Whats your take?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 9
Whats your take?
Im really new to all of this so i dont know if some of this behavior is typical or just me. I have read a lot of other posts and see similar stories, but am so confused.
This morning, I sent an email to my ex's (currently 3 years sober) which simply said, hey you work down the street from me, if you ever want to get together for coffee or lunch let me know. I have exchanged several other emails with the sister in the past, nothing major, but a few none the less.
Today was about day 3 of no contact with ex, when all of a sudden she sends me a text berating me to "leave her friends and family alone and lose her number" I told her i didnt know what she meant and she said specifically about emailing her sister. I said that "that had nothing to do with you, and not everything that i do has to do with you" "it actually had NOTHING to do with you, get over it".
She said that her friends and family have everything to do with her, and leave them alone. Essentially i told her that not when its not about her. and that i wasnt interested in arguing about this with her.
I dont understand what the problem was, I didnt say anything in my email to sister that was out of line and certainly nothing that had to do with my ex in any way shape or form.
Is this behavior typical or does this girl have more issues that imaginable?
Thanks for your advice, it really helps me in this difficult time. Ive probably read more the past few days than i have in years.....
After thought:
It almost seems to me that she is trying to make me out as some sort of bad guy, like im stalking her and or her friends or something, which simply couldnt be further from the truth. I presume to try to justify her irratic behavior to herself? like she is sabotaging the relationship and needs to justify it by making me a horid ass or something.
This morning, I sent an email to my ex's (currently 3 years sober) which simply said, hey you work down the street from me, if you ever want to get together for coffee or lunch let me know. I have exchanged several other emails with the sister in the past, nothing major, but a few none the less.
Today was about day 3 of no contact with ex, when all of a sudden she sends me a text berating me to "leave her friends and family alone and lose her number" I told her i didnt know what she meant and she said specifically about emailing her sister. I said that "that had nothing to do with you, and not everything that i do has to do with you" "it actually had NOTHING to do with you, get over it".
She said that her friends and family have everything to do with her, and leave them alone. Essentially i told her that not when its not about her. and that i wasnt interested in arguing about this with her.
I dont understand what the problem was, I didnt say anything in my email to sister that was out of line and certainly nothing that had to do with my ex in any way shape or form.
Is this behavior typical or does this girl have more issues that imaginable?
Thanks for your advice, it really helps me in this difficult time. Ive probably read more the past few days than i have in years.....
After thought:
It almost seems to me that she is trying to make me out as some sort of bad guy, like im stalking her and or her friends or something, which simply couldnt be further from the truth. I presume to try to justify her irratic behavior to herself? like she is sabotaging the relationship and needs to justify it by making me a horid ass or something.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
This morning, I sent an email to my ex's (currently 3 years sober) which simply said, hey you work down the street from me, if you ever want to get together for coffee or lunch let me know. I have exchanged several other emails with the sister in the past, nothing major, but a few none the less.
Today was about day 3 of no contact with ex, when all of a sudden she sends me a text berating me to "leave her friends and family alone and lose her number" I told her i didnt know what she meant and she said specifically about emailing her sister. I said that "that had nothing to do with you, and not everything that i do has to do with you" "it actually had NOTHING to do with you, get over it".
Today was about day 3 of no contact with ex, when all of a sudden she sends me a text berating me to "leave her friends and family alone and lose her number" I told her i didnt know what she meant and she said specifically about emailing her sister. I said that "that had nothing to do with you, and not everything that i do has to do with you" "it actually had NOTHING to do with you, get over it".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
So, three days of no contact with your ex and you go and contact her sister? I can see where she would think you were, intruding..yes.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
Why do you want to have lunch with someone you've only exchanged superficial emails with, especially when you must surely know that it would be awkward under the circumstances? I'm wondering what exactly it was that you thought you'd visit about?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
ImJust said: "We are all infact adults. even if everyone wont act like one."
Okay, ImJust, you have said you are new to all this, so I am going to share some of my experience.
When there is an addict in the family, as there have been many in mine, when an "outsider" (sorry, but that is what you are to them now) tries to contact to have lunch or coffee with my sibling I would feel as if she had betrayed me if she didnt tell me about it immediately.
When I was fairly new in my recovery, my ex had found a girlfriend, and even though she was quite nice to my children, I felt as if my ex had personally insulted me as a mother by having my children around her. I have since come to learn that it is best to let people who want to love my children just do it. It took me many tears and years to let go of this obsession.
This breakup of yours is fairly new, the family might have closed ranks and you are seen as an enemy to the ex's sobriety and an intrusion into ex's life by contacting her sister.
All adults or not, this disease is so powerful all reason flies out the window.
I guess I am trying to get you to see it from her view, how would you feel if your ex contacted one of your siblings? Would you think it was to have lunch, coffee (with no strings attached)? Or would you think it was to discuss you and your break up?
Maybe because I am the alcoholic and codependent, I see you asking the sister to lunch as a recon mission.
(Sorry for all the military analogy, I was in the Army and it is how I see things.
Okay, ImJust, you have said you are new to all this, so I am going to share some of my experience.
When there is an addict in the family, as there have been many in mine, when an "outsider" (sorry, but that is what you are to them now) tries to contact to have lunch or coffee with my sibling I would feel as if she had betrayed me if she didnt tell me about it immediately.
When I was fairly new in my recovery, my ex had found a girlfriend, and even though she was quite nice to my children, I felt as if my ex had personally insulted me as a mother by having my children around her. I have since come to learn that it is best to let people who want to love my children just do it. It took me many tears and years to let go of this obsession.
