divorce confusion

Old 12-10-2009, 12:47 PM
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divorce confusion

This is my first post...but I'm hoping someone can help me clear my head. My husband of 6 years is addicted to crack. He was a police officer, and I am an emergency room RN. He lost his police job, we lost our home, had to file bankruptcy, I ended up with a mysterious STD, and we have basically lost everything in the last 2 years that he has begun actively using again. We have one child together, and one adopted child (they are 3 and 7 respectively), however I have also raised his three older children since he was a single parent when i met him and they have no contact with their bio mom.

We have been separated now for 4 months. This is the umpteenth time we have been separated due to his lying, cheating, and using. Last month, I found an attorney and filed for divorce, as well as legal guardianship of the three older children. He is currently living in the car I let him have...and says he is going to outpatient rehab. However he continues to disappear for periods of time and acts the same as when I know he has been using in the past.

We met together with my attorney yesterday to try to settle the issues in the divorce and get it finished. We didnt get far. By the time it was over, my attorney was offering to help him get a job at the fire dept, and was advising me to agree to non supervised visitation and joint legal custody. Previously, he had "strongly recommended" I pursue only sole custody and only supervised visitation. My husband protested the statements in the petition for divorce claiming that i was pursuing divorce due to his substance abuse and use in front of the children. As well as my concerns for their safety. My attorney told him we could 'get this all done without mentioning those things'. I left after the meeting feeling like I was continuing to lie and cover for him...like i couldn't be honest...even in my own divorce...and like i was once again allowing his "all about him" mentality to cloud my better judgement. My husband can be a very charming person when he is not using...and the attorney really fell for it. I felt like a bad a** b**** that was trying to screw him...even though I don't feel like I want any revenge...only want myself and my kids to be safe.

Can someone help me sort this out? What is wrong with me? I even feel confused about going through with the divorce now...like maybe i'm the one that has the problem...maybe i should just back off and give him ANOTHER chance like he is asking for? What is it about this guy that makes me doubt myself so much? What is it about this guy that makes me want to stay with him despite all the pain and heartache we have been through?

I feel like I'm going crazy...and no one understands...
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Old 12-10-2009, 12:55 PM
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Welcome to SR, hoping. There is a lot of good wisdom to be found here and I hope you stick around for a while and read as much as you can. Reading the experiences of others can really help you gain some perspective and also help you feel stronger in the decisions you make.

The main thing that stood out for me in your story is that you are both meeting with one attorney. You should each have your own attorney during a divorce. If he cannot afford one, that is not your problem, but I would never have allowed my husband to talk with my attorney while I was divorcing him. There is no excuse for YOUR attorney to be trying to get your husband a job or attempting to help him in any way. That is a direct conflict of interest and my advice to you is to fire that attorney and find another one who will work for YOUR interests. You are the one paying him/her and he/she works for YOU, not you and your husband.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:05 PM
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wow, hopingforchange, you are sure going thru a lot.
i do understand and you are not going crazy.
my ex-AH was a crack user too, we lived in his mom's basement while he went thru everything we had. and would still get more money from his mom!
he lost his job as a union carpenter because he was unreliable, and things quickly went down the drain from there. charm? oh yeah, but it would wear thin, because whatever he charmed out of people they eventually found out he was incapable of paying them back.
this is just my opinion, but i think you should change attorneys with a quickness.
how dare he take your addicted husband's side of this and offer to find a way into the fire department. did you tell him he is living in his car, and disappears for days at a time?
let them become bff's and the attorney can find out what supporting a crack addict is like firsthand. damn, i am angry about this. LOL sorry.
you need to take care of you right now. you are not crazy, you can do this. get some support. please. right now.
there are people in al-anon meetings that know you are not crazy, and can understand everything you are going thru. you are not alone. get some help.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:10 PM
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You need a new attorney, this one is working for him.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:23 PM
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hi, welcome. sorry you are going through all of this. i do understand, we all know what its like to feel stuck loving an addict. just trying to cope with their behavior makes you crazy and besides, they blame us for everything. when i first came here, my ah had convinced me and everyone we both know that i was crazy and needed to be commited to an asylum. thank god i found this place just in time.

