ImJust

I recently began dating someone that has been in recovery for a little over 3 years. Things in the relationship were going AWESOME, couldnt be any better. Eventually, we got into one disagreement, and things were just never the same. I have constantly supported my GF by encourageing her to go to meetings (just suggesting and reminding).

Roughly a week had past since our disagreement, and as i felt things were starting to get better, I noticed that she was starting to withdrawl and push me away. not psycicaly, but mentally and emotionally. she used to be a big cuddler while sleeping, now she slept on the other side of the bed. Just little things like that. I didnt say anything, just observed for a bit.

Yesterday, she got up real early and told me that she didnt know what was going on with her but she was in a funk and needed to figure it out. She was going to meet with her sponser and go to a meeting, i said ok, take it one day at a time.

Needless to say, after her meeting she went to a friends house, who is also in recovery (and just got out of a bad relationship) and wouldnt return any of my calls all day. last night when she did finally text me, she asked me if i was coming over with the kids as we had planned. Being that i hadnt heard from her all day, i didnt have a clue what was going on, so i didnt prepare the kids to go. When i suggested that i would like to know what is going on, before i came over, she text me and said that im a great guy but shes not ready willing or able to be in a relationship right now.

This is the part that confuses me the most. All along she has been saying that she loved me and all the normal things that people do in a relationship, and it felt sincere. Just one day something changed.

Now i am conflicted, because i love this girl to death. I want to be supportive to her and give her some space at the same time. I realize that i may not be the problem, but cant help but wonder what i did wrong. I dont know whether to just leave because this will be a continuing course in the future or whether to stick it out and offer support that i dont know how to offer.

Im just really stuck, between my head and heart and lack of knowledge about the disease. I dont want it to be over, but i dont want to force anyone into something they dont want to be in, if that makes sense.

I think im getting redundant, so i will post it as that.

Thank you in advance for any help

Chrysalis123

I am sorry you are struggling with your girlfriend.

I have learned here that when I am in doubt about how to act to do nothing and more will be revealed.

As for you, what are you planning to do for yourself in order to have a great day?

GiveLove

When people break up with us, it throws us into a pit of confusion and crazy. What did we do? What should/could we have done differently? Can I get them to change their mind, and is that the right thing to do? What do I do with these feelings?

These are the times when I find that a few little sessions with a counselor really help me to sort out what I feel, where it hurts, and what to do next.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're reaching out to try to figure this stuff out. You may want to enlist a little professional help too -- that's what it's there for.

Hugs to you,
GL

ImJust

I have reached out to a counselor as of literally just a few minutes ago. I know that traditional break-ups happen. The problem that i am having is, i am obviously not dating a traditional girl. therefore traditional rules dont always apply.

I understand that she will go through stages throughout the course of recovery and always will. I can appreciate that. I just DONT know if these actions are because of recovery or because of traditional....nor what i can/should/shouldnt do to move forward.

As for what do i plan on doing today? probably nothing, its my day off from work, and my head is jacked up, so i will likely get some sleep and pray.

ANEWAUGUST

There are ups and downs in recovery, just as there are ups and downs in life.

Wether these are related to recovery, her program that she needs to work, well, only
she can answer those questions.

She may very well love you, and meant everything she said., but, her recovery
comes first, and if she felt this jepordized it, then, hopefully, she might be able to share
that with you.

Just because you aren't dating a "traditional" girl, doesn't mean that you shouldn't
expect or try to have a healthy relationship with her.

How long have you been dating her.....did things maybe move too quickly, too soon?

Peace

ImJust

Well, to be honest with you, i believe that this could be partially true, there was a slew of new developments that took place after we got together, including but not limited to her sister wanted to sell the house that she lives in. I know that she doesnt have any money to buy her kids christmas presents this year because her husband wont pay child support. I know that things are getting shut off for non payment. I, unfortunately think that it is easier to point the finger at me in this scenario (if this is the cause of it all) than it is to deal with the problems at hand. Without knowing for sure, it is all just a guessing game to me.





I did NOT treat her any different than i would treat any other girl, except for the reminders of going to a meeting. If i didnt, she wouldnt always go. I was also supportive of them, i would watch her kids if need be, or make arrangements so she could attend, which obviously i wouldnt have to do with a tradtional girl.





We havent been dating but for a few months. I personally think things moved a little fast, but not as fast as she wanted them to. I know she kept asking me to move in with her, which i could not comply, i suggested we wait until spring at least. to see how things played out. I was more going with the flow on certain things (unless out of the question) so if they went to fast, i didnt encourage it. If that makes sense.

ImJust

So last night she text me that all of my belongings were in the front hall and i could come get them. Included in my items were the keys to the truck that she had been borrowing from me for a month now. When i went to get the truck i noticed that all of her stuff was still in it, so i left the truck there but took the keys. I text her that i needed to talk to her for a minute (about the truck and something else) She failed to answer my message, so i left.

This morning, she sends me a message, asking if she gave me the keys back because she cant find them, and needed to take the truck to run some errands.

I find it quite odd that she would go through all of this trouble to get rid of me without contact, and then expect that she could still feel free to use my belongings? Am i missing something here?

Thanks for listening

NYC_Chick

I think you are missing the alcoholic gene that says the world revoles around them.

I don't know how long you have dated this girl, but it seems like a waste of time to try to communicate with her. Were it me, I would pick up my truck then tell her where she can pick up her stuff. Perhaps the same hallway she left yours in?

I don't mean to ge harsh, but one disagreement and she bolts? This does not sound like it would have ever been a healthy relationship.

Hang in there!

ImJust

Thanks NYC Chick,

That is exactly what i did tonight, i took three garbage bags full of her stuff out and put them in that hallway. She will find them undoubtedly. There is no need for me to call and tell her where they are. I have really no reason to contact her going forward. i will likely just suffer through the grieving process and move on. Thats easy to say while she's not talking to me, lol. but that is my plan anyway.

NYC_Chick

IM: I wrote about a 4 step process for getting over a break-up that I went through with my therapist when I left my xabf. I don't know how to link threads, but if you click on my username, a drop-down menu shows up and it will tell you you can find other posts by me. I think the post is a month old or so and called something like "4 step process for...?" Hope this helps.

Also, for whatever it's worth, you say she has been sober for 3 years? It seems to me, at least reading from most of the recovering alcoholics on this board who work a strong program, they own themselves, meaning they have enough guts to say what they mean and mean what they say, and they also do so in a way that is respectful of others. Just my opinion, but her behavior says something different.