Help for boyfriend to understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 15
Help for boyfriend to understand
How can I help my boyfriend understand alcohol addiction. He is a casual drinker and could take it or leave it. He is a great support for me but I don't think he really understands.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 215
I know when I was early into my recovery journey, my recovery counselor pointed my younger sister to alanon materials and it helped alot. My sister actually went to several meetings. She 'gets' my recovery today. And she is my only sibling who took the time to support me. We can't expect others to completely understand. I have many friends in recovery who have 'normie' life mates. Keep reaching out and the answers will come. Welcome to you!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
It's very hard for others to understand what we have to go through to get and stay sober.
When I first stopped drinking, I desparately wanted my family to understand, but they didn't get it.
That's one of the reasons that I come here every day, because here, people do understand.
When I first stopped drinking, I desparately wanted my family to understand, but they didn't get it.
That's one of the reasons that I come here every day, because here, people do understand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Sherie1968 
How can I help my boyfriend understand alcohol addiction. He is a casual drinker and could take it or leave it. He is a great support for me but I don't think he really understands.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
My take on this...
My wife is a normie. She has one tall white wine spritzer each night. That drove me crazy at first, but now, she could be drinkin' a sprite for all I care... I believe that my immunity to her drink is a result of my program of recovery.... Anyway...
There wasn't a lot of co-dependency stuff goin' on... and if there was, it was mine. She doesn't completely understand the whole powerlessness thing, and she's never going to. She doesn't need to. I no longer need her to. Trying to get her to understand, would, for me, be self serving... as well as futile.
You could let him know about Al-anon, and such, and let him pursue it if he wants to. That's up to him not you, and on some levels, it's kind of none of your business.
Worry about yourself.
Welcome to SR Sherie!! Glad to have you.
Mark
My wife is a normie. She has one tall white wine spritzer each night. That drove me crazy at first, but now, she could be drinkin' a sprite for all I care... I believe that my immunity to her drink is a result of my program of recovery.... Anyway...
There wasn't a lot of co-dependency stuff goin' on... and if there was, it was mine. She doesn't completely understand the whole powerlessness thing, and she's never going to. She doesn't need to. I no longer need her to. Trying to get her to understand, would, for me, be self serving... as well as futile.
You could let him know about Al-anon, and such, and let him pursue it if he wants to. That's up to him not you, and on some levels, it's kind of none of your business.
Worry about yourself.
Welcome to SR Sherie!! Glad to have you.
Mark
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Your bf may never truly understand what alcohol addiction is like. I hope you can commit to a sober life with or without his understanding.
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us!
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Everyone's in agreement - our normies can't truly understand. I've tried to explain my feelings to my husband, & though he'd nod & say he got it, I knew deep down that was impossible. My family mostly just thought it was a character flaw - why couldn't I just say NO? Sadly, most of the people in my life didn't do much researching or educate themselves on the subject. I guess it was too complicated for them.
I agree Al-anon is a very good idea. I'm glad you found us, Sherie. Let us know how it's going for you.
I agree Al-anon is a very good idea. I'm glad you found us, Sherie. Let us know how it's going for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
HELLO! Welcome to SR! I am so happy you've found us! We ALL understand what you are going through and what addiction is like! Unfortunately, yes, we are not your boyfriend, but hopefully, as he journeys with you, he'll learn more and maybe get a grasp. Maybe not. I doubt ANYONE, who has never truly been an addict, can completely understand those of us who are. And I know that I would hope they NEVER DO!
I hope that SR can bring the support and understanding you need! We can't replace the boyfriend, but maybe we can be a good "stand in"???
