About my messy self
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
About my messy self
I've been reading some posts here and feell this is a good place to speak openly and not be judged. I hope. Throughout the past few years Ive gone through a heavy painkiller addiction and my husband has caught up to me. We go back and forth with who is worse at a given time. Right now he is in rehab several states away. Im home with my 2 kids dreading Christmas and pregnant with the 3rd baby. Husband won' be home til the first week of January.
Since being pregnant I have taken painkillers. I feel so guilty about that every second of my day but the desire is quite strong sometimes. These days I think about using more than I actually do but being on my own is proving to be stressful for me and I hope here I can come and be honest about my experiences.
Not easy to tell just anyone that not only am I addicted to painkillers but I have used while pregnant. Hopefully I can get through each day sober and have a clean 2nd half of my pregnancy. As much as I love this baby Im carrying the desire to use is that much stronger at times. If anything is wrong this baby I would never be able to forgive myself.
Since being pregnant I have taken painkillers. I feel so guilty about that every second of my day but the desire is quite strong sometimes. These days I think about using more than I actually do but being on my own is proving to be stressful for me and I hope here I can come and be honest about my experiences.
Not easy to tell just anyone that not only am I addicted to painkillers but I have used while pregnant. Hopefully I can get through each day sober and have a clean 2nd half of my pregnancy. As much as I love this baby Im carrying the desire to use is that much stronger at times. If anything is wrong this baby I would never be able to forgive myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I appreciate that it was hard for you to write that post. I hope that you will talk to your dr about your addiction and that you have used drugs while pregnant.
Please focus on your unborn child and stay sober. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
I appreciate that it was hard for you to write that post. I hope that you will talk to your dr about your addiction and that you have used drugs while pregnant.
Please focus on your unborn child and stay sober. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined the family. It's good that you want to be clean and are willing to give it a try. I understand the stress of the holidays too, and I do'nt have two kids at home by myself. Do you have any source of respite for yourself? Anyone to watch the kids so you could go out to visit a friend or see a movie? I hope you can use SR to stay clean for your own sake and for your baby's sake. (((hugs)))
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Thank you 51anna. I think having people I can turn to will help. Even if its just on the computer. 
I think having people that KNOW what Im going through will be easier than trying to handle it on my own and just cringing in shame if I do mess up. Kind of like I have someone to answer to if that makes sense. LOL I know I have to be clean for me but for the baby Im carrying is even more important of a reason I think.
I think having people that KNOW what Im going through will be easier than trying to handle it on my own and just cringing in shame if I do mess up. Kind of like I have someone to answer to if that makes sense. LOL I know I have to be clean for me but for the baby Im carrying is even more important of a reason I think.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi ((Decbaby)), and welcome to SR...
I want to say right off that you are very courageous to come and be honest about your using in your situation...
I can appreciate how stressful your situation is, even without the stress of trying not to use...
As Least has suggested, getting some support, even if it is just here and there, for respite, so that you have the opportunity to recharge is so important ..
Depending on your income, you could qualify for regular, free respite care..
Now, as to your using while you are pregnant, I would like to suggest getting someone to watch the children, calling a local hospital and making arrangements with them to visit the preemie ward where the babies, born of addicted moms, are being nursed...It will be difficult, I know, but maybe, after seeing these tiny little addicted newborns, it might be a really helpful visual when you have those tougher moments of wanting to use...and please think about coming clean with your doctor about your addiction and that you have used during this pregnancy...very important..
If I were in your spot, that is what I would do....please take gentle care, you are in my prayers
I want to say right off that you are very courageous to come and be honest about your using in your situation...
I can appreciate how stressful your situation is, even without the stress of trying not to use...
As Least has suggested, getting some support, even if it is just here and there, for respite, so that you have the opportunity to recharge is so important ..
Depending on your income, you could qualify for regular, free respite care..
