a fallen man

there are so many things to be thankful for and i was reminded of one last night.

we were having a family night dinner with my oldest son (23) and my future daughter in law. we had these when i was drinking and i never let it stop me from drinking my vodka from my little hiding place at the end of the sofa.

i was not overt with it but when they weren't in the room i'd hit my vodka straight and chase it with some water. that's how i administered my poison.

anyhoo, last night we were watching some tv. during a commercial both bathrooms were in use. so.....i went to the back deck to take a whizz off of it. i told you it was raw. we live in a subdivision in the country and nobody could have seen it.

but it snatched me back to a terrible memory. there were times when i was drinking that if i hit the vodka too hard it would want to come back up. not wanting anyone in the house to hear me i would walk quickly to the back deck and hurl. it would always be just vodka and water that came back up.

last night as i stood out there i was so thankful that i was not hurling. it never stopped me from going back in and hitting the vodka again in 10 minutes when the stomach settled down. of course that 90 proof vodka never felt good going down a throat that had just had stomach acid pass through it but i did it anyway.

i know that is disgusting to post and i apologize in advance to anyone it grossed out but it just shows the lengths we'll go to when we are in the clutches of alcohol.

i honest to god do not miss throwing up vodka and water. or bile the next morning when nothing else was on the stomach. i called it a small blessing but really it is a huge one.

thanks to everyone on this site that has helped me for the last 100 days. you all rock.

david.

bdiddy5522

Yes, it is gross but I know exactly what you mean! I used to do it too! I would keep my vodka in the fridge in the garage. I would find "reasons" to go to the garage and take swigs multiple times every evening. And like you at times, it just would not go down and I would end up hurling into the garbage in the garage. You would think that that would be enough to make you stop drinking, but not me. I was just disappointed that I had wasted it by not keeping it down. So I would choke another shot down before heading back into the house! Man the things we do to our bodies, huh? Glad you are 100 days sober now. I am about 37 days or something sober now. Much better than before huh?

Astro

TMI Just kidding David. Your post carries a good message about the insanity of the disease. I don't miss those days either.

least

Congrats on your sober time! I too do'nt miss the horrible feelings I'd get after too much wine. I'd feel like crap, both while drinking it and the next day. It never stopped me either from continuing to drink but I'm glad I'm sober today. Staying sober eliminates so many potential problems from happening.

Redfish

I remember when I first acknowledged a problem. Sitting in a bar with friends and drinking beer with a Jack Daniels shot every 10 minutes. Got up, went to the bathroom, got sick, and sat back down and continued my behavior.

That night I got a dwi (thank god I had a good attorney and it went away).

8 years later finally started to get sober. I'm on day 3.