crisis
Getting Over It
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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Posts: 110
crisis
I havent posted in a while tho Ive been lurking off and on. My husband quit drinking 3 yrs ago this coming January, but emotional abuse continued. We have 3 sons and have been married 17 years. Please read my previous posts to get more background.
RAH was arrested 2 nights ago for domestic violence, child abuse against our 13 yr old. He pulled him from the couch by his hair and arm, pulled him around the ground by his leg, causing our sons scab on his knee to break open and when our son balled his fists at his side, RAH asked why they were balled and hit his hands to open them. Then he told our son to leave his property. I was leaving work when I got a hysterical phone call from our son saying he wanted to call the cops. After hearing the story and getting advice from friends, one of which is a counselor, I called the police and he was placed in jail for 24 hrs and ordered no contact with us until Jan12.
RAHs family lives several states away and is angry with me. His sister left a nasty voice mail yesterday... Our oldest, though most affected through the years by his fathers anger, is also angry with me, stating his dad didnt need to go to jail and he wouldve handled it if he were here.
Im scared to death of whats to become of our family. I know healing has to be in the future but right now, it feels unattainable.
RAH was arrested 2 nights ago for domestic violence, child abuse against our 13 yr old. He pulled him from the couch by his hair and arm, pulled him around the ground by his leg, causing our sons scab on his knee to break open and when our son balled his fists at his side, RAH asked why they were balled and hit his hands to open them. Then he told our son to leave his property. I was leaving work when I got a hysterical phone call from our son saying he wanted to call the cops. After hearing the story and getting advice from friends, one of which is a counselor, I called the police and he was placed in jail for 24 hrs and ordered no contact with us until Jan12.
RAHs family lives several states away and is angry with me. His sister left a nasty voice mail yesterday... Our oldest, though most affected through the years by his fathers anger, is also angry with me, stating his dad didnt need to go to jail and he wouldve handled it if he were here.
Im scared to death of whats to become of our family. I know healing has to be in the future but right now, it feels unattainable.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
If you won't leave this man for yourself, please do it for your children. There is no excuse for physical abuse and there is no good reason why your son should have to put up with this. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Your efforts should be all about protecting your kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I agree. And, I have to add that this has been ongoing for years according to your posting history. Children learn what they live. By living with an abuser, your boys are likely to grown up and become abusers themselves. Is that what you want for them and their future wives?
L
L
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
No, LTD, of course it isnt what I want for them. My problem is, ok, was fear of the unknown. And the known.
My 13 yr old is really amazing. I just got through speaking with him about it. He has more strength than I ever knew. He is tired of his fathers mistreatment and doesnt care who is upset about it. This is coming from a child whom I call my Love Bug because he just wants to please everyone and is just so loving. Right now, this 5 foot child is my hero.
My 13 yr old is really amazing. I just got through speaking with him about it. He has more strength than I ever knew. He is tired of his fathers mistreatment and doesnt care who is upset about it. This is coming from a child whom I call my Love Bug because he just wants to please everyone and is just so loving. Right now, this 5 foot child is my hero.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Fear of the unknown is a lousy reason to stay with a man who abuses your children. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I get really angry when I read stories of children being abused and nothing being done about it. Yeah, the unknown can be scary, but the "known" your child is living with right now is unacceptable. Unfortunately, short of running away, there's not much he can do to save himself. He needs one sane parent to protect him. Right now, it doesn't appear he has one.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by daisyjen 
Right now, this 5 foot child is my hero.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to stay off this thread. It's making me too angry.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
In my opinion:
1. Ignore his sister and her nasty voice mail. You did the right thing. (remember? you spoke with a counselor and you were advised to do this.) You didn't do it for you - you did it because this guy went after your baby. If you saw the man on the street abuse a child, you wouldn't call the police?
2. Tell your angry son: " I understand that you are angry with me, but I will no longer tolerate your father abusing any of you - physically or emotionally. I am ready to do what I have to do to protect my children - including you."
3. Save your healing thoughts for yourself and your sons. Pity your kids - not the abuser.
Your "known" is worse than the unknown (freedom) can ever be. Take peace in knowing that you are standing up for the defenseless. YOU are the only one with the power to break this cycle.