Now, as to your using while you are pregnant, I would like to suggest getting someone to watch the children, calling a local hospital and making arrangements with them to visit the preemie ward where the babies, born of addicted moms, are being nursed...It will be difficult, I know, but maybe, after seeing these tiny little addicted newborns, it might be a really helpful visual when you have those tougher moments of wanting to use...and please think about coming clean with your doctor about your addiction and that you have used during this pregnancy...very important..
If I were in your spot, that is what I would do....please take gentle care, you are in my prayers
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Can I ask what respite care is?
Grateful2b thanks for that advice. I think going to a hospital to see those babies would be a huge help. I think having the image of those babes in my head would help when a craving hits. Im definatly gonna try and go visit the hospital.
What do you guys do when you feel overwhelmed. I typically have used i the past to get things done. If I had to clean, go somewhere, or anything I would take a pill to be able to function. While Im clean I feel really good about getting things done when I push myself to do it. SOmetimes I feel "stuck" though. I am a stay at home Mom and sometimes get stuck in the monotany of each day. Any suggestions how to get past this and stay motivated? I try to just focus on today. Its just hard right now not having my husband here. He's the only adult I completly trust and is my best friend. I know he's getting himself clean and when he gets home things will be better but January 7th seems so long away. Thats when he gets back.
Grateful2b thanks for that advice. I think going to a hospital to see those babies would be a huge help. I think having the image of those babes in my head would help when a craving hits. Im definatly gonna try and go visit the hospital.
What do you guys do when you feel overwhelmed. I typically have used i the past to get things done. If I had to clean, go somewhere, or anything I would take a pill to be able to function. While Im clean I feel really good about getting things done when I push myself to do it. SOmetimes I feel "stuck" though. I am a stay at home Mom and sometimes get stuck in the monotany of each day. Any suggestions how to get past this and stay motivated? I try to just focus on today. Its just hard right now not having my husband here. He's the only adult I completly trust and is my best friend. I know he's getting himself clean and when he gets home things will be better but January 7th seems so long away. Thats when he gets back.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi Decbaby....Respite care is set up to send someone onto your home to care for your children and do a little light housekeeping so that you can go out and take a break, focus on you, visit a friend, and get a chance to just be an adult for a couple of hours..You could check with a Community Health Centre near you or Social Services may be able to refer you to an agency..
I was a single parent and I so understand your feelings...
I would strongly suggest that you carve out some time for "you"; when they are down for an afternoon nap, when they go to bed in the evening...keep that time just for you..do things that make you feel good, bubble baths, manicures and pedicures; write letters to favorite friends, find a good book to read, if you have access to someone who can come in for an hour or so, go visit a friend, take a nice long walk, see a movie..have a friend who can give you a good massage,or anything that makes you smile...and when the kids are up, try and get them out as much as you can for them and you and don't be too picky about the housework; pick your battles...eat well, keep your energy up and get the rest you need...I also found that making a schedule helped me not feel overwhelmed on "those" days..... I sure do appreciate your load...
We can be buried so easily by the weight of our life when it is just us...and so it is important for us to carve out our adult time....so we don't feel so deprived ...... take gentle care of you
I was a single parent and I so understand your feelings...
I would strongly suggest that you carve out some time for "you"; when they are down for an afternoon nap, when they go to bed in the evening...keep that time just for you..do things that make you feel good, bubble baths, manicures and pedicures; write letters to favorite friends, find a good book to read, if you have access to someone who can come in for an hour or so, go visit a friend, take a nice long walk, see a movie..have a friend who can give you a good massage,or anything that makes you smile...and when the kids are up, try and get them out as much as you can for them and you and don't be too picky about the housework; pick your battles...eat well, keep your energy up and get the rest you need...I also found that making a schedule helped me not feel overwhelmed on "those" days..... I sure do appreciate your load...
We can be buried so easily by the weight of our life when it is just us...and so it is important for us to carve out our adult time....so we don't feel so deprived
...... take gentle care of you Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
WELCOME to SR! I am crackquack, recovering crack addict, 10 months clean! I am glad you found SR! You will find a lot of support and guidance here. A place to come for information and just to vent as well. A wonderful place full of people working recovery!
