Elsie

Yesterday, he was grumpy and very negative, not being so nice to me.
I had to go Christmas shopping, he took the kids to a nearby restaraunt and had a few (4) beers with his lunch.
Upon picking them up, he was happier, and I told him how he's "so different after a few beers!"
He took great offence to this and demanded that I "take it back".

He had that *look* in his eye...the look of "take it back or I'm headed back to my apartment after we get to your house" Or "Take it back or I'm making your life miserable until I'm over it"

I caved and took it back.

Pelican

You'll stop taking it back when you've had enough.

You and I aren't the first ones to think "maybe this time will be different".

I finally accepted that the only thing that was different in my relationship was the date on the calendar. Nothing changed because I was not ready to change.

myawakening

Pelican is right. You stop taking it back when you are ready. My father was a very abusive person and my mother had a very hard life. Once day after many starts and stops...she left him and never looked back! I asked her many times over the years while married to AH..."How did you know when you were ready. How did you know this time it was 'right'?" Her only answer to me was "You will know! You will feel it and know.". She was 100% correct. My day came after being embarrassed and humiliated in front of my family during dinner. This was the third time in about 3 weeks that he had been drinking and nasty in front of them. I could see it in my married daughters face and it just hit me. Once everyone left and I had cleaned up the kitchen, I walked quietly into the room where he was watching tv and took the remote. I shut off the tv and said very quietly..."I shut off the tv because I want to make sure you hear me correctly. Get a lawyer...I am divorcing you. I will not live in this insanity with your drinking anymore." I walked out of the room and the next day I put a deposit on an apartment. I have never felt so free in a very long time. Has it been easy? No, but certainly worth it. Stay strong! Good luck!

missmuffet

I agree until your "done" you will keep going back, and always thinking maybe this time will work, wait till after the holidays, or a birthday, etc. In your mind you will always find a way to justify to yourself that now is not the time. When your "Done" it won't matter what is going on. After 14 years I had finally had enough being married to a A. I thank God on a daily bases that I did not make the same mistake the 2nd marriage- which by the way was my biggedt fear. I have been married to a great man for 23 years. So there is hope that it can stop. I try to live by the idea that there is acceptable behavior. If I do not accept a behavior in my home it can't happen. or if it does the people who cause it will have to leave. My husband totally agrees with this theory. So it has been working for 23 years.

Bernadette

I grew up with an alcoholic father.
I have kept my own kids away from people who drink 4 beers at lunch! Or when it has been unavoidable (I have alcoholic brothers) I always explain to my boys just what it is that is unhealthy about that level of alcohol consumption and the attitude and dangers that go with it.

I used to hate those kinds of stupid stupid futile arguments with a drunk brother. Take it back! Give me a break, what are we on the playground!!!??? I had to set my own boundary of not engaging with drunk people. So I just don't anymore - I do whatever it takes to preserve my peace & sanity. I simply will not walk on eggshells ( a skill I learned well in childhood) in order to keep the peace with a drunk person. It makes me feel too depressed, crazy, and codependent.

AlAnon helped me with that - so did individual therapy. Codependence is a habit, a very very bad and sick habit of mind that I needed help learning to break.

The past is gone Elsie, you are free in this moment!

peace-
b

Carol Star

I miss the thanks button. Code is a habit. I need that tatooed on my wrist....so I can konk myself! THANKS.