cessy68

O.k. I'm really struggeling guys.

You all know my story, and I asked last week about suboxone....(and you know that story).

Well I had just reached a point, that I could 'accept' that he was doing his pills, and that as long as it wasn't directly affecting me, (my home, finances, etc.) that I will stay in this relationship.

In the meantime, (as you know) the co-workers/friends/ had their meeting.

NOW the abf is so very proud that he has been clean (off the oxycodone) for 1 week and 3 days.

Everyday I get him asking ME for affirmation of his progress.

Everyday, he brings up the subject..... one way or another. If we are haveing a 'good' chat, he'll say, "Isn't this great, we are going to have a great 2010, now that I'm out from under those dang pills"...... "aren't you proud of me??"

If it's a bad chat.... (example; I say "can't you help me w/ the dishes?") Then it's "will you stop complaining....... I'm exhausted, I'm doing the best I can over here. Stop barking at me, this is tough getting off this S***".

NOW.... my question, and what I have been doing.

I have said NOTHING, either way. I haven't brought anything up. I don't ask him how he's feeling/doing/. I don't tell him "atttaboy" or ANYTHING.....

I figure, he's on his own. If he really does it good for him.

Probably because I don't have a lot of faith it will last.

NOW.... 2nd part of my question. WHY oh WHY can't I just accept this? Instead, (although he has no idea what I'm thinking) I feel like a detective again. When he is 'happy-happy', I find myself looking into his eyes......(for the small pupils).
When he is crouchy, it's like he's comming 'down' off the pills.

I'm fretting over if he is lyeing to me.

BUT I keep my fears and gut feelings silenced. YOU ALL are the only ones who really know right now what I think/feel/.

The fact of the matter is, when he was taking the oxycodone, his eyes told it all. I see NOTHING wrong with his pupils at all. BUT something, HAS to be going on.

I don't know if it's the suboxone, (as I said last week)..... but even the suboxone is supposed to affect libido..... (and he seems over-active) if anything... (sorry, not trying to be graphic).

It just feels like something isn't adding up.

I'm trying so dang hard to have acceptance........ and it's harder now than ever before. At least before, I knew, he knew, he knew I knew... and I finally let it go.

Now I feel like a new mystery is on my plate.

I'm trying to focus on ME.... I've done the decorating/cleaning/shopping/cooking/wrapping/school/work/ manicures/the gym/ friends/karaoke/ reading/ writing/ therapy... my lord, I'm exhausted trying to focus on me.

Yet at the end of the day.... I just wait for him to go to bed, so I can read and perhaps write here on SR, what is bottled up inside of me.

When You know something is wrong..... but 'nothing' is wrong.... what the heck do you do.

I know this was long-winded, and for those who are still patiently reading, I thank you.

Please, any comments, suggestions/ clarity, ANY feedback would be appreciated. (including any that might ruffle my feathers.) (this is just hard for me.)

Thank you,
Love,
Cess

Suffocating

I don't know if it's in the Narcotics Anonymous book but in the Alcoholics Anonymous big book. Before you discredit any qualifications, there is NOTHING wrong with replacing alcoholic with addict. Same thing...

Now, in there, there is a chapter called "To The Wives" I believe. Go get the book and read it. Highlight it, bookmark it, put it on flash cards. It will seriously help you in what you are going through. And I know EXACTLY what you are going through right now.

I pray you gain wisdom from it like I did. You don't have to be a wife for it to speak to you, replace wife with girlfriend if you need to. Please read it. I also pray that God will bring restoration more quickly to this situation.

Hang in there! This will pass but be sure you are doing the work in your own recovery. By the way, it's okay to tell your loved one that you are proud of them. It's okay to say "Hey! You are very very brave to go through this. I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you, am routing for you, praying for you and I believe in you!"

We are here for you

cessy68

thank you, I will read it..... I don't have one of those books, but I'm sure i can google it now.

I'll check it out.

