Crying...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Crying...
I kept seeing the word codependent on here....I thought it was something that it is not. I thought it meant that I was dependent on my significant other.
I finally looked into it, and when I read what I'm about to post, I sank down in my chair, exhaled and the tears started coming, they still haven't stopped completely.
This explains why I'm with him. This explains everything. He has to fix himself, but this....this codependency.....almost word for word, this is me:
Codependency - What is it?
Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse, children or co-workers. Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.
Codependency - A Matter of Control
Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."
Codependency causes internal struggles with the opinions of others. Codependents may make decisions based on what they think other people want them to do. While they may believe that their motive for helping people is compassion, in reality they are doing it because they want love or approval. They may come to recognize the underlying nature of their behavior when they become hurt or angry at people they have helped who didn't return the same amount of help, love, or appreciation when they themselves were in need. They have difficulty understanding that instead of helping others by providing things they need, they may actually be hurting them by creating a dependent relationship.
Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all of their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another throughout the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.
Codependency - The Questions
Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?
Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?
I wanted to post this for anyone else who might possibly not be aware of what it is.
I need to fix this, I have to fix this! What do I do?
I finally looked into it, and when I read what I'm about to post, I sank down in my chair, exhaled and the tears started coming, they still haven't stopped completely.
This explains why I'm with him. This explains everything. He has to fix himself, but this....this codependency.....almost word for word, this is me:
Codependency - What is it?
Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse, children or co-workers. Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.
Codependency - A Matter of Control
Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."
Codependency causes internal struggles with the opinions of others. Codependents may make decisions based on what they think other people want them to do. While they may believe that their motive for helping people is compassion, in reality they are doing it because they want love or approval. They may come to recognize the underlying nature of their behavior when they become hurt or angry at people they have helped who didn't return the same amount of help, love, or appreciation when they themselves were in need. They have difficulty understanding that instead of helping others by providing things they need, they may actually be hurting them by creating a dependent relationship.
Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all of their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another throughout the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.
Codependency - The Questions
Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?
Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?
I wanted to post this for anyone else who might possibly not be aware of what it is.
I need to fix this, I have to fix this! What do I do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
This too
Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
•An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
•A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
•A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
•A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
•An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
•An extreme need for approval and recognition
•A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
•A compelling need to control others
•Lack of trust in self and/or others
•Fear of being abandoned or alone
•Difficulty identifying feelings
•Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
•Problems with intimacy/boundaries
•Chronic anger
•Lying/dishonesty
•Poor communications
•Difficulty making decisions
Sigh
I never knew
I always thought this was just my personality, just the way I was....I'm so upset with myself.
•An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
•A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
•A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
•A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
•An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
•An extreme need for approval and recognition
•A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
•A compelling need to control others
•Lack of trust in self and/or others
•Fear of being abandoned or alone
•Difficulty identifying feelings
•Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
•Problems with intimacy/boundaries
•Chronic anger
•Lying/dishonesty
•Poor communications
•Difficulty making decisions
Sigh
I never knew
I always thought this was just my personality, just the way I was....I'm so upset with myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Oh no :o(
I answered YES to every single one of these.......
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
I answered YES to every single one of these.......
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
When I first read what it was, I felt a huge sense of relief. I realized that it was something that common among people who've been raised by alcoholics, and I wasn't alone. Now that I know what it is, I can work on it. There are actual things I can do to recover from it, so I don't have to live like this forever.
Do you have the book, Codependency No More? It's suuuuch a good book!
It sounds like you're shocked that you are codependent. I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself (another symptom) and are able to start taking the steps toward a happier you.
We're all here for you and many of us are working through the same things as you, so you're not alone!
Hang in there Elsie. Everything is going to be ok! It really is!
Do you have the book, Codependency No More? It's suuuuch a good book!
It sounds like you're shocked that you are codependent. I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself (another symptom) and are able to start taking the steps toward a happier you.
We're all here for you and many of us are working through the same things as you, so you're not alone!
Hang in there Elsie. Everything is going to be ok! It really is!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I need to fix this, I have to fix this! What do I do?
Easy does it! Don't go all codie and feel like you have to fix this right now today!!!
Codependency ripens over many years so it takes time and practice to unlearn.
Try the library first and get a copy of Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More.