1. Ignore his sister and her nasty voice mail. You did the right thing. (remember? you spoke with a counselor and you were advised to do this.) You didn't do it for you - you did it because this guy went after your baby. If you saw the man on the street abuse a child, you wouldn't call the police?
2. Tell your angry son: " I understand that you are angry with me, but I will no longer tolerate your father abusing any of you - physically or emotionally. I am ready to do what I have to do to protect my children - including you."
3. Save your healing thoughts for yourself and your sons. Pity your kids - not the abuser.
Your "known" is worse than the unknown (freedom) can ever be. Take peace in knowing that you are standing up for the defenseless. YOU are the only one with the power to break this cycle.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Posts: 110
Obviously some of you have never lived with an abuser or you would not be so quick to anger and judge. I HAVE TAKEN A HUGE STEP FOR MY CHILDREN! Did you not get that part? I callled the cops, he was arrested! Why on earth does that not count for anything?? Me calling my son my hero was just me saying how unbelievably proud of him I am. I already know I am a disappointment to my children in some way, but you know what, I do not think I deserve to be called an insane parent. I did not come on here for disrespect, but for support. Thanks for nothing.
Getting Over It
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Im sorry for my last post to those who were truly supporting me. I have read the book by Lundy and it is very helpful. It has helped me see things more clearly. Thank you for your replies.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
As the child of an alcoholic and physical abuser, I really do have to ask why you are staying.
Kids will act strong, but I can tell you because I was abused and watched my father abuse my mother and sister that it's an act. He seems to se self-parenting at this point, which is what I did when abuse happened until the night my dad almost killed my mom and she packed up three kids and left. I am sorry, but you are allowing this man to stay for more potential abuse. If you will not do this for yourself, please do it for your son who deserves to have a healthy and happy childhood. Right now he seems to be his only parent.
Kids will act strong, but I can tell you because I was abused and watched my father abuse my mother and sister that it's an act. He seems to se self-parenting at this point, which is what I did when abuse happened until the night my dad almost killed my mom and she packed up three kids and left. I am sorry, but you are allowing this man to stay for more potential abuse. If you will not do this for yourself, please do it for your son who deserves to have a healthy and happy childhood. Right now he seems to be his only parent.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey there,
Staying with a man who physically abuses your children sends them a message that they deserve that. Calling the police is a good step, but no children should be in that environment. The boundary has been crossed and the children's best interest is the ONLY important thing now.
Hugs
Staying with a man who physically abuses your children sends them a message that they deserve that. Calling the police is a good step, but no children should be in that environment. The boundary has been crossed and the children's best interest is the ONLY important thing now.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
DaisyJen,
I can understand the mounting frustration you have in your life right now. However, you said you came here for support, but then lash out at the people who are being honest with you.
Yes, you deserve credit for calling the cops. That is just one step though. He is not going to be in jail forever. He will be coming home, if he's not already. Are you going to be there when he does?
Calling the cops says, i'm mad about what you did! You will not hit our child and get away with it!
Being home when he returns says, ok, see what I can do, but we're still here for you to do it again. Maybe THEN we'll leave.
It's not ok. None of it is ok. And you know that.
There isn't ONE person here who is judging you. EVERYONE in this forum has been through an incredible amount of pain, be it emotional or physical.
Please express what kind of support you wanted. Did you want people to just say "stay strong, it'll be ok."...?
If it was JUST YOU that you were speaking here for, maybe people would say that. You have a right to do whatever you need to do for you, you have a right to put yourself in any situation you choose to to and leave when you've had enough.
But you do not have a right to put those children in a physically violent situation because YOU are not ready to leave.
NYC Chick is right, kids will ACT strong. Most likely he is crumbling inside. People here care about what happens to you AND your kids. And if that means having to be a little harsh and saying GET OUT! Then that's what has to be said.
It serves no purpose to sugar coat anything at this point.
Be safe and take care of you and your kids.
I can understand the mounting frustration you have in your life right now. However, you said you came here for support, but then lash out at the people who are being honest with you.
Yes, you deserve credit for calling the cops. That is just one step though. He is not going to be in jail forever. He will be coming home, if he's not already. Are you going to be there when he does?
Calling the cops says, i'm mad about what you did! You will not hit our child and get away with it!
