new and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
new and confused
will try to make this short. my husband of 25 years is currently addicted to pain meds (prescribed from a dr.) he also is bipolar. 10 years ago he was addicted to crack cocaine and went into rehab. we went bankrupt and lost a home. he is getting worse , very unstable. he recently was in a physicatric unit and met a 24 year old couple (he is 52) and last week moved out after we got into a heated arguement about him going to rehab. he believes since 1 dr. gives him these meds, for chronic pain, he is okay , he is not. prior to this dr. 5 physicians asked him to leave their practice.
he is verbally abusive to me, he threatens me with suicide and demands money to end our marriage. he is hiding out in this couple's home and I finally had to find him and when I contacted this couple they told me they are going to the police for harrassment! finally he called me (very angry) and again threatened suicide if I didnt hand over money (like I have any) and he said if I didnt we both would die and no one will get our current home. I called his pyschiatrist and he told me to go to the police for a restraining order. I did so and was granted one.
I am scared, lonely, depressed and get panic attacks. I miss him and want to help him and at times feel guilty that Im not there for him, but then I think how much I have tried to help him. I am a 2X cancer survivor and feel my life is going down hill because of this all. I have an appt.with my dr.this evening to help me.
my concern right now is our court case this friday, I am asking for permanent restraining order ( I had one 10 years ago until he came out of rehab) Im worried I will be denied this as he can be very,very manipulative and charming when he wants too. Im also worried that the judge will demand me to give him financial support right now and I cant as we have alot of bills. He has called my family and asked for money (they declined) and he now saids he is depressed.
Sadly, I know after talking to many people, that I am not alone. but I feel alone.
what can I expect this friday? All I want is for him to get help and I feel safe.
I know deep in my heart he can do the rehab again and get sober, but he doesnt want to. this couple is helping him (which the detective told me their motive is money and drugs) and Im concerned with this as well.
thank you for response and I am thankful I found this forum (Im usually on my cancer support forum)..so I fully understand the importance.
he is verbally abusive to me, he threatens me with suicide and demands money to end our marriage. he is hiding out in this couple's home and I finally had to find him and when I contacted this couple they told me they are going to the police for harrassment! finally he called me (very angry) and again threatened suicide if I didnt hand over money (like I have any) and he said if I didnt we both would die and no one will get our current home. I called his pyschiatrist and he told me to go to the police for a restraining order. I did so and was granted one.
I am scared, lonely, depressed and get panic attacks. I miss him and want to help him and at times feel guilty that Im not there for him, but then I think how much I have tried to help him. I am a 2X cancer survivor and feel my life is going down hill because of this all. I have an appt.with my dr.this evening to help me.
my concern right now is our court case this friday, I am asking for permanent restraining order ( I had one 10 years ago until he came out of rehab) Im worried I will be denied this as he can be very,very manipulative and charming when he wants too. Im also worried that the judge will demand me to give him financial support right now and I cant as we have alot of bills. He has called my family and asked for money (they declined) and he now saids he is depressed.
Sadly, I know after talking to many people, that I am not alone. but I feel alone.
what can I expect this friday? All I want is for him to get help and I feel safe.
I know deep in my heart he can do the rehab again and get sober, but he doesnt want to. this couple is helping him (which the detective told me their motive is money and drugs) and Im concerned with this as well.
thank you for response and I am thankful I found this forum (Im usually on my cancer support forum)..so I fully understand the importance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Tam)) - welcome to SR, though I am sorry for what has brought you here.
First of all, good for you in getting the restraining order. I can't tell you what will happen in court, but I think if you and your lawyer go in there with proof of what your bills are, it will speak volumes. Besides, does he work? Is there any reason (other than his abuse of pain meds) that he CAN'T work? Just because HE thinks you should give him money, doesn't make it a fact.
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings. They are filled with loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. Though al-anon is the alcoholic portion, they have more meetings than nar-anon and are usually more than welcoming to loved ones of addicts. F2f support is extremely helpful. You will also get a lot of support here.
I'm an RA (recovering addict - crack) as well as a recovering codie (codependent) and have loved ones who are addicts, so I've seen both sides of addiction. As much as we want to see them get clean and get their lives together, that is something only they can do, and it sounds as if he has no intention of doing that and has found some enablers.
I learned here about the 3 c's - you didn't cause it, can't change it and can't cure it. Focus on you, and take care of yourself. It's hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves, but as someone who did just that, I am grateful to my family that they allowed me to do that. If I had not been allowed to hit my bottom, and find my way back up, I'd probably still be on crack. Call it "tough love" or whatever - they did what they had to do to go on with their lives and let me fall. I did, and now, I thank them, often and I have more than 2-1/2 years clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, good for you in getting the restraining order. I can't tell you what will happen in court, but I think if you and your lawyer go in there with proof of what your bills are, it will speak volumes. Besides, does he work? Is there any reason (other than his abuse of pain meds) that he CAN'T work? Just because HE thinks you should give him money, doesn't make it a fact.