Try AlAnon meetings, they are free and have a long long history of recovering people from codependence. I learned some excellent tools at AlAnon and by working the steps I really did change myself and my codie habits of mind.
I also needed therapy - I kind of woke up and realized I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted or what my real problems were. A weekly therapy appointment kept me on track.
As they always say the first step is admitting the problem.
Then begins the road to recovery! Keep seeking answers and accepting help! It's not easy but it is absolutely worth it!
Peace-
B
Easy does it! Don't go all codie and feel like you have to fix this right now today!!!
Codependency ripens over many years so it takes time and practice to unlearn.
Try the library first and get a copy of Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More.
Try AlAnon meetings, they are free and have a long long history of recovering people from codependence. I learned some excellent tools at AlAnon and by working the steps I really did change myself and my codie habits of mind.
I also needed therapy - I kind of woke up and realized I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted or what my real problems were. A weekly therapy appointment kept me on track.
As they always say the first step is admitting the problem.
Then begins the road to recovery! Keep seeking answers and accepting help! It's not easy but it is absolutely worth it!
Peace-
B
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Elsie,
Bernadette beat me to it. You're not alone. Many of us come here looking for answers on how to help our addicted or alcoholic loved ones, only to discover that we might need some help too!
I found help by attending Al Anon meetings, going to some counseling, and by doing a LOT of reading. It was really difficult for me to "let go" at first, and my family resisted the changes I wanted to make. After all, I'd been carrying a lot of responsibility for a really long time - most of it wasn't mine to carry, but I carried it anyway!
I also recommend Co Dependent No More. It has some great wisdom and allowed me to learn what behaviors and consequences belonged to me and what ones belonged to someone else.
Good luck... I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you've joined us!
Cats
Bernadette beat me to it. You're not alone. Many of us come here looking for answers on how to help our addicted or alcoholic loved ones, only to discover that we might need some help too!
I found help by attending Al Anon meetings, going to some counseling, and by doing a LOT of reading. It was really difficult for me to "let go" at first, and my family resisted the changes I wanted to make. After all, I'd been carrying a lot of responsibility for a really long time - most of it wasn't mine to carry, but I carried it anyway!
I also recommend Co Dependent No More. It has some great wisdom and allowed me to learn what behaviors and consequences belonged to me and what ones belonged to someone else.
Good luck... I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you've joined us!
Cats
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Don't be sad...it's a good thing to recognize what needs to be changed in yourself. It helps you on your journey to become well again. We all are in your shoes in various degrees of treatment. CoDependant No More is a great way to start your journey. It does sound corny when you hear it, but we really are here for you! I just started on this forum and it has done me such good to know I am not alone in this madness.
One day at a time or you become overwhelmed! Good luck!
One day at a time or you become overwhelmed! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Trust me when people are saying you are not alone they mean YOU ARE NOT ALONE. When I first got a copy of "Codependent No More" I bought it for a friend I thought might benefit! Now how codie is that??
Recently I have gone through the most difficult time of my entire life following a 12 year marriage with an A. He is now my XAH and after a third trip to rehab he now lives in a half way house. He has no money, no job, no food and no family offering up a place to go or a soft pillow to land. I still love him. So when I tell you it has been gut wrenching I mean there are moments when I fill like my guts are litterally twising inside out. But by the grace of God I suddenly decided to read that book "Codependent No More" for myself and I was so relieved to know what was wrong with me that I found some immediate peace. I now have also read "Beyond Codependence" and I take five minutes every morning to read in the "Language of Letting Go" which is daily meditation for Codependents by the same author.
My urge to help him and rescue him is so overwhelming at times that I do not think I would still be staying strong if it were not for those books, my counselor and SR. My counselor says it will take me much longer to recover than him. So hang in there and no you are not alone.
Recently I have gone through the most difficult time of my entire life following a 12 year marriage with an A. He is now my XAH and after a third trip to rehab he now lives in a half way house. He has no money, no job, no food and no family offering up a place to go or a soft pillow to land. I still love him. So when I tell you it has been gut wrenching I mean there are moments when I fill like my guts are litterally twising inside out. But by the grace of God I suddenly decided to read that book "Codependent No More" for myself and I was so relieved to know what was wrong with me that I found some immediate peace. I now have also read "Beyond Codependence" and I take five minutes every morning to read in the "Language of Letting Go" which is daily meditation for Codependents by the same author.