Love,
Cess

Suffocating

Pleas re-read my post at the end. I edited lol

Suffocating

Sadly, a lot of groups for the family of the alcoholic/addict do not follow these principles when it comes to the wives. I'm glad I didn't follow the advice of some who told me to get a divorce.

Abundance

Cessy...

I'm really so proud of you! You are doing great! Staying in your own business. Even though the thoughts and cravings come in to snoop or question ... you are not re-acting, but acting. I haven't been following so I"m not sure if you have or what your boundaries are if he does relapse. It helps having a little bit of a road map to go by.

I know that with suboxone ... (my x was on subutex), it took about 2 months for him to get it right. The dosage I mean. He actually got high in the first week. His libido went up for a bit, but then it dropped down. He also abused xanax, klonopin, and ritalin on it...... fortunately all in individual slots.

Thing is... it's not why is his behavior a certain way, it's ... is that behavior good for you? I know that if I didn't have children, I would have stuck in much longer. I would wear 2 hats, one with the boys and one with the *x*.... I was totally incongruent, which is exactly opposite of my value and belief system. If he would have been clean - different story completely. I really wish and hope your boyfriend finds the suboxone helpful and doesn't add to it. I totally believe in it if it's not being "supplemented".





((((Cessy))))

xo

Impurrfect

((Cess))

I don't know, but to me, it sounds like an issue of trust...you don't trust that he's really doing the subs, and only the subs, and exactly like he's supposed, and maybe you don't trust yourself enough to accept that things still aren't comfortable for you - even with him off the oxy's.

I know I set myself up with XABF that if such-and-such happened, then everything would be great. Well, it did and "great" wasn't all that. I couldn't/wouldn't (whatever) accept it for a long time. I just wasn't ready.

I'm not saying things will never be "great" between you two. I'm just giving you my experience. My ex made the changes, but I didn't trust him to STAY changed, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I never could get to that "comfortable" place I thought I would.

I do have to say, his behavior doesn't sounds like he thinks he's got this addiction "licked" with just the subs and that's a pretty dangerous attitude for an addict to have, in my opinion. Not to put you on edge, but you know I'm going to say how I feel.

I'm sorry you're still struggling, sweetie. I truly hope that one day you can find the peace you deserve-with or without him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

Huge trust issues here Amy, but I look at it as MY issue if I choose not to trust.... and thats a primary reason for my post. However, as you wrote, "doing the subs, and only the subs, and exactly like he's supposed"....

I don't know if you recall, but in my other post I elaborated on the subs.... (I have no idea where he is getting them, he showed them to me.... BUT I know he is not seeing a DR. and I know he's not going to meetings, or following a 'sub plan' of sorts). AGAIN, not my problem, this is his road, so I silence myself. BUT, lets face it.... I look at it as him just abuseing a 'different' doc.
(even if it is 'just' the subs). If he were serious about not being an addict.... he'd do it the 'right' way. However, I very much think this is not my place to say so..... he needs to 'get serious' on his own. He needs to face reality in his own way. I just don't know how to validate his so-called 'success' when I don't view 'obtaining subs' and substituting them as 'recovery'.

Did that last paragraph make any sense? Hope I explained it better 4 everyone.

Thank you for the imput.