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings. They are filled with loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. Though al-anon is the alcoholic portion, they have more meetings than nar-anon and are usually more than welcoming to loved ones of addicts. F2f support is extremely helpful. You will also get a lot of support here.
I'm an RA (recovering addict - crack) as well as a recovering codie (codependent) and have loved ones who are addicts, so I've seen both sides of addiction. As much as we want to see them get clean and get their lives together, that is something only they can do, and it sounds as if he has no intention of doing that and has found some enablers.
I learned here about the 3 c's - you didn't cause it, can't change it and can't cure it. Focus on you, and take care of yourself. It's hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves, but as someone who did just that, I am grateful to my family that they allowed me to do that. If I had not been allowed to hit my bottom, and find my way back up, I'd probably still be on crack. Call it "tough love" or whatever - they did what they had to do to go on with their lives and let me fall. I did, and now, I thank them, often and I have more than 2-1/2 years clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
thank you so much for your reply! I am a fighter, will get through this one way or another. Im going to check into in person support groups as well.
your reply was right on though and all I can do is protect and take care of myself and pray.
my attorney said I should be fine friday he isnt attending as he said that usually this court doesnt handle financial requests (plus I cant afford it) my husband would have to obtain a lawyer and give me notice about financial support. so Im just trying to make sure that is accurate.
hugsssssss back at you
your reply was right on though and all I can do is protect and take care of myself and pray.
my attorney said I should be fine friday he isnt attending as he said that usually this court doesnt handle financial requests (plus I cant afford it) my husband would have to obtain a lawyer and give me notice about financial support. so Im just trying to make sure that is accurate.
hugsssssss back at you
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Tam)))
One other thing - I would keep a notebook and document the time/date and exactly what he says when he calls with these threats...whether it's a threat to commit suicide or that "neither of you will survive". If there's any texts, save them. If there's a way to record the calls, record them. Keep all this in a safe place. I know you've been through the order of protection before, and you probably know all this, but documentation is very impressive to judges.
I know you're a fighter if you've survived cancer x2!! I just hate that you're having to go through all this, but very glad he's not in the same house!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
One other thing - I would keep a notebook and document the time/date and exactly what he says when he calls with these threats...whether it's a threat to commit suicide or that "neither of you will survive". If there's any texts, save them. If there's a way to record the calls, record them. Keep all this in a safe place. I know you've been through the order of protection before, and you probably know all this, but documentation is very impressive to judges.
I know you're a fighter if you've survived cancer x2!! I just hate that you're having to go through all this, but very glad he's not in the same house!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr. sorry that you are going through all of this but so glad you found us. lots of wisdom and experience here. i'm a recovering crack addict married but separated from an active crack addict who is why if sought out this site and it has truly been a life saver for me.
i agree with imperrfect. my family allowed me to hit my bottom and suffer the consequences of my bad choices. then and only then did i finally see how destructive my life had become giving me the desire to seek help. today, i have a few yrs clean and is forever grateful to them for letting me fall until i was tired of falling.
i don't know about court either but seems you do have a lot going in your favor. he's abusing drugs, he's abusive and he's threatening to kill himself and you. like purrfect said, try to document all you can.
keep posting, reading and focusing on you. you may want to have a plan b, just in case he tries something before court date. i don't have much advice but i will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
i agree with imperrfect. my family allowed me to hit my bottom and suffer the consequences of my bad choices. then and only then did i finally see how destructive my life had become giving me the desire to seek help. today, i have a few yrs clean and is forever grateful to them for letting me fall until i was tired of falling.
i don't know about court either but seems you do have a lot going in your favor. he's abusing drugs, he's abusive and he's threatening to kill himself and you. like purrfect said, try to document all you can.
keep posting, reading and focusing on you. you may want to have a plan b, just in case he tries something before court date. i don't have much advice but i will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
thank you all again. I have everything documented, even a letter I sent to his "pain management" dr about his and mine safety from july. I also have phone message copies of calls I made to his psychiarist and again pain dr. of him threatening suicide and his pri.care dr. I spoke to tonight and he is well aware of the situation. my husband also works (but was told he cant work there while under the influence last week )
where I work, and all the employees are my witness to his behavior, as a mattter of fact our boss is taking me this friday for support and most importantly for my protection.
reading your messages gives me relief and some hope..never lose hope is what I learned in my journey of dealing with an illness..
where I work, and all the employees are my witness to his behavior, as a mattter of fact our boss is taking me this friday for support and most importantly for my protection.
reading your messages gives me relief and some hope..never lose hope is what I learned in my journey of dealing with an illness..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Tam))) - it sounds like you have an awesome plan and some good support. When I first came to SR, I read a lot of other posts...it helped me to see that I wasn't alone in what I was going through and gave me a tremendous amount of comfort. It was pretty strange to hear some of "my" story written by someone else, but I've learned so much from everyone here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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