My urge to help him and rescue him is so overwhelming at times that I do not think I would still be staying strong if it were not for those books, my counselor and SR. My counselor says it will take me much longer to recover than him. So hang in there and no you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Hi Elsie,
I'm a codpendent too! You're in GREAT company here. :lol
Good suggestions have been made above so I don't have much to add. Just wanted you to know you are NOT ALONE. We are all here doing it one day at a time.
I'm a codpendent too! You're in GREAT company here. :lol
Good suggestions have been made above so I don't have much to add. Just wanted you to know you are NOT ALONE. We are all here doing it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You've got a codie friend in me
I too went out and read Codependent No More and FREAKED because oh. my. god. it was so me written on every single page. The one who always offered to help...the one who stretched herself so thin and felt angry about it, but couldn't do a thing about it...the one who wanted to save the entire freaking world while crumbling inside...And of course, I wanted to fix everything IMMEDIATELY, because that's just how I am. Instant gratification NOW DAMNIT!
Obviously, I didn't succeed, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm learning how to take my time with this recovery, to be ok with failing/having relapses, and not to run around like a chicken with its head cut off wanting to heal all wounds right away. Every day brings new wisdom. Every day HP offers me a chance to learn more, or to gently heal.
Yep, you're so not alone.
I too went out and read Codependent No More and FREAKED because oh. my. god. it was so me written on every single page. The one who always offered to help...the one who stretched herself so thin and felt angry about it, but couldn't do a thing about it...the one who wanted to save the entire freaking world while crumbling inside...And of course, I wanted to fix everything IMMEDIATELY, because that's just how I am. Instant gratification NOW DAMNIT!
Obviously, I didn't succeed, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm learning how to take my time with this recovery, to be ok with failing/having relapses, and not to run around like a chicken with its head cut off wanting to heal all wounds right away. Every day brings new wisdom. Every day HP offers me a chance to learn more, or to gently heal.
Yep, you're so not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Thanks everyone
I think I panicked this morning, I feel a bit better now, and I put two books on hold for me to go pick up tomorrow, hopefully.
All the kind words and encouragement are very helpful and very much appreciated!
I'm so glad I found these forums!
All the kind words and encouragement are very helpful and very much appreciated!
I'm so glad I found these forums!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Be gentle with yourself Elsie.
What I have learnt through my recovery is that codependant thinking is quite often a coping mechanism that is adopted when a person is exposed to unhealthy dynamics for a an extended period of time.
I agree with this whole heartedly.
Since I have split from my A and distanced myself from other toxic personalities in my life (minimal time with mum and dad who are both ACOA and refusing to deal with or even accept the effects on them of their own childhood) I have found 'me'.
I labelled myself codependant many moons ago, but I find increasingly that this term does not define me. I am not codependant for life, I temporarily took onboard codependant charactertraits.
I don't know if I am explaining this very well! I guess what I am saying is don't let this define who you are.
You are not sick, unhealthy or damaged. You are just trying to deal with a unbelievably difficult situation the best way you knew how. Like my signature says 'now I know better, I will do better'.
If codependancy was THE reason we found ourselves with an A; there would never be stories of 'healthy' or 'well centred' people getting involved with alcoholics, but there are. To state to ourselves that codependancy was the cause of my becoming involved with an alcoholic is like saying that only bad things happen to those who ask for it. Which anyone would testify to being an absolute pile of crock, lol!
The key is to learn from what has happened, learn about yourself, understand different approaches to difficult situations (which Melody Beattie does beautifully in Codependant no more) and through these activities move away from codependant thinking patterns. Armed with new techniques to life's challenges you will be highly unlikely to find yourself acting 'codependantly' again.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What I have learnt through my recovery is that codependant thinking is quite often a coping mechanism that is adopted when a person is exposed to unhealthy dynamics for a an extended period of time.
I agree with this whole heartedly.
Since I have split from my A and distanced myself from other toxic personalities in my life (minimal time with mum and dad who are both ACOA and refusing to deal with or even accept the effects on them of their own childhood) I have found 'me'.
I labelled myself codependant many moons ago, but I find increasingly that this term does not define me. I am not codependant for life, I temporarily took onboard codependant charactertraits.
