What do I do??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
What do I do??
I'll try to make this brief.
2007 I met a wonderful man, I was incredibly happy. I slowly started seeing signs of him drinking more and more, but being that I didn't drink at all, and the rose coloured glasses I had on, I didn't see it to be a huge problem.
I ended up becoming pregnant with his baby.
Over the course of time our relationship started to fail miserably. We had big troubles, we were both very stressed, I became aware that his drinking was infact not only a problem, but that he was an alcoholic. In the past when I brought it up, he replied with extreme anger.
There were countless times where his drinking was attributed to the fights we had.
Through a series of events (not all good) we ended up living together, him, myself, our son and my other 3 children.
We didn't even make it a year in that house before he broke up with me.
I ended up moving out and on my own with my 4 kids.
He straightened up, saught help, agreed that yes he was an alcoholic and that he had cut the drinking WAY back. He was a new man! A changed man! I was thilled! I was skeptical, but everytime we were with each other he wasn't drinking very much at all! I was impressed and thought he had really changed.
That was in July of this year, and slowly, he's gone back to visiting the local LCBO everyday. He changed what he was drinking, said that it was the Whiskey before that mad him act the way he did.
He's able to hide it very well, when he's drunk. It's not until he becomes angry (IF he becomes angry) that I notice it. He doesn't slur his speech, or pass out, or any of the usual tell tale signs, he goes from happy to angry pretty quick.
A good example was when we all had dinner out one night. He seemed fine! I picked him up, we got there, he had a few beers, I mentioned something and BOOM it set him off. I knew right then that he was drunk, but I couldn't tell before! I asked him how much he had drank before I picked him up, and he got angry.
Now....let me say this. Aside from the drinking, he's a great man. He loves me with everything he has, and he loves our son and my children. He does NOT exhibit this angry behaviour often.
I'm just VERY concerned for him, his health and our future. I had basically told him before that he needs to quit for good. He had agreed, but then started up again. He says he drinks out of boredom.
I don't want to leave him, but on the other hand.....I can't raise my children around an alcoholic either. What can I do?
Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
He's 38, he's been drinking for MANY years, he will not go to AA, and he will not see his Dr rearding this.
He says he can go cold turkey and do it on his own, OR control how much he drinks, and I've seen that for brief periods of time, but he always goes back.
The way he was previous to our big break up earlier this year.....I cannot live like that again. It was awful.
I thought he had changed...but he's slipping back and I'm scared.
I don't want to lose him, but like I said....I will not put my kids through what they've already seen in previous times. That's not fair to anyone.
What do I do???
(sorry if there are any spelling errors, I need to run and pick up my kids from school now)
2007 I met a wonderful man, I was incredibly happy. I slowly started seeing signs of him drinking more and more, but being that I didn't drink at all, and the rose coloured glasses I had on, I didn't see it to be a huge problem.
I ended up becoming pregnant with his baby.
Over the course of time our relationship started to fail miserably. We had big troubles, we were both very stressed, I became aware that his drinking was infact not only a problem, but that he was an alcoholic. In the past when I brought it up, he replied with extreme anger.
There were countless times where his drinking was attributed to the fights we had.
Through a series of events (not all good) we ended up living together, him, myself, our son and my other 3 children.
We didn't even make it a year in that house before he broke up with me.
I ended up moving out and on my own with my 4 kids.
He straightened up, saught help, agreed that yes he was an alcoholic and that he had cut the drinking WAY back. He was a new man! A changed man! I was thilled! I was skeptical, but everytime we were with each other he wasn't drinking very much at all! I was impressed and thought he had really changed.
That was in July of this year, and slowly, he's gone back to visiting the local LCBO everyday. He changed what he was drinking, said that it was the Whiskey before that mad him act the way he did.
He's able to hide it very well, when he's drunk. It's not until he becomes angry (IF he becomes angry) that I notice it. He doesn't slur his speech, or pass out, or any of the usual tell tale signs, he goes from happy to angry pretty quick.
A good example was when we all had dinner out one night. He seemed fine! I picked him up, we got there, he had a few beers, I mentioned something and BOOM it set him off. I knew right then that he was drunk, but I couldn't tell before! I asked him how much he had drank before I picked him up, and he got angry.
Now....let me say this. Aside from the drinking, he's a great man. He loves me with everything he has, and he loves our son and my children. He does NOT exhibit this angry behaviour often.
I'm just VERY concerned for him, his health and our future. I had basically told him before that he needs to quit for good. He had agreed, but then started up again. He says he drinks out of boredom.
