honoryourself

Let's see.. it's been a while since I posted.. maybe a few weeks? I was posting like crazy on the hard days, and reading like crazy on the good days.
I have had a lot of both extremes lately but thanking my HP for getting me through each day one day at a time!

For the past few weeks my AH has been getting progressively worse.. the good days fewer and far between, the bad days worse.
Some days he seems like he'll pay the bills and other days he blows up about how it's not his fault and this that or the other thing happened and he needs this money or that money.. Some days he verbally abuses me nonstop for as long as possible with whatever arsenal he's got.. to the point that it's so ridiculous the things he's saying that it's laughable, if he would only just shut up eventually. At night he tries to and sometimes I accept playing footsies in bed, but that's all. We haven't been intimate since September and I'm sure we never will again.

I've talked to a lawyer and am going to see another one tomorrow for a free consult. I'm strapped for money but I have so much support from friends and family. No one can understand how a man with so much hit such a hard decline so quickly. I knew he did drugs before but I didn't mention it to the whole fam. I partied with him too in another country but not here. This was our new life, clean and good. He swears / swore he'd never do it again and had no desire whatsoever to.

I found out today by the first phone snoop in a month that he is not only doing drugs again but a middle man selling some to his new work friends. He's scoring some stuff free/cheaper because of that, etc. He's still working, still claiming he's broke, but still going out on weekends partying. I think it's coke, but also looks like pills possibly, and a little weed to come down from the highs. It's really sad.

I just want this separation and divorce to go through and be over with, but I can't even get him to discuss a single item with me without blowing up and causing a fit. Plus whatever he says he changes his mind straight away. I can't afford to pay a lawyer to deal with him, and he's refusing to leave the house we are joint on the mortgage/deed on. He refuses to sell and he can't refinance it into his name.

He seems to have started on the drugs in the past month. He's also texting a girl from his work who is recently divorced, slightly flirty with her and asking her to bring her girl friend out 'for him' when he's meeting up w/ them. Most of his guy friends are single, recently broken up or recently divorced, and they drink a ton and obviously party. I have never met them, but one of them referred to me as a "C*NT WH**E". nice....
If I'd seen this stuff 2 months ago I would have vomited on the phone. I was impressed with how I handled this, slightly shaky. I didn't quite WANT to snoop his phone, because what's the point, I had a good feeling he was doing all this bad stuff anyway, why look for evidence that would upset me?

Well at the moment I'm looking for evidence that could help me get out of this mess. I need his cooperation in order to separate and divorce and/or not go bankrupt. I am hoping anything I come up with can help. I know the address of his dealer, but not his name. Strange, huh?
Anyway.. that's where I am.. that's the bad.


The good? Well, my friends and family are so great. I've been having more fun than ever when I'm not stressing over my AH. I made ginger bread cookies and did grocery shopping and cooked a delicious winter soup, played wii and watched a funny show with a girl friend of mine today.. I went bowling with my sister and made food for and visited w/ my grandparents yesterday, went bowling again on friday with a different friend and went for a walk to look at some christmas lights and enjoyed dinner and a glass of wine at a wine bar downtown I hadn't been to... it's great. I get to do a lot of really fun things. There have been weekends when everyone was busy and AH was out partying and those were HARD. I want to be separated so that when he's gone I'm not thinking about him, but I can't afford to leave and still pay all the bills. So I'm hoping something will be worked out when I speak to a lawyer tomorrow.. hoping for good advice!

Also on the up and up, Christmas is coming, I love the holidays. I managed to put up some lights and decorations by myself, even though I hesitated thinking how hard it would be. I opened the box of decorations and had to wince when I opened two ornaments that said "Our first home together, ** and **" and the date. How sad. But it can be replaced with better memories.

Also good, I got a raise at work.. in this economy!! I am continuing to work hard, hold my job down, be proactive and honest there, and get things done. I still have enough self confidence to represent myself well enough in a review in order to warrant a raise, yay! I mentioned to my boss about the impending separation/divorce and my boss was very understanding as he recently went through a divorce. I asked for a bonus and he said he'd give me one, but that I could just come to him when I needed it, and that way it wouldn't get wrapped up in marital funds and AH wouldn't get half of it! He even offered to write the bonus check directly to the lawyers, which would save me 30% in taxes on it, which is an amazing offer.

I always thought, if I keep it all inside, that's best. I can deal with everything on my own. And as much as I know I *can*, life gets a lot easier when you open the door just a little, accept the help of some loving friends family and strangers, and the world gets a little bit bigger each time.

I'm still so sad and mourning the loss of my dreams. But the way my AH is acting, he's not giving me much to miss. It's all my memories.

Thanks for letting me share!

barb dwyer

thanks honoryourself!

You sound very balanced, believe it or not.

Like you see what's really going on,
and are taking what you believe is the next right step.