I don't know if I am explaining this very well! I guess what I am saying is don't let this define who you are.
You are not sick, unhealthy or damaged. You are just trying to deal with a unbelievably difficult situation the best way you knew how. Like my signature says 'now I know better, I will do better'.
If codependancy was THE reason we found ourselves with an A; there would never be stories of 'healthy' or 'well centred' people getting involved with alcoholics, but there are. To state to ourselves that codependancy was the cause of my becoming involved with an alcoholic is like saying that only bad things happen to those who ask for it. Which anyone would testify to being an absolute pile of crock, lol!
The key is to learn from what has happened, learn about yourself, understand different approaches to difficult situations (which Melody Beattie does beautifully in Codependant no more) and through these activities move away from codependant thinking patterns. Armed with new techniques to life's challenges you will be highly unlikely to find yourself acting 'codependantly' again.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
i too am co dependant id never re1ised it ti11 reading these posts thank u so much i sha11 get this book is it ca11ed co dependcy and whos the author wi11 order it as soon as i can get to the shops or can i get it on the net u reckon ? is there 1ife after this though cos i think i was this with the ex hubby as we11 as the A im with now its just much worse now ive fe1t so out of contro1 and tired xkia
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Lilyflower 
Be gentle with yourself Elsie.
What I have learnt through my recovery is that codependant thinking is quite often a coping mechanism that is adopted when a person is exposed to unhealthy dynamics for a an extended period of time.
I agree with this whole heartedly.
Since I have split from my A and distanced myself from other toxic personalities in my life (minimal time with mum and dad who are both ACOA and refusing to deal with or even accept the effects on them of their own childhood) I have found 'me'.
I labelled myself codependant many moons ago, but I find increasingly that this term does not define me. I am not codependant for life, I temporarily took onboard codependant charactertraits.
I don't know if I am explaining this very well! I guess what I am saying is don't let this define who you are.
You are not sick, unhealthy or damaged. You are just trying to deal with a unbelievably difficult situation the best way you knew how. Like my signature says 'now I know better, I will do better'.
If codependancy was THE reason we found ourselves with an A; there would never be stories of 'healthy' or 'well centred' people getting involved with alcoholics, but there are. To state to ourselves that codependancy was the cause of my becoming involved with an alcoholic is like saying that only bad things happen to those who ask for it. Which anyone would testify to being an absolute pile of crock, lol!
The key is to learn from what has happened, learn about yourself, understand different approaches to difficult situations (which Melody Beattie does beautifully in Codependant no more) and through these activities move away from codependant thinking patterns. Armed with new techniques to life's challenges you will be highly unlikely to find yourself acting 'codependantly' again.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What I have learnt through my recovery is that codependant thinking is quite often a coping mechanism that is adopted when a person is exposed to unhealthy dynamics for a an extended period of time.
I agree with this whole heartedly.
Since I have split from my A and distanced myself from other toxic personalities in my life (minimal time with mum and dad who are both ACOA and refusing to deal with or even accept the effects on them of their own childhood) I have found 'me'.
I labelled myself codependant many moons ago, but I find increasingly that this term does not define me. I am not codependant for life, I temporarily took onboard codependant charactertraits.
I don't know if I am explaining this very well! I guess what I am saying is don't let this define who you are.
You are not sick, unhealthy or damaged. You are just trying to deal with a unbelievably difficult situation the best way you knew how. Like my signature says 'now I know better, I will do better'.
If codependancy was THE reason we found ourselves with an A; there would never be stories of 'healthy' or 'well centred' people getting involved with alcoholics, but there are. To state to ourselves that codependancy was the cause of my becoming involved with an alcoholic is like saying that only bad things happen to those who ask for it. Which anyone would testify to being an absolute pile of crock, lol!
The key is to learn from what has happened, learn about yourself, understand different approaches to difficult situations (which Melody Beattie does beautifully in Codependant no more) and through these activities move away from codependant thinking patterns. Armed with new techniques to life's challenges you will be highly unlikely to find yourself acting 'codependantly' again.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by wicked
yes, kia.
the book is called codependent no more.
The author is Melodie Beattie. (sp)
you probably could get a copy off the net easily.
good luck to you.
the book is called codependent no more.
The author is Melodie Beattie. (sp)
you probably could get a copy off the net easily.
good luck to you.
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