Another stupid look

Old 12-10-2009, 07:11 PM
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Another stupid look

FB is just damn dangerous place.

I checked my page today and saw an update on a friends FB page. It was my XABF changing his relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship". Granted it's no shocker since it's been just about 8mth now, but it hit me hard. And the stupid thing is, it hooked me onto his page. And damn it, I started looking...

I had bumped into a coworker of his at a week long class I was taking back in Oct and I found this on my exs page:

"Ran into *** today. Thought you should know."
October 28 at 5:59pm via Facebook for iPhone ˇ

His response: "That's funny I got the first message from her in about 6 months today....Still very angry....."
October 28 at 7:05pm

He talks about it so ******* casual like I have no RIGHT to be angry?! Does he even comprehend what he put me through!? It just makes me feel so devalidated and ******* pissed off! Like did any of this happen at all? And why the **** post this on your page? And why does he even need to know I was there? I was in another damn state! What's the point in telling him? He wasn't even at the event. I did send him a message that day due to seeing a video on YouTube of him. I was with a bunch of people from the class and we were looking up videos on the subject we were studying and it linked to a video of him that some guy he didn't know took. They were making fun of him. He was skiing at his hill in a thong and wig with the new girlfriend. I couldn't believe it. I was actually embarrassed and didn't mention I knew him. It was taken 3 weeks after our breakup. When I saw it, I couldn't help it and sent a message with the link telling him what an ******* he was. Of course he didn't respond, except make a comment on FB about it. This should of been a private message. Like I'm some stupid bitter old girlfriend.

Then I start wondering why I want to matter so much in his life. WHY WHY WHY?!! Why can't I let go? I can't move on. I just feel so alone. I just feel really empty. And I can't talk to anyone anymore about it. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about it anymore. I feel defeated.

And a stupid part of me feels that maybe I made too big of a deal about his drinking. Nobody on his page seems to see it as a problem. The new gf jokes about him "double fisting". Every picture of him, he has a beer in his hand. I start thinking that maybe it was me. I was too concervative. Maybe I should of had a drink. I kept him from having all this fun. His drinking seems full force now and everything is a party. How stupid am I?

I know I need to work on me. I know. Focus on me and what I'm doing. Think I'm going to have to delete a few friends due to this otherwise I'll keep looking. I just wish this stupid feeling would be over and I wouldn't care anymore. I think the holidays aren't helping either. We had such a wonderful Xmas last year, and this year I'm alone.

**** him...
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Old 12-10-2009, 07:56 PM
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Have you read Getting Past Your Past?

Your post reminded me of the website's blog entry today about Facebook.

To quote Susan J. Elliott..."STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT."

Give it a read here

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com

(sorry the link option is not working we'll have to go old school and cut and paste.)

I am inclined to agree with Ms. E. about looking for exes on Facebook.....STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. And before I'm told to practice what I'm preaching, I was guilty of checking out XABF's page a couple of times. So I have work to do, too!

Good luck!

Alice
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:14 PM
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It's reasons like this why I completely deleted my facebook page earlier this week.

And I feel so liberated!!!!
For real, it's so easy to get sucked in, reading comments, being hurt by the slightest thing or picture, or anything.
I knew for me, being on there was only a painful reminder of my XA. I don't want to know about his life, and I don't want him to know about mine.

Maybe in the future I will create a new page, when I know that the sight of those things won't affect me one bit. But for now, adiós!!

My friends, my good friends that were on there will be more than happy to keep in tough via the old fashioned phone. The rest of em on there, I don't need while I focus on me!

Just something to think about. If you don't want to delete your page, maybe you could block him? That way you won't have to worry about seeing one thing that he says or does. And blocking him is kind of empowering I think, you're basically saying I choose to remove you from my life, I don't want to know a thing about you!! It feels pretty good.

Give yourself a hug!
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:29 PM
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Oh sweetie

I know how you feel on some of those points.

I'm still with my boyfriend (I need to learn the lingo here, haha) but I often wonder to myself the same things you're wondering!
-Am I making this a bigger deal then it needs to be?
-No one else comments on his drinking.
-Is it just me?
-Should I start to drink?
-Even his family seems ok with it!

I'm not sure what your relationship with him was like, but there's a saying..."An EX is an EX for a reason!"

My boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of this year, and stupidly I was drawn back in the summer after he told me he was different and he had changed, and how he loved me, and I was the only woman he's ever truly loved. I also wanted to make it work because we have a son together, and my other 3 children love him. But you know what? Hind sight is 20/20. If I knew then what I know now (he started drinking again) I'd of NEVER gone back.

For your own sanity, you need to never look at his FB page again, do whatever it takes! Block him so that even if you look up his name it won't show him!
I know about the loneliness! It's horrible, it sucks, but you're never truly alone....we're all here for you! I've only been coming here since yesterday and already I feel such a sense of relief that everyone here knows how I feel, and knows what I'm going through!

I'm sorry you're hurting, I've been there! (my story is a LONG one)
Keep venting! Keep posting!
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Old 12-11-2009, 12:31 AM
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Dear bs:

I know the feeling >>> my keyboard is acting up so pls bear with me>>

Block him from everything

Create a new FB with ppl that truly love you

Early alcoholics can make u mad because perhaps you are the first one that notice there is a problem

Others denial sucks but this helps you to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF> BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE > FOLLOW YOUR GUT > OBTAIN STRENGTH IN THE KNOWLEDGE YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THOSE OTHERS >> your sight is clear thus you are free from further hurt

NO CONTACT means

no fb
no calls
no emails
no letters
no asking about him
no listening about him
no songs that u heard with him or remind u of him
storing or trashing presents and stuff
deleting every email and picture from your computer
songs > even avoiding full GENRES! i started listening to jazz >>
to me it also meant taking away clothes and shoes i used while with him
no places or triggers for now

I learned this no contact thing is a process> a year later I am just starting to give away clothes he criticized or that trigger me so it does ot have to happen instantly

Lately I also want to look at his fb but for what? I dont deserve more pain>

Alcoholism is all about appeareances> drinking so you bond with humans and you are closer and everything seems fun and exciting but its not real> appearance about being in control when in reality someone is being controlled by the alcohol >appearance of regret and apologies when in reality its nothing but manipulation

You were closer to him than any coworker or friend so you know better > in time as the disease progresses the healthier ppl will leave or be left out and only fellow drinkers will be part of his circle

ANY contact is guaranteed pain and only you know when its enough>>>

Well I know how it feels like and it gets much much better> you had nothing to do with his disease

Also remember they cant survive alone> they need someone else > a sponge to absorb their pain > a doormat to step over when they feel insecure > a fellow drinker that will hide their alcoholism > a distraction to avoid uneasy feelings far away from the happiness illusion they desperately seek < a sex toy < a maid to clean up after a particulary bad night < a driver to get them places when they cant even stand up

None of that is love and one day you will realize you are blessed to be saved from the sinking ship

It hurts like hell but you will come out from this stronger !!
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:31 AM
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Wow. This thread is exactally what I needed to be reading this am. There are no accidents. Thanks everyone.
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Old 12-11-2009, 04:44 AM
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Thanks all. The responses help. But I'm just so angry right now. Been crying all night, and just want to punch something really hard. Wish I had a punching bag. I'm just so angry and hurt still.......
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:33 AM
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Pillows can be punched - most bedding can take a good walloping too!! Go let rip, you'll feel better for it - I did!
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:43 AM
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You certainly didn't misjudge your unhappiness with HIM.


Bucyn thanks for this !!

When you see them and they look great it is also easy for self doubt to come again. My XABF got someone else right away (in fact they flirted while I was still with him, on the same outing, ughhhhh!) and it seems rather serious... and I think he may be a good person, yadda but then I overhear him talking about beers or bars and people say he has arrived still drunk to work .. at 9 am... and I know the only problem he had with me, was that I would not drink with him alcoholically...

Let me look for an anger mgmt thread because there are great tips to get that anger outside!!! it is a natural feeling and it helps you to move forward faster..... I prefer to be angry than sad .......

Hugs!!
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Old 12-11-2009, 10:19 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...146-anger.html
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Old 12-12-2009, 12:06 PM
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Thanks TC. Article helped. And thanks for all the other posts guys...

Picked up my CoD No More, and started reading again. This is all my scquewed thoughts and codie feeling that it's something lacking in me and that the alcoholic/addictive behavior isn't the problem. Girlfriends helped get my head on right last night. I also came across this article that really helped me to learn to keep it in perspective AND I think I need to read it EVERY DAMN DAY until I get it!