And it's work. No one is going to tell you it's easy! But we will all tell you it is worth it!
As far as using during pregnancy, you know the drill. I think it is brave of you to be honest about it and honesty is one of the keys to success in getting and staying clean.
I am NOT condoning or encouraging you to continue to use, but I am encouraging you to try to worry less, as stress is also hard on the unborn baby. See a doctor and be completely honest with them as well. Get as much information and listen to the advice given.
A lot of children are born, just fine, despite their mothers using drugs. I've known a few personally, and heard of many cases. Weed, crack, heroin, pain killers, and alcohol. Heck, my Mom smoked cigs throughout her entire pregnancy and I am ok (tic tic, JUST kidding! A little humor hopefully not poorly placed!). Fact is, media and society overblows it quite a lot, BUT there is definitely still a risk. So seeing a doctor is essential. ASAP.
What are some of your plans to stay clean during the rest of the pregnancy? Meetings? Therapy? Distractions? Friends and family?
If you have any druggie friends, lose them ASAP.
Take it one day at a time. Stay here on SR and check out the chat room and other forums. We are here for you.
But also see if you have any AA or NA meetings in your area. :ghug3
And it's work. No one is going to tell you it's easy! But we will all tell you it is worth it!
As far as using during pregnancy, you know the drill. I think it is brave of you to be honest about it and honesty is one of the keys to success in getting and staying clean.
I am NOT condoning or encouraging you to continue to use, but I am encouraging you to try to worry less, as stress is also hard on the unborn baby. See a doctor and be completely honest with them as well. Get as much information and listen to the advice given.
A lot of children are born, just fine, despite their mothers using drugs. I've known a few personally, and heard of many cases. Weed, crack, heroin, pain killers, and alcohol. Heck, my Mom smoked cigs throughout her entire pregnancy and I am ok (tic tic, JUST kidding! A little humor hopefully not poorly placed!). Fact is, media and society overblows it quite a lot, BUT there is definitely still a risk. So seeing a doctor is essential. ASAP.
What are some of your plans to stay clean during the rest of the pregnancy? Meetings? Therapy? Distractions? Friends and family?
If you have any druggie friends, lose them ASAP.
Take it one day at a time. Stay here on SR and check out the chat room and other forums. We are here for you.
But also see if you have any AA or NA meetings in your area. :ghug3
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
When I first started to get deep in my addiction to cocaine/crack. I was going full force. I had found out I was pregnant but had been using for the first 2 mos not knowing this. I was told I could never have kids before all this. So I stopped all using and got a job and did everything I was suppose to. My bf at the time decided it was a good idea to bring home some **** and try and sell it. As soon as he fell asleep I took it and locked myself in the bathroom for a couple hours. A few days later we got into a fight and he hit me for the first time ever and told me the baby was a drug dealers. I hadnt gotten that far in my addiction yet to be doing things like that. So I left and went on a binge for about a full day and night. About a month later I went for a regular dr visit. They couldnt find the heartbeat so they sent me to the womens hospital for an unltra sound. I was on that dam table for over 2 hrs. Finally the nurse left and came back with a dr and told me that the heartbeat was faint and that the baby would be dead within 2 days.
I had to live with that for the 2 days knowing that baby was dieing inside me. My bf disappeared to a strip club and then who kows where all night. I was alone ripping my freakin hair out crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life. I had to have a D and C to remove the baby. I was almost 6 mos when the baby died.
I have the most perfect untra sound pic of the baby from a couple weeks before all this happened. You can see as clear as day the whole face. Looking directly at you.
I dont know if my using is what caused this to happen. But it didnt help. Now I am told I cant have kids again. That may very well have been my one and only chance to ever have a child.
It is brave of you to be honest. But I am not going to sit here and be sympathetic about it. I would give anything to have that chance again.
