he's sorry, and that he hopes he can be forgiven someday. The way he put it to me was that he's realized that I matter more than anything in his life and so it's not a problem to give up the things he used to care about. He said he was scared of falling in love again so he started pushing me away so that I couldn't hurt him and that it was wrong. He also said that he let his own insecurities kill his judgement.
Have you heard these yet? "Now I have a reason to quit. You." "There's so much more at stake now, I gotta quit or I'll lose you."
.....I'm still waiting........
Originally Posted by Bacon
He got out and cut his hair/beard to show that he was making an effort but continues to drink/smoke pot and hasn't looked for work.
Originally Posted by Bacon
"s--t is gonna keep getting worse and worse unless you just stop this s--t and take me back."
He's too sad and heartbroken because he wants me back and that's why he's drinking."
He's too sad and heartbroken because he wants me back and that's why he's drinking."
I could go on Bacon, but the truth is that YOU need to NOT be around him. If he really wants to quit, then only his actions will tell you if he means what he says.
When it comes to an alcoholic words mean nothing. They will tell you exactly what they think you want to hear. And if you keep going back to him, you will prove his point and nothing will ever change.
Please keep posting. We are all concerned about you and your child and soon-to-be son.
Be well....
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He went to jail for a couple weeks and I realized how much I missed him (jail was for probation, he drank too close to a pee test.)
I'm sorry but he did not go to jail because he forgot to stay sober 24 hours before a pee test. He went to jail because he is not supposed to drink at all while on probation. None. Zero.
His only sober periods are the times sobriety is forced upon him from a jail cell. He is an alcoholic and he is doing what alcoholics do: drink too much.
Alcohol is his idol and he worships daily at it's throne.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I too worshipped alcohol and my life revolved around my next drunk. I was more concerned about my next escape into the bottom of a bottle than my marriage, my husband, my children, my home and my job. No one understood me. I had this and that as my history. I justified my drinking due to my "terminal uniqueness".
Throughout my active addiction I needed someone in my life to make it all okay. The outbursts, the hangovers, the remorse, the guilt, the shame, the depression, etc. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me they still loved me and cared about me. I would do and say anything to keep that person in my life. I was married to an active alcoholic. My partner was doing the same thing. Saying and doing anything to keep me in the relationship. It was manipulation. It was a crazy cycle of abuse.
Today, I am recovering my alcohol addiction. I am recovering from being married to an active alcoholic. I am recovering from ending the relationship with my alcoholic. I am also recovering from my codependency.
Meetings (alanon), SR, self-help books, therapy and counseling are all excellent sources of support for recovery. I use most of those myself.
You have found a wonderful source of support for yourself here at SR. Please reach out for support here and in your community. You are worth the effort!
I'm sorry but he did not go to jail because he forgot to stay sober 24 hours before a pee test. He went to jail because he is not supposed to drink at all while on probation. None. Zero.
His only sober periods are the times sobriety is forced upon him from a jail cell. He is an alcoholic and he is doing what alcoholics do: drink too much.
Alcohol is his idol and he worships daily at it's throne.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I too worshipped alcohol and my life revolved around my next drunk. I was more concerned about my next escape into the bottom of a bottle than my marriage, my husband, my children, my home and my job. No one understood me. I had this and that as my history. I justified my drinking due to my "terminal uniqueness".
Throughout my active addiction I needed someone in my life to make it all okay. The outbursts, the hangovers, the remorse, the guilt, the shame, the depression, etc. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me they still loved me and cared about me. I would do and say anything to keep that person in my life. I was married to an active alcoholic. My partner was doing the same thing. Saying and doing anything to keep me in the relationship. It was manipulation. It was a crazy cycle of abuse.
Today, I am recovering my alcohol addiction. I am recovering from being married to an active alcoholic. I am recovering from ending the relationship with my alcoholic. I am also recovering from my codependency.
Meetings (alanon), SR, self-help books, therapy and counseling are all excellent sources of support for recovery. I use most of those myself.
You have found a wonderful source of support for yourself here at SR. Please reach out for support here and in your community. You are worth the effort!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
He's a great man when he's sober...
How many times have we read that here on this board? Most of them are great when they are sober. Unfortunately, if he was sober often enough, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. This man has nothing to offer you. He has no reason to change if you keep taking him back and giving him more chances. Everyone who has responded has said pretty much the same thing. You need to concentrate on YOU and your children and leave him to figure out his own life. There are much worse things than not having a man in your life. You and your children deserve more.
How many times have we read that here on this board? Most of them are great when they are sober. Unfortunately, if he was sober often enough, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. This man has nothing to offer you. He has no reason to change if you keep taking him back and giving him more chances. Everyone who has responded has said pretty much the same thing. You need to concentrate on YOU and your children and leave him to figure out his own life. There are much worse things than not having a man in your life. You and your children deserve more.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I can empathise with the low self esteem and feeling unlovable. Coming here and reading the posts (have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? Lost of good information there!) helped me see things much more clearly. Looking back, my STBXAH (soon to be X alcoholic husband) seemed to help me with my self esteem - but only in a very manipulative way. I was so vulnerable to his manipulation.
Now, I'm trying to build my own self esteem from within. I believe that if I can love and respect me then I can build my own self esteem that will be much stronger than if I'm relying on someone else for it. I have had counselling, which helped me a lot. Lots of people here have been helped by and recommend Al Anon. If you can, find a copy of the book Co Dependant No More by Melody Beattie. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Please take care of you. You describe such a chaotic life with this man - you really do deserve so much better!
(((hugs)))
Now, I'm trying to build my own self esteem from within. I believe that if I can love and respect me then I can build my own self esteem that will be much stronger than if I'm relying on someone else for it. I have had counselling, which helped me a lot. Lots of people here have been helped by and recommend Al Anon. If you can, find a copy of the book Co Dependant No More by Melody Beattie. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Please take care of you. You describe such a chaotic life with this man - you really do deserve so much better!
(((hugs)))
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