I don't know what I'm doing...
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
I don't know what I'm doing...
Hello Everyone!
I am new to this forum and my life is out of control. I am married to an AH and have been for 31 years! Talk about 'hanging in there'.
He is a functioning alcoholic and doesn't think he has a problem. It has ruined our relationship because when he drinks he's nasty, sarcastic, and difficult to live with. I recently moved out because I just couldn't take it anymore.
He refuses to get help and I refuse to live that way again. My problem is...I don't know how to start my life over again. I am stuck and don't know what steps to take to learn how to heal myself and work on me for a change. Another issue for me is that I still love him...even with all the garbage he has pulled...I still love him. I keep hoping that if he gets help and stays sober we could mend this relationship. I think that's what keeps me from getting on with my life and moving forward. After another useless conversation tonight he made it very clear he wasn't going to stop drinking. He is angry and blames me for moving out and it's "all my fault".
I know deep down in my heart this relationship is not healthy and I need to break free of it. How do I do that?
I know many of you have experienced this...please help me.
I am new to this forum and my life is out of control. I am married to an AH and have been for 31 years! Talk about 'hanging in there'.
He is a functioning alcoholic and doesn't think he has a problem. It has ruined our relationship because when he drinks he's nasty, sarcastic, and difficult to live with. I recently moved out because I just couldn't take it anymore.
He refuses to get help and I refuse to live that way again. My problem is...I don't know how to start my life over again. I am stuck and don't know what steps to take to learn how to heal myself and work on me for a change. Another issue for me is that I still love him...even with all the garbage he has pulled...I still love him. I keep hoping that if he gets help and stays sober we could mend this relationship. I think that's what keeps me from getting on with my life and moving forward. After another useless conversation tonight he made it very clear he wasn't going to stop drinking. He is angry and blames me for moving out and it's "all my fault".
I know deep down in my heart this relationship is not healthy and I need to break free of it. How do I do that?
I know many of you have experienced this...please help me.
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 439
WoW
Congratulations on the action you have already taken to improve your life! I wish my woman would have had your backbone and left my sorry butt sooner. Neither of us would have suffered needlessy for so long...
I have one word for you: Al-anon
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Call and ask where the nearest meeting is. Or look in your phone book. I think they have 99.99% of the answers to your questions.
Welcome to your new life!
Best Wishes,
I have one word for you: Al-anon
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Call and ask where the nearest meeting is. Or look in your phone book. I think they have 99.99% of the answers to your questions.
Welcome to your new life!
Best Wishes,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
The things that always helped me were inspirational/self-help reading (and a highlighter!), journaling, and surrounding myself with happy, healthy people...and, above all, going No Contact.
For me, ACCEPTANCE was the key. I worked on acceptance for quite awhile and once I got there, healing could begin. No more bargaining, no more magical thinking -- just acceptance that it was really and truly OVER. Accepted that I DECIDED I wanted something better for my life and that decision was final. Accepted that the fantasy was over. Accepted that he was not ever going to change, and that expecting him to change was only prolonging my misery.
Somebody referred to Susan Elliott's blog and books and I thought she looked like one smart lady. I haven't read her book, but it looks like a great place to start:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress...-breakup-book/
Congratulations to you on taking the steps to get your life back. ((((Hugs))))
For me, ACCEPTANCE was the key. I worked on acceptance for quite awhile and once I got there, healing could begin. No more bargaining, no more magical thinking -- just acceptance that it was really and truly OVER. Accepted that I DECIDED I wanted something better for my life and that decision was final. Accepted that the fantasy was over. Accepted that he was not ever going to change, and that expecting him to change was only prolonging my misery.
Somebody referred to Susan Elliott's blog and books and I thought she looked like one smart lady. I haven't read her book, but it looks like a great place to start:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress...-breakup-book/
Congratulations to you on taking the steps to get your life back. ((((Hugs))))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
You will find support and information here. There is a lot of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also in those posts.
You are not alone. We understand and care about you.
Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
You will find support and information here. There is a lot of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are also in those posts.
You are not alone. We understand and care about you.
Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
My thanks to all of you for responding. I checked for a local Al Anon meeting and have plans to attend this week. I am so sad...my heart is breaking. Saw my AH last night. We met with a realtor to list our house. As I walked the house showing her the rooms...it was all I could do not to break down and cry. My mind was filled with the same destructive thoughts...if he loved me enough he would go get help...did I do enough to try and make this work? It plays over and over in my head and I come to the same sick answers...he didn't love me enough to go get help and maybe if I had stayed and worked harder we could have gotten things back on track. Then more hurt sets in for me. But the reality is...I REALLY did all I could to help him. He now needs to help himself. He is still in denial that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. His benchmarks are "I get up and go to work everyday" and "I'm not a fall down drunk when I drink". As he watches his life being dismantled...piece by piece...he still thinks he's fine.
From all I read on this forum...we both are sick and need help. Only I can't do it for both of us...I can only help me. I just hope and pray this sadness that surrounds me lifts some day so I can feel happiness again. Thanks again for your responses...
From all I read on this forum...we both are sick and need help. Only I can't do it for both of us...I can only help me. I just hope and pray this sadness that surrounds me lifts some day so I can feel happiness again. Thanks again for your responses...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((hugs)))
This is a difficult time. You are grieving the loss of a relationship and it hurts. You are also letting go of what could have been and facing what really is. All of this is healthy for your recovery.
It's very hard to watch a loved one self-destruct. You will get support here and at Alanon. Let us know how you like your meetings.
You have tried to help him and tried to hold the relationship together. I did the same. I finally realized I was putting more effort into helping my partner than he was putting into helping himself. That left me feeling resentful. I also realized I was focused on his actions more than my own. That's part of my co-dependency.
Melody Beattie has a great book on codependency called "Codependent No More". You may be able to find it at your local library.
Take care of you!
This is a difficult time. You are grieving the loss of a relationship and it hurts. You are also letting go of what could have been and facing what really is. All of this is healthy for your recovery.
It's very hard to watch a loved one self-destruct. You will get support here and at Alanon. Let us know how you like your meetings.
You have tried to help him and tried to hold the relationship together. I did the same. I finally realized I was putting more effort into helping my partner than he was putting into helping himself. That left me feeling resentful. I also realized I was focused on his actions more than my own. That's part of my co-dependency.
Melody Beattie has a great book on codependency called "Codependent No More". You may be able to find it at your local library.
Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by myawakening 
I keep hoping that if he gets help and stays sober we could mend this relationship. I think that's what keeps me from getting on with my life and moving forward.
After another useless conversation tonight he made it very clear he wasn't going to stop drinking.
Believe him. He has no intentions to stop drinking.
Please consider picking up a copy of Codepenedent No More, by Melody Beattie. You can find it at your local library or used for about $2. at Amazon.
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