GOod for you!

honoryourself

I have been struggling hard but it helps when people tell me I seem to have my head on straight. I went to visit my grandmom who doesn't know the FULL story but I'm sure knows some of it from my mother (more like, lazy do nothing husband half, who may be gambling/drinking too much). Anyway, she goes, "You are doing beautifully, ***!! You know when your aunt XYZ went through this we had to put her in a mental facility for a few weeks." lol! I love grandmom, she says what she means with no ill will, but she sure is wise and has been through way more than I have. She has the faith of her HP who gets her through everything, and she has down worrying to a science--she worries some, prays to her HP, and lets it go. As she put it, "We love, we love hard, but when we're done, we're done." Fair enough! But much easier for her to say, not being the one in this situation at the moment. Hoping everything will go well tomorrow. I just keep focusing on the positive, and trying to fill my life with happy, active, laughter-filled moments. The less I'm around insanity the happier I am.

barb dwyer

honor -

I particularly loved that part of your post.

because it's true for me as well.
When I'm done - I'm done.

trapeze

Good for you for finding things which make you happy!

tjp613

Considering all you have going on, you sound amazingly well. I'm so glad to hear you are living life....and even putting up Xmas decorations!! That's BIG!

honoryourself

Bucyn-- I spoke w/ another lawyer on Monday. In my state you cannot get a divorce w/o at least a year of separation and that's only if both parties agree. If he wanted to claim it was against his will that we were separated, it would take 2 years before even being able to file for the divorce. So unfortunately I have a long road ahead. In that year and a half or two years of waiting, a lot can happen, and I"m not willing to pay the mortgage for someone ELSE to sit in my house and do drugs and drink himself to death and who knows what else.
I can't prove when or where he has the substances. I have ideas of where he would keep it when he has it, but like all addicts, when he has it he's using it quickly, so there's only a small window of opportunity between purchasing and it being gone again.

I have already removed all important documents from our house, he has no idea. They are at at family member's house. I would rather pay the fee for a lawyer (as long as it's just a couple thousand) than take any more risks with what's going on. There is no way in the world AH would agree to anything right now, he is in an awful state of mind.
I have recorded on my phone some of the crazy yelling/screaming and took a couple camera phone pics of the aftermath--busted beer bottle smashed on the floor, kicked overturned furniture, steaks splattered on the ceiling and left on the floor.. should have gotten one of the hole he punched in the wall a while back.. lol... but he fixed that one ages ago. Unfortunately recording someone w/o their consent or knowledge is illegal here too. I'd imagine so would be webcams? and I'm sure any evidence gleaned from his emails or chats would be illegal on my part as well, as I was warned by the lawyer. He said use it for your info if you are going to do that but don't start flaunting it or he could use it against you.

We have no savings, so that's no issue.. haha.


You are very correct about the money never gets better w/ an alcoholic statement. I think I have hesitated long enough to see what I"m really in for. He just got an email yesterday from someone he owes $750 to for the past few months from the last business he had tried to start and then nipped it in the bud. They are going to be tracking him down for that.. and they are just down the street! And, based on what I read, he owes a dealer at least $500 today. He'd already told me this weekend that they were 'ripping him off by another 600 dolalrs in his paycheck again' at his work. hah. coincidence? No...

Plus he's supposed to pay me at least $750 for bills today and I know his bank account is empty, etc. It's pay day, so we'll see what happens today. I don't want to start the war before I'm ready to move out. I'm keeping things slightly status quo. I need time to prepare to leave...


Here's what I'm trying to figure out--my lawyer said I had to go.. and when I do, do it right. He said to take anything that has any value at all to me, take whatever I want. If he watns it back he can ask for it in the divorce proceedings, which as I said are a long way from now. I would LIKE to take every damn thing in the house, seeing as I"m probably who paid for 90% of it. However I know if I literally empty the house that he won't leave, there may be serious repercussions because that would not be 'fair'. So I don't know what to do.. Does anyone have any experience w/ this? I know items can be replaced.. but if I leave stuff there there is a good chance it could be ruined, sold, etc. And if he leaves sooner or later, I'll be left w/ the mess. Then again if it's an empty house one day when he comes home, I wouldn't put it past him to go nuts and do something like bust out all the windows or something.

gah.. so hard to know just how far to go.

I have to do what's best for me, but what would be best is if I leave, take everything I want or put it in storage etc., take my name off the bge bill and shut it off, stop paying the mortgage etc., could even take his car back (even though it's a debt not an asset as it's upside down, he'd be w/o a car)... he could just say screw this, give up, and go back to his home country. That would be great.. then I could move back in, maybe save the house from foreclosure? and at least get teh separation under way....

The lawyer said though that in that case, there's no reason for me to want to keep paying on the house, because I would need AH's signature to sell the house ever anyway. If AH goes back to his home country after such a crazy situation like that, there's no telling if he would ever sign off. Then I could end up with the house with equity in it, forever, no way to sell it, etc... wasting my money going into it....

Whew! So much to think about. Right now I have to work though.