I am no better than you. I made a huge mistake and it cost big. But if I could take it back or do it all over again. I would rather die then use any kind of drug while pregnant. Or even having a child. I knwo thats easy for me to say. And it is. Because I am not you. But I have been you.
Its been 13 yrs since I lost that baby. They would have been 13 yrs old Dec 4th. And I will never forget and probably will never forgive myself.
I hope you dont make the same mistake.
I had to live with that for the 2 days knowing that baby was dieing inside me. My bf disappeared to a strip club and then who kows where all night. I was alone ripping my freakin hair out crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life. I had to have a D and C to remove the baby. I was almost 6 mos when the baby died.
I have the most perfect untra sound pic of the baby from a couple weeks before all this happened. You can see as clear as day the whole face. Looking directly at you.
I dont know if my using is what caused this to happen. But it didnt help. Now I am told I cant have kids again. That may very well have been my one and only chance to ever have a child.
It is brave of you to be honest. But I am not going to sit here and be sympathetic about it. I would give anything to have that chance again.
I am no better than you. I made a huge mistake and it cost big. But if I could take it back or do it all over again. I would rather die then use any kind of drug while pregnant. Or even having a child. I knwo thats easy for me to say. And it is. Because I am not you. But I have been you.
Its been 13 yrs since I lost that baby. They would have been 13 yrs old Dec 4th. And I will never forget and probably will never forgive myself.
I hope you dont make the same mistake.
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Thank you all for your input. It actually feels good to speak with other people about this instead of keeping it to myself. I only have a couple of drugie friends and my husband and I have already decided they are out of our lives. We're serious about getting our REAL lives back. I would like to start going to some meetings but from what I have read it seems like NA is God/religious based. Is that correct? I don't know how comfortable I am with that. Maybe I should see if my area has any other similar meetings.
I'm glad I found this place. The support, strength, and compassion you all give is pretty amazing!
I'm glad I found this place. The support, strength, and compassion you all give is pretty amazing!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Decbaby, both AA and Na have an element of Higher Power based or God as you understand Him...but your Higher Power can be anything you want it to be...
For me these qualities are the core Higher Power elements for Healthy change and a great place to start
.
-giving unearned Grace and Love,
-giving unchanging consistency about truth,
-giving honest, hard accurate feedback, non-judgmentally,
-having absolute faith in your ability to continue moving forward in your recovery
Good luck
For me these qualities are the core Higher Power elements for Healthy change and a great place to start
.-giving unearned Grace and Love,
-giving unchanging consistency about truth,
-giving honest, hard accurate feedback, non-judgmentally,
-having absolute faith in your ability to continue moving forward in your recovery
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Somewhere along the Delaware River, Pennsylvania
Posts: 137
You are in the right place. When I first found this site I was terrified to admit that I was an alcoholic mom...yet I met women who were just like me, and didn't judge me whatsoever. I know how alone you can feel sometimes and it makes a world of difference to know that there are people out there that are going through the same things.
I have addiction as well as psychological problems. In my first pregnancy, I binge drank once, smoked pot weekly until I was five months along, and took Zoloft for anxiety.
In my second pregnancy, I didn't care much for pot, but I had a pretty hard time giving up drinking. I usually had a drink or two a week, but there were occasions that I had more, and always in one sitting. I was on Prozac at that time as well as Ambien for SEVERE insomnia. The Ambien absolutely knocked me out. I could only imagine what it could do to a baby, yet without sleep, I couldn't function, take care of my older child, hold my job, etc.
I was lucky.
Both of my children were born healthy and are even ahead in their developmental milestones. People who don't understand addiction would say that we don't love our children...I love my children more than anything. But I loved alcohol and pills too. This is so hard for me to talk about, I am nearly crying as I write it. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom, when there are so many women out there who can't have children for one reason or another and would do literally anything to ensure they have healthy pregnancies.