The Other Woman - Now He's Happy - With HER! | Lisa E. Scott

"If he was capable, he would have done the changing with you." That's a nice little reality check for me...

Actually, a little clue that I should of picked up on is in the comments section under his post about changing his status to "in a relationship". One was "49 minutes and counting" and another was "shhh... don't jinx it". Even his friends joke about his relationships.
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Old 12-12-2009, 12:44 PM
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Awesome link - thanks! Wish the thanks button was working so I'll just have to repeat it here instead:
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Old 12-12-2009, 02:36 PM
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You're welcome! Glad you got something out of it too....
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:23 AM
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I think I've gone from anger to depression now. Spent most of the day yesterday in my PJ's when I should of been outside yesterday doing stuff. Just not motivated. Wish Xmas was over with because I just don't care about it. Spent the night last night with the fireplace going reading my Codie No More.

I think it's just hitting me now, and I'm finally, finally, accepting the fact that I hold absolutely no worth to him and I ment nothing, when he ment the world to me. That he's just an incredibly selfish man that I fell in love with. I see this even with her. He can't possibly really love anyone. His humanity is cut off. I was used and discarded like a piece of cheap clothing. That's what he does. And will do again.

I think I'm finally accepting this.....
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:59 AM
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Hey now, I just want to remind you that accepting something because it happened does not mean that it is truth. You are worth more on this earth and mean more to many t6han he is capable of seeing. Because he cannot see it does not mean that it does not exist. You can rise above him. He is beneath you.

I believe and have accepted that I held worth to my XABF but not for the reasons I would have wanted.

I wanted him to value my loyalty, my love, and my hardworking and giving natures because these are traits I believe make a true friend and companion.

BUT..

He valued my loyalty because it meant I would put him first over my family and friends. He valued my work ethic because it meant he would not have to work as hard or at all to pay his way in life. He valued my love for him because it meant he could be sweet to me and I forgive his awful treatment of me when he was drunk. He valued my codependence and caretaking because it meant I would support his addiction with my own.

I believe your EX valued you and you did mean something to him, but it was distorted and not really love at all.

Stay by the fire and keep reading. You will feel better soon!

Alice
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Old 12-13-2009, 09:31 AM
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BSO8, I feel exactly the way you do.

Alice, I neededto read that response too. Though it is practically impossible to me to believe that I meant anything to him on any level. I watched him go out of his way to prove himself to the one he really cared about. It seems I was just his comfort blanket while he worked on getting her back.
It's VERY hard to accept that I was anything to him.

But reading here still makes me realize his reality is not mine. And these are the truths I need to accept. Hard days sometimes.
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:49 PM
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Okay, where's that thank you button again....
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Old 12-13-2009, 08:04 PM
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just one little other thing

the way *I* read your post,
I think there's some more work to be done
on your part

to more firmly focus your life on soemthing OTHER than this guy.

we love alcoholics,
we take care of them

and all that

but when all that jargon
is stripped away
what's left

is a life that's been hyperfocused on one person.

and now that person isn't there.

I innundated myself in recovery
when I first got sober.

I get a feeling that you need to absorb yourself
in something else
as well.

Make this foundation firm and solid
just like I had to in recovery.

SIgn up for a painting class
learn a foreign language
adopt a mile of highway
volunteer at a battered women's shelter
even take on a second job if necessary.

anything that will focus and hold your attention
someplace else.
you're unable to resist the temptation
to check on this guy
right now.
IMO.

we have to re-learn how to be in life
because we'd let them take up so much of our waking time
it's made a giant HOLE where this person
used to be.

it's just like a footprint
in the mud -
it DOES fill in and disappear
it's just slow about it.


ps-
facebook sucks.
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Old 12-13-2009, 08:07 PM
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this time of year doesn't help, either.
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Old 12-15-2009, 06:47 PM
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The crazy thing is that I'm not really sitting around the house much (Sat was an exception). I love my job, I do volunteer with 3 different organizations that I truly love. I have good friends, and now great family, and am working on improving and expanding that network to make sure I have good quality people there.

So the obsession thing is a little daunting.

I have started over the past few days to stop myself and repeat "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter" every time I have a feeling or thougth come into my head about him. I need to just let him go, and I've been reluctant to do that. But I'm forcing myself to now. And it actually helps by just saying this phrase when I need it.

And ya, the holidays really don't help....
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