I don't want to leave him, but on the other hand.....I can't raise my children around an alcoholic either. What can I do?
Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
He's 38, he's been drinking for MANY years, he will not go to AA, and he will not see his Dr rearding this.
He says he can go cold turkey and do it on his own, OR control how much he drinks, and I've seen that for brief periods of time, but he always goes back.
The way he was previous to our big break up earlier this year.....I cannot live like that again. It was awful.
I thought he had changed...but he's slipping back and I'm scared.
I don't want to lose him, but like I said....I will not put my kids through what they've already seen in previous times. That's not fair to anyone.
What do I do???
(sorry if there are any spelling errors, I need to run and pick up my kids from school now)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Elsie,
Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
Not only is it reasonable but healthy for you and your kids. Are you prepared to leave if he does not stop? (money, new apartment/home, etc etc. ?)
He says he can go cold turkey and do it on his own, OR control how much he drinks
Classic denial. The words of an active alcoholic are meaningless.
Good for you for trusting your past experience. I agree it is not fair for you or the children to absorb the pain of an addict. You all deserve peace and happiness.
Hugs!
Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
Not only is it reasonable but healthy for you and your kids. Are you prepared to leave if he does not stop? (money, new apartment/home, etc etc. ?)
He says he can go cold turkey and do it on his own, OR control how much he drinks
Classic denial. The words of an active alcoholic are meaningless.
Good for you for trusting your past experience. I agree it is not fair for you or the children to absorb the pain of an addict. You all deserve peace and happiness.
Hugs!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find lots of support and information here. I recommend the permanent posts at the top of the forum (sticky posts) as they contain a lot of our stories and much wisdom.
I also recommend Alanon meetings for you. Alcoholism affects the entire family. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse without treatment.
The 3 C's are:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You will not cure it
The only thing you can control in your relationship is yourself and your responses.
You said:Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
I learned to play the tape all the way through. Are you prepared to leave if he refuses to stop drinking? If he agrees to stop and refuses to get help through a recovery program (to learn new coping skills when he is bored) and still gets angry - what will you do?
For myself, it was not enough for my AH to offer to get sober. Sober without learning new coping skills is just a dry drunk, imho. The anger is still there without plans to vent it in a healthy manner. The reaction to blame others instead of taking personal responsibility is still there. The ability to manipulate, deny and lie are still the everyday tools used by someone who has relied on them for years. They don't go away just because the bottle goes away.
You will find lots of support and information here. I recommend the permanent posts at the top of the forum (sticky posts) as they contain a lot of our stories and much wisdom.
I also recommend Alanon meetings for you. Alcoholism affects the entire family. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse without treatment.
The 3 C's are:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You will not cure it
The only thing you can control in your relationship is yourself and your responses.
You said:Is it reasonable of me to say "Stop, or we're through?"
I learned to play the tape all the way through. Are you prepared to leave if he refuses to stop drinking? If he agrees to stop and refuses to get help through a recovery program (to learn new coping skills when he is bored) and still gets angry - what will you do?
For myself, it was not enough for my AH to offer to get sober. Sober without learning new coping skills is just a dry drunk, imho. The anger is still there without plans to vent it in a healthy manner. The reaction to blame others instead of taking personal responsibility is still there. The ability to manipulate, deny and lie are still the everyday tools used by someone who has relied on them for years. They don't go away just because the bottle goes away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Elsie and Welcome to SR! The people here are wonderfully supportive; I'm glad you found us.
I'm very sorry you and your four children are having to deal with this. You're a very brave mama (I struggle with just 1 kid!).
Please remember the 3 C's with regards to addiction:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
You don't have the power to make your husband not drink or drink more. You're not that powerful. So, the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. What do YOU want? What makes YOU happy? Also, you brought up a very good point: your children. You have a responsibility to protect them from your husband's disease.
Please keep posting and reading. Sadly, I'm sure you'll find your story repeated in the lives of others again and again. Happily, you're not alone in this.
I'm very sorry you and your four children are having to deal with this. You're a very brave mama (I struggle with just 1 kid!).
Please remember the 3 C's with regards to addiction:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
You don't have the power to make your husband not drink or drink more. You're not that powerful. So, the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. What do YOU want? What makes YOU happy? Also, you brought up a very good point: your children. You have a responsibility to protect them from your husband's disease.
Please keep posting and reading. Sadly, I'm sure you'll find your story repeated in the lives of others again and again. Happily, you're not alone in this.
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