New and confused

Old 12-14-2009, 08:29 PM
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New and confused

Hi everyone, I have been reading some of your threads, and find myself feeling less alone. I have never shared my story with anyone because I am so afraid of being judged. I hope that I can share it with you, and you can give me some guidance.

Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, and he is a heroin addict. It has been off and on the whole time. Everytime he gets clean, I get so hopeful. About two years ago, he was doing well. Then he got injured at work, and had to have major back surgery. Well, the doctors obviously had him on prescription pain killers. After awhile, those were not enough, and now he is back on heroin. He claims he needs the relief, and I feel so torn. I know he is in pain, but sometimes I feel like he plays it up for an excuse to get high.

So, that brings us to the present. Tonight, I got home from work(he does not work due to injury) and he asked if he could borrow the car to run out. Stupid me says okay, about a half hour later, I get a phone call from the cops. He has been picked up for drug possession and outstanding warrants(that I knew nothing about). So I had to go to pick up the car.

I am so angry and hurt. Is it wrong for me to want to leave him after all this time? Am I stupid for having stayed as long as I have? I refuse to bail him out of jail. But that makes me feel bad. I have no one to talk to and I just feel like crawling in a ball and crying.

I've been reading about Al-Anon meetings. Are they helpful? How do you get into one?

I am so sorry for the long message, I am just out of ideas. I feel like I need to get out, I deserve so much better.

Thank you so much for listening, I am always here to listen in return.
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Old 12-15-2009, 12:46 AM
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Hi Jilly,
Welcome to SR.
In short, no you're not wrong for wanting to leave. Sure, you've put 8 years into him and everyone wants a 'return' on our investments. But unfortunately, the disease of addiction doesn't work that way. You're actually way ahead of the game when it comes to not bailing him out. When we bail our addicted loved ones out (literally or figuratively: jail, due bills, food money, etc.) it is sustaining their illness. It makes us sick and keeps them sick. If they don't experience every consequence of using their drug of choice, every time they are rescued, it is another moment that they are allowed to remain in denial about their addiction.

Regarding his back injury, its easy to feel guilty when the addict also has a legitimate physical/mental condition in addition to their substance use. But you know what? Once someone is addicted to heroin, the only pain they're running from & trying to relieve is the pain of withdrawals. His back pain is but another excuse to keep using.

We all have pain, and there are many ways to deal with it that don't involve breaking the law, risking HIV and other bloodborne illnesses, and using a drug that is of unknown purity/inactive ingredients/source day in and day out.

I don't know from your post if he is an IV Heroin user. But I want you to know that regardless of his route of administration, if you are in an intimate relationship with him, you are at risk too.

I'm proud of you for sharing your experience.
If I can, I will suggest a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent no More". Its really for anyone that is affected by another's addiction. Perhaps you'll find things in the book that you can relate to, and tips on taking care of yourself.


Please, continue to share your story. You are perfectly in the 'right' for wanting to get out and be gone.
Its a higher form of love than sticking around and enabling (loving the addict to death), in my opinion.
And you're right.
You DESERVE (and CAN HAVE) SO MUCH BETTER.
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Old 12-15-2009, 03:59 AM
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welcome, i am so sorry about your pain. there is alot of caring understanding people here. we do not judge only give our opinions & our stories. you did hit the nail on the head. you deserve so much better. there is nothing you can do to help your boyfriend. he has got to do it himself. do not feel bad. he has done this to himself. you were also right not to bail him out. meetings are wonderful. you have headed in the right direction by helping your self. keep coming back. prayers,
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Old 12-15-2009, 04:14 AM
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Ann
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Here is a list of Nar-Anon meetings in New Jersey. It's good to phone before going to double check that no changes have been made to the meeting time or place.

New Jersey

Also, many here go to Al-Anon, a similar fellowship that tends to have more meetings than Nar-Anon. Both programs are about "us" and not the substance they use.

Meetings literally saved my life. It is suggested to try 5 or 6 meetings to find one that seems to "fit" your needs and to give them time to make sense.

You are doing the right thing, to take care of yourself.

Hugs and Welcome to SoberRecovery
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Old 12-15-2009, 05:17 AM
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hi, sorry about your pain too. i also feel like you are heading in the right direction. you have nothing to feel guilty about, he's where he is in life because of the choices he's made for himself.
you are not stupid, its hard to watch a loved one self- destruct. we want to help, to be there for them but unfortunately there is nothing we can do except save ourselves.

it took me 21yrs to get to where you are now so i think you are doing great. keep the focus on you. you are in my prayers.
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Old 12-15-2009, 05:31 AM
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I'm glad you're here reading and posting! I bailed my exAH out of jail several
times as I was naive about addiction then, and didn't know I was enabling him
to continue his path of destruction. Leaving him in to face the consequences
of his actions is the most loving thing to do, although it is hard, I know.

Keep working on you. You do deserve better and you can find happiness, joy
and peace again, no matter what the A is doing. Ala-non is a good place to
start, and keep reading and posting here. You're among folks who have walked
down the same path you are and they have made it to the other side and found
healing and happiness again.
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Old 12-15-2009, 05:49 AM
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Try not to think of yourself as stupid for letting him use your car. It's natural to put trust in our loved ones. But he is an addict and he lied. It's nothing personal. It's what addicts do. Now you have better information and you'll make more informed choices in the future. Thank goodness your car wasn't damaged! Please keep posting and let us know how we can help.
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Old 12-15-2009, 07:04 AM
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I am so angry and hurt. Is it wrong for me to want to leave him after all this time? Am I stupid for having stayed as long as I have?
I've felt the same way as you. I've been with my abf for nearly 10 years and I am having a hard time getting over feeling like I'm obligated to stay with him too. All the plans we've made together and the dreams of what our future would be... and now I'm going to just flush those things down the toilet? The fact of the matter is, that your abf is making bad choices right now and you leaving is a consequence. It's not wrong in the least for you to want to leave. We take on a lot of stress and worry and drama that nobody WANTS to live with and should not have to live with.

And NO, you are not stupid for staying as long as you have. If that's the case, then I'm stupider (if that's a word lol) than you are. We all stay for as long as we stay for different reasons. I've stayed because I listened to his words for too long and ignored his actions. I stayed because I didn't understand the power of addiction.... and.... because I love him. We had big dreams for our future together and I had my eye on the prize...on the good life he told me we'd have. Whatever your reason for staying, it's not stupid. Please keep reading around here. I have learned so much just by reading everyone else's stories.
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Old 12-15-2009, 08:03 AM
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You are very fortunate that your car was not impounded.

What's done is done. What matters is now. Your instincts are solid about not bailing him out of his jam of his own making. Give him the gift of dignity to realize the consequences of his choices.

His addiction is not about you although it can effect you as much as you allow it to do so. Please consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It's at your library or used for about $2.00 at Amzon. It can change your life , if you allow it to do so.
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Old 12-16-2009, 07:28 PM
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after you have been reading here for a short while, you will find out there are many, many others who have the same brand of "stupidity" that you do. recognize, learn, make decisions, but be gentle with yourself.

my abf says: "we hate pain, we can't stand being in pain. the back injury is an excuse to use, but it's because he doesn't wanna be in pain" (someone else said something about withdrawals - i guess they're brutal)

there is no right or wrong when it comes to making decisions about staying in a relationship. sounds as if you've already made one.
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