ncgirl

I have not posted because I know what is going on, but I need some support. Had No contact with my bf and I was really good. Saw him again after he lied to me about having to move away. He stayed clean and picked up as soon as I went away (crack).
When I returned after Thanksgiving, he lectured me about how I only wanted to control him, and that if he wanted to use and I was not around and his kids were not around, it did not hurt anyone. Forget, that I took him to the States for brain surgery when some ch beat him up (public hospital: I did not pay) or the 2 admissions to the psych ward,or the 2 rehabs and psych hospital I did pay for, or the broken bones, suicidal thoughts, depression, shrinks etc. I did not respond and the next day when he asked me to "help him with the rent", I told him that I needed to make sure I understood what he said the night before. I repeated it and said that despite him telling me he was stopped, he never used the word "quit" and his actions show me that he is defiantly asserting his "right" to use and I accept this and I thanked him for being so honest, and said no rent, no play, I am "done".
So, no contact and I am ok. However, someone I know called me and said that he was at the bank the other day (He sucks money from his mother's credit card and she does nothing) and that he looked very rough. THen I got 2 more calls. Great friends I have.
So I know he is drinking a great deal and I am missing him. I have 13 years of Alanon and a lot of therapy and family of origin work etc, but I still miss him. Before he picked up in Sept, he had 6 mos clean and we had a really good time. So, this is about me, not him.
I know this is the best thing for me and for him. I know that he is not going to get well unless he hits bottom or makes a decision to get help. I am still missing him. This is why I am posting. I know it will get better, and I do have good days mostly.
What do I miss? I miss the clean him that actually is able to ressurect ever few weeks, sometimes for weeks or months at a time. but I am done, and I don't miss the pain and the fear and the churning and anxiety that I am feeling now.
I wanted to post because this feeling of knowing I am doing the right thing, but feeling anxious about it, seems familiar to this site. And I am craving him, and I know this.
Best,
NC Girl

Ann

You seem to have good awareness of your feelings and this situation, and I'm sorry that it all brings sadness. When I read what you posted above, my first thought was that it is a big price to pay for sporadic moments of happiness.

And I know you already know that addiction is a progressive disease so it's not likely to get better any time soon. Perhaps you are going through a grief process, and if so that's normal when we lose our dreams a the person we love to addiction. And there is no easy way to work through grief, we just have to look it in the eye and walk through it. But it does get better, we do heal and life can become worth living again. I know that's how it was for me when I had to accept my son's addiction.

My heart goes out to you, it isn't always easy to do the right thing, but it is still the right thing.

Keep taking care of yourself, and know that we're here and we care.

Hugs

greeteachday

Knowing you are doing the right thing doesn't make it pain free, unfortunately. I think you are on a good path...acknowledging the feelings, sharing about it and reaching out for support from others who have or are walking where you are.

Lots of hugs...It's not easy, but you are so right that it is best for both of you. It will get better, little by little, one step at a time.

rayofsunshine

Doing what's best for US isn't always easy. I've been separated over a year now, and saw the ex for the 1st time last week. It brought back these same
feelings you mention. My head is playing scenes of the good times but thankfully it is playing the bad times too, so there is balance and I know I
did the right thing for me and the kids, because he is still lost in his addiction.

Today is a better day for me, I feel hope again for MY future. Just know
you are grieving and it does take time, sometimes months, but it does get easier if you stay strong and don't give in to your feelings.

(((HUGS)))

hope213

it is normal for you to miss him. the pain will get easier. you will learn to deal with it & before long u will not feel it. there is a future waiting on you. go to your meetings & keep coming back. we have been where u r. prayers for u both,

teke

it does get easier, i promise. you are in my prayers.