Addict is out of the house
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Addict is out of the house
Well...he is finally out of the house...it has been about a week. I thought I was doing really well until he came today to get some of his stuff.
I have been feeling some what happy and at peace without him here. I have I think got my respect back for myself for making him leave.
When he came today...he made comments about his drug use and his dealing drugs. He must have had about 15 calls on his phone while he was here. He seems so casual about everything, like he has accepted the break up..it has only been a week.
My question is how do you NOT feel sad that HE has chosen the drug life over you? I know that is not the case and that he is an addict and that is just what they do...but surely at some point they have to feel something for you or realize what they are giving up for the DRUG.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...but I do know that I was much better before he came over. Hopefully it will pass. Maybe it is just actually SEEING with my own eyes his attitude and seeing that he is CHOOSING the drug over me that hurts the most.
Thanks for listening...just needed to vent. I do know that I'm better off without him, it just hurts to watch it right now. I pray it gets easier!
I have been feeling some what happy and at peace without him here. I have I think got my respect back for myself for making him leave.
When he came today...he made comments about his drug use and his dealing drugs. He must have had about 15 calls on his phone while he was here. He seems so casual about everything, like he has accepted the break up..it has only been a week.
My question is how do you NOT feel sad that HE has chosen the drug life over you? I know that is not the case and that he is an addict and that is just what they do...but surely at some point they have to feel something for you or realize what they are giving up for the DRUG.
I don't know what I'm trying to say...but I do know that I was much better before he came over. Hopefully it will pass. Maybe it is just actually SEEING with my own eyes his attitude and seeing that he is CHOOSING the drug over me that hurts the most.
Thanks for listening...just needed to vent. I do know that I'm better off without him, it just hurts to watch it right now. I pray it gets easier!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Maybe, instead of looking at it like HE is making the choice, try looking at it like YOU made the choice to NOT live that way anymore. If he is dealing drugs, he is engaging in illegal activity and if he is living with you, if he is caught, it could very well affect you in ways that would be quite unpleasant from a legal standpoint.
Put the focus on YOU and the advancements you have made since he has been gone. After all, you made him leave, and admit that you have your self-respect back. That's wonderful progress!
Put the focus on YOU and the advancements you have made since he has been gone. After all, you made him leave, and admit that you have your self-respect back. That's wonderful progress!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Thank you....That is exactly why I needed to post today after he left. I needed some support.
I know I am better off without him here. It can just be hard at times when I attempt to wrap my mind around WHY all this had to happen. WHY they choose the lifestyle they choose, why do I care, why do I still let it affect me, why do I still feel the need to feel sorry for him when he has no place to live or a place to call home. Why do I care when he obviously does NOT?
I guess because I'm human and have compassion for someone and deep down still loves him, but not the drug addict him. So, I know I need to move on and focus on myself and making myself better and making a better future for myself. I deserve that!
I know I am better off without him here. It can just be hard at times when I attempt to wrap my mind around WHY all this had to happen. WHY they choose the lifestyle they choose, why do I care, why do I still let it affect me, why do I still feel the need to feel sorry for him when he has no place to live or a place to call home. Why do I care when he obviously does NOT?
I guess because I'm human and have compassion for someone and deep down still loves him, but not the drug addict him. So, I know I need to move on and focus on myself and making myself better and making a better future for myself. I deserve that!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
He simply cannot imagine a life without drugs, it is just too terrifying to contemplate. The only way he can and will go without recovery is down; don't let him take you down with him. It is painful but the pain will pass in time, and I promise you will be a stronger person for it. Thoughts are with u.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i completely get what you are saying. if it were possible, how could he look at a pile of drugs on the table, then turn and look at the beautiful YOU that you are, and actually CHOOSE the drugs? it's just not that simple though.
when i was doing some internet research on opiate addiction, i remember reading that in recovery the guilt is so difficult and is one of things that can sabotage their success. the writer said that even in the throes of their using, everything they have done is still in there, inside of them, in their memory, somewhere - even though they don't acknowledge, or maybe even remember, those things. there are triggers and sometimes the memory (even if it's just a feeling) hits them and it's hard - painful.
my point is that there is a caring, feeling person inside still, but it is so buried, and it will not come out unless and until the addiction is arrested. he is a different person, he has this compulsion and physical addiction and it's NOT personal, not even a little. you need to know that, and when you start hurting and it feels personal, your head knows it, and it can remind your heart. you're right, i think that is the most painful part - why would he betray my trust, and choose that over me? but he's just out of his mind, and on some level he does know better, but he can't get to that level, because that would be the rational part of him, which is buried right now.
can i also say to not talk yourself out of your grief. you're supposed to be sad, this is sad, sad stuff.
when i was doing some internet research on opiate addiction, i remember reading that in recovery the guilt is so difficult and is one of things that can sabotage their success. the writer said that even in the throes of their using, everything they have done is still in there, inside of them, in their memory, somewhere - even though they don't acknowledge, or maybe even remember, those things. there are triggers and sometimes the memory (even if it's just a feeling) hits them and it's hard - painful.
my point is that there is a caring, feeling person inside still, but it is so buried, and it will not come out unless and until the addiction is arrested. he is a different person, he has this compulsion and physical addiction and it's NOT personal, not even a little. you need to know that, and when you start hurting and it feels personal, your head knows it, and it can remind your heart. you're right, i think that is the most painful part - why would he betray my trust, and choose that over me? but he's just out of his mind, and on some level he does know better, but he can't get to that level, because that would be the rational part of him, which is buried right now.
