Alcoholic Father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Alcoholic Father.
Hi people, I just found this site because I gave it some thought that I should seek some outer help about my problem.
I'm Tanya and I am soon to be an adult, but I guess I am mature enough to be called one for this topic.
Anyway, as I have already said, my dad is an alcoholic. He has always been one in my life, but I had only recognized the problem as a teenager when I began to understand things a little more. He was previously married before my mother and I, and they had divorced due to his alcoholism.
He is also a chronic smoker, and I am not exactly sure about other substances, as my parents are fairly quiet and I don't know too much about either of them. Distant, I know.
When I was growing up, my relationship with him was fine, I think. He was very loving and caring, much like my Mum.
But when I became a teenager we became very distant, and especially when his alcoholism became a real problem in the family. I very rarely speak to him now, maybe a 'hi' during the day, but no real conversation. He pays more attention to our dog than he does to me.
Sometimes he rambles **** to me when he is drunk, but most of the time it turns into an argument because I am upset about his problem. We cannot communicate, at all.
Mum tells me that she doesn't speak to him much either. They fight a lot though -- and it is always about this problem.
They also don't sleep in the same room together, which some people find really strange. But it's been like that all my life, so I am used to that.
He has been unemployed for a long time now, with an occasional job every now and again, but nothing long term. If he does work, the money goes towards alcohol and cigarettes.
Mum is doing all the work in the family, which to some people is very bizarre. I am ashamed of him not having a job, and am often too embarrassed to even tell people that my Dad sits around doing nothing all day.
He steals money, and has recently stolen half of my savings that I was going to save up for a car. He takes and uses my Mum's credit cards as well as cash out of her wallet all the time, and when she's not at home he takes a trip to the bottle shop.
The pattern of him getting wasted every single night (or if we're lucky, every couple of nights) has been ongoing for years, as long as I began understanding what it is. He hides bottles in his room and around the house, and sometimes is already drunk in the middle of the day.
He has never been abusive, which I have read is often a sign of an alcoholic. He is rather passive, much like I am, but nonetheless has still hurt me a lot in my life, most recently cos of the theft. Other cases have been him drink driving, several times now... which I admit have been some of the scariest moments of my life. He has also been charged several times for DUIs, and one time lost his licence for 6 months or something like that.
The major problem though is how he denies everything. He denied he stole my money, he denies he is an alcoholic and he always denies he's drunk when he really is. He has this mentality of him thinking he is doing "the right thing" when he isn't -- like all other alcoholics are just drinking different substances to him, so they're wrong, but he thinks he knows what he is doing. We can't get him to seek outer help because he doesn't think he is one. Not to mention we probably can't afford help.. the way our finance is going.
Additionally, my uncle passed away from alcoholism when I was 13. He was my mother's brother, and went through probably the same thing, but this time was unfortunate. He lived in another state so I didn't know what his behavior was like, but either way it had made an impact on me.
Another recent incident was a friend from my mum's work who was also friends with my dad, and he was also an alcoholic, and he died in a car accident this year.
All these events have been occuring yet nothing is helping the fact alcohol is just a growing problem.
I've probably been psychologically affected by all of this. I am incredibly sensitive to the topic of alcohol. I can't function in every day life properly, like I think everything I am doing is wrong cos my family isn't normal so I must not be normal.. I am having major communication problems with people.
I am personally "straight edge" as per say, and am dating a guy who doesn't drink/take drugs/smoke.
For several years now I have a passionate hatred towards drugs and alcohol, I don't see any reason in it and I am often now called judgemental for my beliefs... I tend to criticise others for drinking/taking drugs.
This is out of my anger and sadness towards these previous events I've described in my family, as well as other problems with teen ex-friends and alcohol abuse.
One person in particular used to consecutively drunk dial me every night or few nights in the very early hours of the morning, others getting up to no good with binge drinking.
I have lost all respect for anyone that takes part in these activities.
I am wondering what is the best thing to do, being a daughter of an alcoholic. What should I do in this situation?
Would you recommend any sites or places to go to, to get help? I really need it.
Sorry this was such a long read, thanks for reading.
Tanya
I'm Tanya and I am soon to be an adult, but I guess I am mature enough to be called one for this topic.
Anyway, as I have already said, my dad is an alcoholic. He has always been one in my life, but I had only recognized the problem as a teenager when I began to understand things a little more. He was previously married before my mother and I, and they had divorced due to his alcoholism.
He is also a chronic smoker, and I am not exactly sure about other substances, as my parents are fairly quiet and I don't know too much about either of them. Distant, I know.
When I was growing up, my relationship with him was fine, I think. He was very loving and caring, much like my Mum.