Being home when he returns says, ok, see what I can do, but we're still here for you to do it again. Maybe THEN we'll leave.
It's not ok. None of it is ok. And you know that.
There isn't ONE person here who is judging you. EVERYONE in this forum has been through an incredible amount of pain, be it emotional or physical.
Please express what kind of support you wanted. Did you want people to just say "stay strong, it'll be ok."...?
If it was JUST YOU that you were speaking here for, maybe people would say that. You have a right to do whatever you need to do for you, you have a right to put yourself in any situation you choose to to and leave when you've had enough.
But you do not have a right to put those children in a physically violent situation because YOU are not ready to leave.
NYC Chick is right, kids will ACT strong. Most likely he is crumbling inside. People here care about what happens to you AND your kids. And if that means having to be a little harsh and saying GET OUT! Then that's what has to be said.
It serves no purpose to sugar coat anything at this point.
Be safe and take care of you and your kids.
Getting Over It
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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Posts: 110
Thank you, Miss Fix it.
It is a good step, I know, but its not the only step that I WILL be taking. I dont think that anything Ive posted today insinuated I wont go further, does it? Somewhere, did I unknowingly, post that he is coming back into our house? I only posted to let ya'll know, that I have taken that first step. I was looking for support for others who have gone through these next steps and I got something back unexpected.
I also am a ACoA and a survivor of my fathers suicide when my mother, the alcoholic, attempted to leave him. Not excuses, just facts.
It is a good step, I know, but its not the only step that I WILL be taking. I dont think that anything Ive posted today insinuated I wont go further, does it? Somewhere, did I unknowingly, post that he is coming back into our house? I only posted to let ya'll know, that I have taken that first step. I was looking for support for others who have gone through these next steps and I got something back unexpected.
I also am a ACoA and a survivor of my fathers suicide when my mother, the alcoholic, attempted to leave him. Not excuses, just facts.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I am sorry for what you have faced and what you are currently facing.
I think anyone who has survived emotionally crippling experiences have a tremendous amount of strength. And it's good to see that you want take the steps to change your situation from here on out.
I would say the next step is a restraining order. He should not legally be allowed near you or your children.
Just my two cents.
I think anyone who has survived emotionally crippling experiences have a tremendous amount of strength. And it's good to see that you want take the steps to change your situation from here on out.
I would say the next step is a restraining order. He should not legally be allowed near you or your children.
Just my two cents.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Im sorry that I lashed out on a few of the responses. I did expect to be taken wrong when I called my son my hereo after I sent it. I was just plain proud of his bravery through this and I described it wrong. Im sorry.
I dont think that calling me insane is helpful, though, do you?
I was hoping, yes, for the "you can do it!" " we are here for you!" " Ive been there!" " this is what happens next!" I thought that sort of support was available here.
And I did get a little bit of that.
RAH has a no contact order in place until mid January, at least.
I dont think that calling me insane is helpful, though, do you?
I was hoping, yes, for the "you can do it!" " we are here for you!" " Ive been there!" " this is what happens next!" I thought that sort of support was available here.
And I did get a little bit of that.
RAH has a no contact order in place until mid January, at least.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
Wow. I've never been in your situation but I've been in your childs situation. I can still remember vividly the physical stuff my dad used to do and say. I would beg of you to leave him.
I have an amazing 13 year old girl. I call her the Ying to my Yang so I understand that part.
I'm sorry for the pain for you and your family.
I have an amazing 13 year old girl. I call her the Ying to my Yang so I understand that part.
I'm sorry for the pain for you and your family.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Noday, DCF came yesterday and will be bringing me back some information on resources I will need to get us through this. Us, being myself and my sons, so there is no misunderstanding. I am trying to get the boys back to their daily routines, minus their dad, which is tough.
Yes, it is a horrid, horrid experience. I AM a blubbering mess. I went to my sons school to discuss the situation with the guidance counselor and someone there said she hardly recognized me.
Yes, it is a horrid, horrid experience. I AM a blubbering mess. I went to my sons school to discuss the situation with the guidance counselor and someone there said she hardly recognized me.
Getting Over It
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Im not taking my kids from their home. I pay the mortgage and have a good paying job, he does not. DCF is bringing me back counselors for the kids and other info. I already have an attorney, and my job is very secure.
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