This breakup of yours is fairly new, the family might have closed ranks and you are seen as an enemy to the ex's sobriety and an intrusion into ex's life by contacting her sister.
All adults or not, this disease is so powerful all reason flies out the window.
I guess I am trying to get you to see it from her view, how would you feel if your ex contacted one of your siblings? Would you think it was to have lunch, coffee (with no strings attached)? Or would you think it was to discuss you and your break up?
Maybe because I am the alcoholic and codependent, I see you asking the sister to lunch as a recon mission.
(Sorry for all the military analogy, I was in the Army and it is how I see things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
My ex A contacts my godmother periodically. It drove me NUTS at first. Now, I don't care, but that is with much distance.
After break ups, people tend to pick one person in the couple. Her sister will likely chose her over you. This is pretty standard break up stuff.
Sorry you are going through this.
After break ups, people tend to pick one person in the couple. Her sister will likely chose her over you. This is pretty standard break up stuff.
Sorry you are going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by wicked
ImJust said: "We are all infact adults. even if everyone wont act like one."
Okay, ImJust, you have said you are new to all this, so I am going to share some of my experience.
When there is an addict in the family, as there have been many in mine, when an "outsider" (sorry, but that is what you are to them now) tries to contact to have lunch or coffee with my sibling I would feel as if she had betrayed me if she didnt tell me about it immediately.
When I was fairly new in my recovery, my ex had found a girlfriend, and even though she was quite nice to my children, I felt as if my ex had personally insulted me as a mother by having my children around her. I have since come to learn that it is best to let people who want to love my children just do it. It took me many tears and years to let go of this obsession.
This breakup of yours is fairly new, the family might have closed ranks and you are seen as an enemy to the ex's sobriety and an intrusion into ex's life by contacting her sister.
All adults or not, this disease is so powerful all reason flies out the window.
I guess I am trying to get you to see it from her view, how would you feel if your ex contacted one of your siblings? Would you think it was to have lunch, coffee (with no strings attached)? Or would you think it was to discuss you and your break up?
Maybe because I am the alcoholic and codependent, I see you asking the sister to lunch as a recon mission.
(Sorry for all the military analogy, I was in the Army and it is how I see things.
Okay, ImJust, you have said you are new to all this, so I am going to share some of my experience.
When there is an addict in the family, as there have been many in mine, when an "outsider" (sorry, but that is what you are to them now) tries to contact to have lunch or coffee with my sibling I would feel as if she had betrayed me if she didnt tell me about it immediately.
When I was fairly new in my recovery, my ex had found a girlfriend, and even though she was quite nice to my children, I felt as if my ex had personally insulted me as a mother by having my children around her. I have since come to learn that it is best to let people who want to love my children just do it. It took me many tears and years to let go of this obsession.
This breakup of yours is fairly new, the family might have closed ranks and you are seen as an enemy to the ex's sobriety and an intrusion into ex's life by contacting her sister.
All adults or not, this disease is so powerful all reason flies out the window.
I guess I am trying to get you to see it from her view, how would you feel if your ex contacted one of your siblings? Would you think it was to have lunch, coffee (with no strings attached)? Or would you think it was to discuss you and your break up?
Maybe because I am the alcoholic and codependent, I see you asking the sister to lunch as a recon mission.
(Sorry for all the military analogy, I was in the Army and it is how I see things.
i guess its a lose lose, and i unknowingly made a mistake.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by ImJust
i completely understand that train of thought, thank you. while my intentions where honestly innocent, they thought otherwise.
i guess its a lose lose, and i unknowingly made a mistake.
i guess its a lose lose, and i unknowingly made a mistake.
I am sorry for your pain, ImJust.
Be good to yourself.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well, you can analyze it all you want, but the bottom line is she is drawing a boundary. If you're having trouble letting go of the relationship this might be hard, but to me respecting others boundaries is always the right thing to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
There is a lot of paranoia surrounding addiction on both sides.
The sister may very well have contacted the ex to see if she had any problem with the two of you getting together since you had done so before the breakup. The sister may very well have wanted to see you as a friend to shoot the breeze, but your ex sees this as an invasion into her pricacy and trying to fracture her family ties.
I suppose if the sister emails you back wanting to see you, then you could approach it cautiously. If not, I'd let it go as a lesson learned.
I don't think you have to look too deep into your own motives for the reason why you wrote her. You were reaching out...maybe in the back of your mind you thought you'd gleam info on your ex from the sister, but let that stuff go. To avoid getting sucked into those things, just consider any connection to your ex before you reach out to people you both used to know. When there's a strong connection, proceed cautiously or not at all.
Just my take on it.
Now, cheer up and find another friend to have coffee with. As a good friend who's optimism I admire says when one door closes on him...."NEXT!"
Alice
The sister may very well have contacted the ex to see if she had any problem with the two of you getting together since you had done so before the breakup. The sister may very well have wanted to see you as a friend to shoot the breeze, but your ex sees this as an invasion into her pricacy and trying to fracture her family ties.
I suppose if the sister emails you back wanting to see you, then you could approach it cautiously. If not, I'd let it go as a lesson learned.
I don't think you have to look too deep into your own motives for the reason why you wrote her. You were reaching out...maybe in the back of your mind you thought you'd gleam info on your ex from the sister, but let that stuff go. To avoid getting sucked into those things, just consider any connection to your ex before you reach out to people you both used to know. When there's a strong connection, proceed cautiously or not at all.
Just my take on it.
Now, cheer up and find another friend to have coffee with. As a good friend who's optimism I admire says when one door closes on him...."NEXT!"
Alice
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