nodaybut2day

Ok, for those who don't remember, XAH had previously denied me and my family any contact with my stepson. He stated that it was my stepson's mother who actually made the decision, for the supposed safety of her son; whether or not this is true remains to be seen. XAH is not above blame shifting or lying outright.

Now, for some reason, perhaps because XAH feels that he has "won" I'm suddenly allowed to see my stepson. I haven't had him over at my place, or rather at my parents' place, because everyone feels a bit uncomfortable. Also, my parents aren't so keen on renewing ties with a child who may be taken away at any time. Also, my stepson is in his first year of secondary school and has been extremely busy, so him coming to see me isn't very feasible.

Mediation #3 was slated for tonight but we had to cancel due to stepson falling on the ice and hurting himself. Then XAH calls me at work to discuss when I'll be having my stepson over "for a Christmas thing". WTF?

First I'm not permitted to see him and if I try, I'll get sewed or something. Then I AM allowed to see him, which I did a few times during visits at XAH's place. And now, I'm expected to have "a Christmas thing" for him, before he leaves to go to his mother's in Toronto?! I honestly hadn't thought about christmas...

Am I horrible to feel very conflicted about this? I feel like I'm being used by XAH, once again, to make sure his son gets presents and whatnot. I *do* want to see my stepson, but this occasion feels a bit forced, and like my parents, I'm worried that I'll renew ties with him and then he'll be yanked away heartlessly whenever XAH feels threatened again!

Blearg.

Jazzman

I agree with Bucyn on all accounts. This is why people say the children are the biggest victims. I was Step Father to Ms children for 5 years and when we split up my relationship with them all but ended. We see each other a couple times a year but that's it. Just know that your Stepson will be a better person because you were in his life

nodaybut2day

Ugh, so this means I have to TALk to XAH about his son? Oh man is that ever going to become a nuclear battle. I can already see where this will go.

I had a discussion last night with my parents regarding my stepson and my mother's reaction was predictable: "XAH just wants you to give his son gifts, probably because he can't afford much". My father was angry: "Until that "/$%?&* stops using his son to hurt and manipulate you, we shouldn't have contact with him."

So, it seems that my stepson isn't welcome at my parents' house any longer, which makes seeing him very tricky. I completely understand where my father's coming from: ever since I met XAH and my stepson came into our lives, my dad's been struggling NOT to bond with the boy too much because he was afraid of just this, and since XAH likes to use his son in power struggles, this denial of access was inevitable...

I still feel as though it's not fair to my stepson to lose this entire network of people--i.e. my extended family, because his father and I are at odds...but at the same time I feel used/frustrated/scared. I'm wondering if I should request that my stepson's mother grant me access to him (as in, via email or something), so that I can at least be protected should XAH decide once more to jerk us around and deny acess to him.

hello-kitty

Listen to your parents. They sound wise.

You don't need to talk to your ex about anything. I wish you'd stop talking to him! ;-)

A solution might be just to send your stepson a small gift and a card/letter in the mail with a message in it saying you'd love to see him when things calm down; after the holidays, after the legal issues are settled, for a special get together just the two of you.

I think he will appreciate your honesty. Fact is that he is your step son and yes, unfortunately, he is turning into collateral damage because your STBXAH is using him as a pawn.

But you don't have to participate. In fact, if you do participate. You can walk away from the table.

In the end, the best you can hope is to save yourself and your daughter a lot of pain and heart ache. That is your responsibility.

And did I say already, that your parents sound wise and you should listen to them?

nodaybut2day

Thank you for the advice Hello-kitty. My parents ARE wise; why didn't I listen to them BEFORE I married XAH?!

The legal custody stuff won't be settled for a long while, so it might take some time before I'd be able to see my stepson. Also, when he returns from Toronto, he'll be buried in end of term exams.

I've opted to invite him out to breakfast the day he leaves for Toronto (in a week from now), and told him it could just be the two of us, if he wanted. That would solve the whole "my parents seeing him" dilemma, and would give us the chance to really talk about what's been happening.

I think that I'll have to enter into this situation expecting that he might leave my life again and again, depending on XAH's reactions. It's sad but since I have no legal right to him, it has to be this way, at least until he's an adult.