winnie12

Well like alot of you i've got the christmas blues this year. i was doing somewhat okay. my son was supposed to come home on his bday the 9th but his PO changed her mind and he cant come home until the 24th - kinda sucks having to spend christmas eve travelling but at least he'll be home. i know it may have been a good thing because with the delay he seems to have learned some valuable lessons so i'm trying to be thankful.

my blues really kicked in yesterday. i had a client that accidentally sent a package to my old residence and i had to drive there and pick it up. pulling into the driveway of what i had thought was my dream home was overwhelming. I realize it was my "dream" home because i was obviously in a dream when i lived there. I thought my life was perfect, my marriage was great and my children were perfect. Leaving there was the start of my awakening - my husband no longer in love, my son a drug addict, and myself alone. there is a part of me that wanted to walk in that house and into the past just to have one more chirstmas with my family that was majical even if i was kidding myself. I left there angry - i dont really know at who - maybe my ex because his leaving seemed to escalate all the other problems - but mostly just angry that my life was ripped out from underneath me and i had no choice in the matter. In that house with the little white picket fence i had dreams and now i dont really dream anymore about my future.

That was then and this is now - the rose colored glasses are off and i'm hit with more reality then i ever thought i could bear. I'm trying to keep the hope alive if not for myself for my DD. I'm thankful that my son will be home for christmas and shows signs of maturing, i'm thankful that through all of this i've had my DD by my side who gives me more love than anyone ever has. I'm trying to let go of the past dreams and live for what today has to offer.

Ann

(((Winnie))) This is a hard time of year for everyone, and having to go back there would just add to the pain. I wish I could just make it all better for you, really I do, because I had feel your sadness.

All I know is that pain doesn't last forever. And sometimes when a dream is shattered it leaves our emptiness open for new dreams to form. And they do in time, I promise.

My life isn't what I imagined it would be either, no picket fence, no Wally Cleaver child, no grandchildren bouncing on my lap. Yet there is a beauty and calm in my life today that I would not have if fate hadn't dealt me the hand that it did.

Today I find my happiness from within, I hold the key today. I try to see life as a great adventure and my journey is just different than that of most.

Sending big hugs and hoping that this coming year brings healing, peace and new light to shine on better days ahead.

Hugs

rayofsunshine

(((HUGS)))) Winnie. I know the sadness you're feeling over the shattered dreams.

I got a "reminder" myself last week when I had to meet the ex for some financial business. It was the first time I'd saw him since he left over a year ago. We were able to have a reasonable conversation and afterwards it just set off feelings of sadness for me ... I think, over the life we had and the reality is we'll never be together again.

Glad to hear your son is doing better and will get to come home for Christmas!
Wishing you a peaceful, joyous Christmas!

bluebelle

I've had the blues lately, too. I think I start thinking of what my life should be like, what I should be doing. I feel like I should be farther along at this point in my life. I think that I should be spending Christmas with my family, etc. You get the idea. I think until I stop looking at the shoulds and start looking at the here and now, I will probably be disappointed. I agree with your last statement. It is not until we let go of the past dreams that we can really appreciate the present.

I think anger is an understandable emotion. It's one of the stages of grief. I read that when you feel angry, it is a powerful emotion that can stop you from feeling the extremely bad feelings of sadness and depression. Maybe you are moving through the grief process and mourning what you have lost. This is a natural part of grieving.

outtolunch

Have you considered that perfection is magical thinking?

greeteachday

Winnie, I'm sorry you are struggling at this time and wish I could offer some profound thoughts that would help. But i suspect it's just what I was told as I went through grieving processes (and i too suspect that's part of what you are experiencing...so much to process and mourn...the death of certain dreams) Time takes time. Three words that somehow really helped me find the courage and patience to experience the feelings, work through the sadness and anger and despair and come out the other side with hope and, yes, even joy.

We're here if you need to talk anything out...Glad you have your DD and that your son will be with you for Christmas. Hugs

Impurrfect

(((Winnie))) - first of all, I'm so happy to see you!!! I've missed you!

I'm sorry you're having the blues but glad that you've got dd beside you and that your son will be home for Christmas. Sounds like he's made some good progress!

I was cruising right along, having a pretty good Christmas, when I found out my XABF died 2 weeks ago yesterday, so I'm in my own little funk. Didn't realize how much I still loved him, as I had detached so well. WE were never going to have the white picket fence, but I still dreamed that he would find recovery and he didn't...another dream shattered.

Thank God we can come here and "talk" to friends who understand. I actually love this time of year, something I got from my mom. I'm walking through the grief, but also remembering all that I have to be grateful for...my own little roller coaster

Big hugs and prayers to you and dd!!

Amy