But when I became a teenager we became very distant, and especially when his alcoholism became a real problem in the family. I very rarely speak to him now, maybe a 'hi' during the day, but no real conversation. He pays more attention to our dog than he does to me.
Sometimes he rambles **** to me when he is drunk, but most of the time it turns into an argument because I am upset about his problem. We cannot communicate, at all.
Mum tells me that she doesn't speak to him much either. They fight a lot though -- and it is always about this problem.
They also don't sleep in the same room together, which some people find really strange. But it's been like that all my life, so I am used to that.
He has been unemployed for a long time now, with an occasional job every now and again, but nothing long term. If he does work, the money goes towards alcohol and cigarettes.
Mum is doing all the work in the family, which to some people is very bizarre. I am ashamed of him not having a job, and am often too embarrassed to even tell people that my Dad sits around doing nothing all day.
He steals money, and has recently stolen half of my savings that I was going to save up for a car. He takes and uses my Mum's credit cards as well as cash out of her wallet all the time, and when she's not at home he takes a trip to the bottle shop.
The pattern of him getting wasted every single night (or if we're lucky, every couple of nights) has been ongoing for years, as long as I began understanding what it is. He hides bottles in his room and around the house, and sometimes is already drunk in the middle of the day.
He has never been abusive, which I have read is often a sign of an alcoholic. He is rather passive, much like I am, but nonetheless has still hurt me a lot in my life, most recently cos of the theft. Other cases have been him drink driving, several times now... which I admit have been some of the scariest moments of my life. He has also been charged several times for DUIs, and one time lost his licence for 6 months or something like that.
The major problem though is how he denies everything. He denied he stole my money, he denies he is an alcoholic and he always denies he's drunk when he really is. He has this mentality of him thinking he is doing "the right thing" when he isn't -- like all other alcoholics are just drinking different substances to him, so they're wrong, but he thinks he knows what he is doing. We can't get him to seek outer help because he doesn't think he is one. Not to mention we probably can't afford help.. the way our finance is going.
Additionally, my uncle passed away from alcoholism when I was 13. He was my mother's brother, and went through probably the same thing, but this time was unfortunate. He lived in another state so I didn't know what his behavior was like, but either way it had made an impact on me.
Another recent incident was a friend from my mum's work who was also friends with my dad, and he was also an alcoholic, and he died in a car accident this year.
All these events have been occuring yet nothing is helping the fact alcohol is just a growing problem.
I've probably been psychologically affected by all of this. I am incredibly sensitive to the topic of alcohol. I can't function in every day life properly, like I think everything I am doing is wrong cos my family isn't normal so I must not be normal.. I am having major communication problems with people.
I am personally "straight edge" as per say, and am dating a guy who doesn't drink/take drugs/smoke.
For several years now I have a passionate hatred towards drugs and alcohol, I don't see any reason in it and I am often now called judgemental for my beliefs... I tend to criticise others for drinking/taking drugs.
This is out of my anger and sadness towards these previous events I've described in my family, as well as other problems with teen ex-friends and alcohol abuse.
One person in particular used to consecutively drunk dial me every night or few nights in the very early hours of the morning, others getting up to no good with binge drinking.
I have lost all respect for anyone that takes part in these activities.
I am wondering what is the best thing to do, being a daughter of an alcoholic. What should I do in this situation?
Would you recommend any sites or places to go to, to get help? I really need it.
Sorry this was such a long read, thanks for reading.
Tanya
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Tanya, and pleased to "meet" you 
I am sorry to hear that your dad is so involved in his alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic too, so I understand a bit of what you are going thru. The details of your story are different than mine, but I had the same feelings of embarrasment that you mention, and the same strong reactions to anybody who used booze or drugs.
Yeah my dad did that too. Makes it very frustrating to try to talk to them because they twist everything around.
The first thing I suggest is to educate yourself about the disease of alchoholism. The best place to do that is right here on this website. Check out the "sticky" post at the top of this forum, and the ones "next door" at this other forum.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
What has helped me the most is meetings of al-anon. You can find them here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
or in your phone book. They have _wonderful_ books and pamphlets all about dealing with a person we love who is an alcoholic.
As you go thru all those "sticky posts" you'll likely have a lot of questions, so just come on back here and post whatever comes to mind. That's the whole reason we have this website, to share our experience about our recovery with others.
I'm glad you decided to join us
Mike
I am sorry to hear that your dad is so involved in his alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic too, so I understand a bit of what you are going thru. The details of your story are different than mine, but I had the same feelings of embarrasment that you mention, and the same strong reactions to anybody who used booze or drugs.
Originally Posted by tanyavolt 
... The major problem though is how he denies everything....