Love,
Cess

want2Bfree325

I thought I would share my experience with my exabf because his drug of choice is heroin and in February of 08' he was put on Suboxone. At first it seemed like a means to an end and I was really happy and had the co-dependent mindset that 'I helped him get clean!' because it was my therapist who recommended them and I urged him to try it to get better since he had tried methadone and other programs in the past (yeah, it took me this long to realize that it wasn't the program that he was on so much as his desire to get clean). He never went to NA or any other programs just did the Suboxone and would do exactly like what you're bf is doing now in regard to thinking that these pills had him cured. The thing is with an addict they may be able to ward off the cravings to an extent on this pill but they still need both the will to want to change* and also a program of support along with something like therapy or other means to learn how to control their cravings if and when they should arise. I mean I realize that my exabf needed that because if a trigger goes off what was he going to do but as I have learned you can't make them do anything that they don't want to. You can't change others but you can change yourself. I think it is great that you are focusing on you and that is something that I need to learn for myself. Hopefully after my semester ends this week, I will be able to start that for myself but it takes every last bit of strength I have just to take care of the kids and get my work done. Also in regard to the suboxone, he was using them to help cover up his withdrawals and in the past he would take more than he was supposed to if he had a bad day (a red flag I didn't see til now since he told me the doctor said it was ok for him to do so...yeah, right). From what I have learned is that Suboxone is not a means to an end but rather a tool that someone suffering from a dependency problem can use in conjunction with other treatments to get better. However if they arent receiving addition help to deal with triggers and such and are just using Suboxone, it is in my experience that this something that will not cure but rather prolong someone from using again.

Be strong and know that you are doing the right thing. It has only been a week now since my exabf broke up it is tough. I keep going through the motions of being angry to sad and then in the few times I have heard from him I start thinking in co-dependent mode like detective and holding myself back from trying to tell him what he should be doing to get better or any of the such. One last thing, when my ex got clean I had similar problems to you in that I didn't trust it 100% and feared that it would only be a matter of time before it happened again. When you have dealt with something like this time and time again and have had your trust broken, it is only natural that you may not be able to trust in them completely. I had always thought to some extent that my ex should be doing more but then I started to believe his words that the Suboxone was enough.

Take care of yourself...

outtolunch

People get off drugs and alcohol all the time, without the benefit of 12 steps or any program. Some of them also manage to stay clean, too.

Drugs and/ or alcohol are symptoms of underlying issues, emotional immaturity, low self esteem, ego, magical thinking, terminal uniqueness, inadequate coping skills and more. Programs, steps and fellowship are tools to address these issues.

Your guy acquiring an opiate based medication, without the benefit of a prescription/medical oversight is just more of the same ole delusional thing.

That's his business and his recovery, or not. You can accept the situation as it is, or not. That's your business.

Did you ever consider that your frustration could be rooted in some of the same common issues he has, the flip side of the same coin?

outtolunch

Just curious...what color were the pills and how does he take them?

soberinwpg

I used to just trust people. I just let them in and trusted their words even if their actions didn't match. Ya know? I learned that trust is not a given. It is earned. I think you are exactly where you are supposed to me and I know it is hard.
Time. Time will tell. (((hug)))

justtired

Crap. I just wrote you a big long response and because I wasn't signed in, (DUH), it disappeared.

Condensed version:

I understand how you're feeling. You used to know, and could deal with knowing because you finally figured out how you felt about it. Now you don't know what you know, and you are back on the crazy train. I sometimes wonder if it is part of their plan to keep us wondering and guessing... to keep us off balance enough that we can't make a rational decision. How do you make a decision when the dynamics keep changing??

What I asked in my post that vanished was, do you think it would hurt to ask him what his plan is? I don't mean offer him advise or anything like that, but just to understand a little bit better where he stands on things. The fact that he's getting them illegally is a huge red flag to me. If he went on subs because he was seeking help for himself and was getting them from a doctor, I have a feeling you'd feel differently than you do. Plus, I guess from my perspective, even if he is taking them "correctly", he is still purchasing illegal drugs and bringing them into your home.

I know how hard it is to want to let go just a little bit and to want to start to trust again, but not know if that person is worthy of your trust. Abf is doing "pretty well" on the methadone. Even though from the outside he seems to be improving, I can't let go. I'm in emotional limbo.

Anyway, I guess this is only slightly condensed. In the end, I guess it's like soberinwpg said. Trust is earned. It will not happen overnight and only time and watching his actions will tell what's truly happening. In the meantime, keep taking care of your self! I'm thinking it might be about time for a trip to the spa.