my ah is a crack addict and lost everything too. we are separated now but he did take al of us through the wringer with his addiction before he was made to leave. i'm really in shock to hear that your att. wants you to agree with allowing him joint custody and unsupervised visits, knowing his his history of drug abuse.

i agree with the others, let him have that att. and maybe find you another one. one that has you and your kids best interest at heart. i say stand your grounds and keep protecting you and your kids. btw, i think you are doing great by getting you and your kids to safety. keep posting and reading others post, maybe try ala non or nar anon f2f support groups for yourself. i'll keep you and youirs in my prayers.
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Old 12-10-2009, 02:26 PM
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Im new here, but offer my sympathy. You need seperate attorneys! Im going through the same thing and tomorrow is our court case for restraining order. I have my own attorney who fully understands these problems from addiction. you might want to find one who has dealt with these type of divorces. My attorney wants NO conversation with my husband at all.
I too have a charmer, he has charmed drs. for 5 years now, so I know what your going through. I too still love him after 25 years of marriage. why? because we know how they used to be. But will they ever be that again? we dont know and it eats us up.
Please continue getting support from here or professionals who know the exact problem your having...we owe it too ourselves to try to live our lives without drugs as we arent NUTS or a bitch! (being told the same thing)...this was all their doing.
I know its hard (I broke down at work today and seriously thought of going to physic unit) but was able to calm down..I just hope each day gets easier,but Im not sure of the answer to that either. continue holding on to hope and strength that you will get through this and take it one day at a time ..
Please talk and get support exp with a new lawyer.
HUGS
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Old 12-10-2009, 03:03 PM
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It sounds to me that you are maybe not ready. I would give him an ultimadum....90 meetings in 90 days and drug tests...and maybe you would delay the procedings. Watch his actions not what he says. I belong to a site called Divorce Care. They send daily emails and are very spiritual.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:58 AM
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I wanted to add something that popped into my head as I was reading your post.

Divorce isn't necessarily a final answer. You can always remarry if he seeks recovery and becomes the man you once loved.

For now, you need to take care of yourself and your kids (way to go for taking on his kids too!) responsibly, that is your main goal.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:49 AM
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I am taking a different approach here....given the unknown of your financial situation.

You have 5 children. He is currently living in his car. What's your end goal, here?

Can you consider letting your attorney help him get a job so that he can contribute to the court- ordered financial support of and health care insurance for his children?

In the long run, that's more important than having drug abuse/addiction appear on the divorce papers, that no one will see?

As for the rest......there is nothing about him that causes you to doubt yourself. The doubt is within you and about you. Please consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's at your local library and used at Amazon for about $2. This simple book has changed many people's lives.
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Old 12-11-2009, 11:28 AM
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I have a very dear friend that is a recovering crack addict. She had a great job, a husband, a home in '03 when she revealed to her closest circle of friends her addiction. Talk about shock! Us three girls (closest friends) watched her rise and fall over and over again. Crack addiction is horrendous. She blew through 10's of thousands of dollars - it's so hard to believe the money she spent. Today she believes it neared 100 grand! She lost more than one job, her husband and home and thanks to God is now on her feet again and trying her best to dig out of the hole she created. The issue is that while addicted, nothing on earth mattered to her at all besides the drug. It was so sad to watch! She not only let her husband down time and again, but she let us friends down too as we would help her at times in good faith and get burned. After her divorce she was clean nearly a year and we all supported her as much as we could. But she relapsed and sunk quick...as friends we finally had to withdraw from her. It was after all her resources were gone she started to really take her recovery seriously. Today she is 18 months clean with a long way to go.

The reason that I shared this is that you are right on to think of yourself and your kids (including his) first! Stay focused on you and the kids and try not to focus on him at all. Your lawyer is disgusting and needs to go. Fire him and suggest he go pro bono with soon to be ex, because that is what it will end up being. Active crack addicts have a very hard time keeping jobs. It might last a little while with the fire dept, but unless he gets serious with recovery forget it being anything long term.

****{Hugs}}} to you! This is all so very hard...I'm dealing with my own AH too.
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