Originally Posted by tanyavolt
...I am wondering what is the best thing to do, being a daughter of an alcoholic. What should I do in this situation? Would you recommend any sites or places to go to, to get help? ...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
What has helped me the most is meetings of al-anon. You can find them here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
or in your phone book. They have _wonderful_ books and pamphlets all about dealing with a person we love who is an alcoholic.
As you go thru all those "sticky posts" you'll likely have a lot of questions, so just come on back here and post whatever comes to mind. That's the whole reason we have this website, to share our experience about our recovery with others.
I'm glad you decided to join us
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Thankyou very much for your advice, I am considering sometime soon visiting some places here, and I'm sure I'll check those sites out.
I know my story might be different from others but it's the best idea I had to talk to people who might possibly relate, as none of my closest friends have gone through anything like I have.
I know my story might be different from others but it's the best idea I had to talk to people who might possibly relate, as none of my closest friends have gone through anything like I have.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Iam an adult child of an alcoholic too. It isn't fun. I would advise going to alanon.The alcoholics lie and know you know they are lying and they still lie. I learned not to react to them and not to engage with them when they are using. I would protect my money,credit cards etc. and press charges if he steals from you. The disease is progressive. You sound very wise. I hope you do not have to live in this situation too much longer.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by tanyavolt
I have lost all respect for anyone that takes part in these activities.
One important thing I learned here was the three C's -
we didn't Cause it,
we can't Control it,
we can't Cure it.
This is a useful thing to remember when memories get me angry.
You can change yourself and your attitudes. And it sounds like you already know this.
DesertEyes has the right idea - check out al-anon and alateen so you can meet up with others in the same situation. If there is a trustworthy adult in school, church, or even a non-denying understanding relative, you could try to talk to them. And of course, keep posting here, and read the stickies.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Hi Tanya,
I wanted to add my own support to you. First off, you're not alone and you're not crazy. Your story is not much different than most of us here - the lying, the mistreatment, the denial, the refusal to accept responsibility - those are all traits of an alcoholic. Unfortunately, we get the fallout from it.
Sometimes this can make us think there's something wrong with us. The problem is not ours to solve - we can't cure it, we can't change another person's behavior. I hope you can keep that in your mind when things get ugly.
We can, however, take our life into our own hands and stop allowing another person's behavior to control our own. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Al-Anon, therapists, sites like this one can help us to accept the alcoholic in our lives for what they are and help us find a healthy place where we can keep ourselves safe and sane.
We're here for you.
I wanted to add my own support to you. First off, you're not alone and you're not crazy. Your story is not much different than most of us here - the lying, the mistreatment, the denial, the refusal to accept responsibility - those are all traits of an alcoholic. Unfortunately, we get the fallout from it.
Sometimes this can make us think there's something wrong with us. The problem is not ours to solve - we can't cure it, we can't change another person's behavior. I hope you can keep that in your mind when things get ugly.
We can, however, take our life into our own hands and stop allowing another person's behavior to control our own. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Al-Anon, therapists, sites like this one can help us to accept the alcoholic in our lives for what they are and help us find a healthy place where we can keep ourselves safe and sane.
We're here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Carol Star, I think pressing charges is a little bit too extreme but I am definitely protecting all of my money now. Hiding cash was a bad idea, he managed to find my car savings that I kept hidden... so yeah now everything is in the bank and I have my wallet on me at all times.
If anyone was going to press charges it should be my mum, he has taken so much money without consent.
grewupinabarn, I like that perspective. It's strangely true that all of this stuff that I feel is actually rather useless, aside from caring of course.
Since I'm not in school anymore and don't go to church, I figured it would be best to consult others online and there is also my mum. So I have gathered from most alateen is the best way to go, I might make some phone calls next week about it.
And thanks GingerM, it really means a lot to know there are people out there that have been through the same thing. All the stress and issues I have with myself probably have a direct link with my parenting (ok my mum has been a brilliant parent, but she is only one half to my upbringing) and I doubt I have been coping in a healthy manner. So yeah, thankyou very much for the tips and words.
If anyone was going to press charges it should be my mum, he has taken so much money without consent.
grewupinabarn, I like that perspective. It's strangely true that all of this stuff that I feel is actually rather useless, aside from caring of course.
Since I'm not in school anymore and don't go to church, I figured it would be best to consult others online and there is also my mum. So I have gathered from most alateen is the best way to go, I might make some phone calls next week about it.
And thanks GingerM, it really means a lot to know there are people out there that have been through the same thing. All the stress and issues I have with myself probably have a direct link with my parenting (ok my mum has been a brilliant parent, but she is only one half to my upbringing) and I doubt I have been coping in a healthy manner. So yeah, thankyou very much for the tips and words.
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