Impurrfect

((Cess)) - I had to go out of town for a couple of days, so missed some of your subs post. Last I had read, he wasn't going to the dr...didn't know if that had changed.

I still stand by what I said - he's not recovering. He's just using something else, without any proper supervision. I'm pretty clueless about subs, but I do believe they can be abused.

The thing is, ((Cess)) - this doesn't seem to be working for you, and I don't see how you're going to GET to a point where you can trust him if he's not doing anything to DESERVE that trust?! I used to tell XABF #3 "oh I trust you - I trust you to **** me over and lie to me". And I stayed with him. He was the one I was using with.

It took me both of us being locked up and physically separated for me to get enough distance away from him to realize that there was life without him. When I relapsed, I went back to him, but by then I had enough codie-recovery I could leave him and I haven't looked back.

I'm not saying "leave him", I can't tell you how to get to where I am, because it took me JAIL to get here and I obviously don't want you going there!! Just wanted you to know I understand, but I really hope you can see, from me, that it doesn't get any better. I started off at the age of 21 with XABF #1. I last saw XABF #3 at the age of 47.....sigh. 26 years of beng a really good/bad codie, thinking it was going to get better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

breakingfree88

((Cess))
I know this is all difficult. Sometimes, with your situation (and mine, and everyone elses')
I have to wonder where it stops being healthy to 'mind our own business'. I believe there is a time and a place for putting our foot down. Sometimes I think we have a RIGHT to ask questions and answer with our opinions, whether someone wants to hear them or not. SOmetimes from your posts I worry that you hold things in too much. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship if you stay silent (while you know things in your head) and don't share them with him.
Take what I say with a grain of salt. It's JMHO.
I love you.
-Holly

teke

just want to share my experience. i'm a ra with a few yrs clean and it took many tries at quitting to finally get this far(7yrs).even today, i have to remember that i'm just one hit away from being all strung out again so i can't afford to think i'm cured, there is no cure.

when i first got clean, it was really hard and i had to work even harder to stay clean. it took working a plan of recovery(meetings,sponsors, 12steps, and avoiding any triggers). i got clean for ME. it really didn't matter if no one noticed and i didn't expect any validation. i definitely didn't think i deserved any special treatment after all the pain i caused my loved ones. i knew i had to earn their trust and learn to be a productive member of the family.

i really pray that i'm wrong but to me, it just don't sound like he's quite done yet. you say something don't seem right so could it be your gut feelings speaking? i'm glad to hear he's doing better but a week and 3days is not a very long time and just stopping his drug of choice may not be enough for him to stay stopped. its possible that his new drug coould eventually lead him back to his drug of choice especially if he's getting them illegally. is he working a of plan of recovery?

try to keep the focus on you and try not to have high expectations, they usually cause disappointment. if he's not sincere, time will soon tell. i'm praying for you and him.

cessy68

Peach colored, kinda wierd shape, under the tongue he told me........

cessy68

haha. (kinda funny, that line about "oh I trust you")....

Sounds like something I'd say.

Ya know Amy, it's funny, I've never done an illegal thing in my life. I have NEVER done a drug...... I won't even take a perscription for xanax, that my doctor BEGS me to take for my panic disorder.

That is a reason his issue is hard for me....... becasue I don't do this kind of thing, nor have I ever had it around me.

(just FYI, he dosen't bring anything into our home) his subs are kept at his business, in his desk. Thats where he showed them to me.

Love,
Cess

cessy68

I wonder too....... but I've learned here, saying anything falls on deaf ears. I've learned my questions/concerns are just useless...(when in regard to his addiction).
Believe you me, he thinks I'm ANYTHING but quiet!

Thats the only reason I've been quiet. Maybe I misunderstood along the way?

Love,
Cess

Chino

I don't say anything to my daughter about her addiction/recovery but I will say something about her actions, good and bad. I treat her the same way I do all my loved ones. When I couldn't do that it was because I was feeding off of her. Classic co-dependency stuff.