can i also say to not talk yourself out of your grief. you're supposed to be sad, this is sad, sad stuff.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
just my esp. try to imagine him being 2 separate people, "him" the addict and him the old him. the addicted "him" is in control right now and the old "him" is like a smaller "him" inside struggling to get out. the addicted one is concerned only with drugs but the weaker one care about important things(loved ones) being the weaker of the two, he needs help breaking free. he knows what he needs to do, whats best to do but addiction is in control.
it took for me to totally hit rock bottom before i could even find the strength to go to rehab. it was the fight of a life time. i couldn't see or hear that i needed help until i thought i was near death. then and only then was i willing and ready to do what ever it took to save myself.
i agree with coffee, its not personal, not about you at all. try to stay in the day that you are in, keep the focus on you, it will get easier.
my ah would act the same unconcern way whenever he had to leave( mos to yrs) and no sooner than me and the kids were feeling better and doing ok, here he comes again, needing to pick up something else(excuse). it was like he had a built in radar or something. i eventually decided to pack up all of his stuff and sent them to him,
when i got honest with myself, i realized as long as his things were here, somehow i felt some kind of connection, i think i got some kind of comfort knowing that sooner or later he would call, if for nothing more than his things which was almost always just an excuse for him to check to see if somehow when he was ready, the door was still open to him. once he figured that it was, he'd go back to using.
i dont' know if this makes any sense but i'm not gonna edit anything. i was just kind of rambling. i know the feeling and yes it does hurt like crazy.
it took for me to totally hit rock bottom before i could even find the strength to go to rehab. it was the fight of a life time. i couldn't see or hear that i needed help until i thought i was near death. then and only then was i willing and ready to do what ever it took to save myself.
i agree with coffee, its not personal, not about you at all. try to stay in the day that you are in, keep the focus on you, it will get easier.
my ah would act the same unconcern way whenever he had to leave( mos to yrs) and no sooner than me and the kids were feeling better and doing ok, here he comes again, needing to pick up something else(excuse). it was like he had a built in radar or something. i eventually decided to pack up all of his stuff and sent them to him,
when i got honest with myself, i realized as long as his things were here, somehow i felt some kind of connection, i think i got some kind of comfort knowing that sooner or later he would call, if for nothing more than his things which was almost always just an excuse for him to check to see if somehow when he was ready, the door was still open to him. once he figured that it was, he'd go back to using.
i dont' know if this makes any sense but i'm not gonna edit anything. i was just kind of rambling. i know the feeling and yes it does hurt like crazy.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Yes Teke everything you said makes sense....thank you
I do know he is leaving things here because he hopes to come back someday and/or he just wants an excuse to need to come over. I also think I have not forced the issue of him getting everything out because then that would be really FINAL...I know I will get to that point soon. I have asked him to get everything but he really does not have anywhere to take it and he gets really moody when I do.
I know he knows what he needs to do and what he should be doing...but the addiction is truly taking him over. He gets worse by the day. It has only been a week and he looked like he lost at least 5 lbs and that cold look in his eyes is more apparant now.
Just typing that last paragraph made me realize I need to stop fantasizing and just be greatful he is not here.
What a sad sad life he leads. I feel for anyone that has to deal with someone with an addiction. It is I believe the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with other than death of a family member. If I think about it ...it feels like death of a loved one sometimes.
Thanks for listening and responding
I do know he is leaving things here because he hopes to come back someday and/or he just wants an excuse to need to come over. I also think I have not forced the issue of him getting everything out because then that would be really FINAL...I know I will get to that point soon. I have asked him to get everything but he really does not have anywhere to take it and he gets really moody when I do.
I know he knows what he needs to do and what he should be doing...but the addiction is truly taking him over. He gets worse by the day. It has only been a week and he looked like he lost at least 5 lbs and that cold look in his eyes is more apparant now.
Just typing that last paragraph made me realize I need to stop fantasizing and just be greatful he is not here.
What a sad sad life he leads. I feel for anyone that has to deal with someone with an addiction. It is I believe the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with other than death of a family member. If I think about it ...it feels like death of a loved one sometimes.
Thanks for listening and responding
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by tchappy 
I know he knows what he needs to do and what he should be doing...but the addiction is truly taking him over. He gets worse by the day. It has only been a week and he looked like he lost at least 5 lbs and that cold look in his eyes is more apparant now.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Your right about that. It does feel like a death and in alot of ways it is. And we greive for the person they used to be or the way we thought they were. And it does hurt, it's a raw pain we have to bear.
I just wanted to show some love, I am in a similar situation. All we have to do is take our baby steps and make it through each day one at a time.
It's bound to get better, after all if you look at it haven't we been through most of the hell already?
Hang in there,
Teggie
I just wanted to show some love, I am in a similar situation. All we have to do is take our baby steps and make it through each day one at a time.
It's bound to get better, after all if you look at it haven't we been through most of the hell already?
Hang in there,
Teggie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
btw, i didn't pack his stuff for him, it was for me. it got to painful for him to keep calling for those little things that i knew he didn't really need. yes it hurt to do and my ah didn't have a home either but it hurt me more for him to keep popping in and out. it does sound final but that will be your choice and not his.
in my opinion, i think even if you did make him move all of his things, when he's ready, he'll probably still check back from time to time, just to see if you are back to the old you. try not to think final if you are not ready. forever is a long time, just do it for today.
in my opinion, i think even if you did make him move all of his things, when he's ready, he'll probably still check back from time to time, just to see if you are back to the old you. try not to think final if you are not ready. forever is a long time, just do it for today.
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