The sooner you stop, the better. I honestly don't know about talking to a doctor; I always had a fear of that because I thought that if I was truthful about my habits, my children would be taken from me at birth. Maybe some of the more knowledgable people here could give you some helpful information about an at-home detox or something like that. And I would definitely recommend joining a support group.
PM me anytime if you need to talk.
I have addiction as well as psychological problems. In my first pregnancy, I binge drank once, smoked pot weekly until I was five months along, and took Zoloft for anxiety.
In my second pregnancy, I didn't care much for pot, but I had a pretty hard time giving up drinking. I usually had a drink or two a week, but there were occasions that I had more, and always in one sitting. I was on Prozac at that time as well as Ambien for SEVERE insomnia. The Ambien absolutely knocked me out. I could only imagine what it could do to a baby, yet without sleep, I couldn't function, take care of my older child, hold my job, etc.
I was lucky.
Both of my children were born healthy and are even ahead in their developmental milestones. People who don't understand addiction would say that we don't love our children...I love my children more than anything. But I loved alcohol and pills too. This is so hard for me to talk about, I am nearly crying as I write it. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom, when there are so many women out there who can't have children for one reason or another and would do literally anything to ensure they have healthy pregnancies.
The sooner you stop, the better. I honestly don't know about talking to a doctor; I always had a fear of that because I thought that if I was truthful about my habits, my children would be taken from me at birth. Maybe some of the more knowledgable people here could give you some helpful information about an at-home detox or something like that. And I would definitely recommend joining a support group.
PM me anytime if you need to talk.
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Aysha, thank you for sharing your story. May I ask did the doctors say why they felt the baby didn't make it? I'm sending you a big hug. I am 20 weeks now and am willing to stay clean through the rest of the pregnancy but I am so worried what I may have already done to this baby.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I asked after the surgery and they said that alot of women lose their first pregnancy. I wasnt going to tell them I had used drugs to see if that could have been a factor because they will arrest you in North Carolina for that. Thats where I had been living at the time.
I would get so angry when I saw women out in the street smokign crack pregnant. Tricking and everything. I would never be around them or associate with them. I didnt care how much of anything they had. I got angry because most of them will have the baby and it will alot of times be a healthy baby. I didnt do nearly what those women were doing and I lost mine. I guess it is resentment.
I was only 21 when this happened. I am 34 now and I know I will never have a kid. It is sad and it bothers me sometimes. But then again, I am in no position to raise a child. I am still messing up and only have a month clean for the millionth time. I really held that regret for a long time and it fueled many many years of using. Then it became an excuse. Now I want it to be the reason I stop. The motivation that keeps me clean. That and my family and the simple disgust of going through the cycle over and over. I am tired. 22 yrs of drugs is enough, 16 of those being hardcore street using. I am lucky to be alive and healthy.
I hope you stop. Please get some help.
I would get so angry when I saw women out in the street smokign crack pregnant. Tricking and everything. I would never be around them or associate with them. I didnt care how much of anything they had. I got angry because most of them will have the baby and it will alot of times be a healthy baby. I didnt do nearly what those women were doing and I lost mine. I guess it is resentment.
I was only 21 when this happened. I am 34 now and I know I will never have a kid. It is sad and it bothers me sometimes. But then again, I am in no position to raise a child. I am still messing up and only have a month clean for the millionth time. I really held that regret for a long time and it fueled many many years of using. Then it became an excuse. Now I want it to be the reason I stop. The motivation that keeps me clean. That and my family and the simple disgust of going through the cycle over and over. I am tired. 22 yrs of drugs is enough, 16 of those being hardcore street using. I am lucky to be alive and healthy.
I hope you stop. Please get some help.
Work in Progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
Lostmyway thanks for sharing your story. People who don't deal with addiction have no clue what it feels like. A few years ago I would have hated a person such as myself. But all I can do now is try to keep strong and make things better and hop like hell this baby is healthy. Thank you so much for sharing your story! ((HUGS))
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