mamaplus2kids

I had a major breakthrough yesterday I want to share with you.

I have been unhappy the last few months. Nothing big, but feeling unloved. My boyfriend and I have spent very little time together recently.

Then, last Thursday he came with me to our book club dinner, which took place at a pub in town that happens to have good food. To get to our little private party in the back of the restaurant, we had to walk through the bar area, where a few locals were drinking. He stopped at the bar, and I continued on to the back of the restaurant, feeling disturbed that he hadn't joined me. I should have insisted that he come with me.

The thing that really bothered me was that he didn't come to our group for the next HOUR! I was really hurt and embarrassed. My friends kept asking where he was and commenting that he didn't like them. By dinner time, he was quite tipsy, and I was worried that he might not fit in at the table. Dinner went well, but he was so drunk at the end of the night that I should have driven him to his house, but I didn't. We went to my house, where he immediately went to the TV. I went to bed, only to be wakened the rest of the night by his snoring.

Then, yesterday I finally had enough. I felt so depressed. I wrote down all my problems and all my bottom lines.

Then, I called him and told him I didn't want him to come over tonight, and that I was upset. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID THIS! He made some comment about only having cheese and bread at his house, and I reminded him that that's his favorite meal. I saw the attempt at manipulation!

Later, when I felt better I told him the reasons for being upset:

-how he treated me at the book club dinner
-how he got drunk
-how he doesn't do anything with me and my kids
-how he fits me in when it suits him and his schedule
-how I can no longer accept his pot smoking
-how I need more from the relationship
-how unloved I feel (the fact that he says he loves me isn't enough anymore)

I suggested that he go to a clinic to deal with his pot addiction. I suggested that we take some time off to figure out what we want. He wanted to talk again later in the evening, but I didn't call him back. I had spoken my mind.

I had a wonderful evening watching a movie in bed. I don't feel the pangs or cravings that I felt before. I didn't break up with him, but I warned him that I wasn't happy and needed more from the relationship. If it weren't pre-Christmas, I would have broken up.

I am happy that I said no to his coming over. I need to keep doing that.

WizeDeb

Stand your ground! Im going to try your writing down the problems and the bottom line on things. Thats a great idea. I keep thinking I lost my "power" so to speak, I think this is another way of reclaiming whats mine. Great post!

tjp613

If you have to "insist he come with you" then that would be an attempt at control. Allowing him to behave as he naturally would showed you his real personality. See the beauty of detaching? Now you are better able to evaluate whether this is the relationship you want for yourself! You did good! Now the next step is to figure out what you will and will not accept in your relationship, let him know what the deal-breakers are, then release the control. How liberating is that?!?

mamaplus2kids

So one deal breaker I have to discuss with him is precisely that: if he refuses to be polite and respectful to my friends, then I'm out.

Here's another problem... one of my deal breakers is that I won't be with a drug addict. But this is a difficult one to monitor. Plus, this site is teaching us to focus on the behavior not the amounts and types of drugs consumed. So I am trying to come up with some good bottom lines that I could communicate with him:

-if he refused to be polite and respectful to my friends
-if he stole and lied to me
-if he had an affair
-if he was drunk in front of my kids
-if he stopped having sex with me
-if he no longer wanted to be with me; no longer loved me
-if he expected me to pay for him
-if he was mean to my kids
-if he started asking me for money
-if he became abusive
-if he were a drug addict (hard to monitor)

The first and the last one are the ones that are bothering me, as I don't know if he is a drug addict. Plus, he never acts stoned or high. Plus, he says it wasn't his intention to be rude.

The fact is that he's not giving enough, and I feel neglected and depressed. I wish he would spend one whole weekend with us... or one whole day. He says he could do this, but not all the time.