My boyfriend, too, is a non-addict. I can't call him normal. Not with his weird obsession with the 60's and 70's, as well as cars! hahaha.. But he's never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. When he was in his 20's he tried smoking cocaine (wasn't called crack then), my drug of choice. He told me he hated the buzz and didn't like it at all. He did his fair share of drugs in his late teens and early 20's, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING like what I did, as an active addict to crack cocaine. He went to work his schedule. Never got high while at work. Went out on Fridays and Saturday nights with his friends and had the bonfire parties.. Junk like that. What I call the teeny bobber parties, LOL. But he never got hooked on anything. He can take or leave it all and, these days, he'll sip on a beer with his dinner, but that's as far as he goes. Says it's not worth risking his house, cars, and other worldly goods, plus having a criminal record, to get high. Must be nice. I gave my all to get high on crack. Now, I give my all to stay clean. More than 10 months later! YEAH!!!!
Anyway, my boyfriend doesn't completely get it either. And I really hope he doesn't. It's kind of like losing a loved one to suicide. No one can understand the pain and torment. The questions and the lack of answers. The blight on your family. The stigma. And the shame. The pity.. All that (I've had two suicides in my family). And you really do NOT want them to. My boyfriend also had a suicide in his family, so unfortunately, he GETS that. And sometimes it makes me cry because I don't want anyone to understand that kind of pain and suffering.
So it's kinda, in a way, like that. It would be great to have someone, at your side, who does get it. But it would be a selfish act. It would totally be about you. I am not saying that is what you are doing or anything, I am just saying it would be selfish of us to wish our S.O.s understood our addiction, because the only way they will truly and completely understand it, is to become addicts themselves.
I really like the idea of going to support groups, that the others suggested. At the least, he can learn how to be more supportive of you, learn the right things to say, and mean them, and remember to take care of himself while going through this journey with you.
I hope that SR can bring the support and understanding you need! We can't replace the boyfriend, but maybe we can be a good "stand in"???
My boyfriend, too, is a non-addict. I can't call him normal. Not with his weird obsession with the 60's and 70's, as well as cars! hahaha.. But he's never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. When he was in his 20's he tried smoking cocaine (wasn't called crack then), my drug of choice. He told me he hated the buzz and didn't like it at all. He did his fair share of drugs in his late teens and early 20's, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING like what I did, as an active addict to crack cocaine. He went to work his schedule. Never got high while at work. Went out on Fridays and Saturday nights with his friends and had the bonfire parties.. Junk like that. What I call the teeny bobber parties, LOL. But he never got hooked on anything. He can take or leave it all and, these days, he'll sip on a beer with his dinner, but that's as far as he goes. Says it's not worth risking his house, cars, and other worldly goods, plus having a criminal record, to get high. Must be nice. I gave my all to get high on crack. Now, I give my all to stay clean. More than 10 months later! YEAH!!!!
Anyway, my boyfriend doesn't completely get it either. And I really hope he doesn't. It's kind of like losing a loved one to suicide. No one can understand the pain and torment. The questions and the lack of answers. The blight on your family. The stigma. And the shame. The pity.. All that (I've had two suicides in my family). And you really do NOT want them to. My boyfriend also had a suicide in his family, so unfortunately, he GETS that. And sometimes it makes me cry because I don't want anyone to understand that kind of pain and suffering.
So it's kinda, in a way, like that. It would be great to have someone, at your side, who does get it. But it would be a selfish act. It would totally be about you. I am not saying that is what you are doing or anything, I am just saying it would be selfish of us to wish our S.O.s understood our addiction, because the only way they will truly and completely understand it, is to become addicts themselves.
I really like the idea of going to support groups, that the others suggested. At the least, he can learn how to be more supportive of you, learn the right things to say, and mean them, and remember to take care of himself while going through this journey with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
I'll echo what everyone else has already said...it's really hard for non-alcoholics to understand, especially if they're normal drinkers. I would encourage you to learn to live with the fact that your boyfriend might never completely understand what you're dealing with, and find outside sources (AA, SR board, etc.) for support. Nothing can compare to the support one alcoholic can provide for another.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Does he try and promote or discourage your drinking?
I've been around people that'd encourage their s/o to drink up as a way of being in control over them. Many people don't know the harm they do by enabling!
I've been around people that'd encourage their s/o to drink up as a way of being in control over them. Many people don't know the harm they do by enabling!
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