thoughts...

Old 09-18-2003, 02:53 PM
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boo
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thoughts...

I am wondering about meetings. How many did you go to early on? Last week I went to 1 and this week I went to 2. I usually can't go to the 2 morning ones.

As I read more and more posts, I feel like I don't have that need to make A stop drinking-that is what I seem to be able to let him deal with himself and I just have to trust that he is working a program etc.

For me, it is more of a missing him thing. And that's where indirectly I suppose I am hooked on HIS recovery. We are not together now but e-mail occasionally. I have accepted that we can't have a relationship right now although I am still suffering the hurt effects of feeling like he dropped a bomb on me about ending our relationship due to being an A. I'm hurt because he encouraged this relationship very much to the point of making plans with me for several of the next months. Then, suddenly, the day I returned home from his country he said he couldn't have a relationship etc. I wish I could just feel so mad at him for doing things as he did and not WANT a relationship with him. In other relationships I have had, including a 2 year one and a 3-year one, I was able to quickly "get over it" . I feel like he is playing games about e-mailing me-like he wants to report his accomplishments (like 2 weeks sober last week) but he does not or cannot handle the same level of involvement about the things that are going on in my life. I guess what was once a predictable relationship has become an unpredictable friendship and that i miss the predictable friendship part of our once predictable relationship.

I guess one thing is (that seeing I didn't know he was an A until the relationship ended) that I don't have this desire to change or fix him because I was very happy with how things were with us (or seemed to be as it turned out).

So, instead of feeling better about our separation as time is going on, I feel worse about it because I miss our relationship more. Then I tell myself that I am remembering all the good things of course, and that because we are far away, I am not having to directly deal with the parts that aren't so great-like him trying to quit drinking.

In some ways, had our relationship continued a bit longer, maybe I would have had the opportunity to develop my own sense about his A that would have allowed me to not want to be with him. I feel like I didn't have the chance to form my own opinions. As a result, I think I feel like I was forced to end something that so far was really good. It's not that I wanted to be the one to break up with him, it is that I needed to develop my own understanding of why it wouldn't be good to be together now. I didn't have that chance. Even though I can logically understand everything now, the feelings that were left with this relationship is that things were going really well and that I would want them to keep going. Even though I know a lot more of what was REALLY going on, I didn't feel anything negative in our relationship about these things because I didn't know they were happening at the time. So now, I can't make my emotions about what was not good in our relationship (for example, he was actively drinking daily in a secret way), match what I know to be true.

Even though I have read some horror stories on these boards about what staying with an A could be like if they are not trying to quit, because I haven't experienced these scenarios, it is hard to feel angry that they could have potentially happened to me in this.

I guess I rambled a lot. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-19-2003, 04:05 AM
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Yes, an odd situation, cut off quickly - but you will move on soon, I bet. He does like you or he wouldn't keep in touch. It will be a long time before he is available, though. I read somewhere than an A is advised not to get into any relationship for the first year of recovery. "first things first" working on his own growth, so there would not be much left over to give to others.
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Old 09-19-2003, 04:31 AM
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Ann
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Even though I have read some horror stories on these boards about what staying with an A could be like if they are not trying to quit, because I haven't experienced these scenarios, it is hard to feel angry that they could have potentially happened to me in this.
Don't feel angry, feel grateful that they didn't happen to you. And if you're not grateful yet, just keep reading until you "get it".

Boo, honey, you have been spared the pain of a relationship with an A, who has clearly indicated that he wants no relationship with you. It was a mistake, it has no future, and you have been spared the pain of ruining your life because of it.

All your work seems to be going into trying to make this relationship work, It is one-sided and it's over.

Take that same energy and use it to help yourself deal with the pain and move forward. Focus on YOU, Boo, and get the help you need to get over this.

Hugs
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Old 09-19-2003, 04:40 AM
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Probably you are not missing what you had,so much as what you wish might have been.You spent a couple of delightful weeks together.And you've exchanged some e-mail.More a summer romance than a predictable relationship.Best to learn what you can about yourself from it,and move on.

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